I Think I Found the Reason for My Bad Psyche — I'm Narcissistic

I think I made one of these realisations today I've needed for the past 20 years.
I was wondering why I was doing so badly, when others have it so much worse.
I am narcissistic.
I want to be special.

It probably stems from the fact that my brother demanded much more attention since early childhood than me and I felt neglected. I was a content child. Or I was just always that way (grandfather probably had it too). It made me read complicated books at early age (special), become very intellectual (special), but also a distanced person (which I interpreted also as special). It also made it difficult to make actual, close friends, likely because I projected my "aura of superiority", causing antipathy. And being insecure. I was bullied, and shut off even more (not affiliating anymore with "the dumb ones"). Yet I constantly fought with myself: Obsessive thoughts, small self injuries (ripping skin of fingers, fiddling with my ears, biting my lips, etc.), serious procrastination, ruminating, video game addiction, no self-esteem. Depressed occasionally in adulthood. Searching for the cure, but not seeing the problem.

I worked in the past on my narcissism. But it seems I was only partially successful. I still have it, but see it maybe a bit more clearly now. I tried to gain benefit from having tinnitus. "See, I'm sick and >>deserve<< help". The worse it is, the more help I deserve. And if they don't help, they're not worthy of me (!!!, yes, I wonder if I could have suicided out of spite; probably not as the overt reason, but maybe one that was even hidden from myself). It's all this need to be special again. Classic primary and secondary gain. No wonder I had a relapse when it was about to be gone after I was a month in, because I was already in the "it actually has it's advantages"-mindset. So I self-destructed a bit again. Tinnitus spiked and changed. It has gone down since, but before it would probably have faded to 0 (it got higher and higher in tone and was practically gone).

But life doesn't work that way. I want to contribute to life. Not always demanding. I am still anxious if I can make it. And my tinnitus (mild) and visual disturbance (mild) still bother me a bit. But I am much less self-destructive. And I think I can find meaning in my life, even if I don't have these aspirations to be the next buddha or whatever anymore. And I think I can make it for the next years, until we have a cure for these things, even if it might be quite challenging (I actually think if XEN1101 works, it will probably also target visual snow). Let's be honest: in 10-20 years quantum computers will probably calculate what will be a cure for tinnitus and other neurological problems. Or maybe I'm lucky and everything will be solved with a little use of Lenire next year.

I think this was the first post ever where I was really honest with myself. And not riding (wholly) on my narcissism.

(Yes, I'm aware somebody who actually knows me might read this, but anyway, I am who I am. ).

 

Very brave and honest post. We can all become better people through our struggles. I hope you're doing ok.

 

Hey, if you can admit it then you can definitely change if you want to.