Chess
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Chess

Member, Male, from Germany

I can't take it anymore... Jun 19, 2024

    1. Chess
      Chess
      I can't take it anymore...
      1. streifzug and gameover like this.
      2. View previous comments...
      3. L along the way
        L along the way
        Take it easy, one day at a time, and sadly sometimes it's just so harsh, at such moments it seems we can't do much else than to endure, and trying to find healthy ways to ease the pain somehow. Keep going forward, I gotta be patient, things will get better
        Jun 20, 2024
      4. L along the way
        L along the way
        Sadly, no one really knows or has any real answers to this. Hope, the possibility of healing is what helps me through these harsh moments. A better day will come again
        Jun 20, 2024
        streifzug likes this.
      5. Chess
        Chess
        @L along the way Thank you for your encouraging words. I'm feeling better again, but the last few days have been really tough. Unlimited desperation. Hopefully I don't fall into a hole like that again. Please stay strong too!
        Jun 22, 2024
        L along the way likes this.
    2. Chess
      Chess
      Severe T and H are against human nature. A fatal coding error of the brain. We urgently need a fix!
      1. 4Grace, gameover, SilverFox and 7 others like this.
      2. 4Grace
        4Grace
        I feel your pain. You are not alone. I hope we all find peace.
        Jul 15, 2024 at 11:04 PM
    3. Chess
      Chess
      I really can't imagine how I'm supposed to get used to my constantly repeating cycle of horror and hope.
      1. 4Grace, Juliane, _Shoto_ and 5 others like this.
      2. Justin Jones
        Justin Jones
        hi chess, nice to meet you. i was reading through some of your posts and i'm wondering how your sleep is these days
        Jun 12, 2024
      3. Chess
        Chess
        Hi @Justin Jones, nice to meet you. Unfortunately no improvement. An average of 5 hours, never a feeling of relaxation, but of despair when I wake up. How are you doing and how is your sleep?
        Jun 15, 2024
    4. Chess
      Chess
      it's damn hard!
      1. L along the way and tpj like this.
      2. 4Grace
        4Grace
        You had mentioned you feel empty. I am so sorry. I feel the same way.
        Jun 10, 2024
      3. Chess
        Chess
        @4Grace Yes, empty, numb, silent – simply unreal. Like an increasingly fading black and white copy of my former colorful self. I make this comparison often, but I can't describe it better: It's a vacuum. I want to breathe again. Breathe life. The soul will eventually suffocate.
        Jun 15, 2024
        4Grace likes this.
      4. 4Grace
        4Grace
        @Chess sorry just reading this now. So many of us feel the same. I have been reflecting on who I was as a person a lot. I was happy as can be for 49 years. I was so blessed, I should have been kinder to others. I found God during this process.
        Jul 15, 2024 at 11:09 PM
    5. Chess
      Chess
      No anxiety anymore, just inner resignation. Is that habituation? If so, then I am very disappointed.
      1. View previous comments...
      2. L along the way
        L along the way
        @Chess You put into words how i feel too, like describing life, instead of that kind of refreshing sense of being alive (with wellbeing, that feels so valuable).
        Jun 17, 2024
      3. L along the way
        L along the way
        But on what you're saying, I once heard a quote "you can't drink the word water", and this kind of way i notice in myself too a lot. But then.. because you describe it and you see it, maybe that's a possibility that it may and can change for the better again.
        Jun 17, 2024
      4. Chess
        Chess
        @4Grace I don't know. What exactly does survival mean in this case? Does this mean that you still have the strength to endure the suffering, or does it mean that no matter what happens, you have the certainty that you can "live a new life" afterwards?
        Jun 17, 2024
    6. Chess
      Chess
      It's so strange: T + H rule my life, but I can't put it into words to reach those not affected. I have the feeling it doesn't get through.
      1. Sansa, tpj, Kiyomi and 2 others like this.
      2. RunningMan
        RunningMan
        Yeah, the people that don't have severe T and/or H won't get it. Most people think it's just a little ringing in your ears that you can ignore and then go on with your business without any effect. I never imagined this myself a few years ago, even though I already had T, which turned severe later.
        Apr 10, 2024
        Chess, aab, Sansa and 2 others like this.
      3. 4Grace
        4Grace
        I have explained my self to exhaustion. They tell me okay, you don’t have to repeat yourself. We heard you. Then they say we are going to the Casino, why don’t you just get out for a bit. Then I say .. and you tell me not to repeat myself. You still don’t get it, it drives me insane. I tell them please, it would mean a lot to me if you can just believe what I am telling you,
        Apr 13, 2024
        Chess likes this.
    7. Chess
      Chess
      Therapy with psychologist comes to a dead end. As expected, my biography is seen as cause. It's all psychological, thus reversible...Sigh..!
      1. View previous comments...
      2. Chess
        Chess
        She thinks it's mainly due to stress because I also have quiet days. The fact that this is my relatively rigid 3-day cycle is ignored. Work is to blame and I should go to rehab where I can "relax". When I said that work gives me stability and that I could lay on the beach in Hawaii for a month and still not be able to relax, she said I was stubborn and bitter. They really don't get it.
        Mar 27, 2024
        Juliane and L along the way like this.
      3. L along the way
        L along the way
        @Chess well.. yeah it's ridiculous. It has a physical cause here too, extreme volume at raves. I'd said to someone.. just imagine a horn blowing at your ear, and the volume would be turned up.. and up.. at a certain point it becomes painful and acoustic trauma. These things are no jokes..
        Mar 27, 2024
      4. L along the way
        L along the way
        Fkk.. pfft.. i do feel a bit bitter because of no warnings about in the past about these things. But i try to have a mindset that it can somehow heal slowly with time
        Mar 27, 2024
    8. Chess
      Chess
      Today, I saw a psychologist. I've been prescribed mirtazapine to help me sleep. I don't know if I should really take it...
      1. View previous comments...
      2. Chess
        Chess
        Thank you all for your feedback. I am still trying to sleep without medication. Let's see.
        Mar 14, 2024
        Juliane, Kiyomi and L along the way like this.
      3. aab
        aab
        I stay away from any meds. Before taking please read surviwing antidepressants. Withdrawal can be awful.
        Mar 18, 2024
      4. aab
        aab
        I prefer to use herbs to help me sleep with tinnitus.
        Herbs: Passiflora,Valeriana officinalis,Humulus lupulus.
        Mar 19, 2024
    9. Chess
      Chess
      Just realized T has made me more sentimental. My comments on other posts are getting more and more maudlin. Anyways, better than embittered.
      1. View previous comments...
      2. Chess
        Chess
        So true. It's not just pictures, but also clothes, songs, books and text messages - the latter are particularly painful. It's like reading the memoirs of a completely different person.

        But be thankful for your family. T made me lose my girlfriend. That hurts the most!
        Mar 10, 2024
      3. 4Grace
        4Grace
        @Chess I am so sorry about your girlfriend. So, so sorry.
        Mar 12, 2024
        Chess likes this.
      4. Chess
        Chess
        @Cata She left me a month after the onset. We had a big fight where I was probably being unfair. After all those sleepless nights, I was no longer rational. We'd agreed to take a break. which we didn't survive. I no longer had the strength to fight for her. We are no longer in contact, so she doesn't even know whether I'm still alive. She always seemed very empathetic, but apparently I was very wrong about her.
        Mar 15, 2024
    10. Chess
      Chess
      People keep telling me that science has proven that suffering is not related to loudness and frequency. Am I simply too weak? I am at a loss
      1. gameover and streifzug like this.
      2. View previous comments...
      3. L along the way
        L along the way
        @Chess I appreciate what you're saying, you are very kind and what you share i find inspiring and helpful. Praying for things to get better, one day at a time
        Mar 14, 2024
      4. Chess
        Chess
        @L along the way Thank you! I can say the same for you. Please never forget: you are still alive and part of this world. Every day you persevere, you are taking a small step towards a possible recovery or medical help. Like I said, it's not impossible. Keep the possibility alive. You can be proud of how far you've come!
        Mar 15, 2024
        Yosemite and L along the way like this.
      5. L along the way
        L along the way
        @Chess thank you, these are words of inspiration. I dunno what to say, but i appreciate you. I hope life may lead to joy, health, calm & contentment
        Mar 15, 2024
    11. Chess
      Chess
      Amazed that I'm still sane after a year with T. Never thought I could be so resilient. Either way, I'll never be the same person I once was.
      1. Juliane, Yosemite, gameover and 6 others like this.
    12. Chess
      Chess
      Afraid to jinx it, but...days I'm feeling more normal again seem to be increasing. Ignoring has become a little more automatic.
      1. gameover, tpj, Ngo13 and 3 others like this.
      2. View previous comments...
      3. Chess
        Chess
        @BellaMia Thank you, I hope so too and wish you the same progress.
        Feb 20, 2024
        4Grace and BellaMia like this.
      4. RunningMan
        RunningMan
        Good luck on your improvement. I started my third year with severe tinnitus (after 20+ years more mild) and only have bad days and less bad since it got severe, plus too little sleep. I never feel my old self. Can never ignore it long when it's really squealing. Would love to have my old mild tinnitus back that I hated at the time.
        Feb 20, 2024
        4Grace, gameover and BellaMia like this.
      5. Chess
        Chess
        @RunningMan Thanks! The progress has been very subtle. It started with better sleep which made the days better, and that in turn has further improved the nights. It's a fragile cycle that can break down again at any time, but for the first time I really feel I might have a chance. I hope you feel better soon after all this time. Maybe Shore's device will pave the way.
        Feb 20, 2024
        4Grace, gameover and RunningMan like this.
    13. Chess
      Chess
      numb...
      1. Juliane likes this.
      2. BellaMia
        BellaMia
        Keep pushing through the hard times!
        Feb 11, 2024
        4Grace likes this.
      3. Chess
        Chess
        like a tube of toothpaste that you keep squeezing...astounding how much is in there..lol
        Feb 13, 2024
        BellaMia likes this.
    14. Chess
      Chess
      Mild day. Back home after being out with friends. Tipsy. How sweet life can be. Little things that used to be normal and taken for granted.
      1. Juliane, Leine and gameover like this.
    15. Chess
      Chess
      The more I'm here, the less of a connection I have to real life. Not a good sign.
      1. View previous comments...
      2. Chess
        Chess
        @L along the way. This brings us back to the paradox: I've always loved silence, because it told me a lot when I listened to it. In contrast, the noise in my head has nothing to tell me and literally silences me more and more...Sigh!
        Feb 5, 2024
      3. L along the way
        L along the way
        @Chess hmm.. nothing to add really to that either really ;).. i guess 2 things come up.. one is maybe i can sense the stillness beneath t some day again, or that t heals more & get's less.. so to connect with real silence once more. Other than that, nature, healthy lifestyle, distractions, mindfulness, & real life balance flow.. easy words.. but i hope that may be the direction
        Feb 6, 2024
        Chess likes this.
      4. Chess
        Chess
        @L along the way I can understand that. Sometimes I feel a kind of calm despite the noise. Of course, it's not the silence I used to know, but you become humble and grateful.
        Feb 9, 2024
        L along the way likes this.
    16. Chess
      Chess
      I've read many posts from @Bam, @Harley and @NiNyu. Very intelligent guys. I can relate 100% and miss them, although I didn't know them.
      1. sakrt, gameover and tpj like this.
      2. View previous comments...
      3. Chess
        Chess
        Yes, @Bam was a true legend who could perfectly put this abstract horror into words.
        Jan 31, 2024
        sakrt, gameover and tpj like this.
      4. Juliane
        Juliane
        What happened to them? (Afraid to ask)
        Feb 4, 2024
        tpj and gameover like this.
      5. Chess
        Chess
        We don't know for sure, and that's probably for the best.
        Feb 4, 2024
        tpj, Juliane and gameover like this.
    17. Chess
      Chess
      T is a paradox: silence becomes noise, patients become doctors, cared for but isolated, will to live and longing for death at the same time
      1. SharonBell, Juliane, Karolina and 5 others like this.
      2. View previous comments...
      3. Chess
        Chess
        @L along the way What I really like about you is that despite all this agony, you always try to remain polite in your words... as if you don't want to aggravate T by not insulting it. You have a good heart.
        Feb 2, 2024
        L along the way and gameover like this.
      4. L along the way
        L along the way
        @Chess Thank you, I can see & say the same about you. It's true that I don't want to use too harsh words, to not upset or make things feel worse for others. It has been quite hard, but last night I've had a good night's rest, and lately in my life there has been some positive changes (work related), and today feel some new energy. Wishing you a good day as well!
        Feb 3, 2024
        gameover likes this.
      5. Chess
        Chess
        Thanks! I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better at the moment. I had a good day today too. I remember @gameover said, that the bad days always feel like good ones will never come again... and suddenly it gets quieter again. Mindfuck!
        Feb 4, 2024
        L along the way and gameover like this.
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  • About

    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Germany
    Tinnitus Since:
    02/2023
    Cause of Tinnitus:
    Unknown