Dear viewer(s),
Hello
To start off, this is not my first post, and will most likely not be the last (who knows, maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones...). It's been almost 3 weeks with Tinnitus now, and I thought I would reflect on my experience so far with it; How I'm handling it, the good, the bad, and everything in between. This may take a while to read, but I hope it will help distract you from yours and also learn a little bit about my experience at the same time.
I know, it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet. Some of you have had this for years, even decades. I'm not going to complain like I did in my previous posts, but rather tell you exactly how it's been for me and how I'm dealing with it, and all that's happened so far. Okay, enough is enough. I'll get straight into it. So one day I woke up with this noise in my ear. I was not the least bit concerned, as I have heard this noise either when I've had an ear infection, sitting in a very quiet room, when my ears occasionally get blocked by wax or sleeping (I suppose suction has something to do with that?). I figured well, it'll go away, like it always does. Nothing to freak out about. Obviously, that was a bad judgement call, but nonetheless, I woke up the next day, and it was still here.
Now the second day... That's when I started to freak out. I searched "ringing in the ears" on Google, and up comes a ton of information, and the definition of Tinnitus. Even that word kind of sounds evil... o.o That was my first thought anyway. I found this site, as well as read a wealth of other information, some of which I wish I had not read, because I'm rather prone to anxiety and well... the more bad stories and negative things I read, the more my heart starts racing and the lightheaded feeling follows, as well as the tightness in the chest and pretty much every other muscle. I've been depressed and have had anxiety for a number of years... I've tried therapy, but I could never get in frequently enough for it to work for me (I would need to go atleast twice a week. I mean look how much I type xD Imagine how much I can say in the same amount of time :/). I've always been against medication of any kind (even if the doctor prescribed it for a cold, I usually just suffered through because honestly, who knows what that stuff will do to my body. Then there's the pot... I have a mixed relationship with that. On the one hand, it usually makes me calm, happy, hungry (probably how I packed on the pounds now that I think of it), and in general just puts me in a better mood and allows me to get throughout the day without much of an issue. I would laugh at things even if they weren't very funny. Now the other side of it... Sometimes, atleast when I smoke enough, I get anxious. I've always been one to want to smoke the best of the best that I can get. We're talking hydro on steroids (not in the literal sense, but in the 25%+ THC range normally). I always wanted to get stoned, pretty much every day. The bong (or water pipe if you will) was my favourite choice, so I pretty much only ever smoked out of that, even though I would occasionally roll up or pack the bowl. In the past few years, I would say I've been pretty stressed out. The pot sort of helped relieve it, but at the same time, it also depended on the state of mind I was in. It's nothing compared to the neutral trip I had on LSD (I had two "good" trips, and the third was... scary but I calmed down and just went through it). That was more than a panic attack even at that. Anyways, back on track.
The night before I woke up with Tinnitus, I was enjoying some nice fresh bud, medical grade stuff. I don't remember the name of the strain, something with Gorilla in it. Anyways, I've pretty much been smoking the same stuff for a while, and my tolerance goes up pretty quick because of the bong usage. So I was hitting the bong, as usual, but for some reason, I just felt this wave of cold rush over me. I started to feel numb, I could hear my heartbeat (this isn't abnormal, I've smoked plenty of times to where I could hear and feel it, and it kind of made me feel unsettled, but I sort of got used to it after a while, and it didn't happen very frequently). Anyways, I had a major panic attack. I ran into the other room, and even though I've always had a strong stance against meds, my heart was slamming against my chest and no matter how much I tried to sit there and relax and told myself I would be okay, it just wasn't working. So I took about half a Xanax, think the whole thing was 0.5 so I took 0.25mg, or maybe a 0.5 if it was a 1. Anyways, for some reason, I don't know if I was getting sick, or if I was just too focused on how I felt and well... I'm not sure what happened. I mean the best I can describe how it felt was... I felt a little dizzy. I was extremely anxious and worried, and I felt like I was just going to pass out. I've smoked for 2 years now, almost every single day with the exception of a few breaks, and even many days before this happened, and smoked more those days. That night though, I don't know what happened. So I took the half a Xanax, and then laid down in bed and relaxed the best I could, and watched some Netflix until I fell asleep shortly after.
The next morning, when I woke up, the ringing started. As I previously said, I wasn't worried. It had always gone away within the day, so I just let it go. I wasn't worried until the nest day. Later that night I went to the ER, and basically got a referral to an ENT. I waited about two days and then called, but they wouldn't see me until the end of March, and I was freaking out, so that was too long at the time (fast forward, I've got an appointment at a different one for July 18th. I'm still searching for an appointment somewhere much earlier though). Anyways, the next week or so was hard on me. I went to the ER a second time and basically they did nothing again, so I left in frustration. I had some wax in my left ear, so I used drops here and there as well as irrigation. My ear still felt plugged up, so I figured I hadn't gotten it all out. Well, when I went to my primary for the referral to a an audiologist, they said that there was not any abnormal amount of wax in the ear that apparently had the ER doctor concerned enough to tell me to flush it out. So that was a little concerning, as I was almost sure thats what was causing it. Although I can hear it on both sides, its loud enough on the left to where I can't hear it on the right unless I focus on it. In general even when its low on both sides I can still hear it "in my head" so to speak. That's not to say I'm crazy, but since the noise originates inside the ear rather than out, it sort of makes sense. Anyways, I got the referral and went to the audiologist.
Skip the long drive and ridiculous layout of the university where the audiologist was... I arrived and signed all the papers and etc. I went in, was greeted by the audiologist, and she asked if I had any questions before we got started, and told me not to be overly concerned by the loud beeps or thuds made by the equipment, as they couldn't damage my ears. I trusted her, and so that part of the test went on. I believe that specific part was testing my E tube, and I had been a bit congested so I thought maybe that was clogged... We'll get to that later. The next set of tests was in a sound proof room (well not sound proof, but to the point where the only sound I could hear was inside the room). Of course, the T was roaring, and I hadn't slept in about 20+ hours as I wouldn't have made the appointment otherwise, but I clicked the button when I heard the sounds, even the faint ones, as well as the loud ones. I spoke the words as instructed, and all that happy stuff. Anyways, tests are over now. I sat down across from her. She showed me the measurements, charts, etc. and explained each one to me. Well... my E tube was working as it's supposed to, according to the tests. Apparently I did above the average level required for normal hearing (would make sense if the T had something to do with hyperactivity maybe? Still, thats just speculation), and on paper, my hearing was perfect according to the tests. Then came the "We believe that it comes from the brain..." and all that. I was tired, worried, frustrated, and basically took it as "it's all in my head, what am I nuts?" and the drive home was probably the worst I've ever felt in my life. I wanted to give up then and there. I thought about swerving into oncoming traffic even... Needless to say, I didn't take the news well. That was on the 9th of March, and as I write this, it's the 15th of March, so it's been about a week since then.
I've got an appointment for an ENT on July 18th, but I'm trying to get an earlier appointment. Other than that... The past week in general has been better than the previous weeks. I've been a lot more calm (only maybe twice have I gotten fed up with the noise and started ranting to myself and considering suicide), just kind of taking it for what it is and dealing with it. I still think the whole "not life threatening" part is bs. It definitely is, because it makes you want to kill yourself (at least in my experience... However, admittedly I've always been a bit dramatic... Could be the manic depressive in me). The pitch has been much lower, it was only really bad one day this week, and that was because I had been driving with the window down. For some reason that gives me loud pulsatile tinnitus, whereas normally it doesn't pulse and stays pretty quiet as long as I don't specifically focus on it or press my ear against something (yes, getting to sleep is still a pain in the butt, but much less than it was the first week, mainly because of how I'm reacting to it). When it gets bad, I take slow deep breaths, in and out about 5 seconds each, so I'm not hyperventilating. It definitely helps me calm down, and I wish I had taken the advice about deep breaths much sooner, as it would of helped me with the hundreds of panic attacks I've had over the years, but late is better than never right?
I stopped smoking pot completely for the first 2 weeks, excluding the 4th day where I thought I would try it even though I had read that it can get louder. Oh yeah, it sure did. It spiked like crazy. Totally didn't help that I had my Turtle Beach gaming headphones on, which have noise cancellation and basically... Yeah I bought a cheap one ear non-occluding headset for until it goes away... if it does. I'm back to smoking, but I've put the bong away and now take smaller hits over a longer period of time with my little bowl. It does seem to raise the pitch ever so slightly, but not to where its noticeable most of the time... Sometimes it seems even quieter than before I smoked, but that could just be from feeling relaxed and focusing on other things like gaming and talking on the phone.
I'm not going to accept it as a reality. I refuse to accept that I will hear this forever, but I'm willing to accept that it may be here for a while, and I'm willing to cope with it the best I can. I do my best not to let it get to me. The moment I start thinking about it, I immediately throw myself into some sort of task to distract myself (gaming, talking on the phone, walking around the house, anything to get my mind off of it). So for the most part, I only really notice that its there when I'm not doing anything and start to focus on it. I mean, it certainly doesn't go away, but I guess to my brain it's just not very important, so some sort of short term habituation seems to have kicked in already, and honestly, I'm feeling okay. Even as I write this and obviously am focusing on it a bit more, it's not very loud at all. About halfway through writing this I felt the same way I did the night before this happened, so I just got up, walked away, got some water, and sat in the living room for about 10 minutes and took some slow deep breaths. Yes, I smoked a bit. Although my blood pressure comes out normal almost all the time when I check it, I feel as if maybe the vessels in my head are possible constricted in some way, and maybe thats what caused all of this in the first place. I mean, it would explain why it gets louder when my blood pressure spikes... but at the same time, caffeine either does nothing or makes my head tighter and the noise lower (I think that's because caffeine is a vascoconstrictor), and that's generally only energy drinks. A can of soda barely even wakes me up, so who knows... All I know is, theres definitely some correlation between my blood pressure and the spikes. When I'm anxious, it gets louder. When I'm stressed, it gets louder. When air blows past it, it gets louder. If I listen to anything loud, it gets louder (though I generally keep the volume lower anyway nowadays). When I relax, it gets lower. When I take deep breaths, it gets lower. When I'm focused on other things, it gets lower. When I wake up in the morning, its usually lower, sometimes higher but not by much, and always seems to lower once I turn some Criminal Minds on and chill for a bit. I'm honestly pretty hyper right now, but it's still pretty low. I don't want to self diagnose, but its hard not to try and figure out what's causing it, so if it had to be something... I would blame it on allergies. Even though the audiologist said the E tube is working fine, and that may be the case, it always flares up when I've been outside a lot. When I don't go outside, it seems to stay pretty low all day long. I have seasonal allergies and have had a stuffy nose almost the entire time, as well as a lot of pressure in my head. It slowly seems to be going away though, and the noise seems to stay pretty low most days, so maybe it is the allergies, or maybe I'm just crazy.
Anyways, I'm not sure if any of you will read this. I know it's an essay length post, but I tend to write a lot even in text messages, so it's not surprising that I go in-depth on forum posts. If you did read it all, thank you If not, I understand. Either way, I encourage you to comment/post any questions you may have for me, or maybe even reflect on my reflections so to speak? Anyways, I hope you all have a good day/night, and I'll check back throughout the day tomorrow and read the replies/comments and reply to any questions or comments where it is due.
Still here,
- SwiftLeo
Hello
To start off, this is not my first post, and will most likely not be the last (who knows, maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones...). It's been almost 3 weeks with Tinnitus now, and I thought I would reflect on my experience so far with it; How I'm handling it, the good, the bad, and everything in between. This may take a while to read, but I hope it will help distract you from yours and also learn a little bit about my experience at the same time.I know, it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet. Some of you have had this for years, even decades. I'm not going to complain like I did in my previous posts, but rather tell you exactly how it's been for me and how I'm dealing with it, and all that's happened so far. Okay, enough is enough. I'll get straight into it. So one day I woke up with this noise in my ear. I was not the least bit concerned, as I have heard this noise either when I've had an ear infection, sitting in a very quiet room, when my ears occasionally get blocked by wax or sleeping (I suppose suction has something to do with that?). I figured well, it'll go away, like it always does. Nothing to freak out about. Obviously, that was a bad judgement call, but nonetheless, I woke up the next day, and it was still here.
Now the second day... That's when I started to freak out. I searched "ringing in the ears" on Google, and up comes a ton of information, and the definition of Tinnitus. Even that word kind of sounds evil... o.o That was my first thought anyway. I found this site, as well as read a wealth of other information, some of which I wish I had not read, because I'm rather prone to anxiety and well... the more bad stories and negative things I read, the more my heart starts racing and the lightheaded feeling follows, as well as the tightness in the chest and pretty much every other muscle. I've been depressed and have had anxiety for a number of years... I've tried therapy, but I could never get in frequently enough for it to work for me (I would need to go atleast twice a week. I mean look how much I type xD Imagine how much I can say in the same amount of time :/). I've always been against medication of any kind (even if the doctor prescribed it for a cold, I usually just suffered through because honestly, who knows what that stuff will do to my body. Then there's the pot... I have a mixed relationship with that. On the one hand, it usually makes me calm, happy, hungry (probably how I packed on the pounds now that I think of it), and in general just puts me in a better mood and allows me to get throughout the day without much of an issue. I would laugh at things even if they weren't very funny. Now the other side of it... Sometimes, atleast when I smoke enough, I get anxious. I've always been one to want to smoke the best of the best that I can get. We're talking hydro on steroids (not in the literal sense, but in the 25%+ THC range normally). I always wanted to get stoned, pretty much every day. The bong (or water pipe if you will) was my favourite choice, so I pretty much only ever smoked out of that, even though I would occasionally roll up or pack the bowl. In the past few years, I would say I've been pretty stressed out. The pot sort of helped relieve it, but at the same time, it also depended on the state of mind I was in. It's nothing compared to the neutral trip I had on LSD (I had two "good" trips, and the third was... scary but I calmed down and just went through it). That was more than a panic attack even at that. Anyways, back on track.
The night before I woke up with Tinnitus, I was enjoying some nice fresh bud, medical grade stuff. I don't remember the name of the strain, something with Gorilla in it. Anyways, I've pretty much been smoking the same stuff for a while, and my tolerance goes up pretty quick because of the bong usage. So I was hitting the bong, as usual, but for some reason, I just felt this wave of cold rush over me. I started to feel numb, I could hear my heartbeat (this isn't abnormal, I've smoked plenty of times to where I could hear and feel it, and it kind of made me feel unsettled, but I sort of got used to it after a while, and it didn't happen very frequently). Anyways, I had a major panic attack. I ran into the other room, and even though I've always had a strong stance against meds, my heart was slamming against my chest and no matter how much I tried to sit there and relax and told myself I would be okay, it just wasn't working. So I took about half a Xanax, think the whole thing was 0.5 so I took 0.25mg, or maybe a 0.5 if it was a 1. Anyways, for some reason, I don't know if I was getting sick, or if I was just too focused on how I felt and well... I'm not sure what happened. I mean the best I can describe how it felt was... I felt a little dizzy. I was extremely anxious and worried, and I felt like I was just going to pass out. I've smoked for 2 years now, almost every single day with the exception of a few breaks, and even many days before this happened, and smoked more those days. That night though, I don't know what happened. So I took the half a Xanax, and then laid down in bed and relaxed the best I could, and watched some Netflix until I fell asleep shortly after.
The next morning, when I woke up, the ringing started. As I previously said, I wasn't worried. It had always gone away within the day, so I just let it go. I wasn't worried until the nest day. Later that night I went to the ER, and basically got a referral to an ENT. I waited about two days and then called, but they wouldn't see me until the end of March, and I was freaking out, so that was too long at the time (fast forward, I've got an appointment at a different one for July 18th. I'm still searching for an appointment somewhere much earlier though). Anyways, the next week or so was hard on me. I went to the ER a second time and basically they did nothing again, so I left in frustration. I had some wax in my left ear, so I used drops here and there as well as irrigation. My ear still felt plugged up, so I figured I hadn't gotten it all out. Well, when I went to my primary for the referral to a an audiologist, they said that there was not any abnormal amount of wax in the ear that apparently had the ER doctor concerned enough to tell me to flush it out. So that was a little concerning, as I was almost sure thats what was causing it. Although I can hear it on both sides, its loud enough on the left to where I can't hear it on the right unless I focus on it. In general even when its low on both sides I can still hear it "in my head" so to speak. That's not to say I'm crazy, but since the noise originates inside the ear rather than out, it sort of makes sense. Anyways, I got the referral and went to the audiologist.
Skip the long drive and ridiculous layout of the university where the audiologist was... I arrived and signed all the papers and etc. I went in, was greeted by the audiologist, and she asked if I had any questions before we got started, and told me not to be overly concerned by the loud beeps or thuds made by the equipment, as they couldn't damage my ears. I trusted her, and so that part of the test went on. I believe that specific part was testing my E tube, and I had been a bit congested so I thought maybe that was clogged... We'll get to that later. The next set of tests was in a sound proof room (well not sound proof, but to the point where the only sound I could hear was inside the room). Of course, the T was roaring, and I hadn't slept in about 20+ hours as I wouldn't have made the appointment otherwise, but I clicked the button when I heard the sounds, even the faint ones, as well as the loud ones. I spoke the words as instructed, and all that happy stuff. Anyways, tests are over now. I sat down across from her. She showed me the measurements, charts, etc. and explained each one to me. Well... my E tube was working as it's supposed to, according to the tests. Apparently I did above the average level required for normal hearing (would make sense if the T had something to do with hyperactivity maybe? Still, thats just speculation), and on paper, my hearing was perfect according to the tests. Then came the "We believe that it comes from the brain..." and all that. I was tired, worried, frustrated, and basically took it as "it's all in my head, what am I nuts?" and the drive home was probably the worst I've ever felt in my life. I wanted to give up then and there. I thought about swerving into oncoming traffic even... Needless to say, I didn't take the news well. That was on the 9th of March, and as I write this, it's the 15th of March, so it's been about a week since then.
I've got an appointment for an ENT on July 18th, but I'm trying to get an earlier appointment. Other than that... The past week in general has been better than the previous weeks. I've been a lot more calm (only maybe twice have I gotten fed up with the noise and started ranting to myself and considering suicide), just kind of taking it for what it is and dealing with it. I still think the whole "not life threatening" part is bs. It definitely is, because it makes you want to kill yourself (at least in my experience... However, admittedly I've always been a bit dramatic... Could be the manic depressive in me). The pitch has been much lower, it was only really bad one day this week, and that was because I had been driving with the window down. For some reason that gives me loud pulsatile tinnitus, whereas normally it doesn't pulse and stays pretty quiet as long as I don't specifically focus on it or press my ear against something (yes, getting to sleep is still a pain in the butt, but much less than it was the first week, mainly because of how I'm reacting to it). When it gets bad, I take slow deep breaths, in and out about 5 seconds each, so I'm not hyperventilating. It definitely helps me calm down, and I wish I had taken the advice about deep breaths much sooner, as it would of helped me with the hundreds of panic attacks I've had over the years, but late is better than never right?
I stopped smoking pot completely for the first 2 weeks, excluding the 4th day where I thought I would try it even though I had read that it can get louder. Oh yeah, it sure did. It spiked like crazy. Totally didn't help that I had my Turtle Beach gaming headphones on, which have noise cancellation and basically... Yeah I bought a cheap one ear non-occluding headset for until it goes away... if it does. I'm back to smoking, but I've put the bong away and now take smaller hits over a longer period of time with my little bowl. It does seem to raise the pitch ever so slightly, but not to where its noticeable most of the time... Sometimes it seems even quieter than before I smoked, but that could just be from feeling relaxed and focusing on other things like gaming and talking on the phone.
I'm not going to accept it as a reality. I refuse to accept that I will hear this forever, but I'm willing to accept that it may be here for a while, and I'm willing to cope with it the best I can. I do my best not to let it get to me. The moment I start thinking about it, I immediately throw myself into some sort of task to distract myself (gaming, talking on the phone, walking around the house, anything to get my mind off of it). So for the most part, I only really notice that its there when I'm not doing anything and start to focus on it. I mean, it certainly doesn't go away, but I guess to my brain it's just not very important, so some sort of short term habituation seems to have kicked in already, and honestly, I'm feeling okay. Even as I write this and obviously am focusing on it a bit more, it's not very loud at all. About halfway through writing this I felt the same way I did the night before this happened, so I just got up, walked away, got some water, and sat in the living room for about 10 minutes and took some slow deep breaths. Yes, I smoked a bit. Although my blood pressure comes out normal almost all the time when I check it, I feel as if maybe the vessels in my head are possible constricted in some way, and maybe thats what caused all of this in the first place. I mean, it would explain why it gets louder when my blood pressure spikes... but at the same time, caffeine either does nothing or makes my head tighter and the noise lower (I think that's because caffeine is a vascoconstrictor), and that's generally only energy drinks. A can of soda barely even wakes me up, so who knows... All I know is, theres definitely some correlation between my blood pressure and the spikes. When I'm anxious, it gets louder. When I'm stressed, it gets louder. When air blows past it, it gets louder. If I listen to anything loud, it gets louder (though I generally keep the volume lower anyway nowadays). When I relax, it gets lower. When I take deep breaths, it gets lower. When I'm focused on other things, it gets lower. When I wake up in the morning, its usually lower, sometimes higher but not by much, and always seems to lower once I turn some Criminal Minds on and chill for a bit. I'm honestly pretty hyper right now, but it's still pretty low. I don't want to self diagnose, but its hard not to try and figure out what's causing it, so if it had to be something... I would blame it on allergies. Even though the audiologist said the E tube is working fine, and that may be the case, it always flares up when I've been outside a lot. When I don't go outside, it seems to stay pretty low all day long. I have seasonal allergies and have had a stuffy nose almost the entire time, as well as a lot of pressure in my head. It slowly seems to be going away though, and the noise seems to stay pretty low most days, so maybe it is the allergies, or maybe I'm just crazy.
Anyways, I'm not sure if any of you will read this. I know it's an essay length post, but I tend to write a lot even in text messages, so it's not surprising that I go in-depth on forum posts. If you did read it all, thank you
If not, I understand. Either way, I encourage you to comment/post any questions you may have for me, or maybe even reflect on my reflections so to speak? Anyways, I hope you all have a good day/night, and I'll check back throughout the day tomorrow and read the replies/comments and reply to any questions or comments where it is due.Still here,
- SwiftLeo
