GBB

So many days spent thinking about the promise of other days.

Recently nights have been really bad for me again and I’m not sure why. It’s definitely the severe level.

Adding herniated L5/S1 disc to my spice cabinet of life. Basically housebound. Variety is such a potent intoxicant!

The more well rested I am, the more centered, aware, and present, the *more* the T bothers me. Falling through tired days is easier.

Everything is more annoying with tinnitus including monitoring a GPU inventory bot net...

It's hard to forget what this has cost me, and try to readjust and progress on a new path, but that's what I need to do, if at all possible.

One of the only things that keeps me going is knowing the effect my death would have on those close to me. Silence is FILLED with sound.

I'm getting so tired. 8 months and I feel like I haven't even lived. I'm really desperate to have consistent happiness again.

@Lurius check out f.lux - it phases out the blue light on your monitor on a daily schedule as you approach sleep. https://justgetflux.com/

@Lurius for all of the people saying Lenire is the devil, there is also a large contingent saying it helps. Glad you are feeling relief.

8 months smoldering in the crucible of sensory night.

Last week was pretty good - last three days and today sucks.

Waxing and waning loud static today.

Basically any PC fan noise or air filter will set off my tinnitus with a tss tss tss noise and I'm almost 8 months in. Is this nerve damage?

Promoted at work and my boss thinks I'm doing a good job - I guess I'm really good at pretending to be functional.

@DaveFromChicago I believe they are trialing it at NYU or Columbia in NYC. I provided a comment to my previous post with a link.

@convolution, if you're absolutely certain its not mental, you should know they are trialing oxytocin as a T treatment, aka the love hormone

@kingsfan just to provide a data point, Xanax does lower my volume, but I've never tried other benzos. My cause is acoustic trauma.

Time to try a new round of hail mary plays - shrooms, PRP, Lenire, longer fasting, ketamine and others on my list. Hard to procure but YOLO.

I know absolute humility - there is no lower state than chronic suffering and seeing disgust/fear/revulsion on the faces of your family

I tried to talk to my mom because I'm spiking, and she said she can't always help me and went to bed. I'm so low my parents recoil...

Tinnitus today sounds like a hurricane wind is howling, shaking chain link fences in my head, and someone is using a vacuum nearby.

I have two different, mutually exclusive conditions. Tsss noise which is like a gap in hearing, unmaskable; tones which are maskable. Why?

Can we agree there is a dimension to T beyond volume, sort of like intensity? I've had loud but "dilute" T and quieter but "piercing" T.

Tough night tonight after a few good days. Trying to hang in there.

In case anyone wants a data point, my T started as a screech / eeee and is now much lower pitch 90% of the time. Somewhat less volume.

Habituation seems no closer and every day is really a genuine battle.

It’s been 6 months and I’m scared my mental health is still declining. I feel worn, like my body and my brain are damaged.

I want a full week without being a wraith. Good sleep, energy, contentedness, happily anticipating tomorrow - we are barred these things.

Benzo veterans, at what point do you start considering regular benzo use? I’m at 6 months and 5/7 days/week I still have no intrinsic joy.