Hello: Long Time Listener...

I'm here to share my tinnitus story. I've had tinnitus since I was a child. I first remember experiencing it after having myringotomy surgery. I remember trying to communicate what I was experiencing to my mother (and later my doctors) was very frustrating. What I heard was what sounded like a high frequency sinusoidal pitch that never ceased coming from mostly my left ear. I would emulate the sound when asked, and they kept asking me, "but does it sound like a ringing?" I didn't perceive it as a "ringing" because ringing to me sounded very different (I was seven years old...). As a result of my not labeling it thusly, I don't remember anyone discussing it further with me. Eventually, to me, the sound became the sound "of silence." Silence was a droning sound. Tinnitus is what silence sounded like... and in the rush of growing up and being a child, I conveniently forgot the whole affair.

Silence sounded like a comforting tone. I allowed that tone to lull me, anesthetize me, into an almost zen state for years during the moments when I noticed it. I truly believed that silence had a sound, and that everyone heard what I heard. It had a pitch like the gain of a stereo amplifier turned up too high. I tucked the experience of tinnitus away and was able actively turn away from it, and block it out, by concentrating on other things; however, I didn't realize that I was doing that. To add insult to injury, I turned to loud music as a means to tuck the experience away even deeper, which probably only exacerbated the issue.

So, fast-forward about 25 years. About a year ago, I started to meditate to address anxiety issues I was experiencing. Then one day (while meditating) I realized that I was holding back something, not experiencing something, and when I bore my concentration on it suddenly "Wham!" the experience of it hit me like a bus at an intersection. Now, I can't tuck it back where it used to be... and I'm actually, not even sure if that's what I should be doing.

I read the primer's advice in the forums as well as several other threads about how people pushed through their tinnitus by ignoring the experience, but that seems antithetical to everything life has taught me. I hope I'm not wrong, but it seems that being aware of it, of acknowledging it without obsessing on it, is the best means to address tinnitus; and that's been my plan, to hear it and perform in spite of it. It's been a year now... and I still seem to be grieving through that process. I decided to share my story because I'm tired of being ashamed of it, especially in light of the criticisms I've read before about how I should just "get over it" (which, I guess, might actually be some kind of sound advice (heh) that works for some people), and that talking about it, and giving it too much mental real estate, will just make the matter worse. So, I'm hoping that outing myself will help the habituation process.

Thanks!

 

Welcome to the forum. There are many roads to Rome when it comes to ways to get better with tinnitus as we are different people with different background and with tinnitus from different causes. So if you feel better to rant and to let out your feelings and emotions, and if this can let out the stress, then why not? Acknowledging one's feelings and accepting such strange sensation of tinnitus without judgement some of the things the mindfulness gurus are teaching us to do. So it is what it is, whatever works for you, why not?

Wishing you well. Take good care. God bless.

 

I don't believe for one minute that you are wrong, @nofearcavalier, in fact this is exactly what I want for myself.

Let me say how much I enjoyed reading your post, your thoughts on tinnitus intrigue me.

This is my favorite part of your post. Thank-you for sharing your story with us.

Welcome!

 

Hi @nofearcavalier -- Thank you for sharing your refreshing perspective(s)--ones I fully appreciate. Very early on, I noticed that when I was able to (usually inadvertently) "ignore" it--by staying busy or for whatever other reason--it almost always came back to bite me big time. As in causing a deep shock to my system after being relatively less aware of it. When I became more fully conscious of it again, it could (and would) literally overwhelm me with grief, despair, and a sense of "being eaten alive" by it. -- [It's gotten better since initial onset].

Once I started to consciously become aware of it more often--and tune into it on a regular basis--I began to get a much better handle on not being overwhelmed by it. Ironically, by becoming more aware of its idiosyncrosies, I was able to accept it with a greater sense of equanimity than if I tried to ignore it or be distracted from it completely for extended periods of time. Knowing what to expect at regular intervals turned out to be far easier for me to deal with than not knowing what to expect after not tuning in for longer periods of time.

Absolutely no need to feel any kind of shame over your "quandary" on how best to cope with this in as healthy a manner as possible. I have to say, you strike me as being quite self-aware as to how to best approach this conundrum, and how to best reach some kind of "accommodation" with it. And I strongly believe you should trust your intuitiion on this.

If you feel you're "outing" yourself, then I applaud you for your courage. I truly think you're on the right track, and wish you the best as you move forward. Your approach is strikingly similar to my own, so don't feel you're alone with your own journey, even if you happen to be in the minority. And BTW, I feel absolutely no hesitancy (or shame) about following the beat of my own drum--nor should you. -- All the Best!

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away". -- Henry David Thoreau
​

P.S. You might want to do a search on this forum on "meditation" by @Jazzer. I think you'll find some of his perspectives similar to your own, and could gain some good tips and insights from how he's learned to better cope over time. -- And he often speaks with the wisdom of age!

 

@nofearcavalier -- One of my "assignments" in grade school was to memorize the following poem by Rudyard Kipling (1943). I've thought of it often since my tinnitus onset last year, and thought of it again after reading your post. -- In case you've not read it before...
.............................

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling, 1943​

 

Love this quote, @Lane.

 

I haven't thought about that poem since I was in high school. I never had to memorize it, but I stumbled across it while I was trying to populate my head with good poetry. It always choked me up a little, so you have serendipitously elicited a, not unpleasant, emotional response from me. Thanks @Lane