I really can't imagine how I'm supposed to get used to my constantly repeating cycle of horror and hope.
hi chess, nice to meet you. i was reading through some of your posts and i'm wondering how your sleep is these days
Hi @Justin Jones, nice to meet you. Unfortunately no improvement. An average of 5 hours, never a feeling of relaxation, but of despair when I wake up. How are you doing and how is your sleep?
@4Grace Yes, empty, numb, silent – simply unreal. Like an increasingly fading black and white copy of my former colorful self. I make this comparison often, but I can't describe it better: It's a vacuum. I want to breathe again. Breathe life. The soul will eventually suffocate.
@Chess - I have never related more to anyone’s posts. Wow. Every word. Almost wanting it to get worse for reason mentioned. Then if it happens it’s like, I don’t think I have the courage to do that … then realize we might have to insure this until our last days.
@4Grace Thank you! Since I can barely live life anymore, all I can do is describe life. Letters. Words. Sentences – they are becoming increasingly empty. There is no longer a new life that produces new thoughts, feelings and descriptions. I live on memories in words. How pathetic.
@Chess forgive me for asking and if you don’t want to answer just ignore. Are you a Christian? Anything on that front?
It's so strange: T + H rule my life, but I can't put it into words to reach those not affected. I have the feeling it doesn't get through.
Yeah, the people that don't have severe T and/or H won't get it. Most people think it's just a little ringing in your ears that you can ignore and then go on with your business without any effect. I never imagined this myself a few years ago, even though I already had T, which turned severe later.
I have explained my self to exhaustion. They tell me okay, you don’t have to repeat yourself. We heard you. Then they say we are going to the Casino, why don’t you just get out for a bit. Then I say .. and you tell me not to repeat myself. You still don’t get it, it drives me insane. I tell them please, it would mean a lot to me if you can just believe what I am telling you,
Therapy with psychologist comes to a dead end. As expected, my biography is seen as cause. It's all psychological, thus reversible...Sigh..!
She thinks it's mainly due to stress because I also have quiet days. The fact that this is my relatively rigid 3-day cycle is ignored. Work is to blame and I should go to rehab where I can "relax". When I said that work gives me stability and that I could lay on the beach in Hawaii for a month and still not be able to relax, she said I was stubborn and bitter. They really don't get it.
@Chess well.. yeah it's ridiculous. It has a physical cause here too, extreme volume at raves. I'd said to someone.. just imagine a horn blowing at your ear, and the volume would be turned up.. and up.. at a certain point it becomes painful and acoustic trauma. These things are no jokes..
Fkk.. pfft.. i do feel a bit bitter because of no warnings about in the past about these things. But i try to have a mindset that it can somehow heal slowly with time
Today, I saw a psychologist. I've been prescribed mirtazapine to help me sleep. I don't know if I should really take it...
I stay away from any meds. Before taking please read surviwing antidepressants. Withdrawal can be awful.
I prefer to use herbs to help me sleep with tinnitus. Herbs: Passiflora,Valeriana officinalis,Humulus lupulus.
Just realized T has made me more sentimental. My comments on other posts are getting more and more maudlin. Anyways, better than embittered.
So true. It's not just pictures, but also clothes, songs, books and text messages - the latter are particularly painful. It's like reading the memoirs of a completely different person. But be thankful for your family. T made me lose my girlfriend. That hurts the most!
@Cata She left me a month after the onset. We had a big fight where I was probably being unfair. After all those sleepless nights, I was no longer rational. We'd agreed to take a break. which we didn't survive. I no longer had the strength to fight for her. We are no longer in contact, so she doesn't even know whether I'm still alive. She always seemed very empathetic, but apparently I was very wrong about her.
People keep telling me that science has proven that suffering is not related to loudness and frequency. Am I simply too weak? I am at a loss
@Chess I appreciate what you're saying, you are very kind and what you share i find inspiring and helpful. Praying for things to get better, one day at a time
@L along the way Thank you! I can say the same for you. Please never forget: you are still alive and part of this world. Every day you persevere, you are taking a small step towards a possible recovery or medical help. Like I said, it's not impossible. Keep the possibility alive. You can be proud of how far you've come!
@Chess thank you, these are words of inspiration. I dunno what to say, but i appreciate you. I hope life may lead to joy, health, calm & contentment
Amazed that I'm still sane after a year with T. Never thought I could be so resilient. Either way, I'll never be the same person I once was.
Afraid to jinx it, but...days I'm feeling more normal again seem to be increasing. Ignoring has become a little more automatic.
Good luck on your improvement. I started my third year with severe tinnitus (after 20+ years more mild) and only have bad days and less bad since it got severe, plus too little sleep. I never feel my old self. Can never ignore it long when it's really squealing. Would love to have my old mild tinnitus back that I hated at the time.
@RunningMan Thanks! The progress has been very subtle. It started with better sleep which made the days better, and that in turn has further improved the nights. It's a fragile cycle that can break down again at any time, but for the first time I really feel I might have a chance. I hope you feel better soon after all this time. Maybe Shore's device will pave the way.
Mild day. Back home after being out with friends. Tipsy. How sweet life can be. Little things that used to be normal and taken for granted.
@L along the way. This brings us back to the paradox: I've always loved silence, because it told me a lot when I listened to it. In contrast, the noise in my head has nothing to tell me and literally silences me more and more...Sigh!
@Chess hmm.. nothing to add really to that either really ;).. i guess 2 things come up.. one is maybe i can sense the stillness beneath t some day again, or that t heals more & get's less.. so to connect with real silence once more. Other than that, nature, healthy lifestyle, distractions, mindfulness, & real life balance flow.. easy words.. but i hope that may be the direction
@L along the way I can understand that. Sometimes I feel a kind of calm despite the noise. Of course, it's not the silence I used to know, but you become humble and grateful.
I've read many posts from @Bam, @Harley and @NiNyu. Very intelligent guys. I can relate 100% and miss them, although I didn't know them.
T is a paradox: silence becomes noise, patients become doctors, cared for but isolated, will to live and longing for death at the same time
@L along the way What I really like about you is that despite all this agony, you always try to remain polite in your words... as if you don't want to aggravate T by not insulting it. You have a good heart.
@Chess Thank you, I can see & say the same about you. It's true that I don't want to use too harsh words, to not upset or make things feel worse for others. It has been quite hard, but last night I've had a good night's rest, and lately in my life there has been some positive changes (work related), and today feel some new energy. Wishing you a good day as well!
Thanks! I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better at the moment. I had a good day today too. I remember @gameover said, that the bad days always feel like good ones will never come again... and suddenly it gets quieter again. Mindfuck!
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