Hi everyone,
It's been a long time since I've been on here. I've meant to post my story before, but I was afraid I'd jinx myself. I also carry a lot of PTSD from everything that happened. I'm not sure if I'll reply to questions. I want to help others, but I know there can be negativity here, and I don't want that in my mindset. Anyway, here's my story.
I've had a traumatic life since childhood. After something that happened in 2008, I started living with severe anxiety. Looking back, I probably had a lot of anxiety before that too, without realizing it.
I first got intrusive tinnitus in October 2020. It affected me deeply and made me extremely stressed. My mental health suffered. Things started getting better toward the end of 2021. At the time, I thought that was because of lockdown and a quieter environment. But looking back now, I think it had more to do with calming my nervous system and feeling excited about my pregnancy. I got pregnant in September 2021.
Even though I still had anxiety, I was living a fairly normal and happy life. The tinnitus didn't really bother me anymore, although I stopped going to clubs, bars, and concerts. In May 2023, I ended up going on a night out, got very drunk, and stayed out until around three in the morning. It was louder than I expected. My severe tinnitus came back shortly after, and I had a huge anxiety crash. I kept monitoring my symptoms, avoiding everything I could, and worrying constantly. I became pregnant again later that year. As my due date got closer and I still wasn't better, I just got more and more anxious.
Shortly after giving birth and returning home from the hospital, my tinnitus exploded. I started hearing strange new sounds every day and night, including fleeting tones and reactive symptoms. I was constantly on edge. I didn't want to go anywhere with the baby because I was trying to avoid noise. Both of my kids were, and still are, very loud. My baby had colic and screamed non-stop. My husband worked shifts, and I refused to ask for help. I tried to do everything alone. At the same time, we were going through a horrible family situation. My husband's cousin and best friend died suddenly from a brain tumor. So I was supporting him while also caring for a newborn and a three-year-old.
I developed pain in my ears and spiraled even more. I was keeping obsessive symptom logs, spending hours reading Tinnitus Talk, and avoiding nearly everything. The birth had been intense and frightening, and I believe that was the real trigger. But my reaction made everything worse.
Then in July, just a couple of days after a huge fight with my sister, things got dramatically worse. I suddenly developed sharp ear pain and could no longer take care of my children. I was exhausted, terrified, and breaking down completely.
My husband had to leave work to care for the kids. My newborn went to stay with my in-laws. I stayed in the spare room and hid when others were home. When I was alone, I just cried. I stopped showering after reading something online and switched to taking only baths. I lost a lot of weight and hit the lowest point I've ever known. If you have kids, you'll understand the pain of being separated from them. I thought I might never be with them again. I even booked an Airbnb to escape, but I only lasted a couple of days there by myself.
Even in the middle of all that, I noticed that the pain would come and go. Sometimes I could talk to my family, sometimes not. And even writing this now, I feel that same fear in my chest and some symptoms returning in my ear.
Then I found a Reddit post that changed everything. It was written by someone called olly132. I seriously recommend reading it. That post introduced me to pain reprocessing therapy. I read Unlearn Your Pain by Howard Schubiner and The Way Out by Alan Gordon. I started watching videos on YouTube (with the sound off at first), especially by Dan Buglio. I downloaded the Curable app and joined the Facebook group. I stopped reading tinnitus and hyperacusis forums. I began meditating, doing yoga, and practicing mindfulness. I made thankfulness part of my day. I did affirmations in the mirror every morning.
I also started EMDR therapy. At first, we had to type messages back and forth because I couldn't speak, but I eventually got there. I realized how much trauma I was holding and how unsafe I felt in my body. I added CBT, both with a therapist and by working through a book that helped a lot. I learned that I'm a people pleaser, self-critical, bad at saying no, and put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. I've struggled with low confidence and self-esteem my whole life. All of that was keeping my nervous system stuck in panic mode.
Over time, I slowly taught my body that noise is not dangerous. One day in October, my amazing husband encouraged me to go for a walk. It was such a beautiful day, and I felt so thankful to be outside that the joy overwhelmed the fear. That was the turning point. After that, I kept doing more and more, always staying within what felt safe. Some people get better by forcing themselves to push through. I'm not that kind of person. I need to feel safe and supported first.
I should also mention that I was taking Gabapentin, which didn't really help, but I later added a small dose of Clomipramine (around 12 milligrams), which I still take. I'm not sure if it helps, but I'm not going to risk stopping now. I also took Ambroxol for a while.
Learning about this nervous system work changed my entire life. I'm not the anxious person I used to be. I'm a calmer partner and a better parent. I feel grateful every single day. I'm better at setting boundaries, better at saying no, and I don't automatically assume everyone's mad at me anymore, though I still catch myself doing that sometimes.
I still get symptoms, but I don't panic. If something's bothering me, I write it down on a "worry list" and save it for later. Most of the time, I forget about it before I even go back.
I'm back with my family. I've flown on a trip with my husband, gone to an amusement park with my daughter, returned to work, gone to birthday parties, and taken the baby to sensory classes. I don't go to bars, clubs, or concerts anymore. I'm nearly 40 with two small kids, so that's just not part of my life now. I also don't use headphones or go out to eat late anymore.
That's everything. I always promised myself that if I got better, I'd share my story. I hope this helps someone else.
It's been a long time since I've been on here. I've meant to post my story before, but I was afraid I'd jinx myself. I also carry a lot of PTSD from everything that happened. I'm not sure if I'll reply to questions. I want to help others, but I know there can be negativity here, and I don't want that in my mindset. Anyway, here's my story.
I've had a traumatic life since childhood. After something that happened in 2008, I started living with severe anxiety. Looking back, I probably had a lot of anxiety before that too, without realizing it.
I first got intrusive tinnitus in October 2020. It affected me deeply and made me extremely stressed. My mental health suffered. Things started getting better toward the end of 2021. At the time, I thought that was because of lockdown and a quieter environment. But looking back now, I think it had more to do with calming my nervous system and feeling excited about my pregnancy. I got pregnant in September 2021.
Even though I still had anxiety, I was living a fairly normal and happy life. The tinnitus didn't really bother me anymore, although I stopped going to clubs, bars, and concerts. In May 2023, I ended up going on a night out, got very drunk, and stayed out until around three in the morning. It was louder than I expected. My severe tinnitus came back shortly after, and I had a huge anxiety crash. I kept monitoring my symptoms, avoiding everything I could, and worrying constantly. I became pregnant again later that year. As my due date got closer and I still wasn't better, I just got more and more anxious.
Shortly after giving birth and returning home from the hospital, my tinnitus exploded. I started hearing strange new sounds every day and night, including fleeting tones and reactive symptoms. I was constantly on edge. I didn't want to go anywhere with the baby because I was trying to avoid noise. Both of my kids were, and still are, very loud. My baby had colic and screamed non-stop. My husband worked shifts, and I refused to ask for help. I tried to do everything alone. At the same time, we were going through a horrible family situation. My husband's cousin and best friend died suddenly from a brain tumor. So I was supporting him while also caring for a newborn and a three-year-old.
I developed pain in my ears and spiraled even more. I was keeping obsessive symptom logs, spending hours reading Tinnitus Talk, and avoiding nearly everything. The birth had been intense and frightening, and I believe that was the real trigger. But my reaction made everything worse.
Then in July, just a couple of days after a huge fight with my sister, things got dramatically worse. I suddenly developed sharp ear pain and could no longer take care of my children. I was exhausted, terrified, and breaking down completely.
My husband had to leave work to care for the kids. My newborn went to stay with my in-laws. I stayed in the spare room and hid when others were home. When I was alone, I just cried. I stopped showering after reading something online and switched to taking only baths. I lost a lot of weight and hit the lowest point I've ever known. If you have kids, you'll understand the pain of being separated from them. I thought I might never be with them again. I even booked an Airbnb to escape, but I only lasted a couple of days there by myself.
Even in the middle of all that, I noticed that the pain would come and go. Sometimes I could talk to my family, sometimes not. And even writing this now, I feel that same fear in my chest and some symptoms returning in my ear.
Then I found a Reddit post that changed everything. It was written by someone called olly132. I seriously recommend reading it. That post introduced me to pain reprocessing therapy. I read Unlearn Your Pain by Howard Schubiner and The Way Out by Alan Gordon. I started watching videos on YouTube (with the sound off at first), especially by Dan Buglio. I downloaded the Curable app and joined the Facebook group. I stopped reading tinnitus and hyperacusis forums. I began meditating, doing yoga, and practicing mindfulness. I made thankfulness part of my day. I did affirmations in the mirror every morning.
I also started EMDR therapy. At first, we had to type messages back and forth because I couldn't speak, but I eventually got there. I realized how much trauma I was holding and how unsafe I felt in my body. I added CBT, both with a therapist and by working through a book that helped a lot. I learned that I'm a people pleaser, self-critical, bad at saying no, and put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. I've struggled with low confidence and self-esteem my whole life. All of that was keeping my nervous system stuck in panic mode.
Over time, I slowly taught my body that noise is not dangerous. One day in October, my amazing husband encouraged me to go for a walk. It was such a beautiful day, and I felt so thankful to be outside that the joy overwhelmed the fear. That was the turning point. After that, I kept doing more and more, always staying within what felt safe. Some people get better by forcing themselves to push through. I'm not that kind of person. I need to feel safe and supported first.
I should also mention that I was taking Gabapentin, which didn't really help, but I later added a small dose of Clomipramine (around 12 milligrams), which I still take. I'm not sure if it helps, but I'm not going to risk stopping now. I also took Ambroxol for a while.
Learning about this nervous system work changed my entire life. I'm not the anxious person I used to be. I'm a calmer partner and a better parent. I feel grateful every single day. I'm better at setting boundaries, better at saying no, and I don't automatically assume everyone's mad at me anymore, though I still catch myself doing that sometimes.
I still get symptoms, but I don't panic. If something's bothering me, I write it down on a "worry list" and save it for later. Most of the time, I forget about it before I even go back.
I'm back with my family. I've flown on a trip with my husband, gone to an amusement park with my daughter, returned to work, gone to birthday parties, and taken the baby to sensory classes. I don't go to bars, clubs, or concerts anymore. I'm nearly 40 with two small kids, so that's just not part of my life now. I also don't use headphones or go out to eat late anymore.
That's everything. I always promised myself that if I got better, I'd share my story. I hope this helps someone else.
