Another Perspective on Living with Tinnitus

Discussion in 'Support' started by kamil1364, Oct 7, 2020.

    1. kamil1364

      kamil1364 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Possibly noise-induced
      Hi, first of all I really want to thank you for accepting me in there.

      I wanted just to express some thougths I have lately had.

      My tinnitus is very very mild. I notice it only on very quiet rooms if I focus on it. I used earphones for the past two years - sometimes for few minutes a day and sometimes for a bit longer than an hour, usually around 70% percent of android volume. Once I used grass cutter (don't know proper English term for describing it, it was the one that you hold in your hands and attach to your waist) and I have put in my earphones and cranked it up to around 80%. I was doing work for two hours, and I believe it may be the main cause. I wasn't aware that tinnitus was a thing, would I do it if I were?

      Despite of my tinnitus being very mild, I really freaked out. Let's make it clear - it's disease (or whatever you call it) that there's no cure for, that severely limits your social life, that makes you unable to focus in quiet environments, that makes you to exist in constant fear of it getting worse.

      During the first month I was COMPLETELY wrecked. I can't describe it in words. Music was my main hobby, I play several instruments and I am in the couple of bands. I left them all, and I didn't even tell anyone why as I didn't want to get dismissed or to be called out of psychos (it's the sound in your head which no one else hear). I was at the edge of begging for death, and frankly I'd be way happier if tinnitus was a deadly disease. If it has taken away all enjoyment out of my life, why the hell can't it as well kill me?

      My dream right know is to be able to:
      1) Play my instruments without hearing protection

      2) To still play in bands I used to play in. Nobody in marching band I used to play in wears any sort of ear protection, and only one 60+ years old trumpet player has tinnitus. I am not even 20 years old and I don't want to show there with my earplugs in.

      3) In general I don't want to wear earplugs in places that normal people don't have to wear them. It's not that uncommon to use it at the club, but NO ONE, not a single soul of my age uses it at house-held parties, cinemas or noisy pubs.

      4) I want to use my earphones and headphones at low volume.

      Those activities might potentially make my tinnitus significantly worse. But what is my alternative? I know it - to exist (not live) in constant fear, with all the limitations it puts on me. Why would I live such imitation of life for 50, 60 years?

      At first I was really hard on myself for loud noise exposure I have put myself under, but recently I checked it, and I still hear some high frequencies (17-18 kHz) better than some of my friends who don't have even sign of tinnitus. This has made me understand the whole situation better - it's true that I made mistake, but it's not only that. My brain is malfunctioning, it's inferior and creates constant annoying sound even when majority of people with worse hearing than me still don't experience it (and based on my experiences, they should).

      What I am going to do from now on is that I will do activities from all of the 4 points above. If my tinnitus gets worse because of it (to the point that it becomes unbearable) I will just end it all. If I may live another 3 months happily it's going to be heaven when compared to 60 years of constant fear and misery.

      Right know I habituated and I don't care AT ALL about the sound. What saddens are the limitations it has put on me. I just plain simply don't agree with that, I already came to terms with the sound on its own, but I don't want to exist like a cockroach, with my earplugs in, closed in the house.

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