I just cried and cried and cried.

[object16]

Last night was the usual ordeal - will I get to sleep? and when? and for how long? And how much med will I need? I explained to my wife what I was going through, but my wife just does not get it - only someone else who has this gets it. Finally I just started to cry, and cry, and cry. I cried for a long long time, really hard. My wife brought me a few Kleenexes but that did not help much. Finally I stopped crying and a little while after that I was so exhausted with a long day, and never getting enough sleep, and high amounts of med, finally I got to sleep.

I am doing white noise/pink noise/CRT/music treatment, all of it, with +++meds. Today I am going to start listening to notched music for the entire day. I sleep always with "notched" music on. I cannot sleep at all unless there is CD of Restful Rain. The tinnitus just doesn't go away, constant whine at around 4000hz, plus a few other sounds that are fainter. Admittedly, in September it was just insane. It is getting a bit better, and I had a bit of hope 3 weeks ago, I actually slept through the night, but that improvement was short lived. I just get worse for no reason, there is no noise exposure and I am extremely careful with any sounds at all, even something like a door slamming shut, I cover my ears, and I always go around with a Bose headset.

So I just cried and cried and cried. It felt a little better to get it out of my system, and possibly my wife might have a small clue about how dismal it is to have severe tinnitus. I imagine there are even people who are worse off than me, but probably not very many.

 

[Karen]

Hi, Object16,

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. I'm glad things did get a little bit better in September, so maybe there is a glimmer of hope there. I know exactly what you're going through right now. Without sleep, everything looks so dismal and awful.

I'm one of those people who is afraid of meds, because that's how my severe T started. So, instead, I've been using natural supplements, and it has taken me three years to finally be able to sleep again. I'm now taking magnesium plus a Chinese herbal supplement for sleep, and these days, I don't have to have sounds going in the background any more. How did this come about? I'm not sure, but I think it was the passage of time, and partial habituation. I still have a ways to go, but things have really improved.

So --- I am hoping the same will happen for you. Extra hugs to you today, and I hope you have a more peaceful night tonight.

Best wishes,
Karen

 

[Beth]

Hi object16, I feel for you that you're having such a bad time but please be careful that you don't block out 'normal' sound or you could become fearful of what is a normally tolerable level of sound and develop hyperacusis which is the last thing you want on top of tinnitus. I haven't read any of your earlier posts so I don't know if your level of sound has been the same since you first got it or whether you've suddenly developed louder tinnitus but as hard as it is to believe (and it took me about 5 years to really understand it) it is your reaction to the sound that is the problem not the sound itself. I had very quiet t 6 years ago and was a basket case. Totally phobic and genuinely suicidal and I used to go into quiet rooms to see if I could still hear it!!! I would give 10 years of my life for that level of sound because now I have it 24/7 and so loud that I sometimes have difficulty hearing conversation yet most of the time I carry on as normal. The times it really gets to me are when I am anxious and stressed about something else and then I automatically blame the t. Are you going through a stressful period in your life, apart from the obvious stress of having tinnitus? Have you listened to the counselling download on tinnitus.org? I agree that only people who have or have had it really understand but there are lots of success stories out there online posted by people who had really loud t for a long time yet got to the point where it doesn't bother them at all. Hang in there, you'll be OK.

 

[Per]

@object16,

I do know what your going trough - trust me. My T is constant and super loud, it's like the sound of a raging mad dentist drill running on a million rpm, or like having the sound of a billion crickets played on full volume inside my head. All day, all night, all the week, every month. Month after month. On top of that I have to fight the painful H as well. It makes the sound of kids screaming feel like glass exploding inside a metal container. So yes, I DO know how shitty this thing can be.

It's a good thing you had a long cry actually, helps your central nervous system re-boot somewhat. The first weeks after onset I cried buckets every day, followed by a frantic chase for miracles. I visited healing churches, spiritual healers and prayed. I even wanted to travel to the other side of the world to see if this infamous healer could miraculously free me from this hell. I placed several international calls to doctors and what not. We are in this boat together and we need to strengthen each other in the belief that we will defeat this thing. Everyday is a challenge object16 but we need to fight although we wish we could die sometimes. I admit contemplating suicide but I've always struggled back, just to see if the next day could provide some fragments of joy. A nice meal, working out, hoping for love, giving my arm a massage, looking at funny pictures - simple stuff.

God, I wish any T scientist could read this. Please hurry up and find that cure...

 

[Riikka]

I'm sorry object16 you're feeling bad today. Sleeping with tinnitus can be a difficult thing. You seem to feel a bit bad about needing the nature sounds or white noise to be able to sleep. I also haven't slept without noise from my mp3-stereosystem since my tinnitus aggravated. But I think there is nothing wrong with needing the background noise. If it helps you, that's good. Maybe in one year the situation will have improved and you won't need the background noise anymore. That's what I'm trying to think.

I'm also still worried about my sleeping. My sleeping got disturbed when my tinnitus aggravated and now even though I'm feeling a bit better my sleeping pattern hasn't come back to normal yet (I also use some medication to help me with it). I think one important thing would be to try to be more relaxed about the sleeping. Being anxious about not being able to sleep makes things often worse. Of course it is difficult not to stress about it when you haven't slept well for many nights or weeks.

One thing a therapist told me is that often in the morning when we wake up and feel like we haven't slept at all, we actually have slept for longer time than we have imagined (lying awake at night the time seems to pass slowly). Also I believe that at some point, we will start to sleep better again, probably as soon as the anxiety reaction about the tinnitus eases up. From my experience periods of sleeping problems are usually followed by periods of better sleeping.

 

[object16]

somehow, I keep hoping that my brain can be trained to get used to sleeping with all that sound going on, like the constant Restful Rain CD, and the constant Enya singing to me. I try to imagine that she is singing it for me, and she wants me to get better, almost as if she was an Angel type of person, and she has been sent to sing me a lullaby. But however, sometimes, when I am lying there, the music does not always do the job for me. I try really hard to resist the temptation to turn up the volume, and just keep the volume at a level so that i can both hear the tinnitus and the sound track. I try to somehow keep telling myself that it is not as bad as it has been in the past. The frustration is that 3 weeks ago I seemed to be really turning the corner, but then the tinnitus came back with a vengeance, so it makes me so so despondent, and also blame myself for listening to too loud of a music when i should have known better. Thank you for the very kind encouragement. I really hope that i will have some positive things to report, with time.

 

[LadyDi]

There is an angel somewhere who is singing for you right now, Object16. She is singing for all of us. Keep the faith. This will pass and you will be better.

 

[Misery]

@object16,

I feel for you. Stressing out over being able to fall asleep and stay asleep is probably contributing to your very unrestful nights. I had one night where I awakened six time about two weeks into having T. I was miserable. The next night I began using an app on the iPad called Relax Melodies. It truly has been a Godsend. There are numerous sounds and you can make your own sound combinations and adjust the volume of each addition sound - so it's very customizable. I'm currently using a combo I designed myself that's made up of rain, wind, a fire crackling, and night sounds (like crickets, etc). I've had T since late October/early November and I've been able to lower the volume considerably over time. I find hearing the ambient crickets so much more enjoyable than the crickets in my ears/head. For the past few days I've been able to turn off the ambient sounds completely after awakening during the night.

You'll eventually get to a good place, but first work on the anxiety. I know it's difficult. Hugs to you.

 

[object16]

thank you Misery for the very beautiful reply.

 

[LadyDi]

I have that app too, @Misery, and love it. Mine is on my phone. My favorite mix right now is air conditioner/running water.

 

[Misery]

You're very welcome @object16. Once you're able to get a good nights sleep your T won't be as bothersome. And, on those days that it's still very challenging, you'll be better equipped to handle it.

@LadyDi, I love that app!

 

[Sherri786]

I know how you feel object, hang in there , the only support I have is from my son and the only " therapy" from this forum. Have had many nights of crying myself to sleep too

 

[dan]

Object16, I have no less of tinnitus than you and I sleep with minimal ambient noise for now...sometimes I turn on some water sounds on just audible volume next to my head.
I have the raging dental drill 24/7. I can hear it over a TTC bus.
I am not suggesting I am not miserable in any way. Misery is understating it.

 

[billie48]

This is the first post for me in this support board. Just wish to offer some help wherever I can to newer tinnitus suffers so they know that there is hope in their quest for a normal life even after tinnitus.

Like other kind members here, I wish you well Object16. I have true empathy for your sufferings. A few years back, I was in the same situation as you, being attacked by both an ultra high pitched screaming tinnitus and a piercingly hurtful hyperacusis. They were so alien to me and never had I experienced anything so unbearable, that they literally opened the flood gate of hell of relentless anxiety and panic attacks daily. I thought my world would come to an end. I thought no way I could ever overcome them and that I might be insane or even suicidal. I had to survive each day by meds like Ativan, Prozac, sleeping pills...Every day was a miserable long day. My life was seemingly ruined in total darkness of tinnitus and hyperacusis and I feared so much to project ahead.

Well, never say never, nowadays my life is back to normal and drug free. Tinnitus still rings as loud and high pitch, but somehow with time and following the kind advice from the collective wisdom of kind members of support forums, I have overcome the tyranny of tinnitus over me. My brain has somehow hardened to the ringing. Now tinnitus fades in the background when I am busy with living my life. I enjoy my life to the fullness regardless of what tinnitus does. So don't lose hope and don't worry too much, Object16.

 

[object16]

your replies are so kind and beautiful. i am not sure if your words are doing the healing, or you help me with my attitude and make me more optimistic, or if doing the correct activities, and music therapy.

it is amazing how much better today is just compared to 2 nights ago. this morning i kind of slept in, and the music and restful rain sounded nice and kind of soothing.

my drug use is less. i took 1/2 imovane last night instead of the usual 1 or even 2.

thank you so much for your support. it is really helpful. somehow i am starting to believe that i can train my brain to over come this dark spot and time.

 

[Dr. Ancill]

Object 16: Your tinnitus is controlling you so you have to take steps to wrest control back. Your anxiety and depresion have to treated and you should seek specialist psychiatric help. Medications to reduce the anxiety and improve your mood will lessen the emotional responses to the tinnitus. Cognitive-Behavioral therapy from a psychologist will help you learn how to minimize all the negative thoughts attached to the tinnitus. Make sure you get 6 hours of sleep each night - your doctor should should whatever drug (s) work - they will not worsen the tinnitus but not sleeping will. Things will improve over time. Use sound enhancement techniques with your phone apps, using headphones or hearing aids. You will establish control. As I write this, my tinnitus is hissing along but I can ignore it - most of the time. Just remember, for all tinnitus sufferers: Been there, done that !!

 

[object16]

good feedback, thanks

 

[object16]

i can't believe all the hugs - thank you so much

 

[object16]

i don't know what it is, but today i'm a whole h*** of a lot better maybe the crying helped to get it out of my system, maybe your coaching told me i'm going to get better and i will. the tinnitus just does not seem as intrusive, it is just a mild buzzing - probably this forum is really good. i think the music and rain treatment is starting to work. i am in such a good mood like you would not believe.
so what i did was to use noise cancelling head phones all the time plus music all the time - all day yesterday was Enya on setting of 1 - which is as low as the player would go. it has taken almost 4 months, but the spike finally is over.and return hugs for all people that gave me a hug as well.

 

[Sherri786]

@object16 , good to hear that , best wishes !

 

[Misery]

I'm so happy for you, @object16.

 

[LadyDi]

i don't know what it is, but today i'm a whole h*** of a lot better maybe the crying helped to get it out of my system, maybe your coaching told me i'm going to get better and i will. the tinnitus just does not seem as intrusive, it is just a mild buzzing - probably this forum is really good. i think the music and rain treatment is starting to work. i am in such a good mood like you would not believe.
so what i did was to use noise cancelling head phones all the time plus music all the time - all day yesterday was Enya on setting of 1 - which is as low as the player would go. it has taken almost 4 months, but the spike finally is over.and return hugs for all people that gave me a hug as well.

So glad to hear this, Object. Maybe it was all that healing energy. I think many of us related to this post. The important thing is to be able to remember how you are feeling now when another bad day comes...because they will come. It helps me so much now to remind myself that bad days will pass, just as they have in the past.

 

[Aaron]

i don't know what it is, but today i'm a whole h*** of a lot better maybe the crying helped to get it out of my system, maybe your coaching told me i'm going to get better and i will. the tinnitus just does not seem as intrusive, it is just a mild buzzing - probably this forum is really good. i think the music and rain treatment is starting to work. i am in such a good mood like you would not believe.
so what i did was to use noise cancelling head phones all the time plus music all the time - all day yesterday was Enya on setting of 1 - which is as low as the player would go. it has taken almost 4 months, but the spike finally is over.and return hugs for all people that gave me a hug as well.

We are all here, with you, sincerely

 

[Cher69]

When your having a total down dip you really can't see ever climbing out of the pit but somehow we do I'm so glad to read your updates T takes us down at times and takes over but each time we come through it I think we are stronger ! Good work @object16 onwards as upwards xxx

 

[object16]

thank you again for your kind replies - and return hug xxx -