In Search of Friends, Sort of...

Hello... it has been a while. To begin with I am better now, which is nice, but I am not free of "the sound" as I call it. But that is not the issue right now, the issue is the aftermath, I have been left with now that I am better.

When I was really struggling, I pushed my friends away because I didn't want them to know about my tinnitus - it was why I found this place - but now we have "grown apart" (for a lack of better words ).

I guess I just want to know, what are your experiences? Do you maintain friendships through this forum or any other media? I don't necessarily want to rekindle my old friendships because they have moved on and in a sense I have to.

I am not necessarily social in the common sense, so I don't have the need to physically be around people all the time, but someone to check in on every now and again might be nice - maybe talk to someone else with tinnitus (I haven't had the pleasure yet). At least I think I am ready for another step forward...

Anyway all responses are very welcome

 

As more time seems to pass, I feel more apathetic. I lack a lot of emotion compared to the years prior, sometimes I just feel like my relationship will fall apart because I'm a different person. I don't interact as much with people anymore, I have no desire for pickup or dating (if I were to break up, where honestly I'd be healthy I probably would have kids with this person) and am slowly wrecking my relationships with the people I interact with. Slowly but surely my soul feels like it's disappearing. I've become a lot more cruel in many senses, it hasn't hit my girlfriend directly but she's noticed how I treat people differently. I don't care for culture anymore, I don't have a lot of respect for kids or the elderly (even less so than I normally did), I'm more cynical and just view money as the only hope out of this hell and "the future" which who knows when that'll bring the results that I want. I don't like kids nor pets anymore, they're too loud. I view everything in standards of noise levels now and avoid many areas that may be quite fun. Maybe slowly I'm starting to care less, it's not habituation though, that's for sure.

The one thing to keep in mind, it's not just tinnitus and hearing loss that I'm dealing with. It's just one of the many symptoms of protracted withdrawals (and probably brain damage) from Pregabalin. My personality changed completely. I went from a confident, suit-wearing young entrepreneur to a disabled, angry and suicidal young man who can't even wear hoodies anymore because he gained so much weight that he went from skinny to nearing morbidly obese. I always loved my work. And I dream of the day I'll be able to return.

 

I have only had tinnitus for the past couple of months, but over that time I went thru the same thing with ignoring or avoiding the few friends I have and the people I regularly work and interact with because of my tinnitus throughout that period of time. I will say, however, my whole family disowned me after disagreements over my path forward in life after high school a full 11 years ago so I have been down the path of self-imposed exile, isolation, depression, and constant feelings of low self-worth for other reasons. To this day, I have still not spoken to either my parents or any siblings since. I have never been a overly social, outgoing, and talkative person, but luckily, I am starting to adapt to living with tinnitus and becoming more of myself again.

Just remember that the night is always darkest before the dawn, and no one ever suffers in isolation...this forum is an excellent example of that. We are a community of support for all who suffer with tinnitus.

Before my tinnitus started, I used to mix and produce music on occasion. Below are a few of the songs I have made in the past to provide some positivity and hope for all who need it that seemed appropriate. The songs are Tropical House. Hope they help (depending on if you still listen music with T).

 

@oceanofsound26 I really like your music and I do listen to music even though it did take some time to convince me it was safe. To be honest I wouldn't cope so well with my tinnitus without music.

The way you talk about you relationsship with your family and your path in life really resonated with me. I'm not going to say I haven't done well despite of T. I graduated High School and got accepted to study law, but I don't think I am doing it for me. I am doing it because my family didn't think I was going to live through T let alone become as succesful as my siblings. I gave them all a hard time and pushed them away.

Now I have received my fair beating from life even before tinnitus and when I am with my family I feel like I cannot be the person I am inside because they see me as this weak girl I was when I was down and not the strong woman that I feel like today. This is also because I am very different from them when it comes to personality and life goals and they don't understand my ideas and aspirations.

Now I am not looking to stop talking to my family and I am very sorry you have to live through that, but I hoped maybe you wanted to tell me about what it was like starting completely over and taking your own path instead of the path they wanted you to take?

 

Hi @untamed wolf - Glad you enjoyed the music and you have made small measure of peace with your T. Music for me was a creative outlet especially in college after what I went through with my family. I used music to express emotion, and what I was working on at a particular time often reflected my mindset at that point in time. I lost my sense of smell after a serious head injury in college, so when I got T, I was afraid of losing my hearing as well. Sound is a sensory experience that we use to build, shape, and process memories that we can then recall in a time of need - be it for good or less benign reasons. So, losing that ability I think would more difficult to cope with more so than my T.

Your story sounds very similar to mine (except I have only had T for a couple months). After what happened with my family, I was operating under assumption of "the only person you have in life is yourself" early on, but that is simply not true. I made some friends in college I continue see and talk with today, found role models outside of my immediate family in a few of my professors and extended family who thought my parents idiots, and developed some hobbies like music production which helped me meet new people as well. I understand your reservations about your studies in college. I entered college as a General Studies student initially split between Engineering and History, and ending up graduating with a degree with Environmental Chemistry. Not sure where you are located, but props for being admitted to college to study Law. In the USA, Law (J.D.) is a postgraduate degree. If you live your life according to what others expect of you and if you assign value to yourself based only on what others think of you, it will only lead to your own destruction. For career or scholastic advice, look beyond your immediate family to your professors, peers, and alumni who work in similar fields you are interested in. When I first started out, I adopted a proactive, practical, and pragmatic approach to most things in life which has proved pretty good for me so far. Something along these lines may be beneficial for you as well.

In this life, you only get one set of parents and one group of siblings. So as difficult as your family may be, I would definitely recommend resolving those differences and get back on good terms with them. However, I will say supporting you and supporting your path forward in life are two different things, so if your family cannot distinguish between them, then they may have some self-reflection of their own to do as well. Success is an esoteric, subjective, and ethnocentric concept. Everyone wants to achieve it yet it means different things to different people and a person who thinks he/she is successful may encounter other people who think they have not achieved anything (since their success is judged based upon the other person's standards and criteria). I grew up as the middle of five boys, and I hold two different Masters Degrees in Oceanography and Physical Geography and I consider myself a successful scientist, but if I was still speaking with my father or brothers, I am sure the first thing they would ask is - "When do you plan to get a real job?". Yet, I have seen sunrises over the big island of Hawai'i, rode a snowmobile across sea ice during polar night to collect ice cores and water samples in the Canadian Arctic, and swam in every ocean (including the Southern Ocean) - all things I got do through my studies and work and all things I am fairly certain none of my family will ever get to see or do. Success is not only interpreted in terms money and material possessions, but also in terms of richness of experience and job satisfaction. Moving forward, just remember you cannot please everyone but you should not completely ignore those people close to you either. Keep an open mind as well as there is an entire world outside of your home, town, and even country. If you adopt self-limiting approach to life, this will be a hard habit to break later on.

I grew up in a strict military family in which we were ordered instead of asked to do most things. I will just leave it at that, but all in all it was not always the best of times. I left my house the day after I graduated high school and have never been permitted to return, so I was thrust in adulthood probably earlier than most. If you feel you have changed, demonstrate this to your parents and siblings. For example, f you are sure Law is not for you and you have something else in mind, identify it, develop a plan for getting from where you at present to where you want to be with logical and achievable steps or milestones, and discuss it with your parents. Take the initiative and your family will notice.

Hope all this helps. One more song for you (Progressive House) that seemed appropriate. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk more.