Puns and Quotes

[Karl]

Several puns/quotes:
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Evening news is where the newscaster begins with 'Good Evening,' and then proceeds to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency please notify:' ..........I put in 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said that I was blaming you.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
27. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
28. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

[DezDog]

Appreciated reading these, favourites are 1, 2, 4, 13 and 19. Made me smile. Cheers!

 

[mock turtle]

during a commercial break while watching "who wants to be a millionaire" i turned to my wife and asked, "would you like to have sex"..she said no

to which i responded, "can i phone a friend?"

yes i spent the night on the sofa

 

[Karl]

More Puns (and Groans):
Puns:

1. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

2. When chemists die, they barium.

3. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

4. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

5. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

6. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

7. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

8. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

9. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

10. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

11. PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

12. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

13. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

14. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

15. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

16. When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

17. Broken pencils are pointless.

18. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

19. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

20. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

21. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

22. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

23. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

24. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

25. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

 

[dianerose]

Great quotes!!!!! Thanks,

 

[Karl]

Puns for Educated Minds​

​

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.​

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .​

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.​

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.​

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.​

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited forlittering.​

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.​

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.​

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.​

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.​

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.​

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'​

 

[Karl]

"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."

How many times I have had to remind me of this most important quote of all? I think of this one, time and time again, stopping myself from answering emails from an idiot I know (who I am related to).

Everyone needs to use discretion answering idiots. If you answer them, it becomes a pissing contest, arguing about stupidity.

 

[Sven]

There's a phone number to call in Sweden if you have questions about hearing loss and tinnitus. I called after phone hours and got the machine. It said: "Leave a message after the beep". I still haven't left a message.

 

[Karl]

Sven -
Very clever!

 

[Hudson]

1.Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. The Soviet Union was slow to recover after WW2. They kept Stalin around.

3. I used to have a fear of hurdles but then I got over it.