Finally Introducing Myself — I Am Struggling

I’ve been cruising this forum for some time now and making an occasional post on other threads, but thought I should properly introduce myself here. My biggest hope is that I can move on to writing my own success story in the future.

My T started up on April 27 just 3 weeks after a concert. I’m not a rock n roll concert goer. I love the quiet things in life. My husband does like rock music and I booked tickets to a concert and I must have booked early as we had front row seats. I don’t think they got the numbers expected however as the concert was moved to a smaller room.

I know it sounds silly but I didn’t realise the damage that could be done from just one loud concert of two hours. I had been to this venue once before and the volume was fine so I really was not expecting such high volume. I’d heard of musicians getting hearing damage but I thought that was from years of exposure. Everyone around me seemed happy and people were dancing in front of us. So I just thought I was being too sensitive. I didn’t want to be rude and climb over people so I just put up with it. The speakers were on the stage right in front of us and one to my left was particularly loud and aggravating me with the sounds of the drums coming through.

I now have some hearing loss in my left ear and T. I noticed the hearing loss next day and the dog whistle T developed 3 weeks later. It is a very high pitch around 11,000 Hz I think. I wonder if anyone else that night also suffered some hearing damage.

Peace and silence has always been important to me, and I know I had very good hearing. We live on a very quiet acreage in the bush. I even used ear plugs on windy nights or if my husband gets up earlier than me as I’m a light sleeper.

I have always been so careful with my hearing such as when we use tools or a chainsaw, so to be caught out on this one occasion because I was so naïve about music volume is causing me so much regret and problems with forgiving myself. Now I have to live this hell forever I fear. I’ve had some bad meltdowns recently and worry about the effect my ongoing depression will have on my husband.

I am on medication for sleep, depression and anxiety but am barely coping. I just hope that time will help me heal and habituate. I read all the success stories from the wonderful people on this forum and try to feel positive.

A couple of nights ago I was so down that I went out in the night and lay down in the paddock on the ground. It wasn’t an exceptionally cold night, but I realised on colder nights this time of year with the frost it would be possible to die of hypothermia. Despite my best efforts to cope at present I just feel so scared and alone and struggle to find the will to keep going.

Thank you for this forum

Tamika

 

Hi Tamika, first off you are not alone in this, your introduction is very similar to all the rest. Again you are not alone and we know exactly how you feel, you said you read some posts, so you know this is true.

Re-assure your husband that with his help, you both will get through this, it will not kill you, but you two need to talk about it, perhaps alone or with your Dr.

The feelings you have are normal for only having it for a few months. There is no magic pill yet, but it can and will become easier as you learn more about T try and get your husband involved, even if it is to read what others are going through, he will see this is happening to others also and you can learn to live with it, I know it may not seem like it now, but it dies get better.

Keep on reading others post and you will see we are all dealing with this at different levels. I have had it for 3 years now and at first thought I would never lead a normal life, again normal to think this way at first.

Post as often as you need to, usually there is someone here to help you, if only to listen, at least you know you are not alone.

 

Hi Gary

Thank you for responding so quick. You are very kind. I am feeling very down and needy today. Your response and contact helps so much. Re: my husband. This is difficult regarding T. He has it too and I only found out now I’ve developed it. He is a lovely person, but his coping technique is to find a bucket of sand and stick his head in it LOL. This is no doubt why he already had hearing loss probably for many years and T but never talked about it. He thinks its just normal aging. He said it does not bother him, he just does not listen to it. You would think he would know better than to go to a concert! I also now know he does not like to talk about T because now I realise it makes him notice his own. So I cannot talk to him too much about it. The one thing that did hurt me greatly is that he doubts my claim that the one concert really did that much damage to my hearing. I do have an audiogram to prove it, but not one done before the concert to compare.

So again thank you for your response. How is your life now? Do you have a link already with your story on this forum?

Tamika

 

Sorry about you're husband, I guess it is hard for him to help you when he is fighting his own T. Don't be to hard on him, he may think you're T is not as bad as his, hard to know what is in someone elses mind, T can really get on your nerves. I do not have a link, but if you go to the search box and just type in gary and then check off search all posts you will find all of my posts. Have to get going now, but please keep posting..

 

Welcome Tamika. I have true empathy about your struggle right now. Don't panic and don't despair. T is not an end game. I made that mistake a few years back, thinking that T is not livable. But it is a lie. The distorted thoughts pain a catastrophic future based on the current suffering. It is quite normal for a new sufferer to go through this process. So you are not alone. We understand what you are going through as we have been where you are and many of us have recovered and now living a normal life.

Don’t worry and give it time. Time will definitely be on your side. Your tinnitus being so new, your body and your nerve are a bit overwhelmed now with the new stimulus. The trauma of T is causing your brain to function under the limbic system of fright or fight. Your brain will have many distorted thoughts about the future, called cognitive distortions.

But you will not always think nor react the same way in a few months, a year or two from now. Why? A few years back I was overwhelmed with ultra high pitched loud T. Worse I was also attacked soon after by severe hyperacusis. All normal sounds turned glassy in quality, and were piercingly hurtful to my senses as if being drilled constantly. I had to wear earplugs all the time, but the plugs blocked off all outside masking sounds, making the harsh T shrill so dominant and unbearable. I had to choose the lesser of two evils and there was no lesser choice between T & H. The brain saw no way out and it caved into relentless panic attacks, being that I was a panic prone person before T & H. So besides the horror of T & H, I also had to face the terrible symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks all day. I had to depend on meds just to survive each long, dark day.

I thought I would never recover from such 'hell' of a life. But never say never. I am here back to normal today, living an absolutely enjoyable and productive life. I even travel often after T, even taking long flights and went on cruises. I went back to enjoy all that I used to enjoy. Life is beautiful now. If I had known that time and a positive attitude plus some CBT strategies would turn my sufferings around, I would not have spent so much time in total misery and trauma during the initial phase of T and worried so much about the future. So hang in there. Don't despair. You will be just fine. Give yourself enough time for the body to absorb in the new sensation. I encourage you to read up all the success stories to give yourself some hope and comfort about the future. You will learn some valuable collective wisdom, insight and effective strategies how to triumph over T from the posters.

Masking is a great way to help reduce the anxiety about the loud T. I used to mask all days, form wake up to bed time. I took it like my new normal. But over time, I fade out the need for masking. Things will improve over time. So give yourself and the body some time and don't push the panic button. Be positive, relax and have hope that good life can return, like many who post their success stories. Take care. God bless your recovery.

 

Tamika, your husband T can be different from yours. The volume of the sound you listen could be a lot higher the one your husband have to cope.How you will describe your T? You can listen above all daily noises?Do you have spikes or the sound is always the same?

 

Tamika,

G'day and welcome. I know exactly how you feel and where your mind can take you, when T suddenly invades your peace and quiet. I too, live on a few quiet acres and in the beginning, thought I'd never be able to live in such a quiet place. However, I now tune into all the sounds of nature and can direct my attentions to birds, crickets, tree frogs, etc. and realize, they are louder than my T and my T is very loud and multiple pitched. In fact, from 2-22K, I have 65db's, of hearing loss.

I have also been in very dark places and beat myself up for not protecting my hearing, but I can't bring back the past. I can only learn to accept my condition and await habituation and a cure. Yes, a cure will come. Advancements in medical research, are happening all around us everyday. I'm certain, we will not have to live with this forever.

So, hang in there and make a go of it. keep busy, put yourself in situations where there is ambient noise around, mask whenever you can. I use a nature sound machine to sleep with and it works!

As all have said, you may feel alone, but there are millions of people, all around the world, getting up everyday with T, just like you and me luv.

God bless,

Sailboardman

 

Dear Karen
Thank you so much for your support. It's lovely to know you are doing so well. Gives me so much hope.

I think I know in theory what I should be doing but sometimes its hard to make it happen in these early days when depression takes over (even with medication). I retired early 12 months ago. That has been great until this T hit me. I've been working like a dynamo around our property doing projects as my husband is younger and still works full time. I normally enjoy working outdoors alone, but now with winter set in I have too much time alone and can't keep motivated to keep busy due to depression. I will just keep trying each day to do a little better and push on through until better days ahead.
Thanks again
Tamika

 

Hi Billie
Thank you so much for your post. I have read many of your other posts and success story and I'm in awe of how you have coped with having both T and H.

I had a bit of H at the start but that seems much less now thank goodness. I had an audiology test yesterday and she picked up I had slight H without me telling her. I've found a good audiologist now that seems very thorough and also test up to 12,000Hz as a normal test.
Yes it is the fear that the future and any happy times are gone forever that causes so much distress as well as the 11,500Hz dog whistle in my ear. Surprisingly I am now sleeping ok with mirtazapine and melatonin, and with no masking. I found masking noises just irritated me and kept me awake. I think I have made some progress in that when I wake in the night and hear my T I will just ignore it and go back to sleep. Initially it would sound like a siren to me and scare me when I woke up! So I think this is some small progress even though I'm using medication to sleep.
So my biggest job now is to improve my days which just feel like misery and hell. I know I need to keep moving despite depression. I've also got to work out how to get rid of my anger. I am so so angry inside that this has happened. I'm sure that is normal too, but hanging onto it too long is damaging. I'm normally a very happy active motivated person. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me personally. Your words of support and hope help so much. I shall try and stay positive and avoid those black thoughts of S in future.
Kind regards
Tamika

 

Hi James
Thanks for your message!
Yes I think you are right. My husband refers to his as just like ignoring the refrigerator. So I don't know for sure without getting him to test it against a signal generator but I think its lower than mine. I did a test myself and put mine between 11,000 and 12,0000 Hz . Yes I can hear it above all daily noises, although the shower does mask it pretty well. Some noises seem to aggravate it so I guess this is what people call reactive T? It ramps up when driving the car and to certain noises like fans in heaters. I plug my ears while driving now. Even some music makes it react so I often revert to silence. I'm hoping if I just let myself hear it my brain will get bored and I'll habituate faster.
Regards
Tamika

 

Hi Sailboardman
Thanks for your message. I'm so glad to hear you can still enjoy your lovely quiet property despite T. Also glad you can still hear all those natural sounds despite your hearing loss. Or are you using hearing aids? I'm sad to hear habituation still has not happened for you. I know every persons timeframe is different however. Are you making progress do you think? You are right there are so many around us with T who you would not know about until you get it yourself. Eg. my husband, his best friend, even my doctor. I feel like the newest member in the big T club around here.. I may not get any sympathy LOL.... but at least it is more reason to have hope that I can adjust - and you too!
God bless you too
Tamika

 

Your T it's pretty much like mine. Reactive T is really annoying since we can't use devices to mask it and contrary to other people we prefer silence otherwise the level of the sound we listen will increase. Mine also increases with the sound of cars, etc. Some days I can handle better than others. When in worst days it's hard to me go to a maul or even have lunch at my work restaurant.
Your level of T started really higher. If it started lower it was easier to cope. What you have to do is keep your brain busy. I know it's easy to say, but sometimes just play some game in a tablet, like Candy Crush or other is enough to focus outside the sound and forget it.

 

Hi Tamika,

Yes, I use a hearing aid/masker. since my hearing loss and T is unilateral, my good ear hears normally and the hearing aid, picks up some of the lost frequencies in my damaged ear. Although, the hearing aid sounds, are not as crisp and can be somewhat tinny. But it's better than nothing.

I too experience reactive T. I'm actually better in quieter locations with normal outside noises. I live in sunny Florida and I'm close to the beach. I walk everyday by the surf, which masks my T almost completely. However, walking back to the car, I hear my T very loudly for 30 minutes or so, then it settles down. Driving also raises my T. I hear it above the road noise and radio. Even with all the windows open!

Btw, I usually have a few glasses of red wine before dinner and it really drops my T down to almost nothing? Can't figure this out? For most people, it's the opposite. Could be I'm more relaxed?

Yes, anger is one of the phases of T. Acceptance is also a phase. If you can get to that phase, you're all set. I'm somewhere in between.
Time is the key. Our brains supposedly will change our perception of T, through neuroplasticity. Basically, our brain will eventually rewire itself and we will hear our T less and less. I assume that's where your husband is at?


Glad you can sleep without a masker. Good sleep is important. Maybe you'll be lucky and habituate sooner than later. Maybe you'll be luckier and have your T dissapear completely!

So, keep the faith and remember, we are all here for you, when you get sideways.

God bless,

Sailboardman

 

Hi James
Yes I'm working hard to distract myself. I hadn't thought of games - that's a good idea. I've got some building projects at home to do but I'm afraid I'll mess them up at present if I'm not thinking clearly.

 

Yes I'm the same as you. I often have a couple of ciders in the evening now and it seems to improve things for me. I know its not a strategy to be recommended long term, but I think if it helps short term then why not. As you say maybe it just mentally calms us down.

Yes my husband seems well habituated as he only hears his if he listens for it - or if I talk about it, so I try not to do that now. No point both of us being miserable!

I'm trying a hearing aid at the moment for my left ear - one I bought online. I can return within 30 days if I don't like it. Does seem to help by bringing in extra sound, but I notice it only goes to 6,000Hz. I had an audio test done a couple of weeks ago but it was not done in a soundproof booth and I could hear other noises so was distracting and I was not convinced of the accuracy. They said just my left ear was down a little in the higher frequencies - only testing to 8,000Hz.
Yesterday I went to another audiologist that gave me much more confidence. It was done in a soundproof booth and they test to 12,000Hz and a test for H. They have a particular interest in T which is good. The bad news from this test is that both ears have mild to moderate loss at high frequency and dropping to severe above 8,000 - it just goes down and down like a very steep ski slope - the left is a bit worse. They suggested a free trial of Widex Zen hearing aids which they said go to 10,000Hz. I'll do my homework on that claim and I'll give them a trial next week.

Thanks for your support Sailboardman
Kind regards
Tamika

 

Widex Zen is popular and I believe, some here have tried them. Don't remember which forums though?

Good luck with them!

Sailboardman

 

Hello Tamika,

Your story is very similar to mine.

And I can only agree with what has been said here allready, it is difficult the first months but things will definatly get better.

I used to need a wall of sound enrichment everywhere i went, music, the sound of TV, anything to avoid silence and I tought this was how my life would be from now on, from one masker to the next, it was hard to cope.

But today, after a year, i sit here in total silence, i sleep well in silence , i never use and need maskers anymore,and the T does not bother me that much when i hear it, if i hear it at all at this stage, this is habituation and you will get there eventually.

In the meantime just try and keep yourself occupied with hobbies and things that you like to do so you will not focus on your tinnitus too much, maybe try some nature sounds for sleep, running water and bird songs used to work for me.

Take care and best wishes.

 

Hi Tamika, I am so, so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm always glad people have found TT, but sad the condition exists.

Reading your story about T sounds so similar to mine. I went to a rock guitar concert with my father, it was my first rock concert - an artist we really loved, we were close to the front. I thought the same things about security guards having earplugs in - surely that was to protect themselves since they were regularly exposed to loud noise, night after night. I didn't think one concert could do it, but it did.

My father had T from war, it has never really bothered him, similarly to your husband. He noticed his a lot more after I got mine and talked to him about it. He didn't really want to talk about it either, but I think part of that was immense guilt. That might be something to consider that your loved one might be feeling. It seems he invited you and while it's not his fault, I know that's something my dad wrestled with for a long time. Imagine if you took a loved one to something fun and they ended up with something that was driving them towards suicide? That said, right now is the time to take care of yourself, but it's something to keep in mind if he feels distant. Trauma affects everyone.

I really do think you're going to be okay and I hope you hang in there and keep talking with us on TT. Two years ago, I could not imagine writing a success story, I couldn't even bring myself to talk to anyone here. I was on meds for anxiety, sleep etc. I was a complete and utter disaster, I couldn't go to work, could barely feed myself, looking very closely at death as the only way to regain the silence I always held so dear. Now I'm a pretty happy person, living a good, full life - at least as good and full as it was before. To boot, I'm a much stronger person. I also think your T and H, given the cause, will get just a little more quiet and calm over time, if they don't go away completely. I'm not sure if time has made mine seem more mild, but I tend to think it's less shrill these days than in the early ones.

What you're feeling is normal, but just know that the feelings you have now are not permanent. There are good days ahead, even if they take more time than we would like to arrive.

 

Hi Bart

Thank you for your reassurance! I just re-read your Success Story from March as well. From being so down you lost your job – and then to habituation and a happy life again in less than a year. You are inspirational.

Tamika

 

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I appreciate it very much. I was hesitant to post, but am glad I did. The replies of support I’ve received from the understanding and caring people on this forum have really touched me and helped so much.

Yes our stories sound near identical. Just one exposure and so much damage done. I feel maybe I’ve been living under a rock? but I’ve never been to loud concerts before. I thought there would be some duty of care by the venue, and I didn’t know the danger. I didn’t think seats would be placed right in front of speakers. There is so much emphasis on other dangers such as smoking I don’t understand why there is zero regulation on noise volumes and public exposure, and why there are no warnings, maybe posters saying ‘ take care of your hearing - have you brought ear plugs’. They could also sell ear plugs at the venue door.

I have read your Success Story and your lovely blog. Thank you for sharing your journey with all the raw emotion and struggles you went through. Some people apologise for writing long posts. They should not. When you are looking for hope you hang onto every word, and all the detail is important. It helps to know exactly what someone else has gone through from the very worst of their turmoil – to the success, to really be able to believe success can happen.

Thank you!
Tamika

 

@Tamika,

How are holding up luv? Any improvements?

God bless,

Sailboardman

 

Hi there Sailboardman God Bless you too! It is so kind of you to check in on me – thank you!

Hope you are doing well today? Have you enjoyed a walk along the surf beach yet?

I’ve had no improvement in my T. Still just trying hard to hold my emotional state together and survive each day at present. I’m at the 2 month mark now. I have however stopped laying around in paddocks in the middle of the night. Also no more crazy late night drives. I grabbed the car once at 1am and went driving around local country roads. No other cars around, just lots of wallabies. Crazy behaviour I know. It’s just the utter frustration and anger. I think I’m trying to run away from myself. The anger is subsiding a little now and I’m trying to inch my way towards acceptance. The S thoughts creep in sometimes but not too often.

Last night I made myself a promise. I need to do things differently.

1 stop drinking as much, one or two ok, but not 4 or 5 (feels great in the evening but not helpful next day), drowning my sorrows isn’t going to help.

2. force myself to do things and keep busy even with depression when I don’t feel like it.

3. Try and get back to my healthy diet and lifestyle, and hope for habituation of my T. Otherwise I’m going to have other health issues if I keep going like this (junk food, drugs, just sitting, and too much alcohol). I have to believe I’ll get better and habituate. I need to keep my body going for when that day arrives and not self-destruct before then.

I’ve read so many helpful posts from different members on this site, and a few sayings from them go through my head during the day. (You might recognise some of them). I can just about make a sentence if I string them together. “Time to stop the pity party”, “take the bull by the horns”, “dig deep”, “keep yourself busy”, and “fake it till you make it”.

So today I pushed myself to get up and not let the depression allow me to stay too long in bed. I felt anxious, but held off on the medication. Did a couple of hours chores around the house. Then grabbed my mountain bike and went for a 2 hour fast ride along the bush tracks in the forest. (That’s why I held off on the meds) I rode hard, wind whistling, and the sound of tires on the gravel, but still that blessed dog whistle chasing me …..arrrhhggg!

Sigh….. so now I sit here fairly calmly writing this, and yes I feel better for pushing myself today. I’ll do some more chores shortly. At least I’ve done something constructive and looking at the clock I’ve made it through the best part of another day. It’s so sad to wish your life away. I want to enjoy my days again. I’ve just got to keep the momentum going each day. My doctor and audiologist both said 6-12 months to adjust. I hope and pray I get there. I know many people here take longer or don’t really make it, and even those that do sound like they still have many bad days. I feel so sad for them, and it scares me. I tell myself at least I only have T (and a little H) and no other health issues. I should be grateful for this.

Tamika

 

Tamika,

Everything you have said, I have done. It's hard for our minds, to accept what's happened and we try and run away from it, but we can't run away from ourselves.

I tried to medicate it out, drink it out, drive it out, walk it out, run it out, work it out, with no success. I now force myself, to stay at my quiet home and surroundings and deal with it. Hardest thing I'll ever have to do in my life, is trying to fight this evasive and invisible enemy.

My only relief, is when the sun sets and all the noisy critters come out at night and mask out the noise. I stay outside until midnight, calm, collected and at peace. I can think clearly and have hope for a brighter future. It's magic!

So, fight hard and keep focused on a quieter tomorrow. Know your safe zones and embrace them. Keep hoping in a few years, a cure will come around and we will all have our peace, silence and sanity back!

Let us know how you're doing, from time to time.

God bless,

Sailboardman