Your Childhood Stories

[Elmer B Fuddled]

This little thread is for everyone to write in. Share some of your childhood memories. Add a picture of yourself from when you were young and innocent. Have fun.

Uncle Earl's Farm

When we were young, our summer trip was to Oregon, to visit my moms sister and her husband Earl.

Now Earl was a big big man, Swede, and he ran a dairy farm, milked his 40 head of cows by hand. An eccentric old fart, stuck in his ways.

So here we are on uncle Earl's farm, all clean and shiny.

The next morning after arriving, my brother and myself were ready to explore the farm. Earl was out milking. "Can we milk the cows too, uncle Earl?"

"No." Gee that was a quick no.

"Can we play in the hay?"

"No." Not much fun in here.

"When you're done can I drive your tractor, it's really neat its front wheels are close together."

"No, you can't drive the tractor, you don't know how and it can tip over."

"Is there anything we can do on your farm, how about we go and feed your turkeys?"

"Damn you kids go and play somewhere and stop pestering me."

"Where's your kids, we asked. We knew he had 2 boys but they were nowhere to be seen. We later learned they were grown and gone. Well we could see why, cranky old fart.

"How about we go look at all those turkeys, they're in a shed, must be a hundred of them. We're getting tired of nothing to do on this farm."

"Ok, that's it you 2 little shiteheads are driving me mad, soon as I'm done with these cows you 2 can help clean the barn." I think he meant shovel cow poop. So we did, only in hope's of getting in the Turkey pen but maybe get to drive that neat tractor.

"Yer done now are you?" " Come on I want you to know why you can't play with the turkeys, pestering little shits."

So off we go and are we excited to see them turkeys. Earl stopped at another shed, went in came back with a shiny lid from an old jar.

"See this lid, I'm gonna show you why YOU can not play with the turkeys, this lid is like your eyes they are shiny also."

So he opened the gate to the pen, flashed the shiny lid at a bird, and the damn thing went crazy pecking at it.

"Now do you see why you can't play in here, they will peck your eyes out."

Holy crap, we ran to the house scared stiff. "Can we go home now this farm scares us."

 

[Jazzer]

This little thread is for everyone to write in. Share some of your childhood memories. Add a picture of yourself from when you were young and innocent. Have fun.

Uncle Earl's Farm

When we were young, our summer trip was to Oregon, to visit my moms sister and her husband Earl.

Now Earl was a big big man, Swede, and he ran a dairy farm, milked his 40 head of cows by hand. An eccentric old fart, stuck in his ways.

So here we are on uncle Earl's farm, all clean and shiny.

The next morning after arriving, my brother and myself were ready to explore the farm. Earl was out milking. "Can we milk the cows too, uncle Earl?"

"No." Gee that was a quick no.

"Can we play in the hay?"

"No." Not much fun in here.

"When you're done can I drive your tractor, it's really neat its front wheels are close together."

"No, you can't drive the tractor, you don't know how and it can tip over."

"Is there anything we can do on your farm, how about we go and feed your turkeys?"

"Damn you kids go and play somewhere and stop pestering me."

"Where's your kids, we asked. We knew he had 2 boys but they were nowhere to be seen. We later learned they were grown and gone. Well we could see why, cranky old fart.

"How about we go look at all those turkeys, they're in a shed, must be a hundred of them. We're getting tired of nothing to do on this farm."

"Ok, that's it you 2 little shiteheads are driving me mad, soon as I'm done with these cows you 2 can help clean the barn." I think he meant shovel cow poop. So we did, only in hope's of getting in the Turkey pen but maybe get to drive that neat tractor.

"Yer done now are you?" " Come on I want you to know why you can't play with the turkeys, pestering little shits."

So off we go and are we excited to see them turkeys. Earl stopped at another shed, went in came back with a shiny lid from an old jar.

"See this lid, I'm gonna show you why YOU can not play with the turkeys, this lid is like your eyes they are shiny also."

So he opened the gate to the pen, flashed the shiny lid at a bird, and the damn thing went crazy pecking at it.

"Now do you see why you can't play in here, they will peck your eyes out."

Holy crap, we ran to the house scared stiff. "Can we go home now this farm scares us."

Great story Elmer - I was with it all the way.
I must see what I can dredge up from the mists of time.

 

[Elmer B Fuddled]

Tom's Airplane

Tom had a serious fascination to airplanes, to the point of driving his mother, his father, and his nine brothers and sisters mad. He bought models and built them then tried to make them fly, which ended up crashing and breaking. Balsa planes and again crashing and destroying the little wooden planes.

One day while the ten of them were playing some girly game, Tom bored of games invented by his sisters, sat and thought about building his own airplane, not some little model but one he could fly. Two days passed with deep thinking he figured out how to assemble his plane. Gathering his three brothers he told of his idea. "Are ya crazy, you can't build a plane that will fly," his brother said.

"I can and I will with your help." So Tom told them, "go find all the timber you can, any scrap pieces you can." So off they went returning with all sorts of wood, even branches from trees. They started sawing and hammering and every so often measured something. Tom had his frame work built, a bit weak looking and frightening. The next day he sent the brothers in search of a tires inner tube and he asked his sisters to find old sheets, "go ask the lady what owns the laundry shop if she may have old sheets." Off the sisters went, "I think Tom's lost his brain," and the others agreed. Tom built the propeller and attached it to the plane, then anchored a bent nail in the tail. Brothers spent all day looking for a tube, finally finding one on the other side of town. That afternoon they nailed on the sheets, stretching them tight. Tom hooked up the inner tube to the propeller and wound it up and it spun perfectly. Excited they stared at Tom's creation.

"How ya gonna get it off the ground Tom we ain't got a runway round here."
"I got it figured out, we pack it up on the roof of the old Brewery building and fly it off the roof with me driving it." Well the Brewery roof was 25 feet off the ground. So they packed it up the stairs to the roof. Then went home for dinner. Tom said he'd fly it in the morning. Next morning at breakfast they were all excited and hardly ate. After cleaning up they set off to the roof, Tom had his flying glasses and his big scarf, all proud and a big man. "Ok, I made a release for the propeller when we wind er up the release will hold the propeller." They wound it tight and Tom said, "push it close to the edge and when I tell to give er a big shove you guys shove."
"ok, we will, count to three Tom and we will shove ya."

Tom counts to three, "SHOVE HER" and they did, Tom pulled the propeller release and the plane flew, about three feet the propeller stopped spinning, the plane fell nose down 25 feet. They all ran down to check if Tom was dead. "Tom, Tom are ya ok are ya hurt bad?"
No reply. Finally Tom looked up his nose bleeding his eyes turning black.
"Ummm, back to the drawing board."

My mother's brother.

 

[sssing]

Elmer, you're a real good story teller honestly, I can't say a story without people falling asleep​

 

[Elmer B Fuddled]

Elmer, you're a real good story teller honestly, I can't say a story without people falling asleep​

Thank you, I have around 30 short stories in humour the Christmas story of my dad is probably one of the funniest.

 

[Elmer B Fuddled]

Uncle Bob's barn and the city

Uncle Bob raised chickens, for eggs and meat. His father before him raised chickens, known as the chicken rancher, he was, and that was passed onto Bob, "chicken rancher."

In the 100 year old barn the old feed bins held grain for the chickens, and through the years had worn thin. Now in the barn there lived 3 mice, all fat and healthy from all that feed. But as the mice seemed to be in a every day rut boredom set in.

The 3 mice, now they had peculiar names, and how they came upon these names is anyone's guess. The first mouse his name was phoot, the second mouse his name was phoot phoot, and the third mouse was called phootphootphoot. Now those were sure strange names for mice.
Now to the story of the mice. One morning they were in the feed bin munching away when Phoot looked around and said to Phoot Phoot and Phootphootphoot, "I'm really tired of eating grain and the same old boring days, why don't we go to the city and have a look?"

"Are you crazy, Phoot?" said Phoot Phoot, and Phootphootphoot replied, "we ain't going to the city Phoot," and with that they all fell asleep, bellies full. Phoot was determined to get Phoot phoot and Phootphootphoot to venture in to the city. After a week of pestering Phoot Phoot and Phootphootphoot, they finally gave in. So early they were up had some grain and headed for the city. Around afternoon, hunger started to gnaw on them. Then a short while later Phoot came across a piece of lettuce lying along the road. "Look at that is that lettuce," Phoot asked. " sure looks like lettuce and I'm hungry."
Phoot Phoot looked at Phootphootphoot then at Phoot and said," dont eat that Phoot it could kill you."
But Phoot was to hungry and he ate the lettuce, 5 minutes later he dropped over dead. Phoot Phoot and Phootphootphoot ran back to the barn afraid and feeling sad and alone. A week later, Phoot Phoot was thinking about the city and maybe how nice it could be. So one morning while eating their bellies full of grain he said to Phootphootphoot, "let's go to the city and have a look." " you must be crazy Phoot Phoot," said Phootphootphoot. But 2 days later they decided to venture to the city.

Along the way Phoot Phoot came across another piece of lettuce, "look, Phootphootphoot, said Phoot Phoot, lettuce, I am hungry I'm eating it."

Phootphootphoot said, "don't eat that lettuce Phoot Phoot remember what happened to Phoot, or have you forgotten?"

Phoot Phoot just stopped and contemplated the lettuce. Phootphootphoot said to Phoot Phoot, "best you leave that lettuce alone and remember we already have 1 Phoot in the grave!"

 

[Elmer B Fuddled]

Ok @Jazzer this ones to make you smile.

Christmas in the Idaho wilds

Dad bought land in the mountains and built a house there for the family, mom, and my younger brother. He worked every weekend and on days when he worked night shift in the silver mines.

When the home was finished we moved. The outdoors became our playground.

Fishing, and just being boys.

The first year we had no electricity and the fridge was chilled with ice. There was gas to fire up the cooker, and oil lamps for light. Then the second or third year we got electricity. And here's where the real fun began.

One morning mom and dad were having coffee and discussing a new fridge. 'I think we should go to town and have a look at fridges, it's time to enter the electric world,' mom declared.

'Well I think then Gambles store is the place to look, old Gene he will and he knows the best to buy' dad said. So in the old pickup they go, off to town for a fridge. Great now I can beat my brother up for no reason, other than he's a little creep. So I did. 'I'm telling mom' he cries.

'Go ahead I will just beat ya up some more, maybe hold your head under water, ya cry baby.' Eventually the folks came home with a shiny white new fridge. Dad got it out of the back of the pickup man handled it into the kitchen and plugged it in. Good god did it rumble and shake it was off balance I guess. Not to impressed with it, dad pulled the plug. And so it sat. He cussed it every time he walked by it. 'Useless expensive junk, coulda bought whiskey with all that money.'

Mom got it straight and plugged it in and it worked. Now Christmas was coming and seeing how we had electricity we went mad with gadgets. Mom wanted a mixer and one of them electric carving knives, big clumsy thing. So dad bought them for her. Well the mixer was nice, mom only got one finger stuck in the beaters blowing the fuse box. So on Christmas morning they prepared a turkey. After all was cooked and the table set dad got out the new electric carving knife. Plugged it in and went to carving, last we noticed was hunks of turkey flying across the kitchen and some sticking to the big window. 'Damn this thing is dangerous wants to just hack things up.' So it went to the local dump. That evening we opened more gadgets. Me and my creepy brother bought dad one of them electric shoe shiner things with big buffing wheels on it. He was always shining his shoes. So this would be the perfect gift we thought, that's what we thought. 'Come on dad shine yer shoes see how it works.' So he did, well sort of. Applied polish, turned it on and put the first and only shoe up to shine. About 10 seconds in the shoe took off taking out the 4x4 window in the kitchen. ' son of a bitch there goes the window go get that shoe, I'm gonna put this shoe up yer.'

'Easy now Harold wasn't the kids fault.' We ran to get the shoe. It was missing the upper over the toe. Boy was he mad. Another gadget goes to the dump. My creepy brother and I got a dumb game that plugged into a TV, why we had a TV has never been talked about. We got no reception out in the middle of nowhere. I gave the game a hiding spot, the dump.