Always Slightly Annoyed by Tinnitus, but Hanging in There — Youth Spent Using Headphones and Earbuds

[alwaysmasking]

Hello all,

Long-time lurker, first time poster. I've had this wonderful company in my head for almost 4 years now, since March 2020, when I was 28.

Don't know what the cause is and at this point I don't think I ever will know for sure. That's fine. If I had to play the probability game, I'd say it was a youth spent using headphones and earbuds resulting in some manner of hidden hearing loss. I'm no longer hung up about obsessively searching for the cause ... it's exhausting and I'm very unlikely to ever get to the bottom of it.

I won't bother trying to categorize my tinnitus, because it truly is a spectrum, but I can generally hear it over anything I'm watching on TV and when I'm outside, but not usually when I'm driving in my car. I say generally because it's very heavy on the fluctuations; I can have 2 weeks where I feel human, followed by 4 where I'm at my wit's end, or I can have one day be fine, two be bad, three be fine, with no rhyme or reason or triggers. I'm done pretending I have any real control over this disorder - I'm along for the ride, and the winds of fate will take me where they will.

As you can probably guess from my name, I love to mask. Masking is great. I do it whenever the noise gets too annoying, or when I just want a break. I think of it as holding up a contemptuous middle finger to the poorly-designed wiring inside my skull. I'm immensely thankful that masking is mostly effective for me, even if it is just replacing one annoyance with another. To those who can't mask, or can no longer mask, I'm sorry; you have a strength of will that is truly remarkable.

Like most of us, I'll be here in the background, compulsively checking the Susan Shore thread and the research subforum for the faintest promise of lasting relief.

Won't bore you with any more. Thanks for having me.

alwaysmasking

 

[AverageJoe12]

I appreciate you and your post. I think you have as good an attitude and perspective as one could have. Did you ever have hyperacusis with your tinnitus?

 

[alwaysmasking]

I appreciate you and your post. I think you have as good an attitude and perspective as one could have. Did you ever have hyperacusis with your tinnitus?

Thankfully not. It uh... doesn't sound fun, to say the least.

 

[alwaysmasking]

Tinnitus is back on its bullshit. A month-long spike in one ear, with near-constant fluctuations, emotional whiplash, major concentration issues, and constant stress. This is the first time in a year that I have had to put masking noises on while I sleep, and it is becoming a weekly occurrence. Just when I thought I was reaching some acceptable baseline, it pulls me back into a state of misery. And this is after a general improvement since 2023.

I was hopeful five and a half years ago when I first got this truly reprehensible malady. Surely, a treatment would be right around the corner. But we all think that early on, do we not? Alas, it is hard not to be extremely jaded, as I am sure the 10, 25, or even 50 year veterans can attest to. The wiring of our brains being faulty is, as one might expect, not an easy fix. This thing, this beautiful thing, this seat of consciousness that separates us from animals, sabotages itself as often as it strives to continue its existence. Funny, sad, maddening, reprehensible, cruel, beautiful, inspiring, all this and more. Thanks, human brain.

Whatever. There are always silver linings. I can mask it, though not as quietly or unobtrusively as before. I cannot really hear it while I am at work or outside the house. It is not crippling, just extremely annoying. But by golly, my brain continues to disappoint me time and time again. At 32, I cannot help but recoil at the thought of how bad it might be when I am 42, 55, 70, or, God forbid, 80.

Having a thoroughly unenjoyable and chronic condition, whether it is tinnitus, chronic pain, cancer, or something else, seems to either bring people very close to some idea of God or firmly into the camp that the universe is an uncaring place that can sometimes feel like a prison. I would call it cruel, but that would imply some kind of intent. It is not cruel, as if it does it on purpose. It is what it is, a mix of factors far beyond any human brain's ability to comprehend. That does not make it any better, of course.

Anyway, fuck you, brain, for breaking. Fuck you, existence, for granting me just enough sentience to be aware of how diminished my quality of life is. Fuck you, tinnitus, for being such a unique condition, being just rare enough that very few people bother to research it, and just common enough that everyone vaguely knows about it and readily downplays its possible impact on life.

Rant over. Fuck this gay Earth. If you do not hear back from me, you can assume I am managing alright. If I become a regular, on the other hand, then you will know I am not having a good time.