Things have changed.
Not really my tinnitus, just reflecting on how I lived my life before and after the accident in my car on October 16. Many of my habits have changed a bit; I try to take better care of myself, drink less or no caffeine, have hardly used headphones in the last two months, haven't done any concerts or done much of any shooting. Are there some things I have learned to be, dare I say it, grateful for? Yes.
That said, I occasionally wander into another "success stories"/habituation thread and see how pumped up people with apparently crippling tinnitus are amazingly unfazed by the constant sound of a kettle whistling in their ears (their words, not mine). I start to wonder if it's really me; if all of my weirdness has come to mean that my tinnitus is not really louder than anyone else's, and that I'm handling the noise badly. Maybe it really is because I'm not normal that no one else in my life is bothered as greatly as I am.
Yet when I start to peel back these stories things start to fall apart. Very few of the people in my life have a constant tinnitus, or even one that is particularly bothersome. Neither do apparently most of these people on Plebbit who post amazing stories of their "courage" and then when pressed for details say that they can't hear their tinnitus until they sit in the bathroom and put in earplugs. My father shot his gun off in his car, attended thousands of concerts and was in Army reserve. My mother nearly got blown up a few times and was near exploding ordnance during her trials in her youth. One of my best friends nearly lost his life in a truck in Iraq when the vehicle he was riding in blew up. What do all of these people have in common? If you guessed, "fleeting, unobtrusive tinnitus that totaled up equals fifteen minutes of discomfort everyday" you guessed right.
Here I am at my tender young age, and if I'm not in Hell already I'm in some sort of off-brand purgatory. The entirety of my waking hours are spent with a constant ringing in both ears and a some sort of high pitched almost pulsatile screech on the left side of my head. It's loud; I get to enjoy it's company in all but the noisiest of environments and in all but the most involving times (just listen to music, they said! It's too bad my tinnitus is reactive and follows me into very loud places). I had to quit my job as a driver because the ringing didn't get any worse while driving, but because I could never take my mind off of the sound while driving around. Don't ask about my sleep, I've been woken up by it (and for reference I never awoke in the middle of the night prior to this) on several occasions and my ability to sleep deeply is almost gone. At least once now I've had to just drink myself to sleep.
I could spend paragraphs describing how it bothers me. None of my family really seem to think I'm actually going through anything difficult, because they have their five minutes of rumbling daily due to work stress they say I should shut up and take it. I guess seeing a young man known for being cold and not very emotional crying every few days or even daily all of a sudden isn't very impressive. I'm not sure how they expect me to keep chugging on with this; I'm not sure if it's more insane to say I've had strong moments of not wanting to press on because of this noise, or if it's more insane that they expect me to be cheerful all the time (read: not suicidal).
I don't think the doctors care. They apparently didn't bother to give me a proper hearing test, because there is certainly noise-induced loss and no medications were attempted nor hearing aids trialed or even offered; I was offered a $3000 pair of Widex noise makers and when I refused because all they did was play some nice tones and did not help at all with the noise the doctor stated she could not see me anymore.
None of my maskers seem to be working tonight and the alcohol isn't doing any good either.
Sorry for the negativity guys.
Not really my tinnitus, just reflecting on how I lived my life before and after the accident in my car on October 16. Many of my habits have changed a bit; I try to take better care of myself, drink less or no caffeine, have hardly used headphones in the last two months, haven't done any concerts or done much of any shooting. Are there some things I have learned to be, dare I say it, grateful for? Yes.
That said, I occasionally wander into another "success stories"/habituation thread and see how pumped up people with apparently crippling tinnitus are amazingly unfazed by the constant sound of a kettle whistling in their ears (their words, not mine). I start to wonder if it's really me; if all of my weirdness has come to mean that my tinnitus is not really louder than anyone else's, and that I'm handling the noise badly. Maybe it really is because I'm not normal that no one else in my life is bothered as greatly as I am.
Yet when I start to peel back these stories things start to fall apart. Very few of the people in my life have a constant tinnitus, or even one that is particularly bothersome. Neither do apparently most of these people on Plebbit who post amazing stories of their "courage" and then when pressed for details say that they can't hear their tinnitus until they sit in the bathroom and put in earplugs. My father shot his gun off in his car, attended thousands of concerts and was in Army reserve. My mother nearly got blown up a few times and was near exploding ordnance during her trials in her youth. One of my best friends nearly lost his life in a truck in Iraq when the vehicle he was riding in blew up. What do all of these people have in common? If you guessed, "fleeting, unobtrusive tinnitus that totaled up equals fifteen minutes of discomfort everyday" you guessed right.
Here I am at my tender young age, and if I'm not in Hell already I'm in some sort of off-brand purgatory. The entirety of my waking hours are spent with a constant ringing in both ears and a some sort of high pitched almost pulsatile screech on the left side of my head. It's loud; I get to enjoy it's company in all but the noisiest of environments and in all but the most involving times (just listen to music, they said! It's too bad my tinnitus is reactive and follows me into very loud places). I had to quit my job as a driver because the ringing didn't get any worse while driving, but because I could never take my mind off of the sound while driving around. Don't ask about my sleep, I've been woken up by it (and for reference I never awoke in the middle of the night prior to this) on several occasions and my ability to sleep deeply is almost gone. At least once now I've had to just drink myself to sleep.
I could spend paragraphs describing how it bothers me. None of my family really seem to think I'm actually going through anything difficult, because they have their five minutes of rumbling daily due to work stress they say I should shut up and take it. I guess seeing a young man known for being cold and not very emotional crying every few days or even daily all of a sudden isn't very impressive. I'm not sure how they expect me to keep chugging on with this; I'm not sure if it's more insane to say I've had strong moments of not wanting to press on because of this noise, or if it's more insane that they expect me to be cheerful all the time (read: not suicidal).
I don't think the doctors care. They apparently didn't bother to give me a proper hearing test, because there is certainly noise-induced loss and no medications were attempted nor hearing aids trialed or even offered; I was offered a $3000 pair of Widex noise makers and when I refused because all they did was play some nice tones and did not help at all with the noise the doctor stated she could not see me anymore.
None of my maskers seem to be working tonight and the alcohol isn't doing any good either.
Sorry for the negativity guys.
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