Back to Misery Again After Recovery from Tinnitus — Thanks to a Firework on New Year's

Irony can be as cruel as it is humorous.

In the buildup to 2022 I was wholly convinced that it was going to be a good year, a positive one after the devastation I suffered in 2019, the hard fought recovery of 2020 and the readjustments and personal losses of 2021.

Well a week in to the new year and I seemingly couldn't have been more incorrect. After essentially a whole year of effective silence, and rather hilariously only a couple of weeks after updating my own success story on the site, here I am once again with that familiar old sound back at full force.

So too returned are the sensations of aural fullness and incessant throbbing, which are symptoms I haven't even experienced since almost the very start. Worst of all is that now it looks like (it's rather hard to tell exactly) I have the joy of experiencing everything in both ears, we wouldn't want the right ear to miss out on all the fun after all.

So what caused this return to abject misery? A firework on New Year's. As fate would have it, quite literally a second before I had opened my door to go back home, an out of sight neighbour let off one of the most obnoxiously loud fireworks imaginable, presumably just a few metres away from where I was standing.

I didn't notice anything wrong for the next couple of days but you all know how this goes.

About 3 or 4 days after new years the problems started to resurface, I thought it would just be another spike like I've had before, which for me have resolved rather quickly in the past. Yet here I am a week later with tinnitus almost as loud as when I first got it in 2019 and now as it seems to be in my right ear as well, my usual optimism is failing me.

As my tinnitus has always been unilateral, in the left ear, being able to use a headphone in the "good" ear has been a great benefit to me and was an immense part of my recovery in the first place. I know that the use of headphones is a subject that people on here have strong opinions about, and certainly while I think that using a headphone in a compromised ear is a distinctly bad idea, being able to listen to things as I walk or train, watch things on YouTube, talk to friends online and most importantly to listen to the music I love were all hugely beneficial to me in taking my mind off the tinnitus the first time around.

Yet now that I find myself confronted with the possibility of two compromised ears, I am not sure where to turn or what to think. It seems that I have no other option but to give up all of these things which had helped me cope for long enough to recover.

As much as I try to be cheerful in the face of adversity, it is painful to think about just how much this condition has taken from me. In July of 2019 I was a happy person with my whole life ahead of me, I was in a long-standing relationship with a girl I wanted to be married to, I was eager to get started on a new career path and my greatest concern was how my training was going.

Since then it has all fallen apart, my relationship ended, the career I wanted is no longer realistic for me and my ears and everything since that summer has been one long struggle to get back to who I was before. And now it seems like it is going to take music from me too. My biggest passion in life, gone - because of a handful of seconds, only to be replaced with that infernal electrical screeching.

I feel more pessimistic this time around. It's as though I've regressed 2 years and all that I went through has been undone, only this time without everything I still had and could do in 2019. It's hard not to feel like Sisyphus.

With all that said, I do believe that I will overcome this again and that my tinnitus will fade in time, as it has always done with every previous spike. I suppose I am just dumbfounded as to how this has happened to me again, how unlucky it is, how easily prevented it could have been. If only I had arrived at my door a few seconds earlier I would be totally fine, not thinking about tinnitus in the slightest and on my way to better things, but here I am, writing whatever this ramble is at 5am because I can't sleep, suffering from a condition I had recovered from on a forum I thought I wouldn't need anymore.

 

I'm so sorry to read about your misfortune, @Matty1996. It's unbelievable what the thoughtlessness of one person can do to another.

Personally, I have no problem with people celebrating the New Year with a bit of firework. I can prepare for that - stay inside, protect my ears, take a pill... What I don't get, however, is people starting their "celebration" a week early and dragging it out well into the new year. I also don't understand why they need crackers that could probably bring down a small building and why they'd think it okay to light those things in a residential area or near places that hold animals (a friend of mine works at a stud farm, which already is in the middle of nowhere, but some ar**holes still managed to track there and light the same kind of firework you've been subjected to - the pictures she posted were heartbreaking). I wouldn't want to ban firework in general, but the fun stops when people / animals get hurt - especially when done so deliberately!

I really hope that what you're experiencing at the moment will subside with a little time and that you'll soon be able to go back to the life - the hopes and dreams - you've been aiming for for 2022 and beyond!

 

Sorry to hear about this incident, it's bad luck indeed. I've never understood all the fuss about the fireworks, even before tinnitus. That neighbour of yours deserves a fireworks cannon deployed right into his backside.

Maybe you can still try steroids, you may still be in time for them. Otherwise hearing aids could help, I got one recently and it helps a little bit. Then the usual - sound therapy to calm your nerves down.

I am hopeful about some scientific progress as well. Who knows, we may be surprised this year with something that works.

I think now it's important to protect yourself, I see you are in London and it's crazy loud at times. Street noise is ok, but the sirens are insanely high pitch loud (compared to European sirens). Plus the arseholes who drive their cars with altered exhaust pipes to show everyone how "cool" they are. And motorbikes. I'm very careful around those. Otherwise I don't wear earplugs in public places.

Hope it all settles for you. The possibility for recovery is always there.

 

That was an incredibly difficult night/morning. Certainly my worst tinnitus episode since 2020 at least, perhaps since the beginning even, I can only describe it as catastrophic. As I'm writing this its definitely bothersome and persistent, but nowhere near as bad as when I am trying to sleep. I have no clue how long I even managed to sleep. I don't know how many nights of that ridiculous electrical chirping and throbbing in my ears I can take. I can't believe this happened to me after so long of it not being an issue.

Thank you for saying so and I hope so too.

I agree, I used to follow the research section quite closely when I first came here. At the very least we can say that some progress is being made. Though if I am lucky enough it might go back to its baseline on its own, I certainly hope so anyhow.

Thank you as well, I hope it is only a matter of time as my previous spikes have been, I've just never had one quite so bad as this.

 

I know how around New Year outside there's an additional layer of landmines in the form of fireworks and firecrackers. Less than 30 minutes ago I've heard a firecracker from down the street while I'm just here in my room.

All I can say is it will get better. I know for me even to this day, I get some spikes where I can't tell if my tinnitus has returned back to baseline. It's simply hard to tell. So don't stress too much over it. If you're struggling to see the difference to the old sound, then you should probably already be thankful.

In my case, the trend of the sound is definitely getting louder as the years pass, but I hope research overtakes my tinnitus. What we can and should do is to be as careful as we can. Do the best to avoid loud sounds. And if we still somehow get caught by noise, we learn from that experience and forgive ourselves (probably the hardest part) because we did the best we could at the time given the circumstances. I wish you well and peace of mind.

Edit: I am extra careful from Christmas to mid January. Depends on how loud your neighbourhood is.

 

Thank you for your response. To clarify, my tinnitus has returned to a much higher level along with the old and arguably more distressing comorbidities of aural fullness and non-stop throbbing. These are symptoms that I haven't experienced in a very long time, for the ear fullness/pain/throbbing that's going back all the way to 2019. For the tinnitus, it had been a total non issue for over a year, didn't even enter my mind 99% of the time, until now.

Last night was terrible and I'm already dreading this coming night too. I have some faith that given enough time and protection, my ears will heal again like they did previously, but it's very early days still. It's just all so exhausting and demoralising, and it's a struggle to fend off doubts and despair. I just hope eventually it can return to where it was just over a week ago, even if it means giving up music entirely, leaving London or anything else for that matter.

 

Those one second things really are difficult to grasp and deal with...

Hopefully you’ll get better.

 

You have gotten back on your feet before and can probably make it once again. It might not feel that way right now, but it's the likely outcome. I have been in the tinnitus setback pit a few times over, so I'm speaking from experience. Things are about to become less painful.

One advice, though. You may want to safeguard yourself against bad luck from here on out. The noise incidents will keep coming. Can you habituate if your tinnitus keeps getting worse?

Foam earplugs whenever I leave my home is how I do it. Actually, I wear them at home as well if I have visitors. If properly inserted, they provide the highest attenuation of all hearing protections on planet Earth. You will have to ask people to repeat themselves every now and then, and you will get some degree of hyperacusis. Otherwise no downside.

 

Thank you, I'm trying quite hard to believe this and to think logically about the situation. It's just so easy to get pulled back into despair over this, at least it has been for me.

I agree. And it's been something I've been thinking about all day. I think I'll need to leave here eventually and go somewhere a lot quieter and a lot more rural.

It's been hard so far to not feel pessimistic about my future though, with all the things tinnitus has already taken from me and all the impositions it is making upon me again it feels as though it's controlling the course of my life more than I am, even in the event of another recovery for me I will still be subject to its whims and have to stop doing so many of the things I enjoy. The despair in me says just give up now, your quality of life will never recover, and it's been a real struggle to not yield completely to that way of thinking.

 

@billie48 has recently dealt with a massive setback and managed it well. I hope his story can help you as well @Matty1996.

 

Thank you for the reference, it's an impressive story. I'm still hopeful that my symptoms will fade gradually like last time, even if it ends up taking months again.

I beat this once before, and when it started I really had very little hope at all, so I suppose I can do it again.

 

Matty, I feel for you.

I had enjoyed almost perfect silence from 2018 to early December 21 when I took the pfizer jab.

To return to the horrors of loud tinnitus is soul destroying.

For me the horror is added to by not knowing if the inflammatory effects of the vaccine are still working on me using my own altered immune system.

All I know and you must know too is that tinnitus has gone away before. There is some healing system in the body that allowed that to happen.

All we can do is wait to see if it happens again.

I have absolutely no faith now in the medical model, pharma etc. It is only of real use for acute conditions, fractures, infectious disease etc. For chronic neurological issues like tinnitus the medical model is worse than useless and may even cause harm.
Trust your body. Eat nutritious food, exercise and rest.

 

This is essentially what I am focused on. When my tinnitus started in 2019, it was a loud invasive tone and extremely destructive to my life, but over time it did go down to effectively nothing, whatever mechanism in the body allows for that happen I haven't got a clue but I know for certain that it exists. So I believe that it can happen again.

If it does, I know that I can reclaim some happiness yet again and the takeaway from this incident will be that I have to fully isolate myself from all noise and anything that even has the potential to damage me again. At the very least, until some treatments become available.

I agree with a lot of what you have said and this is the plan, more or less. It's been rather devastating to me that I can no longer listen to music but if ancient people were able to get by without music while they trained and walked about I suppose I can do the same.

 

Last night was another difficult one, it took me hours but I was able to finally sleep through the tones. As was the case during the first time round, my tinnitus seems much worse during the night.

So far today the signs have been somewhat positive, for the first hour or two everything was rather mild, no aggressive tones, no sensation of burning heat in the ears, no aural fullness, no throbbing. Though I feel everything starting to build up again as I type this.

I expect it to get quite a bit worse as the day goes on, but I am hopeful that as the days pass, the mild periods will last longer and the difficult nights will gradually become less drastic.

 

Wow.

 

This is why I am hopeful. I went from total devastation to getting my life back, so I believe it can happen again.

 

People all throughout history have shown that our intent, what we dare to dream, what we dare to imagine changes the outcome towards our goal, even in the face of severe adversity. Mountain climbers with disabilities, people losing limbs to accidents who go on the break records, Stephen Hawkins, Helen Keller. Imagine being struck down by ALS in college and losing all body functions, only able to communicate with cheek muscle movement and still writing books and doing some of the greatest work in astrophysics in our lifetime. Stephen Hawkins accomplished more with no body than most would dare to imagine in five lifetimes. Talk about life handing you a shit sandwich and finding ways overcome and adapt to still be able to achieve your dreams. Physically that guy got fu&$ed on a level that none of us will ever understand and he accomplished more than I ever will. So what does this have to do with us? Glad you asked.

We are sick, our pain is real and our lives have been negatively impacted. We don’t get much help from the medical community except in a few rare cases with a correctable underlying cause. This forum provides many options for supplements, sound enrichment, lifestyle changes, ... that help some people but many here report no progress from these things. Some people here are in quite desperate shape so the total impact is that we have a very significant and devastating condition.

The first thing that I offer is that as we age, most of us will develop various ailments that affect our daily routine. Headaches, joint pain, GI problems, dental distress, heart conditions, cancer, ... I have many of these myself, I am 67 years old. We learn methods to adapt, to get relief, to carry on. I have a daily routine for my hip and lower back arthritis. Without it I can barely get out of bed. With my routine I do yard work, change truck tires, climb on the roof, ... I get migraines so bad some days that I can barely open my eyes in the sun, but I have learned to adapt. So why can some people overcome these handicaps, these physical problems and others cannot? What is different about tinnitus where it seems so difficult for many to be able to compensate, adapt, overcome to go on to their daily routines?

First, many do deal. There are 50,000,000 tinnitus suffers in the US alone and only 35.000 members on Tinnitus Talk. Even if we account for the silent visitors here, what’s going on with the other 49 million? Some are suffering in silence for sure but most are moving past this to continue on with their lives. Mild vs severe cases? Yes, but what makes the difference between a mild and severe case? Is every “mild” case a barely perceivable hiss and every “major” case a set of five different evil tones at the level of an F18 fighter jet taking off or does what differentiates our cases also involve what our brains decide to do with this issue after it starts? In all cases except a very few our brains and the extended nervous system has created sounds that don’t exist and has decided to monitor and report these phantom sounds and then focus on them. Why can some people live with noises like the 8 million people that live in NY city, one of the noisiest places on earth and some people can’t sleep with a ticking clock in the room. I have had five different neighbors next to me in my condo over 22 years without issue and the new lady complains every time I talk on the phone, she panics at every squirrel that runs across the roof, etc. what is different about her that she hyper focuses and panics at every new and strange noise. I’m not kidding, I get texts from her all week long panicking about normal daily noises. What’s different about her? Why is she so fearful and hyperfocused on things that cannot hurt her. Things that send her into a panic.

It’s hard to grasp, to imagine but after years of overcoming a number of devastating problems I can guarantee that many if not most people will get partial or total relief from this condition if they dare to dream about, to imagine their life improving, filled with more happiness and joy. There are a half dozen members here that will jump all over this concept with rage and anger telling us we are all fucked and there will be no cure as long as wussies with mild tinnitus claim cures and guys like me peddle my psycho babble bullshit. That’s OK, let them stay on their path for now, they are not ready to consider these ideas. It’s their journey and they will find their own way through life. Don’t let their pain stop your progress.

What I know to be true is that tinnitus follows a chronic pain model where we can get stuck in a devastating cycle of hyperfocus and reinforcement, unable to let go of the phantom sounds. We fear them and perceive them as a threat and so our brains mount a fight or flight reaction, our limbic system stays stuck in a state of hyper reaction. We have some control over this process. The brain is plastic, it can rewire as with stroke victims. We can change the area of our brain that processes these sounds through our conscience reaction, our thoughts, our self talk. This can settle the whole thing down, make it less important and lose priority.

I had a particularly bad holiday season this year. I lost my wife and two best friends to cancer recently, COVID-19 isolation, tinnitus and a new new cancer for me covering my heart that will be removed this month. Seeking treatment for tinnitus and hyperacusis caused a massive C Diff bowel infection that was really bad. My doctor said it could have easily killed me or caused me to lose my colon. I was home bound for 4 weeks not able to get away from the bathroom. I lost my ability to record and produce music this year because of hyperacusis, the most joy I have left in my life.

One day over the holidays I was meditating and considering my future and what I decided was to finish my home recording studio project. Continue to imagine life with this condition improved enough to continue my music. Complete my modest improved recording and mixing space and keep imagining it working, that I will/must find a way to work through this. I walk in there many times per day and keep imagining working in their making music again. I will change my inner dialogue and get better. What has been the result so far? I have been weaning off of hearing protection and have been able to do more music production in the old space as I have been able to do since this started. I am getting better because I have decided that I must get better and have set positive goals that need this to improve. Tinnitus and hyperacusis can kiss my ass, I will make it unimportant and prioritize the things left in my life that make me happy. Now it is the real world and yesterday I got a nasty exposure from a security system alarm mistake so I am having a spike today but so what, this too shall pass like the last spikes have passed and I am going to record my first new song this year since tinnitus started. If Stephen Hawkins can solve the greatest mysteries in the cosmos with no body then I can figure this out.

There are a number of techniques to help you with this: CBT, Back to Silence, mindfulness, EMDR, ... If you dare to dream about more joy in your life you can get better.

If your reaction to this is anger or rage, consider why you need to hang on to this condition with such a negative frame of mind, why you think that you don’t deserve to be happy and healthy. If you think this is bullshit, consider the difference between those reporting success with these techniques and why you need to believe that it’s all crap. Why at this point in your journey you can’t accept this. That’s where the healing starts as it did for me decades ago with panic attacks and severe back pain and continues today. It’s not about getting dealt a better hand in life, it’s about how you’re going to play the hand your dealt.

All the best,
George

 

@GeorgeLG, I truly admire you mental strength. We really have no other options. The show must go on...

What is you favorite song to reboost energy?

Do you attribute mental strength to the gene lottery or something that you train for?

 

@GeorgeLG, thank you for the long and thought out response.

Firstly I'd like to say I'm very sorry to hear about everything that you have been through, especially the loss of your wife and cancer, I hope your health only improves.

I don't think what you have said is wrong and I already share much of the same attitudes to you with regards to recovery. In fact looking back at my own tinnitus journey, I came to many of the same conclusions around a few months after onset in 2019. Habituation started for me before my tinnitus properly began to fade into nothing, around the end of 2019, so I understand the process already. That said, I do think some people are incapable of habituation, whether that is due to the sheer severity of their symptoms or perhaps genetic factors making it cognitively impossible for them. These people do require real treatments that goes beyond the likes of CBT, at least in my opinion, so I can't blame people who react negatively to the suggestion.

I will admit I am still in somewhat in a grieving phase. The fact that it was so unfortunate, that it was so easily preventable, that I had already recovered from the condition previously and that this time it was due to someone else's actions have all had a hand in demoralising me. Further still, is that I am having to go without music this time around, which has been such a central part of my life, as a fellow music lover and musician yourself I'm sure you understand. The grief will pass in time as it did in 2019, perhaps faster this time too, I am already feeling not so dejected, in contrast to 2019 where I was wholly devasted for at least 2 months, and depressed for a good while longer.

As a more lighthearted aside, if you're 67 you've lived through some of the greatest years for music, and you're clearly interested in the topic, so what were your favourites from back in the day? My own personal favourite music comes the end of the 60's and the early 70's.

 

I agree with you.

Prostate cancer was first discovered in 1853 and that is what will most like take me out, it's over half way there. Can I see a cure within my remaining few years, sure maybe but not likely. Tinnitus may have been described as far back as ancient Egypt and is definitely described in the 16th century. Back then you were thought to be possessed, so not much has changed since then. LOL. So what are the odds that a tinnitus cure will be discovered in my lifetime after at least 500 years when I have only a few left? Not very good. If tinnitus gets cured, that's fantastic and I hope that for all that follow me that help arrives. In the meantime like you said "the show must go on". Others have said what other choice do we have.

I believe that the very vocal people here trying to shut down any discussion of progress and claims of improvement in the name of the elusive complete cure that may or may not come are transferring the responsibility of getting better onto the dream of a quick fix, handing the responsibility to others. I have no issue with modern medical science finding a cure for this as they have for so many childhood diseases for instance TB (Tuberculosis), ... Meanwhile we can, if we choose, to get better by doing the work within ourselves. In some cases it requires facing some uncomfortable things before healing can begin which is where I think that the resistance comes in. I was stuck in that cycle in the 90's with panic attacks. Then I got to work and got rid of them but I had to start with me.

As far as music goes, I don't listen to music right now because I reserve my weekly tolerance for working on my own songs and working out lower volume ways to do what I used to do but before this I was a classic rock guy, nothing smooth and inspirational for energy so I don't know how much help my old favorites would be for all of us here but:

Warning, if you have hyperacusis, these may be a bad idea for now.

First three milder songs that inspired me so I recorded them as covers:

Johnny Cash - Hurt

NEIL YOUNG - OLD MAN

Pink Floyd - " MOTHER " The Wall 1980

And then the rowdy stuff I always cranked for energy (there's more but you'll get the idea):

Bad Case Of Love

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing

Queen + Paul Rodgers - All Right Now (Live at...

The Rolling Stones-Intro/Honky Tonk...

John Mellencamp - R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A. (A...

Carry That Weight (Remastered 2009)

Aerosmith - Sweet Emotion (Official HD Video)

The Allman Brothers Band - Statesboro Blues (...

All the best,
George

 

You make some good points. I know that there is no approach with a universal outcome, we are all different. Some trial and error is usually required with chronic illness. If, however, we react with anger to something suggested then this has usually touched on a larger issue. I think that when we do that (including me) we should ask ourselves why didn't I just say ya I tried that and it did not work for me. I tried Cranial Sacral Therapy last year. It did not help me at all. Nice lady, many happy customers. That just didn't address something that Needed fixing for me or I am not wired for it. I am really happy for those that get relief. I tried hypnosis in the 80's, nada. Lots of supplements, mostly nada UNTIL I discovered things that helped me control my a fib and panic attacks! I tried different forms of these cognitive therapies and some of them did not work until they did. Totally eliminated back pain in the 80's.

Also, you touched on another biggie for my journey. I had control issues most of my early life and so when we get sick in a manner out of our control we can get stuck. Hey, it just happened. Shit happens. Even if they meant to hurt us, it happened. Now we control what we are going to do about it. They forget about it long after we are still stuck and suffering. Same with childhood issues. I spent years waiting for, looking for an apology that never came. Then I let it all go. My family were just regular people with a bunch of their own problems independent of me, I just showed up. I freed myself from all that bad history.

I listed some of my old music favorites in another post here, ya, classic rock all the way for me. Played in a classic rock band in 1979, that's how far back I go. It would take a month for me to write down all my favorite songs, they are racing through my head right now since you guys asked.

George

 

Great posts @GeorgeLG! I totally agree.

Regarding the technological progress, the other day I was thinking that the humanity used horses and other animals as the means of transportation for thousands of years. Then there came railroads in 1830s and by the beginning of the 20th century automobiles were massively produced. So, sometimes progress can go very fast, which is giving me some hope.

However, today and for the time being we need to develop our own strategy to cope and rely on the brain plasticity.

 

You're right, technology accelerates rapidly and most of the developments are concentrated into a short period of recent history. I ran and retired from a large technology company so I understand your point. Let me be clear, I hope like you for a cure. Meanwhile back at the ranch I am working on my contingency plan.

George

 

@GeorgeLG, exactly my taste of music. Love that Johnny Cash song. A few songs in the modern world with that nerve (would very much like to hear your cover). He raised up at nine and wrote it. As I understand it he passed away shortly afterwards. He lived his life to the fullest. A luxury that we with chronic disease can’t afford. We need to work hard daily to be at our fittest in order to cope with the constant mental challenges.

Sorry to hear about your prosthetic cancer. Compared to tinnitus there are enormous amount of money going in to research in that field. There is reason to be optimistic.

 

My mother's mom moved to LA in the 60s at only 16. Then she moved back to Europe again. She fell in love with Simon and Garfunkel. She played this song constantly once we grew up. Just yesterday I came to think of this song again. I love the lines:

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again

On a bad day I can not listen to music at all. On a good day I can listen to songs at very low volume. I can now enjoy it as much as in my tinnitus free days but it took me many years to accept that my +8 kHz was ruined for life.

Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence...

 

It’s funny that you should choose the Johnny Cash song because my first project back on my music is to remix and remaster that song which I’m literally in the process of this week. I’ll have it done in the next couple of days and I’ll post a link

George

 

This is also one of my favorites. So sad to hear that Sinéad O'Connor's son passed away at only 17. Those drugs are taking far too many lives. Unfortunately I have personal experience with that.

Peter Gabriel - Blood Of Eden

 

@Matty1996, sorry to hijack your thread...

I am not a religious man but I believe in energy fields and the body’s miraculous recovery of itself. I pray that your natural force of healing is on your side.

Sting - Fields Of Gold (Official Music Video)

 

Just had to post this last one. There is s special story behind it. Kristian the singer suffers from incurable Cancer and knows he has not long time left. Despite that he seam to accept his destiny in the most spiritual way. We need to remember them all!

Playlist: Mix - Kristian Gidlund & Jill...

 

It's alright, I asked about the music too. The purpose of my thread so far has been to vent my frustrations and to post my updates, mostly for myself to rationalise and cope with what has happened. With some luck in a few weeks or months I can look back on it and feel at peace.

I love talking about music and always have done, its a nice change of pace from the stress and worry at the moment. On that note my favourite song is probably-

Who Knows Where The Time Goes?

I love Fairport, and Sandy Denny. I've always thought that if I ever have a daughter some day I would name her after her. Hopefully one day I do get the chance, free from this horrible condition.