Feeling Lost Postpartum

[Meinz89]

Having an incredibly hard time three weeks postpartum, and while I wish I could blame everything on the massive hormonal shift, the truth is this depressed feeling isn't just the baby blues or postpartum depression. It's grief. I'm grieving.

For the last 10 months that I've lived with tinnitus, I held onto hope, a tiny sliver of belief that maybe it was purely pregnancy-related and would resolve once I delivered. I even let myself imagine that postpartum it would get quieter, more stable, and more manageable.

My baby spent a week in the NICU and, during that time, I barely thought about my tinnitus because I was completely consumed with worry for him. Now that he's home, healthy, safe, and perfect, you'd think I'd feel nothing but gratitude. But now that the crisis is over, the tinnitus is front and center again. It feels worse, louder, more "in my head," and now in both ears instead of just my left like it had been for most of this journey.

And being alone with it has made everything harder. My husband is back at work, I don't have any family here, and there is so much quiet time during the day. Too much space for my mind to go to the darkest places.

I feel like I'm grieving my old self. I'm scared I'll be one of the ones who can't habituate, especially because I'm struggling so much to accept that this is my reality right now. My family and friends are tired of hearing about it, I can tell. They mean well, but they don't know what to say anymore, and honestly I don't blame them.

This condition is so lonely. Even with my baby in my arms, this beautiful little person I dreamed of for years, I've never felt more empty.

 

[Vincent R]

If there is no going back, what could a path forward look like? You can't fix your tinnitus. What can you do?

These are the kind of questions I ask myself to keep going. Usually, there are lots of things I can come up with that are related not to the past but to the future.

 

[Sydnears]

Ah, my heart breaks for you. What should be the most exciting time in your life just isn't. And all of us completely understand why.

I'm increasingly realizing why people say "stay busy." I recently had my parents visiting from overseas for a week. For that whole week we were out, active, and living life. Tinnitus was there, but much more in the background. They left, and my tinnitus is now back, front and center again. I'm generally a quiet and reserved person, so the "keep busy" approach, while I can appreciate that it works, is really hard to achieve all of the time.

I'm coming up to 8 months and really struggling to habituate as well. Like you, my friends and family don't know what to say anymore. Honestly, I'm even sick of thinking and talking about it. The "hope you're feeling better" falls flat now, especially when you just aren't. It's a very isolating, strange, and lonely condition.

The only advice I can offer is to get outside as much as you can. Nature helps me a lot. Mask if it helps you for now. Maybe meeting other new mothers in your community will help? Hang in there. Your baby and your purpose need you.

 

[MindOverMatter]

I feel like I'm grieving my old self. I'm scared I'll be one of the ones who can't habituate, especially because I'm struggling so much to accept that this is my reality right now. My family and friends are tired of hearing about it, I can tell. They mean well, but they don't know what to say anymore, and honestly I don't blame them.

This condition is so lonely. Even with my baby in my arms, this beautiful little person I dreamed of for years, I've never felt more empty.

First of all, congratulations on your newborn!

Grief is a part of this process, and an unavoidable one. It takes time to accept. And yes, it can be a lonely condition at times. That's why I personally went to counseling for 5 years, though only sporadically during the last 3. It's not enough to talk to someone in the family who seems tired of hearing about it and doesn't really understand.

Be kind to yourself, and make sure you get enough restorative sleep. It's essential for the nervous system and for the healing process.

I still believe you can habituate to a level where you can live a good life with it. There is time. Maybe things won't be exactly as they were, and it's okay to grieve that. But I've learned to say that different is not broken.

May you find happiness and strength in your little one, Meg. Let your mind and body settle, and take one day at a time. I believe in you. You've got this, eventually, one way or another.

Stay strong.