Spare a Thought for the Partners

Tinnitus is such a sad condition for all concerned - obviously a tragedy for the sufferer, it is also a very real tragedy for the partner, and the children.

There are particular dilemmas for the partners of severe tinnitus sufferers.

They do not have this truly awful ‘condition’ to cope with themselves, so they have no experience of its true nature.
Their understanding is limited, as tinnitus can never be truly imagined.

They are reluctant witnesses to their partner’s life being inexorably changed, and consequently, their own.

I would suggest that having agendas in this distressing scenario is unavoidable.

“I so want my lovely ‘happy-go-lucky’ partner back with me.
We are missing out on our social lives.
We are bound to miss your income.
You mean - we cannot do these things anymore?
We may no longer be able to afford ‘this or that?’
You mean, you are not prepared to fly ever again?
Why?
What about holidays?”

Absolutely life changing for both parties - life is now curtailed.
This is all so undeniably sad and incredibly frustrating for both.

Awful if you are the sufferer, and also so upsetting to read the understandable look of disappointment on our struggling partner’s face.
We all wanted life to go on just as before.
This hateful condition is so unfair to everybody concerned.

Where there is a truly loving and caring relationship, I believe surviving this condition becomes a possibility.
Of course, not everybody is that fortunate.
We never needed to take care of each other more than now.

Educating our partners with lots of patience, and over time, is crucial I think.
With a real joint effort we can come through.
In the absence of a partner, we need to rely on the loving kindness of very real genuine friends.
Such people do exist.
I have met some.
They exist on here, and they exist in real life.
Everybody on here needs the experience of feeling loved.

Love to everybody,
Dave x.
Jazzer

 

Love this so much @Jazzer, so true.

 

I'm so lucky to have an extremely supportive fiance. Just off the top of my head these are things we can't do together anymore

• Movies
• Concerts/ Christmas carols etc
• Flying
• Any noisy restaurant/ pub
• Weddings
• Birthday parties with music
• The gym

I'm sure there are many more I feel so sad for him, I feel sadder for him than myself.

 

Exactly Holly - me too.
We can’t help that,
we love them so much.
xx

 

Thank you so much for this @Jazzer. Can I hit the like, agree, friendly, hug, creative, winner buttons all at once!
I am going to print this ok.

Heres some of my thoughts.

Our partners do suffer the tragedy of tinnitus together with us.
Sometimes understanding as best as they can...
And trying to comfort us and be our support
Other times not really understanding it at all!
And conflict and frustration come.

The children suffer too
Wondering why mommy/daddy cannot come
Many times seeing their hero cry
Watching us so desperately finding ways to get better
This remedy and that...

I can go on and on...
And I'm sure you all can add to it too
I'm just glad am not alone
It helps to know you understand me, you know.

Love,
Once

 

I’m just pleased it touched you ‘Once.’
There are so many times that I feel so sad for my adorable partner, who could not be kinder, even though she doesn’t know ‘T’ from her own experience.
She always manages to say something inspiring to me.
When I felt particularly low and inadequate yesterday, she put her arms around me and said “you are so brave Dave.”
She actually gave me something to feel proud of.
She is a natural psychologist.
I am unlucky to have tinnitus, but truly lucky to have her.
xx

 

@Jazzer I want to share something about my own situation, I'm currently single, and I'm quite glad about that in the context of tinnitus. I feel like having a partner would be so very difficult with me in this chronically exhausted and upset state. I'm definitely glad I don't have kids now! That would be way too much for me to handle.
Thankfully, I do have supportive parents as well as some friends, family and something of a community, so it's not as if I'm totally alone.
But I would really like to have a treatment or cure and go out on dates and maybe find a partner, and all that!!! I'm a young person! I don't even know if I ever want to marry and/or have kids. But I do want to date and maybe have a girlfriend!
It's almost ironic because I grew up in a very traditional community and so many of my friends are married already, and there's pressure on me too to marry (mostly from people who don't know of my condition or don't really understand it. Which is most people unfortunately.) Then again I sorta left that community. Ah it's so complicated.
Anyways. Talk to you. I think yours is an important and well-considered post. HUGS - Manny

 

Hey @Manny

For what it's worth I think you could easily have a girlfriend even with all restrictions you have now. Before I met my partner I felt the same as you, I also have lupus which means I'm always tired and get sick all the time, I just accepted I would be single for life and was very at peace with it.

Anyway long story short, I met my partner through friends and we hit it off immediately. He doesn't care about all the stuff we can't do, he just does those things with his mates.

There are lots of women out there who just want a companion and someone to love/ be loved, you would be surprised how many wouldn't care about your tinnitus. I know I wouldn't have (even before I got tinnitus)

Anyway that was a bit of a ramble lol! But honesty don't sell yourself short just because you have tinnitus. You deserve to experience love xx

 

Dear Mannie - thank you for sharing such a personal message.
I really do understand where you are coming from buddy.
There is obviously no question that those of us with this condition have sustained damage.
That is just the hateful truth.

Comedy actor John Cleese (Fawlty Towers) wrote a book in collaboration with his (then) psychotherapist, called,
“Families - and how to Survive them.”
It was full of good insights, and many very good ‘socially aware’ serious cartoons.
I particularly liked this one.
So many of us are damaged in one way or another, that it can almost come as a relief if the person we are drawn to has some kind of disadvantage.
Please don’t think I am being frivolous by posting this.
Very often, this is how choices are made, by some kind of social empathy.


Dave x
Jazzer

 

Haha getting in a bit over my head here huh? Lol.
I do suppose I could have a partner even with my condition. People with even more physically limiting conditions (note, I don't say worse, I only say more physically limiting) than mine often have partners too.
I just feel like I don't have the energy to intimately deal with someone who does not understand why I am so often tied to home and can't go out.
Or maybe I'm just afraid and am making excuses. Lol. But you know what, your message has actually seriously given me something of a different perspective to consider. Thank you. @Holly1987

@Jazzer I get that. And I do think agree that it is likely for people to have a subconscious preference for "broken" partners. But I think you'll agree that's more psychological and early-experiences based.
Any possible preference of mine for a partner with tinnitus is more just so that they could really understand what I'm going through and that would kinda take some pressure off of me.
At least I think.
Oop. Now I'm really getting in over my head. Lol.

 

Incidentally @Manny
he subsequently made a huge mistake by marrying his psychiatrist - who knew, both him, and his financial holdings, far better than he did himself.
She took him to the proverbial ‘cleaners’ to such an extent that he had to go back on the road again, in order to return to public performance, and make ‘a crust!’