Suffered A Huge Setback Yesterday - Afraid For The Future and In Need of a Little Support

[kmohoruk]

Hello Everyone,

I feel like I need to just vent a bit and post in a safe place where people would understand, give support and not judge.

As most people know on the board here, I have moderate T (A loud hiss in both ears, and a small ring in my right) and mild H. Recently over this past month I was actually feeling pretty good. I was getting used to the new spike in my T and was sleeping pretty normally. I was trying to get out and expose myself to sound by taking long walks in the park by my house, and would go out on small odd jobs with my parents to get myself used to noise once again. My H actually started to lessen as well, and while I am still waiting to hopefully start the audio part of TRT soon, I felt that I was on the road to recovery....

The Spike

Then yesterday, I was doing my usual routine of leaving one area of the park, and crossing to a small 4 -way intersection to get to the other side of the park on the other side of the road. I crossed the road, and started walking up the street on the other side of the road when suddenly a big road sweeping truck was driving towards me.

For a second it took me a minute to realize what it was - then about half a block in front of me, the truck pulls over on my side of the street and starts cleaning the road with its loud sweepers and vacuums going. For a split second I looked and had nowhere to really go as there was a large fence next to me, and even if I ran back to the crosswalk I would have to wait at the light to get away from the truck - which it would have then caught up to me. So in that moment I realized I would just have to plug my ears and try and get by the truck.

The furthest that I was able to get away was about 20 feet and I just took my fingers and pressed them firmly against the Tragus (flap of skin in the ear) to create a good seal and then just power walked by the truck as it passed me. I walked a bit further to check the sound and I moved my left ear open a bit, and then realized it was still a little to loud and then closed it again. Finally after a little bit longer, I opened up my ears and I was able to dart into the park and away from the road.

I ended up skipping the second half of my walk in the park and just cut through it and went back home. Once I got in the house I noticed that the hissing was louder. I tried to stay calm and just tell myself that this happens often when I've been back out in the world and it usually settles down, and that I was focusing on my T, that when I plugged my ears the truck didn't sound that loud so it must have at least blocks 30db and put that sound in the "safe zone"... etc....

But as the night went on, it was still persisting. Then finally when I tried to go to bed that night it was really loud. The ring in my right hear was louder and more constant, and the hissing in my left ear was louder. I tried going to sleep, but just flip-flopped and I only slept about an hour or two. I am now back to where I was before about 3 months ago where I wasn't really able to sleep without some sort of sleeping medication. To go back to this, especially after being able to sleep well is just depressing.

How I'm feeling...

I am trying to stay calm to the best of my ability and after a good cry I feel a bit better. For the past 5 months I have been waiting to officially get my H diagnosed (next week FINALLY!) and have been pretty careful and watched my activities when I ventured outside.

If this spike sticks around, then it will be my second one in 5 months (since I originally had the big one and onset of H in the summer.)

I just feel sad, angry, frustrated and just wondering how much is enough, how more am I able to take? I won't lie, for the first time in awhile I had some real dark thoughts regarding my future and how I am able to go on and return to school. Even if I am able to get a job after completing school, am I really going to be able to find one that will allow me to work and still fit within the safe guards of my T and H.

I also have a very wonderful girl friend right now who has been pretty supportive of me, however she is quite a driven young woman - and I fear that it's only a matter of time where if I am not able to return to school for a longer period, that I will instead become dead weight and she will end it with me.

I know that with any recovery, @Dr. Nagler talks about how setbacks are to be expected and I was ready for them! I tried to just push myself in a safe matter by having audio playing at home and going to "safer" environments and which was helping my H. It's just very frustrating, and sad. I just turned 26 and I feel like my life is over before it really began....

I apologize for the long message on here. But I just wanted to get this out of my system in a place where people would understand what I am going through right now, and the feelings that I am feeling and not judge.

Thank you very much for listening everyone. I hope to start with smaller steps that will hopefully turn into bigger ones once again!

Cheers,

Kris

 

[Lorenzo74]

Hey Kmohoruk..

I am sorry to hear about your setback.. I can't help much I am afraid but just felt to reach out to you..

I really wish for you to get better very soon and focus on your studies, your life and your girlfriend..

Take care.. Lorenzo

 

[Street Spirit]

I am very sorry for your setback and I completely understand how you feel. All of it.

With that said the only way you have to go now is forward. Keep your head up and be gentle with your ears.

*hugs*

 

[Kopesy]

Hey mate
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering. Same sort of thing happened to me, started getting used to my T about a few months after getting it, started socialising again & what not, well it was a friends birthday & so decided to turn up, went to a club & so I decided to stay away from the noisy area & chill in the outside bit... well a few drinks later & i'm inside where it gets a little louder but decided to leave a little too late, ears were absolutly screaming at me & so they should, although yours was not your fault, mine certainly was. Kind of ironic that trying to 'get on with it' & live actually made it worse -_- Still, I'm sure it'll subside after a while, mine did & it was after a much louder experience. I'm 25 myself, 24 when I got this, I definitly know how you feel in that regard.

Stay strong dude & vent as much as you need to o/

 

[bictors]

Hi, i read and understand this happen yesterday, maybe your spike is about the stress situation and the bad night with few hours of sleep.
I have bad day of tinnitus when my night is bad and when stress situation happened.

Just wait some time maybe all is ok.

Best wishes
Víctor

 

[Ken219]

'I just feel sad, angry, frustrated and just wondering how much is enough'
You are having normal feelings. You must do what helps you. Time is what you need.
Relapses are a reality with 'T'. I found that during a relapse I start with anti-depressions, Anti-anxiety meds, Ambien to sleep. After I habituate 12-18 months I cut back under doctors supervision and eventually I stay on a low dose of Anti-anxiety meds and anti-depression no sleeping aids. First 5 years I was able to habituate without meds. Today I need the meds. This has worked for the last 19 years. I am in computer technology.
@kmohoruk please hang in. Do not worry about losing things or people. Concentrate on your recovery. Your life is just starting. Your do not have to accomplish everything now. Work it slowly.

 

[kmohoruk]

@Lorenzo74 Thank you for the well wishes my friend! I really appreciate it.

@Street Spirit Thank you for the well wishes. Yes I believe a couple quite days are in order before I am able to finally get in and see the audiologist on monday. Thank you, I am indeed trying to focus on going forward through out all of this.

@Kopesy Thanks man, I appreciate it. Like you said, its really frustrating how you try and get on with it and this is what happens. One step at a time I guess.

@bictors Thats what I'm hoping. While my T was louder last night, I was able to doze for a couple hours. However, I woke up to having very loud T and reactive T in my right ear (where once my ear hears a sound, the T spikes along to compete with the noise). I won't lie, I'm a little freaked out and am just trying to control my stress and take it one step at a time right now. Hopefully a little rest will do my ears some good.

@Ken219 Yes, its true. Sadly mine was sort of by my own dam doing (the original spike that I had in the summer). But like they say, you can't go back in time - you can only move forward.

Thats a very good point, thank you Ken. I am very lucky to be living with my parents who are both very kind and generous people. It just feels like the world is against me right now. But like you said, out of everything that I have going on in my life, my recovery is the most important thing.

Thank you everyone for the kind words of support. They really helped get me through this morning and I'm sure will help my through the coming days. I am hoping that this spike in my T, as well as this newer reactive T in my right ear is just from the stress of the past 24 hours.

Usually after a good nights sleep it helps even me out. But right now my heads buzzing. So I guess its back to baby steps for now, and then maybe some direction from the audiologist on Monday may help.

But once again, thank you everyone! I'm very thankful for this community.

 

[Asian]

Hi mate sorry I couldn't read your post but as you already know spikes happen this whole game is beyond our control and understanding . shit happens and we can't do anything about it I have had numerous occasions where my T spikes because of loud honkings outside but it settled down each time . loud noises for a very short period doesn't necessarily damage your hearing permanently. Almosy all of us deal with these things daily and can't do much except protect our ears a bit more next time. Move on and let the spike run its course . it will settle down in a couple of days cheers

 

[Sean]

Hello Everyone,

I feel like I need to just vent a bit and post in a safe place where people would understand, give support and not judge.

As most people know on the board here, I have moderate T (A loud hiss in both ears, and a small ring in my right) and mild H. Recently over this past month I was actually feeling pretty good. I was getting used to the new spike in my T and was sleeping pretty normally. I was trying to get out and expose myself to sound by taking long walks in the park by my house, and would go out on small odd jobs with my parents to get myself used to noise once again. My H actually started to lessen as well, and while I am still waiting to hopefully start the audio part of TRT soon, I felt that I was on the road to recovery....

The Spike

Then yesterday, I was doing my usual routine of leaving one area of the park, and crossing to a small 4 -way intersection to get to the other side of the park on the other side of the road. I crossed the road, and started walking up the street on the other side of the road when suddenly a big road sweeping truck was driving towards me.

For a second it took me a minute to realize what it was - then about half a block in front of me, the truck pulls over on my side of the street and starts cleaning the road with its loud sweepers and vacuums going. For a split second I looked and had nowhere to really go as there was a large fence next to me, and even if I ran back to the crosswalk I would have to wait at the light to get away from the truck - which it would have then caught up to me. So in that moment I realized I would just have to plug my ears and try and get by the truck.

The furthest that I was able to get away was about 20 feet and I just took my fingers and pressed them firmly against the Tragus (flap of skin in the ear) to create a good seal and then just power walked by the truck as it passed me. I walked a bit further to check the sound and I moved my left ear open a bit, and then realized it was still a little to loud and then closed it again. Finally after a little bit longer, I opened up my ears and I was able to dart into the park and away from the road.

I ended up skipping the second half of my walk in the park and just cut through it and went back home. Once I got in the house I noticed that the hissing was louder. I tried to stay calm and just tell myself that this happens often when I've been back out in the world and it usually settles down, and that I was focusing on my T, that when I plugged my ears the truck didn't sound that loud so it must have at least blocks 30db and put that sound in the "safe zone"... etc....

But as the night went on, it was still persisting. Then finally when I tried to go to bed that night it was really loud. The ring in my right hear was louder and more constant, and the hissing in my left ear was louder. I tried going to sleep, but just flip-flopped and I only slept about an hour or two. I am now back to where I was before about 3 months ago where I wasn't really able to sleep without some sort of sleeping medication. To go back to this, especially after being able to sleep well is just depressing.

How I'm feeling...

I am trying to stay calm to the best of my ability and after a good cry I feel a bit better. For the past 5 months I have been waiting to officially get my H diagnosed (next week FINALLY!) and have been pretty careful and watched my activities when I ventured outside.

If this spike sticks around, then it will be my second one in 5 months (since I originally had the big one and onset of H in the summer.)

I just feel sad, angry, frustrated and just wondering how much is enough, how more am I able to take? I won't lie, for the first time in awhile I had some real dark thoughts regarding my future and how I am able to go on and return to school. Even if I am able to get a job after completing school, am I really going to be able to find one that will allow me to work and still fit within the safe guards of my T and H.

I also have a very wonderful girl friend right now who has been pretty supportive of me, however she is quite a driven young woman - and I fear that it's only a matter of time where if I am not able to return to school for a longer period, that I will instead become dead weight and she will end it with me.

I know that with any recovery, @Dr. Nagler talks about how setbacks are to be expected and I was ready for them! I tried to just push myself in a safe matter by having audio playing at home and going to "safer" environments and which was helping my H. It's just very frustrating, and sad. I just turned 26 and I feel like my life is over before it really began....

I apologize for the long message on here. But I just wanted to get this out of my system in a place where people would understand what I am going through right now, and the feelings that I am feeling and not judge.

Thank you very much for listening everyone. I hope to start with smaller steps that will hopefully turn into bigger ones once again!

Cheers,

Kris

@Lorenzo74 Thank you for the well wishes my friend! I really appreciate it.

@Street Spirit Thank you for the well wishes. Yes I believe a couple quite days are in order before I am able to finally get in and see the audiologist on monday. Thank you, I am indeed trying to focus on going forward through out all of this.

@Kopesy Thanks man, I appreciate it. Like you said, its really frustrating how you try and get on with it and this is what happens. One step at a time I guess.

@bictors Thats what I'm hoping. While my T was louder last night, I was able to doze for a couple hours. However, I woke up to having very loud T and reactive T in my right ear (where once my ear hears a sound, the T spikes along to compete with the noise). I won't lie, I'm a little freaked out and am just trying to control my stress and take it one step at a time right now. Hopefully a little rest will do my ears some good.

@Ken219 Yes, its true. Sadly mine was sort of by my own dam doing (the original spike that I had in the summer). But like they say, you can't go back in time - you can only move forward.

Thats a very good point, thank you Ken. I am very lucky to be living with my parents who are both very kind and generous people. It just feels like the world is against me right now. But like you said, out of everything that I have going on in my life, my recovery is the most important thing.

Thank you everyone for the kind words of support. They really helped get me through this morning and I'm sure will help my through the coming days. I am hoping that this spike in my T, as well as this newer reactive T in my right ear is just from the stress of the past 24 hours.

Usually after a good nights sleep it helps even me out. But right now my heads buzzing. So I guess its back to baby steps for now, and then maybe some direction from the audiologist on Monday may help.

But once again, thank you everyone! I'm very thankful for this community.

Kris- I am going through pretty my same thing.
I was exposed to loud noise 2-3 times in the past and my T had spiked..but it subsided . Once after a concert,once a large fire cracker went off and third time after a movie ..all these with no plugs .
Give some time 1-3 months and I am sure it will go down . now I do wear ear plugs when I go for walk .

 

[kmohoruk]

@Sean Thanks, I appreciate the extra support.

I just actually spoke with the audiologist who I am going to be starting TRT with soon. and she said she was sure that I would be ok and no damage, or increase would happen. Especially since I had a tight seal over my ears when the big sweeper truck passed.

I guess I'm still a little sensitive to situations like that because my T fluctuates so much (just like my girl friends). So sometimes its hard to realize when something may be wrong, and not just a spike from stress, food or from everyday noise.

 

[Mark McDill]

@kmohoruk
Really sorry to hear about the setback; I've had my share of them. Dr. Nagler is right, there will be setbacks -- but I understand that doesn't make them any easier (or less frightening).

Do you use any white noise at night (or anything to help break the cycle)? I read your post but didn't see any mention of that (maybe I missed it). Masking is a great way to manage T at night.

Try to let go of the negative projections about your future. I know that is so hard to do (I projected negative thoughts too -- it didn't help). The fact is, you really don't know what the future holds; the people that love you will stick with you. I know you may say to yourself 'well I know I'll have T in the future' and you may (or may not) be right; but what you don't know right now is how well you can learn to handle T and live a full life in spite of it.

Mark

 

[Sean]

@Sean Thanks, I appreciate the extra support.

I just actually spoke with the audiologist who I am going to be starting TRT with soon. and she said she was sure that I would be ok and no damage, or increase would happen. Especially since I had a tight seal over my ears when the big sweeper truck passed.

I guess I'm still a little sensitive to situations like that because my T fluctuates so much (just like my girl friends). So sometimes its hard to realize when something may be wrong, and not just a spike from stress, food or from everyday noise.

My T is v v v sensitive to loud noise .i am sure it will go to baseline ....I think it would be go to baseline even though you didn't cover your ears ..I knkw when I panick I forget my own advise !
Btw T is very different from my GF...My T never leaves me through thick and thinn- always with me lol

 

[kmohoruk]

@kmohoruk
Really sorry to hear about the setback; I've had my share of them. Dr. Nagler is right, there will be setbacks -- but I understand that doesn't make them any easier (or less frightening).

Do you use any white noise at night (or anything to help break the cycle)? I read your post but didn't see any mention of that (maybe I missed it). Masking is a great way to manage T at night.

Try to let go of the negative projections about your future. I know that is so hard to do (I projected negative thoughts too -- it didn't help). The fact is, you really don't know what the future holds; the people that love you will stick with you. I know you may say to yourself 'well I know I'll have T in the future' and you may (or may not) be right; but what you don't know right now is how well you can learn to handle T and live a full life in spite of it.

Mark

Hey @Mark McDill and @Sean

I really appreciate the kind comments of support

No your right, I don't usually use any white noise. Amazingly actually before the incident with the sweeper truck, I was using no masking noise for about two months (and never did the previous 6 years when I first discovered my T). One of the reasons why though is my T can be quite reactive and fussy when it comes to finding a good masking noise - which in turn means that my T gets a little bit louder to try and match the incoming sounds. It doesn't do it all the time - but it can be pretty frustrating sometimes.

So how I sort of do it instead, is just go to bed when I'm actually really tired. If I do that, then I find I can usually fall asleep within 5-10 min and then I'm good. But like yesterday showed, when I get stressed, frustrated, scared or angry, it sure makes it hard to get back into that zone. I did end up taking a sleeping pill last night and got a good nights sleep, so hopefully tonight will run a little smoother.

Yes, I agree with you completely. My big issue is that I'm still quite young, and now my T is maybe in the more mild/moderate range and in both ears. I had to drop out of school this year due to my H and am currently ALMOST about to start TRT ( after 5 months of waiting) and have spent a lot of the time in the house. I want to make sure that I get myself evaluated before I try going out into the world and working, or at least volunteer as a way of getting out.

So sometimes I get caught in those "What if cycles"

- What if I don't get better, will my girl friend just get frustrated and leave me
- What if I'm not able to go back to school and be able to concentrate on my school work
- How am I going to have a career in the outdoors with something that limits me so much (More so the H instead of the T)
- What if I am one of this rare people where my H will make me more susceptible to increases in my T due to loud sounds

etc.. etc...

Luckily I have very supportive parents and friends who have always been there for me when I need to talk some of this out. I was actually doing quite well before this incident happened. But as I found out two days ago, it looks like I still need to work on my REACTION to loud sounds, and not just go into crisis mode.

As my mom said the other day, "Focus on the appointment with the audiologist for monday, and lets just take this one step at a time. No one knows the future Kris, but lets aim for a happy and healthy one!". I feel once I am able to start TRT and be evaluated, then I will finally feel a bit better about this. Haha, I guess I just have to much time, and not much to do as I'm mostly stuck in the house right now.

Thanks

 

[Sean]

Hey @Mark McDill and @Sean

I really appreciate the kind comments of support

No your right, I don't usually use any white noise. Amazingly actually before the incident with the sweeper truck, I was using no masking noise for about two months (and never did the previous 6 years when I first discovered my T). One of the reasons why though is my T can be quite reactive and fussy when it comes to finding a good masking noise - which in turn means that my T gets a little bit louder to try and match the incoming sounds. It doesn't do it all the time - but it can be pretty frustrating sometimes.

So how I sort of do it instead, is just go to bed when I'm actually really tired. If I do that, then I find I can usually fall asleep within 5-10 min and then I'm good. But like yesterday showed, when I get stressed, frustrated, scared or angry, it sure makes it hard to get back into that zone. I did end up taking a sleeping pill last night and got a good nights sleep, so hopefully tonight will run a little smoother.

Yes, I agree with you completely. My big issue is that I'm still quite young, and now my T is maybe in the more mild/moderate range and in both ears. I had to drop out of school this year due to my H and am currently ALMOST about to start TRT ( after 5 months of waiting) and have spent a lot of the time in the house. I want to make sure that I get myself evaluated before I try going out into the world and working, or at least volunteer as a way of getting out.

So sometimes I get caught in those "What if cycles"

- What if I don't get better, will my girl friend just get frustrated and leave me
- What if I'm not able to go back to school and be able to concentrate on my school work
- How am I going to have a career in the outdoors with something that limits me so much (More so the H instead of the T)
- What if I am one of this rare people where my H will make me more susceptible to increases in my T due to loud sounds

etc.. etc...

Luckily I have very supportive parents and friends who have always been there for me when I need to talk some of this out. I was actually doing quite well before this incident happened. But as I found out two days ago, it looks like I still need to work on my REACTION to loud sounds, and not just go into crisis mode.

As my mom said the other day, "Focus on the appointment with the audiologist for monday, and lets just take this one step at a time. No one knows the future Kris, but lets aim for a happy and healthy one!". I feel once I am able to start TRT and be evaluated, then I will finally feel a bit better about this. Haha, I guess I just have to much time, and not much to do as I'm mostly stuck in the house right now.

Thanks

When T goes to baseline , please do post it here . Other folks who get exposed to such accidents will get relief when they hear that T spike with loud noise exposure eventually do go back to base line .

 

[kmohoruk]

@Sean shall do!!