How to Be with Someone Having Tinnitus?

Dear All,

I had some quite short relationships since having my tinnitus and hyperacusis...

Everytime at the beginning women seem ok with this problem and apparently don't know what it really means as complications in the "everyday life"...

But quite fast after even not a few months, they see how limited my life is and that almost everything begins to be complicated because of noise everywhere !

So my question is: How do you manage a life with someone who wants to go out, to watch movies quite loud at the theater of at home, go to concerts or music festivals or even "less" loud events, etc...?

Because to me it seems more realistic to live on my own... But at the age of 31 it's a fucking long way!

 

Hi @Christophe_85. It is difficult. Tinnitus is hard enough, but from that I know, hyperacusis is very difficult (I can only imagine as I do not suffer from that).

We either need to start a dating website/app for tinnitus and hyperacusis sufferers (talk about a niche dating site/app) or be patient. I would think that any truly good person, anyone who cares enough about you, will be able to accommodate your needs. The trick comes in finding someone. As odd as this sounds, until there is a TandHDating app, have you sought out support groups in your area? You may be able to find either single fellow suffers (who will understand) or they may have friends who understand who may be compatible.

Also, would you be thinking of giving up on dating if you had a peanut or shellfish allergy (which in many cases lead to anaphylactic shock and potentially death)? People with those issues find love and have relationships. T and H are no different, just less common and a little harder to understand, but you want someone intelligent and caring don't you?

If there is no such group, there are kind people out there who will understand. Don't give up hope. Having someone who cares about you in your life is vey important, and everyone deserves that type of happiness.

Don't give up. You will find someone.

 

I'm middle age with 3 children like I tell them find someone like you not every girl likes to go to loud events my husband and I are quite people there are other places to go on drives end up in different spots, hikes, go shopping, flea markets, as long as you go out and do something together.

 

You can't give up just because you've met the wrong women. There are people out there who are not crazy about festivals, concerts and movie theatres.

Some dating sites make you answer a bunch of questions about yourself and look for users with similar personality traits. I'm pretty sure activity levels, partying, etc are common questions. Datings sites are probably different from country to country but choosing a site like that might make it a little bit easier to find someone more compatible. Someone who's not that into going out either.

You can also find other less noisy activities that you can do together. I've had long lasting relationships, none who ended because of my T or H. I would never go to concerts/festivals or movie theatres. Instead we did other less noisy activities together such as playing pool, hiking, ice-skating or skiing and so on. It never felt like we didn't go out enough.

Keep trying, it's too early to give up.

 

I met my wife AFTER developing Tinnitus.

I go to the movies, wear earplugs on Action films. We've been to some parties with live music. She knows I have to take care of my hearing, but it's not limiting. I juts put some earplugs and when I'm in a crowded place I look for a quieter area.

Unless you're looking for the perfect human being (good luck on that), everyone you meet will have some issues. Maybe it's you that are seeing Tinnitus as a limit.

Best,
Zug

 

There are plenty of girls who are introverts and they can live without going to loud events .
I know life becomes limiting when you are very young like you and get T . what if you date girls and take her to places there are not loud ..restaurants , some bars are not loud ..mall ..bowling place etc .

 

Thank you for your answer...

The thing is that I am also limitated to do sport and physical activities because I have troubles with my knees since I am 16... So this is the cumulation of my troubles that make my life quite complicated !

Regarding the women I met, even those who are more quiet want to do activities quite loud sometimes, and at my age, 31 years old, people usually want to enjoy life and it means doing loud activities...

For the Dating sites, the ratio between men and women is very different, much more men than women... So if I go and already begin with bad points I think this is useless...

Sorry for my answer being quite negative but this is how I am living my life...

 

Hello !

I think I would like to meet someone having T as well... So that it could be much easier in many ways...

But especially in Switzerland we don't have this kind of sites, it is a small country...

 

Hello Zug,

Good story !

It is good that you can go to the movies, to me it would be too loud, even with earplugs...

And everytime I go out in a bar, I am worried that my T and H will get stronger, even if I was protected...

I don't know if it is too loud, if the alcool makes sound more acceptable, etc...

 

@Christophe_85, dude, we've all been there. When Tinnitus hit me, I dreaded going to the mall because the Ambient music, which I never noticed before, would seem like too much to me. I got molded earplugs with 25 Db attenuation. You can still hear people but they'll protect you just fine.

Believe me, we all want to believe that in our case we're hopeless, but we've all dealt with the same s#it.

At first I was a little terrified about going to restaurants, etc. I would call before and ask for a quiet table on the corner. It's scary but worthy.

Best,
Zug

 

But when you go to the movies, the sound is ok for you ?

For me, even watching TV is too loud...

 

Do you have Hyperacusis? It's a treatable condition. At the beginning everything will feel like too much, but as you expose yourself to normal sounds, you'll notice you're ok. The way to go is to expose yourself one step at a time.

I used to wear plugs all the time during movies, and yeah, everything would bother me. Nowadays I'll wear plugs on Action movies (And I'll take them out when the action scenes calm down to have some popcorn), but if it's more story oriented I'm fine without them. My doctor used to say that it's healthy to expose yourself to normal sounds, even if it doesn't seem at the time.

Maybe you could find a professional to help you with that.

About dating: I joined Tinder, set up to meet on places I knew didn't have live music and weren't too loud, and would always ask for a quiet table. It was certainly worthy.

 

Embrace life without compromises.

 

Yes I have Hyperacousis...

Here in Switzerland they dont seem to know how to treat this trouble... I think it is much more developped in the US and other countries...

About dating, since I have T and H I had 2 short relationships and it was quite complicated for me...

 

I understand but to me life is quite complicated...

And tomorrow I go back to work and I don't know how I will cope with everything...

 

Having to adjust what you do or don't do in accordance with the preferences of another person would make it even more complicated.

I hope that things will eventually begin to get better for you.

 

From your side, do you share your life with someone ?

 

I don't.

I have to admit that this is easy for me as I am an introvert. Extroverts need to do something (i.e., socialize) to be happy. I am happy unless I have to socialize.

I love being truly free and not having to compromise.

 

You were always like this ?

Funny thing, I need more people now than before my T and H came...

I feel stuck, especially if I want a serious relationship...

 

During my teens I had been a victim of peer pressure. Eventually I realized that I am not enjoying socializing.

Around the time when I turned 40, I realized how ridiculous the whole setup is. I wouldn't want to be with a transsexual (a man who had a surgery and started taking hormones to look like a woman). But what is the difference between a transsexual and someone who was born female? I believe the answer is the time when they began being exposed to female hormones - one got them in the womb, and the other got them later on in life. I don't think it is such a big difference. I am not gay, so I wouldn't enjoy being with a transsexual, and that also means that I wouldn't enjoy being with another human who was born female (i.e., who is a man who had started receiving hormones a little earlier than that transsexual).

This habit of jacking yourself off with a female body is absolutely insane! It is so random, too. There are so many things you can use, why focus so much on a female body [that can ruin your physical health (i.e., venereal disease), as well as your financial health (i.e., alimony)]?

 

You forgot about chromosomes. It's not just horomone timing that determines sex at birth.

And not every woman carries venereal diseases nor divorces their spouse for alimony. That is a rather misogynist suggestion.

 

I am aware of chromosomes. I think that DNA is DNA. What matters are the instructions encoded in it, and not its shape (i.e., X or Y shape). Female DNA has instructions telling the body to produce female hormones. Now we are back to square one of the argument.

Above, I used the word "can". I didn't use the word "will". Should I have used the word "might"?

What I was trying to say is - if one can avoid risk, why not avoid it?

 

p.s. when I wrote "alimony", I was including all of the expenses (in terms of time, money, etc) that one would face if one were to become a parent.

 

My issue was not with the assumption that it can happen but rather the suggestion that these things can happen due to women alone. Men can do the exact same things, but you specifically listed women rather than spouse/partner/significant other.

Because we can both evaluate our indivdual risks and compare risk/reward.

Alimony is a divorce term and can be in terms of spousal support and/or child support. It's not just money and time spent as a parent, it's money spent to ensure a child is taken care of following a divorce. My spouse and I certainly never refer to spending time with our kids as alimony.

 

You are right.

I am a man talking to another man. He asked me whether I had always preferred solitude, and I explained what I have been thinking (talking from my perspective).

Of course, I never mentioned any of the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) ideas. I came up with pretty much the same set of ideas on my own, long before I heard about the MGTOW movement. The legal climate these days heavily favors women. As a result, it is unsafe (and unwise) for a man to have a relationship with a woman. Better be safe than sorry!

I was saying that, for me, the benefits could be obtained in other ways that don't include those overwhelming costs/risks.

If I were to father a child, I would be unable to be around him or her. I can't imagine anything more profoundly uninteresting. I would be Yearning for freedom from the child. Praying non-stop for something to happen for me to get my freedom and to stop being punished for my past mistakes (of taking a risk of impregnating the child's mom). So realistically, for me, fathering a child would just mean paying alimony for 18 years (the equivalent of chewing my limb off to escape from a trap).

 

If you Really want a serious relationship, I think you can get one. You could date a woman in a wheelchair, a burn victim, etc. Find someone compatible, who will want to overlook your problems because she has a set of her own problems she hopes you would overlook.

https://www.dating4disabled.com/

 

When I met the women I used to date, at the beginning they were comprehensive... Then things got more complicated when they saw all the things I cannot really do...

It would be much easier if I just don't care about relationships and try to live my life as best as I can...

 

I cannot be with someone "normal" and have a normal life...

Too handicaped with my ears...

Even the small things in a couple are almost impossible...

 

It is possible. I have a friend here who has tinnitus and hyperacusis and is in a stable relationship with someone. They have found a way to make it work.

Yes, it will be more difficult for you than before you had this issue, but it is not impossible. There are a number of people here who have this problem who manage to find and maintain loving relationships.

Don't give up. Everyone can find happiness, everyone can find a relationship. It may take some effort, but there are women out there for you who will accept you with the limitations caused by this.

 

Thank you for your message !

Actually I had 2 small relationships since I have T and H and at the beginning (1st month) they try to be cooperative and not too loud. They asked me if the TV was not too loud and if the different places where we went out were ok for me...

But quite fast after this very short period, it is like they lost their patience... And always told me that they didn't hear enough the sound of the TV, or wanted to go in loud places like concerts, loud bars, night clubs and so on...

At my age (31 years old), women want to have fun and party ! Which I totally understand !

Even those who are more quiet like per example going to the Movies, which I cannot do anymore...

Honestly I really don't know how it can be possible without frustration from a woman !

Sorry for my negativity but it seems to be helpless...