I Will Not Attempt Suicide Again

Hi. I've got a constant low buzzing in right ear since 6th Nov. I'm currently studying the violin in a university abroad so I'm away from home; the first month was very hard, I had a flash of suicide one night.

Then I realized it's not worth it giving up my life for the tinnitus, no matter it be temporary or permanent. Life is too short to worry. I'm still alive, there's a lot of meaningful, productive things I can do. I've booked to see the ENT but I have to wait until 5th Mar, as I can't afford private ENT.

The cause could be anything: I have been bullied throughout Oct 2019, so it could be stress; I've been on Seroxat (paroxetine) due to panic attacks since 2014 and have reduced from 10mg per day to 10mg per two days so it could be withdrawal symptom; I have practiced the violin at most 5 hours per day so it could be noise-induced; I didn't wear earmuffs in cold weather, which I'm not used to; I've had a history of TMD so it might be the cause; the list goes on and on.

My plan is to live life as normal as possible before 5th Mar.

Here's my plan:

stress: I've now moved away from the bullies. I will inform the school about my tinnitus and ask for a rearrangement of my exams and assignments.

withdrawal: I've contacted the doctor from my home which is treating my panic disorder since 2014. He advised me to increase the dosage to 30mg per day. On the other hand, I'm also seeing the local doctor to monitor my current tinnitus condition.

noise-induced: I'll wear earplugs when practicing. I also ordered musician earplugs online just to be even safer. I'll get a headphone tomorrow so I can reduce using earphones.

weather: I'll always wear a hat with hearflops when I'm outside in Winter; I don't care if I look silly in it.

TMD: After the ENT checkup, ask if there's a need to refer me to an orthodontist.

I will survive!

 

Wow good luck with your music career. Please look into some custom molded earplugs and get an extra pair in case you lose them before a performance. Also, look into you medication, as it could actually be the cause of your tinnitus.

Best of luck.

 

Thank you. If the Seroxat is the cause, I'm not sure if taking it since 2014 (accumulation?) or reducing the dosage (the body got used to it?) has caused it. Currently the doctor insists on increasing dosage, so I'll wait and see.

 

Be aware (beware) of doctors' advice. They don't know everything and oftentimes can be very reckless. This doctor probably knows very little to nothing about tinnitus.

 

What @JohnAdams has to tell you about doctors not knowing about medication and tinnitus is the truth. I'm a damn example of a doctor not knowing. Good advice Mr. Adams.

 

Warm welcome to the forum. Custom molded musician earplugs may be helpful as you are a music student.

For anxiety and panic disorder (I suffered from it for decades prior to tinnitus and hyperacusis), besides relying on medicines (especially if they are ototoxic or if they cause tinnitus upon withdrawal), you may want to try some other approaches. CBT related techniques such as mindfulness and exposure can be helpful. But an effective way is the paradoxical approach which is promoted by many mental health sites, like this one:

https://www.anxieties.com/63/panic-step6
(read particularly 'Inviting the symptoms')

or like this one:
http://cognitivebehaviortherapycenter.com/anxiety-mental-game-paradoxical-strategies-win/

 

if you play in an orchestra be very cautious of who is behind you.

I still play, and even play acoustic drums - but I'd NEVER let a horn player point a horn in my direction for an extended period of time at close range.