Low Frequencies Decimated

Well, I just had a breakdown today. I had forgotten a song in my head that was very dear to me. I cannot easily listen to music anymore so I know that it is gone. I just started crying and breathing fast for a few seconds.

All the damned pressure and muscle tension resulting from the spasms then killed my low frequencies...all of them. The airplane outside is barely there anymore. My parents sound like ghosts. Most things on the low end are gone. I now live in a dead world and lost everything I have been working to save. All dead just as I knew would happen when I was only a 5 year old kid.
And it's all my fault.

 

none of this is your fault, im sorry i dont wanna sound like i wanna
contradict you.
and i know i wont fully understand you!! the only thing i have to offer is my attention, and support.
we are here for you, just know that this isnt your fault.
and you dont deserve any of this, you are beautiful soul and a talented person.
and i know this is bumpy (very fucking bumpy) ride our journey, please remain strong and lets hope for something better.

i have heard of people recovering part of their hearing, lets hope those frecuencys come back, you are on my prayers.

 

CH,
Why do you believe any of this is your fault? I know you want to hold onto your hearing desperately. But many lead wonderful lives without the sense of hearing. Can you tell us what level of function you have daily? Are you out and about? Do you engage in any activities you enjoy where you can move beyond your personal torment if not temporarily?
A friend of the family many years ago lost her sight due to genetic disease. She was so beautiful, nobody could believe anything like this could happen to such a girl. Her sister had perfect sight her whole life. The lady who went blind in her 20's went on to marry and have kids and a very full life...arguable fuller than most. I believe coming to terms with what happens to us along the path of life which by no coincidence is a four letter word ...is each of our biggest challenge.
In spite of my personal challenges for example...and I have far from perfect eyesight, I would never trade places with her.
None of us have answers to your condition and only hope you seek the best medical attention to give you answers so you can find some peace.

 

@stophiss

I believe it is my fault because I can control the triggers over half of the time with enough self-discipline. This time I just fell apart knowing how devastating it could be when my memory of music dies too, but I could have stopped myself from crying and tensing up; then again, doing so never had such devastating effects befire. I had gained some control over the past.

I really wish it was possible to without well without hearing, and for neurotypical people it surely is something they are able to get past more easily. I think I explained before that I have sensory integration problems, and can experience some level of 'sight blindness' when my hearing and/or vestibular system are not functioning as they should; I also seem to only be able to 'read' light and visual patterns effectively with mental sound cues (from music, rhythm that I pick up with my ears, or environmental noises).
I also have some manifestation of asberger's, which dramatically complicates things because my brain function (including my psychiatric health) is tied intrinsically to my sensory function more than others. Throw in the routines and rituals one has to adhere to with this 'condition', (most of mine involve listening to music in some way or another)
I think going completely blind would cause the same problems in my ability to understand hearing, but I don't know.

So no, it would not be as easy an adjustment as it is for the majority of people, and it may not be a possible adjustment at all without severe dysfunction for the rest of my life. You look at how sensory overload or underestimation plagues other people who live lives on the autism spectrum. I now feel living in agony and unable to comprehend my world at all is my future, and that's not a way to live.

 

You are bright and so I will make an intellectual appeal to you. Explaining you are autistic says a lot and now your posts make more sense. Yes, autistic people struggle when they lose control...including ability to perform rituals etc.
My appeal to you is as follows and no doubt you will understand. Virtually none of us have any free will. I hope you understand this. Each of us are ruled by our neural wiring, brain chemistry and how it interacts with the environment. So allow me to disagree with you about your so called choice or will to control your triggers through self discipline. To posit an ironic metaphor, as follows. Most of us hate their tinnitus. I have never met anybody who liked tinnitus. I have thought about possessing a mind so powerful, I could will myself...I could decide that my tinnitus will stop. I will shut it off and resume the life of quiet I had for decades previously. I have tried to will this. Make my tinnitus stop and desist and go away to never return. I cannot will it. My tinnitus remains. My conscious mind isn't strong enough to vanquish this condition. You say you win your battle to will a certain behavior some of the time and half of the time you lose this battle. You erroneously blame yourself. You see, it isn't your will power letting you down...just like my will power isn't letting me down I can't turn off my tinnitus. It is the way your and my brain is hardwired which precludes your ability to choose what you believe is the best path. This doesn't just apply to you. It applies to everybody. Everybody is afraid of something...whether its public speaking or getting on an airplane or elevator or climbing onto the roof of their house. They can will themselves all they want and many can't overcome these phobias. So free will and self deliberation is a myth even in the presence of desire.

So, you need to accept yourself and love yourself for being unique. You are smarter than likely most as many high functioning with Asperger's are. Your Asperger's...the way your brain is hard wired with neural pathways reinforced with repetitive behavioral patterns makes coping with your medical issues more difficult. You struggle with the loss of control and to have something like tinnitus or losing your hearing not destroy your life whereby the only path to mental health is really an acceptance of self which calms the mind. Loving yourself for the way you are. I believe listening to your posts you need therapy and a deeper level of understanding and counseling to guide you with your physical challenges.

But please, it is NOT your fault. We are all limited based upon our genetics which largely preordains how we interact with the environment. Btw, a lot of doctors...you likely know...are high functioning autistics with Asperger's.