I'm Really Struggling, Sorry Everyone

I know this board is full of positive people and I didn't want to bring the whole atmosphere down.

I'm just really struggling at the moment. For the past week I've been really considering ways to kill myself. From jumping off a building, to getting a gun to ODing on the benzo's on my desk.

I just can't escape this. It seems so surreal, to lose something so primitive that I never gave a second thought about. Whenever I use to get stressed, I would go lie down on my bed for a bit. Now, I don't have that avenue of relief anymore. I don't know where to get rid of this built up stress and it keeps building up every day. I really do think I would be better off not alive, than to have to cope with this. I feel like I went from living to coping, from living to merely existing.

Sorry for the super negative post

- the most depressing cat ever

 

It's quite hard isn't it. You go through the ideas.. of pills or jumping off a high storey car park or maybe in a car with carbon monoxide piped in. My best one was driving to the top of a cliff (they have hundreds in Cornwall), smoking some weed ( I don't - but many of my friend do.. so it would be easy to get hold of) & taking a mass of pills (just to make sure.. in case the fall didn't do the trick) & then driving off the edge.

And yet before getting tinnitus I'd never even had a hint of depression. I loved life, my job, my family, the sunset - just being alive. That's what tinnitus does to you. Changes you completely.

But Meecat - you only feel like that for a while. It's not permanent. You are still in the early stages and you're of above average intelligence - probably pretty logical too. You have to see that what we're all telling you is true.

We're all telling you that even though it may be the worst thing you have ever experienced - it's only temporary.

When I was planning suicide even the thought of how it would affect my family didn't deter me. I just knew that I couldn't live with the noise. It wasn't worth living if I had to live with the noise.

I would have done it if my friend hadn't travelled for 13 hours from France to Cornwall - shoved me in her car and drove me back to France to stay with her. And there I stayed until sanity was resumed (partially).

You know that you need to see a doctor to get some more help - don't you? You know that you just need to get through these first few months somehow & then you will feel different.

See a doctor again if necessary - get some help - and be with people... you really need their support - just temporarily. Many people here have tried things that have helped - melatonin has helped many people sleep... and other drugs have helped too. Mask the noise by playing pink noise or something similar - if necessary just drown it out. Anything is better than letting the tinnitus win.

It would be so stupid to take your own life when this horrid thing will get better. And you're not stupid.

I know that I owe my life to my friend - she literally rescued me. And now I cringe when I think of how carefully I planned to take my life - because life is good again. Yours will be too... you've got to believe that.

 

Thank you for the replies. Click, I'm glad i'm not the only one with all these suicidal thoughts. It really is tempting in the beginning isn't it. The thing is, I can't really talk to my family about it. No parent would want to hear about it. I really hope you are right that this feeling isn't permanent. I wish I could go stay with someone in France too for a while. A change of environment would be nice.

Markku, that was exactly what I was doing this morning. I woke up and was feeling tired still, so I wanted to sleep some more. I wasn't exhausted, so I ended up lying there and listening to the T buzz away in my head in a quiet room. It's the worst feeling. You feel so trapped and paralyzed.

I guess another thing weighing on my mind is the stress of school. I really can't see myself finishing for various reasons. I can barely concentrate and it's stressful as it is without the T. I know everyone thinks being a doctor is really cool etc, but to be honest it's brought me nothing but sadness. I went through depression because of it, and my best friend in med school took her own life last year. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want to finish school and become a doctor anymore. I've spent about 5 years doing it and I just can't see myself lasting one more year. My parents will be devastated, and angry, but I guess it's really just not for me.

I just want to say thank you to everyone on this board. This is the most supportive community I have come across. I really don't know what I would do without everyone here. I can talk freely about my thoughts here that I wouldn't be able to share with my family or friends, and that means a lot to me.

 

You should never be in a quiet room - even first thing when you wake up - put a cd or mp3 on of rain noises & have it playing 24 hours. The single most important thing at the moment is your handling of this horror that's mucking up your life right now - you've got to think about yourself & how to manage the tinnitus.

And here's a viewpoint about parents from a different, much older, perspective...

If you don't want to be a doctor then do something else... something that makes you happy. Your parents are stronger than you think. Their first reaction to you leaving med school may be bad - but they'll get over it. I bet they're really just like me - all I want is for my three sons to be happy. The eldest is 30 and the youngest is 20 (still at university). Even though parents encourage their children to pursue great careers I don't think that there is a single loving parent out there who wants their child to be unhappy.

I was the black sheep in my family. Nothing like the rest of them. The things I did just didn't fit in with their idea of what a daughter should be. There were huge arguments & I never really got on with them. I didn't understand them & they didn't understand me. Fortunately I had an elder brother who became a successful barrister which fulfilled my parents' longing for a child's success - they could more easily ignore me wanting to do everything they completely disapproved of!

Yet years later, many years later!, they told me that all they wanted was for me to be happy. I wish they'd said that at the time

By the way - you can thank us for sitting here in the middle of the night (it's 1am in the UK) by not doing anything silly & also by believing us - we've been where you are & we're better. You are going to get better too.

ps. if one of my children was going through this.. I really would want to know. I'd want to be the support for him. I'd be hurt if he didn't tell me. Are you sure you couldn't tell your parents?

 

Gosh I've just read my posting above and it sounds almost aggressive. I didn't mean it to be!

I just wish there was some way of instantly making it better for you Meecat - at least here you can be sure that we're empathising because we've been where you are.

Take it easy - don't be too hard on yourself about wanting to give up med school. It's your life & you have the right to be happy.

 

Click, I didn't take it aggressively, don't worry! What you wrote makes a lot of sense. I guess, i'm just scared of bringing it up with my parents and seeing their reaction. I got an earful in the beginning when I wanted to take a day off. They would think of me as being really weak for not coping with this. I wouldn't blame them though, I do admit I am a bit weak in dealing with pressure.

I have the AC on right now and some running water sound. I am much calmer now. I will ask for some alprazolam or clonazepam from the doctor for the future. Hopefully in a few more months i'll be posting on here again on how much improved I am

 

Meecat, we had T at more or less at the same time...so don't give up , months from now we will be posting positive comments. We will get through this.

 

> Whenever I use to get stressed, I would go lie down on my bed for a bit. Now, I don't
> have that avenue of relief any more.

This is one of the things that pushed me over the edge. I'd be so tired and then find that I couldn't even go and get some rest.

Looking back, this was my anxiety keeping me awake and laser-focusing my attention onto the noise. It took a combination of things to climb out of this pit: medication from GP, counselling and support from GP and close family, rescheduling work commitments.

I really felt I was "back to normal" when I drifted off in the conservatory one afternoon - bliss!!

If you can use some masking when you go and lie down; it's not ideal but if it lets you get to sleep or distracts you it's effective. It can be a fan, an open window, TV, radio (even tuned to quiet static), or an iPod with Jim's masking tracks. Each time your noise distracts you notice how you must have been momentarily *unaware* of it. Those are the tiny building blocks with which you can build your steps out of the pit.

Best wishes to you.

DD

 

Meecat, when this happened to me a year ago, I was absolutely nuts. It seems that everyone that posts their experience, do say that their life was so different before. This is true. I took six weeks off from work, I had MRI's, CT Scans, blood work, and finally I went to a neuromusclar dentist for TMJ and have been wearing an orthotic since then. I do believe mine started from a TMJ disorder which I was ignoring, but the TMJ is much better--I still have the T. It's better but it is still there. Read Click's post in Tinnitus Suddenly in a Month thread. It helped me so much, it will help you. Last year I almost lost my husband because of my behavior. I couldn't take any meds either because I had reactions (rash) to all of them. But I started working out again and found this Forum which is an avenue to be greatful. Don't give up.

 

Dear Meecat,

We understand (I am proud to be a "we" withn this group). I was in your position once. In 2006 I was a single mom, going through a divorce, a successful doctor and bam T (and a broken ankle to boot). This thing brought me to my knees, when I think of what it did to me I tear up, it was so bad. (You forget childbirth, but this you don't, because even when the memory fades its still bad). Firstly you need support. I phoned my parents at 2am and told them I was going to throw myself through a window. Ya, their normal child had lost it. My mother took the next flight out from Florida to be with me, they knew something was very wrong. I had agrophobia and acute anxiety so bad I couldnt be left alone because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself (I never had anything like this before). They helped me with my doctors appts. This was hard because I went from professional to vunerable in a snap. The T was bad but all the other stuff was worse (acute labyrinthits). It is going to be slow and far from easy. But it will get better. I had to take 6 months out of my life. At the time it seems awful and like it can't be happening and you don't feel like anything is changing. I can't say it was easy, but I got through it. Today I have T.... but none of the other symptoms. I live life a little slower and some days are hard, but I'm happy and its way better than what it was. The support is crucial... you will come out of this a better person, as I have, and you will understand people much better, but you need someone there to help you out. Someone you trust. This is too hard (at least I found) to battle on your own.
Diane

 

Meekat -
I don't know what to say, because you are talking about a subject I try to avoid. This is exactly why the medical profession needs to find a cure for tinnitus. This is exactly why it is so important, because of the serious potential consequences, needless to say the suffering we endure.

When I first got it, it was unbearable and I wasn't able to sleep. Then I saw a psychiatrist. She gave me Remeron, which is a very light anti-depressant. I sleep great with that. Try it, you'll like it.

Listen to Markku's words, that you need to give it time. In the meantime, get yourself some maskers, drink wine, pop a pill, listen to sound therapy - experiment with different things that may reduce the sound.

I am extremely obsessed about understanding tinnitus. That may be part of my own problem, but I also think it helps me try to stay positive. Currently I'm reading a medical book, "Principles of Neural Science" (1700 pages!). Reading this has really clarified some of the mysteries of tinnitus. It's a fascinating subject to study. Since you're a medical student, I strongly advice that you try to understand the cause of tinnitus. It may motivate you as a doctor to find a cure.

I know two doctors who are top hearing researchers - and both of them have tinnitus! (Both have had it since they were teenagers. One was hit in the head with a soccer ball, the other got it from hunting, shooting rifles)

Remember this: A lot of people are in the same boat as you. Collectively, we need to put pressure on the ATA, the British TA and international TA's to find cures. I'm convinced that some researchers understand the auditory systems so completely, that if these brilliant researchers focused on tinnitus they will find ways to stop this sound.

 

I am also new to this T THING and yes I ve been where you are just now but I managed to hold on and so will You! My GP was of little help and most of what I ve learnt about T was through the internet from ATA, BTA and forums like this.Sadly most of what I seen scared me!! This forum is one of the best I ve seen and the people within it have helped me greatly so you should listen to them and take heart that your not alone in this your are struggling just now as I am but if they got through it, so can you and I.You should let your family know what your going through you will be surprised how much that can help Meecat. I am seeing ENT Dr tomorrow hopefully to be properly assessed but no matter what he says I know its going to be a long haul I Let you know how I get on ? HOLD ON YOUNG,YIN

 

I also had those thoughts of just saying the hell with it. I am done, I can not live with this anymore. I to wanted to lie down and relax just a simple little thing but I could not do it after I got the Tinnutis.The first Months of T was the worst thing that I had in Life. This time last year I never knew That there was such a thing as Tinnutis. I started taken everything day by day.I have had T for 8 months now. About three to four months into this I was lying in Bed and was just trying to listen to music or anything because it was so loud it was on fathers day and 3 of my sons come to see me and there I was lying there looking like I was ready to die. After they left I said to myself I will not just lay here and give up.
I started doing things again and the T was still there but I was going to cope with it no matter what.
I read in here where they had said just hang in there in time it will get better and I thought that was bullshit.
Well I was so wrong because it has gotten better and I still have bad days and good days. So all I am saying with time it does get better. That is a very true statement. There is a lot of different things you can do to help ease it somewhat in the first stages. Just find one in here that will ease things up for you. Jims sounds that he downloaded in here really helped me cope a little better in the first months. Read what everyone has done to try to take the edge off. A lot of good advice is in here.

 

Mike -
Well said. You went through hell and back. You're an inspiration to us all.

 

Karl,
Still going through hell.But I will say one thing it is better than it was when it first started. Can deal with it much better.
Still have them Good and bad days. I just wished for everybody sake that nobody would ever have to deal with Tinnitus.

 

Just wanted to chime if I may. I just past 6 months with it. It was about a couple of months ago that I started to habituate somewhat. Its still annoying but I find now that I can do everything I did before I got it. I am even starting to be able to get to sleep sometimes without masking. It really does get better, or at least it is for me. In the beginning I used low doeses of xanax to calm me. It really helped during the first two or three months. I havn't taken any in about three months. By the way this forum is a huge asset during the rough times.

 

Hello,
I am really struggling too. I have had tinnitus for over three years now. It has been relentless, non-stop screeching and has recently kicked into high gear. It is affecting my sleep and health and I'm worried. Doctors I have seen are blaming it on mental illness (bipolar disorder) and not taking me seriously at all, after being hospitalised recently. I am not sleeping well or eating well. I am so tired. I don't look forward to sleeping and it's torture. I am having trouble coping with it and am tired and worn out and have given up going to doctors. Sorry, if I sound negative, I am just worried. I have had 3 MRIs and I feel the medical community is starting to view me as a hypochondriac. I have actually been called a hypochondriac by medical professionals. I have other symptoms too, and I know there is something wrong. I live day to day..Thanks for listening..

 

Oh boy - it does make me sad when I hear stories of the medical community forgetting to be counsellors as well. I have been very lucky with the people who helped me (GP, specialist, audiologist).

I feel for you with the sleep thing; you feel like if you can *at least* sleep at the end of the day, you can treat each day as it comes.

Is there anything your GP can do to get you some sleep-relief? I was prescribed 10mb of amitryptiline for this, and it worked really well (I am off it now).

All the best to you

DD

 

Hi Augustday, can you tell some more about your t, what caused it, how did it come on, how loud is it, is it maskable...
Anything you can share about your experience and is there a reason it has kicked up recently.
How did you cope the first 3 years?
I'm into 17months into my tinnitus. Its also horrible and I'm struggling.
I am thinking about how long habituation takes and if it doesn't take hold after 3 years, is there still hope.
I mean all of people who recovered from tinnitus did it within 3-4 years at most.

Danny

 

to Meecat and everyone above..we have to remember...we are not alone

yes tinnitus is just terrible pain...but

dont let tinnitus win

distract your mind with any and every activity you can

play a musical instrument...softly

ride a bicycle

hike..walk, jog

watch tv

rekindle romance

cook delicious food

listen to quiet music

get and give back rubs

anything to stay busy

hang in there, you all
mt

 

I'm struggling too and have been having the suicidal thoughts. I feel panicky and have been close to a full panic attack again this week. It just keeps getting louder and louder. I had it only in one ear for 4 months and now its started in the other ear too. Its getting worse and worse and it never goes back to previous levels. Where's it going to stop? There is just no stopping it and Im completely at its mercy. How can I hope to habituate something that keeps changing and getting worse?
I used to be able to ignore it enough to be able to use my laptop in silence. If I was concentrating hard on something I could tune it out. Its too loud for that now. I really, really dont want to have to rely on external sounds, but, that's the point Im at now. So, that's another step downwards.

I was actually better in the beginning. More hopeful, less worn down by it. I seem to be going the opposite way to everyone else who has posted saying that you come to terms with it and the way you feel about it gets better.

Sorry for the negativity.

 

Louise,
sometimes it seems like it is getting better, other times it seems loud. mine started with tmj that I ignored and the T started, I think, with some different physical activity I did. but, I was horrible in the beginning. I know I posted this before but when I read that some new comers are going thru some really bad times, I feel for them. I know. It takes time to come to grips with this and I too have some pulsating when I lay down at night. What we need to hope for is that all the research that is being conducted around the world they come up with some viable solutions and not something out of a Frankenstein movie. Also, how did your start?

 

Chicken,

I was an idiot who went to watch a rock band and stayed there even though I KNEW it was far too loud. I knew. I was also inadvertently at the side of a speaker for about 30 mins. I know everyone will say dont beat yourself up but I have caused this myself (well, the owner of that pub caused it too by having it too loud).

Its the way its getting worse all the time that makes me think I will never cope. How can you adjust to something that's changing. I dont enjoy much of anything anymore and feel desperate.

 

Louise,

Coping is the hardest part. I didn't want to be bothered with any one or any thing any more. You may have a ruptured ear drum. It's too early to tell for you. Give it time. Read Click's post about how people got better after two years. I'm still not over that hump yet and I'm still wearing a stabilizing orthotic every day and the popping and clicking on the right side is gone but the T is there and who knows, that's my only salvation but for you check out an ENT and see what he says. Also, exercise and see if that helps, get the blood circulating or try accupuncture, that may help as well.

 

Chicken,

I've actually already done all those. I was praying for a perforated ear drum, but it isnt. Seen the ENT, dont the exercise and done the acupuncture. Done other things too. Nothing stops this thing getting louder even never mind stops it altogether.

 

hi Louise

I know it sounds daft - like fighting an elephant with a feather... but

have you tried eliminating any foods to see if they're making the T worse or even just keeping it at the same level?

I ate something with sodium nitrate in it the other day (something I don't usually eat!) & my T went from a whisper to an almighty scream. It's spiked before with tea but this one really made me think.

If there are foods that contain stuff that aggravate it then perhaps eliminating all foods containing the aggravators will bring the volume of the T right down?

Perhaps eating them every day keeps it going - feeds the T?

I suppose I didn't think about it much before because salt / stress etc. doesn't have an effect on mine although MSG did - or so I thought. I had a really stressful day earlier this week - T stayed nice and low.. no stress at all today and it's hissing more loudly.

It's really hard to figure out what does aggravate it tho.

Seems that spinach, lettuce, mung beans all contain loads of nitrates. Carrots are high in it too. I eat loads of all of these. Maybe my meal which also had carrots made the nitrate level really high. Organic versions contain slightly less but still there. Boiling your water increases the nitrates. Nitrates are a confirmed link with migraines (& migraines are in the same place as my T).

Yesterday I reduced my amount of nitrate intake & it hasn't worked because it's louder today. But I'm suspecting the fact that I boiled mineral water this morning to make cappaccino. I did this because volvic has a lower level of nitrates than tap water.. but I have no idea how much boiling increases the nitrate level.

Of course it could be a different mineral that made mine spike. I'm now suspecting calcium.. because I once took calcium tablets and they made my head totally foggy...

and then again.. this may all be as effective as waving a feather

 

I really feel for all of you... I wish I could help somehow because I also went through this. We really need a cure that would make us all tinnitus-free...

For all of you who haven't tried I would advise you to ask your ENT doctor for betahistine. It's brand name is Betaserc but it is too expensive for me so I buy a generic alternative drug called Vestibo.

Betahistine is a fairly safe drug with little side-effects (bloating, nausea etc.) that improves blood circulation in the middle ear. It is being used for meniere's disease, but one of the greatest ENT doctors in my country who does a lot research in tinnitus field found it to be effective for tinnitus too. You need to take it for at least 2-3 months to feel any effect.

I have been taking betahistine for quite some time now and I swear I am much better. It is either betahistine or something else that helps me but why not give it a chance. There is not much we can try anyway is there.

 

I still have my box of betahistine Fish.. might need them one day!

I'm also so much better though, without any drugs - perhaps it's just time.. I don't know.

I had 9 days of almost peace and it's still so much lower than it used to be - even though today it's hissing annoyingly.

Do you get spikes? Bad days?

Or is every day good now for you?
Really glad if it is