3 Months In and Depending on the Day, This Write Up Could Go Many Different Ways…

I feel I’m obligated to provide my 3 month anniversary update, as I’ve been known to scour this forum looking for anniversaries to measure myself against. Observation: it’s Friday! Whatever could be wrong on Friday… Reality: I’m an emotional roller-coaster. The ups and downs are absolutely taxing on my sanity and I have moments where I question if this life is worth it. Why live like this? Especially for 40 more years?! That’s a fleeting thought and decide that it has to get better at some point. Right?? I wear ear muffs on Metro and listen to a high pitch scream for 26 minutes that’s absolutely horrible, 5 times a week in the afternoon. For whatever reason the tinnitus plays nice in the mornings and I’m able to focus on distractions (newspaper) now, for the most part. I live in the most happening area of my city and I’m agitated by sounds that drew me to the area to begin with. And of course that shoots my anxiety, so as soon as I get home I have go to the bedroom and attempt to calm down. My new condo has the open concept with the kitchen and living room being one, which is very cool 99% of the time, but now with tinnitus I have nowhere to hide from the kitchen or oven fan. I can’t even be a proper hermit in my own home due to my anxiety around certain sounds. Vacuums aggravate me. Bathroom fan drives me nuts. Again, why live like this for another 40 years… BTW - I hate everyone that I see with headphones on in the Metro and I get angry and wish they could hear what I’m hearing for 26 minutes… Especially when they’re checking out the stylish Peltor muffs I’m wearing.

Over the past 3 months, a gradual change I noticed is, it’s not so much the noises in my left ear that bother me as much anymore, but it’s the constant dwelling on that I’ll never be the person I used to be. I’ve lost my self-worth in many respects and I’m grinding to get it back. But every morning I wake up worrying about upcoming events I have to attend for my wife, family, and friends, and my anxiety starts crushing me due to the fear of causing a permanent spike or some other bs my brain comes up with. Over and over again, like Groundhog Day. This happens every morning and I become horribly depressed until I get to work. My mood gets better as I have my coffee, start work, and subsequently lose focus on the tinnitus for a bit as I wrap my brain around projects. I’ve begun to put the tinnitus behind me at times, as long as I’m focused on something else. This started last weekend as I began reading the newspaper again and forgot about tinnitus for close to an hour. The tinnitus was still there, unfortunately, but it’s not right there, overwhelming my brain with sounds and anxiety. This did wonders for my wellbeing and I saw a small glimpse of the person I once was…. But another fleeting moment and then back to doom and gloom as the mind wonders back to tinnitus. I do get happy on occasions when I decide to think about the now and tomorrow. But whenever I think about the future I immediately get depressed.

I have to admit that I’m in better mental and physical shape overall since the onset of tinnitus. I’m generally a positive thinker overall at this point, but it’s such a grind... I’m in PT for my neck and jaw. I have my mouth orthotic for TMJD, I’m getting allergy shots… I’m tackling the possible causes for my tinnitus, but near the point where I just have deal with it and try to move on. I still take NAC, Theanine, Choline, Zinc Picolinate, Resveratrol, Turmeric extract, Monolaurin, Magnesium Glycinate, Ginkgo Biloba, Omega 3 fish oil, and ashwagandha. I’m on a gluten and dairy free diet, which makes drinking beer and eating pizza somewhat difficult. Mead is now my alcoholic beverage of choice.

A couple things coming up… My ENT says I need to get a septoplasty. Sounds fun. My primary dr wants a CT scan of the sinuses, as their constantly causing me grief. I also have higher than normal white blood cell count, per my physical 2 weeks ago. Maybe an infection? Maybe allergies causing this horrible situation? Who knows, but I plan to waste even more time and money on finding out… I’ve also found an upper cervical chiropractor in my area that I plan to visit next week. They specialize in the Atlas Orthogonal specialty.

Despite the negative start to this post, there’s some positivity in my world… Overall, I’m 3 months in and yes, I’m in a much better place emotionally than I was in late January. My world was literally about to end if tinnitus continued the way it was… But time has helped. Maybe even with all ‘stuff’ I’ve wasted my money on trying to find a quick cure has helped. The 2 constant tones are intrusive, especially in the afternoon, but I’m gradually able to move my focus around them. Taking this condition day-to-day is crucial for me to staying positive. Another observation is to stay distracted. Read the newspaper. Finish reading the pile of books I’ve collected over the years.

I hope this helps somebody or someone.

 

@housemzk

Thanks for this post. It is important to know that we are not alone in this and sharing our stories, in my opinion, helps others a great deal.

I was happy to read your last paragraph. You have some positivity in your world and you are in a much better place emotionally, two very important steps forward. Like you said, day to day....

~emmalee

 

Thank you for the post. I'm coming up on my 2 month anniversary and I feel kind of like you. I'm over the initial shock, I know I can live with this, I have moments I forget about it, but I don't know where life is headed.

 

I am 10 weeks in and could have wrote 90% of what you did. Stay strong I am sure trying....

 

We didn't pick this horrible condition, but we'll get through it together here on this board. That's the only choice I'll allow myself to believe.

Slightly off topic - Thought I was buying a more discreet ear muff for the daily Metro ride. They just arrived. There just SLIGHTLY larger than the Miami art deco Peltor muffs I've been wearing for 2 months. Thoughts?

 

I have the ones in black in my car for when I ride to and from work or long distance to my family's place. They look slightly larger than noise cancelling head phones.

A few more months in and you'll be doing well. You are headed in the right direction. I always forget to tell myself this, but I'll tell you: Be kind to yourself. No need to beat yourself up or worry about what could have been or what might happen. Only one road....and that's straight ahead. Bumps and bruises on the way. I can't dwell and wish I had the health my friends have. For all I know they have some other litany of issues and stresses I'd rather not deal with.
Everyone has a story. Be well!