21 Months Down... Almost There!

So I haven't posted for a long time ... but I have lurked in the background occasionally!

I feel this will be the last time I will post ... and I want to try help and reassure others.

If you get chance look at my previous threads ... they shock me and I wrote them!

Brief story; January 19th, 2017 ... at 36 weeks pregnant with my beautiful first IVF baby ... it was late ... in bed ... turned tv off and my left ear was ringing. Tried not to worry ... thought would be gone by morning. Next morning still there ... and the next and the next ... I had already been suffering insomnia due to discomfort and anxiety ... but it then became impossible to sleep at all. Went to GP ... antibiotics given for an ear infection I didn't have. Went to a private audiologist ... she was lovely ... but TERRIBLE! I now see how uneducated she was in the subject!

Last resort I asked my midwife for help ... by this point I was googling like mad and constantly listening to the noises which by this point spread across my head and into the right ear as well. Both ears and head screaming constantly.

My mental health deteriorated significantly and I was admitted into hospital. I was given a cocktail of drugs as they tried to get me to sleep in order to deliver my baby. At one point things were so bad I went into "crisis" ... I wrote a will and said I would jump out the window. My googling got worse and I read horror story after horror story. I pleaded for a c-section as I heard some women's tinnitus disappear after birth. Eventually one was agreed and my son delivered at 37 weeks.

There was no special moment ... all I wanted was to hear if the noise had gone. But it hadn't.

Everyone was smiling and telling me how happy I must be ... I wasn't happy at all. I was empty and wanted to die. When I left hospital the emptiness continued ... the insomnia continued. I was put on mirtazapine as I refused to take anything with tinnitus as a side effect.

Every waking thought was tinnitus. I did what I needed for my beautiful baby but nothing more. I cried continuously ... I could only sleep with very loud noise usually birds screeching.

I was severely depressed ... my head was in concrete. I couldn't focus ... I had no motivation ... I told my son I was sorry as i intended to take my life ... but I somehow kept going ...

I saw cranial osteopaths, saw my GP and dentist numerous times ... nothing helped.

The first breakthrough came when I saw a lovely private audiologist who told me she heard tinnitus in her pregnancies and now she's ok! ... she told me that the stress of pregnancy etc had set off an alarm as my central nervous system suffered and then my brain had attached to the noise and created a loop so now if I wanted to forget it, the brain sent out an army to find it again. She recommended mindfulness.

I was still terrified but there was a tiny glimmer of hope ... although this disappeared often at this stage. I still obsessed.

The tinnitus screamed still so loud I couldn't believe it. It terrified me. It made me feel sick and I dreaded night time. I missed so much time with my son as I obsessed for a cure.

I then saw a Consultant in London ... I read about him online and demanded my GP referred me. I was amazed to get an appointment!

I saw this wonderful Doctor quite a lot and he reassured me that tinnitus would not be an issue for me one day and the only reason it was for some people was because they didn't do what their doctor said. He recommended mindfulness meditation and suggested early on that I stop masking at night which I started doing around July but I still needed it sometimes. My depression was still severe.

In September 2017 ... I plummeted downwards fast. I couldn't cope. This was never gonna get better. I was admitted into a mother and baby mental health unit where my heart just broke. What had happened to me. I has never been ill before.

My medication was changed to Venlafaxine. The changeover was severe and insomnia returned.

After a while my mood started to improve. I was on 300mg of venlafaxine before this happened. I began taking home leave from hospital and started to look after myself a bit better and my home. I continued seeing my doctor in London.

In December 2017 I was ok to go home. Venlafaxine had officially kicked my butt and my head started to clear. My tinnitus remained horrendous but at least my brain was clearing. By this time I was meditating every minute I could. I used guided meditations from YouTube.

In January 2018 my London Doctor felt I was ready for his 8 week course in Mindfulness for Tinnitus. I attended every week where we meditated and talked about meditation! For the first time I met others with the symptom and most were actually worse than me. By this time I was NOT needing masking at night.

My tinnitus sometimes was quieter! ... but spikes were still often and hard.

I returned to work in March 2018 and my meditation practice continued but I calmed down with it. I did a couple a day only and really started to get on with life. I also started CBT and was discharged by the mental health teams looking after me.

My tinnitus spikes started to reduce and things just seemed to get a bit easier. I stopped obsessing, googling and stopped wishing for it to go away. My thoughts naturally seemed to lessen about tinnitus.

So where am I now?! ... I'm 21 months into my journey. My tinnitus is still there but it doesn't make me cry anymore and it doesn't scream at me. I meditate to my noises in silence now and this gets easier and easier to do. I never mask at night and i sleep fine. I have not cut out any food or drink. I go out ... I do have good ear plugs but this is just for general ear health as I have not been careful in the past. I rarely use them though!

My relationship with my son is great! My friends and family are shocked are what a clever, settled, happy little content lad he is after all we have been through. He is AMAZING ... it's like he knew I was ill. He has NEVER kept us awake at night so I am always well rested. He doesn't cry! He laughs all the time.

I was adamant I would never have another child but we start IVF again in a couple of months!

I use my CBT skills when I need to, I will never give up meditation and my Venlafaxine has just been reduced.

Am I habituated ?! Maybe not completely but it's close by ... I know it!!!!

My love to you all!!!

 

Just re read this and thought i would add some bits;

1. CBT teaches you to address ur thoughts and rephrase them in a more helpful way. This helped a lot! I rarely now have negative thoughts at all.

2. You have to not think negatively about tinnitus ... tell urself its just a natural noise. Nearly everyone can hear it if they want to ... its just for some of us the natural "filtering" has gone wrong and we became aware of it. REMEMBER THE BRAIN CAN ONLY HABITUATE NON THREATENING AND UNIMPORTANT SOUNDS!

3. Meditate to the sound without judgement ... this has done so much for me.

4. I see the same people posting on here all the time ... try not to ... as how can u show the brain tinnitus is unimportant if you keep giving it this attention! It then stays at the front of ur mind!

5. On youtube is a video called CBT for Tinnitus by dr hubbard. This is really helpful!

6. There is a Tinnitus book by Dr Laurence McKenna. This is great too!

My tinnitus sounds are much quieter. More like a dull white noise which i mainly only hear in the morning. Its not scary anymore. I dont hear it during the day and when i go to bed, on my head hitting the pillow i don't really hear anything either.

Lastly, part way through my journey i realised id had tinnitus since i had glue ear as a child! I had grommets. I remember hearing the noise in bed but it didn't really bother me as i assumed it was part of my ear condition and would go away in time. There was no google to tell me any different! I therefore habituated for 20 years without any issues! I remember i used to hear a tiny non threatening noise that i assumed was the sound of silence!

Things were different this time as i realised eventually that i was suffering from severe pre and post natal depression with anxiety. These conditions make tinnitus much worse than it should be so make sure you medicate if u need to.

xx