- Aug 21, 2017
- 20
- Tinnitus Since
- September 2016
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Unsure, possibly 'research chemical' Benzodiazepine use.
My tinnitus is so loud in my right ear I cannot hear properly at all. I do not understand how they can say I do not have hearing loss. I must do. My right ear is on the 'bottom end' of normal, so there is SOMETHING there.
I do not feel safe crossing roads for example because I cannot hear traffic on my right side.
I almost cancelled the appointment because I am very tired and feel like I have flu constantly, I'm only able to do two walks a day with my dog, the rest of the time I can't really function normally without sending my tremor off the scale, doing too much can be just getting out of bed some days, so getting to the hospital is a militarily maneuver in it's self. I know when I've done too much because the tremor and tinnitus go off the scale and stay off the scale for days at a time sometimes.
I can't be honest either, I can't tell them about all the nights I spend awake, trying to quiet my sobs with pillows so my husband and neighbors don't hear me. I can't tell them about all the horrendous thoughts 'living' with over 30 physical symptoms and the tinnitus on top cause me to think. I have to be VERY careful what I say because anything that goes on my medical record gets Chinese whispered back to this non-NHS addiction 'treatment' agency and misinterpreted as either mental illness or 'significant signs/risk of relapse'. This could mean my Subutex script is put back on daily collection, and I can barely leave my house daily, let alone do that.
Also asking about any treatments can land me up in hot water as that gets misconstrued as 'drug seeking behavior'. They will NOT let my past go.
Is putting myself in even more discomfort by going to this appointment just a total waste of time? I can only sit there and say 'it's manageable' or 'everything is ok' without risking repercussions.
I know because I have dared to be honest before. It got back to the addiction agency and was listed as 'perceptual distortions' (I mentioned eyesight problems like blurred vision and floaters to an NHS GP) and when it got back to the addiction agency, they offered me addictive psych meds like a door to door salesman at EVERY chance they got for months, until my husband attended an appointment with me and told them that they were supposed to be helping clients off drugs, not putting them on more, and that we would raise a complaint if the med hard sell carried on. Comments were also added to my NHS record by this agency's doctors that were untrue and damaging. If someone with an untrained eye and a closed mind had read it, they'd think they were dealing with someone with severe learning disabilities and severe mental health illnesses like Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia.
I am not mentally ill, I am being broken down by a set of symptoms and circumstances that are out of my control.
The only time I do not feel my tremor or hear the Tinnitus is when I go to sleep, my heart sinks when I wake up, my biggest wish in the entire world right now is to die in my sleep, with no effort. To stay in that state of stillness and quiet forever. I do not care if there is an afterlife, despite me believing there is, because if all there is is darkness, silence and still, then that's heaven to me. Nothing, a black empty void would be amazing compared to this.
So do I go, fob them off and come home, or do I just not bother?. I feel like a time waster, that appointment could go to someone who can be honest about how they feel.
I have started to realize that ALL the people who have contributed to this state I am now in are people who have been in various positions of trust, people I so misguidedly trusted with my health and well-being. They ignorantly forced me into a dangerous cold turkey from the legal high Benzos, they told me I would be ok, I stupidly believed them. This is proof that nobody cares about anyone or anything apart from themselves and their bank balances.
I replied to the text to say I would go, but really, what's the point?. Should I call back and say I can't make it?
I do not feel safe crossing roads for example because I cannot hear traffic on my right side.
I almost cancelled the appointment because I am very tired and feel like I have flu constantly, I'm only able to do two walks a day with my dog, the rest of the time I can't really function normally without sending my tremor off the scale, doing too much can be just getting out of bed some days, so getting to the hospital is a militarily maneuver in it's self. I know when I've done too much because the tremor and tinnitus go off the scale and stay off the scale for days at a time sometimes.
I can't be honest either, I can't tell them about all the nights I spend awake, trying to quiet my sobs with pillows so my husband and neighbors don't hear me. I can't tell them about all the horrendous thoughts 'living' with over 30 physical symptoms and the tinnitus on top cause me to think. I have to be VERY careful what I say because anything that goes on my medical record gets Chinese whispered back to this non-NHS addiction 'treatment' agency and misinterpreted as either mental illness or 'significant signs/risk of relapse'. This could mean my Subutex script is put back on daily collection, and I can barely leave my house daily, let alone do that.
Also asking about any treatments can land me up in hot water as that gets misconstrued as 'drug seeking behavior'. They will NOT let my past go.
Is putting myself in even more discomfort by going to this appointment just a total waste of time? I can only sit there and say 'it's manageable' or 'everything is ok' without risking repercussions.
I know because I have dared to be honest before. It got back to the addiction agency and was listed as 'perceptual distortions' (I mentioned eyesight problems like blurred vision and floaters to an NHS GP) and when it got back to the addiction agency, they offered me addictive psych meds like a door to door salesman at EVERY chance they got for months, until my husband attended an appointment with me and told them that they were supposed to be helping clients off drugs, not putting them on more, and that we would raise a complaint if the med hard sell carried on. Comments were also added to my NHS record by this agency's doctors that were untrue and damaging. If someone with an untrained eye and a closed mind had read it, they'd think they were dealing with someone with severe learning disabilities and severe mental health illnesses like Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia.
I am not mentally ill, I am being broken down by a set of symptoms and circumstances that are out of my control.
The only time I do not feel my tremor or hear the Tinnitus is when I go to sleep, my heart sinks when I wake up, my biggest wish in the entire world right now is to die in my sleep, with no effort. To stay in that state of stillness and quiet forever. I do not care if there is an afterlife, despite me believing there is, because if all there is is darkness, silence and still, then that's heaven to me. Nothing, a black empty void would be amazing compared to this.
So do I go, fob them off and come home, or do I just not bother?. I feel like a time waster, that appointment could go to someone who can be honest about how they feel.
I have started to realize that ALL the people who have contributed to this state I am now in are people who have been in various positions of trust, people I so misguidedly trusted with my health and well-being. They ignorantly forced me into a dangerous cold turkey from the legal high Benzos, they told me I would be ok, I stupidly believed them. This is proof that nobody cares about anyone or anything apart from themselves and their bank balances.
I replied to the text to say I would go, but really, what's the point?. Should I call back and say I can't make it?
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