Rant Time for Me Because I Deserve It (Perhaps It's Best for Newbies to Stay Away from This Thread)

Here we go again. For the fifth time in the almost five years I've had tinnitus. Another permanent increase.
I'm not going to explain the how or why but just now it was from someone being irresponsible around me and making loud noise when I was not expecting it.

...

I am soooooooo tired of this. So tired of tinnitus, and life, and life with tinnitus. I'm tired of being told I'm too disabled to have a regular job and life and then being subsequently told that I'm not disabled enough for assistance. I'm tired of living half a life because doing anything for an hour outside of my house is exhausting. Noise is exhausting.

The worse part of it is, I still remember what it was like to be semi-normal! I still remember how it felt to just go and do things without worrying about this. I remember what it was like to sing in choir and be happy and have that euphoric high of finishing a well done concert. I remember how it felt to listen to my favorite songs on repeat and sing in the car. I remember what it was like to go to amusement parks and ride on rollercoasters. I remember what it was like to go to shows and musicals. I remember how it felt to go to sleep at night to a dark, silent room. I still remember everything about being normal!

I'm still a success story because I'M STILL HERE AREN'T I? I haven't taken my own life even though I very much wish I could over half the time. I'm here because I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of the what if that comes afterwards. I'm afraid of not being conscious anymore.

But I'M SO ANGRY! I'm so fed up! I'm so tired of crying and being disabled. I'm sick and tired of everyone who doesn't have tinnitus not giving a single ****!! If I died tomorrow, people would be sad for maybe a week but then they'd go on with their lives and be happy again because they have a life and a family and a future ahead of them. I have nothing but a mother who doesn't know how to love in a healthy manner, and this forum.

God, I miss Danny. I miss him so so so much. He didn't deserve to go. But with him gone it's hard to find reasons to stay. It's hard to cry and continue on doing my part to benefit tinnitus sufferers. It's so hard to do all these things while miserable. I have to keep fighting and doing my part because without the hope that it will make a difference I have absolutely nothing. I need to believe something is on the way soon or I'll fall and I won't ever get up again. I'm crying and shaking as I type this and I can barely see the words on the screen.

(If you made it this far, thanks for listening to me rant. I'm so thankful that I have you guys here for me.)

 

I feel the same way. So pissed with life in general. I’m thinking about just starting to go camping just to get some kind of relief. My tinnitus sucks all the time but it feels more manageable by a pool or a spring. I want to move to the middle of no where for like a decade and then try this whole life thing again. All of this is rough on the heart and the soul. I want to die often too but I can’t just kill myself. I plan on finding a place to stay in the wilderness or some random old RV or van. Not forever or even a decade. Just until my head is on right again.

 

@derpytia Hello to my up the hill neighbor. I'm sorry for you, Katri, all the others and myself for our misery. I have been having a terrible spike on top of severe tinnitus and just wish that I could take a silent trip to Tahoe. If I was able to move freely I would come visit you. You're such a special person and we should talk more.

 

Hey, I am so sorry to hear this happening to you. I have had severe depressive episodes since I was a teen but tinnitus greatly increased the length of them and even when I was not severely depressed I was bothered by it. This past year has been the first in about 6 years where I have had consistent long periods of time when tinnitus did not bother me.

I have read a few people on here say they have very loud tinnitus yet they don't care about it and they go "tune it out" very easily and think about other things. This is almost impossible for me to do if I don't treat my depressive state. What I have been doing lately is taking a medication called Lamictal, flaxseed oil, and an occasional lithium orotate tablet. This so far has really helped me to push the tinnitus out of the forefront of my mind since it doesn't bother me because of the emotional boost. I can also go for longer periods without noticing it. It's kind of like your shirt when you wear it. You usually don't notice the way it feels on you unless you think about it.

In the future tinnitus may bother me again but so far so good. These supplements and medication have been somewhat of a "safety net" comfort for me. Perhaps there is something that could help you with your emotions and then go from there. I also recommend a hearing aid even if you only have very mild hearing loss. It can make a tremendous difference as it does for me. Plus there some now that stream bluetooth music from a smartphone, while still amplifying ambient noise (if you choose to have it programmed that way). I recommend a hearing aid with built in maskers as well.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

I agree this is rough.

 

Can you consider taking nicotinamide riboside to prevent further hearing damage?

 

@derpytia
I am glad to see your post again.
You are constantly in my mind ... a young music lover.
I hope that you can cheer up and move on your life.

In Christian religion, the early years after Jesus, all Christians are under tremendous persecutions.
At first, the Jews and then the Roman soldiers, some of them are forced to fight against beasts in large arenas.
But, still, they live with hope of being with Jesus the Resurrection from heaven.
They endure and persevere and move on their lives in hardship.
After two hundred years later, Christianity becomes the official religion by Roman emperor - Constantine.

I know that a lot tinnitus people among us suffer a lot. But, let us think something positive out of negative situations and move on our lives with hope.

Please hang in there. God bless you !

 

In the early years persecutions were actually very sporadic and not universal. The tremendous persecutions actually occurred under Diocletian starting in 303 AD. Nonetheless they endured. Some actually publicly renounced their faith to stay alive.

 

Hi all, I've suffered severe depression for over 20 years and I find my Tinnitus and Hyperacusis/Earache/Neck pain etc gives me something else to focus on, crazy as it sounds.

Love to you all, and I think this site is great.

Thanks for your advice Jason, I shall certainly look into flaxseed oil, I have recently halved my antidepressant dose and am feeling much better for it and in a better place. I shall also look into the hearing aids especially with winter coming which worsens my ears.