The Good and Bad News — Am I Dependent on My Tinnitus? How Would I Feel If My Tinnitus Stopped?

Hey,

So it's been quite some time since my last activity on this forum. I came sometimes to read, but as I was really busy, I didn't had time to participate. Even now, I should be working on things instead of writing this.

The good news
Let's start with them, don't we? So, my dad, who I've never seen in relationship (and I'm 20), got a girlfriend. She is really nice. I haven't gotten to talk to her that much since my dad's work on ship so he's often away and that I'm a last year student and all.

I'm not talking about her for nothing. In fact, her daughter works as an audiologist. Well, I think since her mom just said that "she works with people who needs hearing aids and can prescribe and adjust them" or something like that. She said she will talk to her daughter about me since my audiologist said that even if my hearing decreases a little fast, my ENT doesn't consider it bad enough for trying anything. Well, it was one year ago. I have to wait one or two month again to have another audiogram.

Also, the sounds generator, nature sounds and all, were never working for my tinnitus. The only way I could mask my tinnitus was with music, but my tinnitus became so much worse that the music could not (and still cannot) mask my tinnitus. But, now I found music that masks my tinnitus. It's Take Me Home, Country Roads but it’s being played on a summer night from your neighbor’s porch.

Take Me Home, Country Roads but it’s...

Since it has crickets, it cancels the sound of my tinnitus and even if I normally have to put the sound loud to hear it correctly, I don't mind let it be at 50% volume because the sound is already muffled.


Bad news
Maybe I should have started with the bad news and finish with a positive note. Anyway.
So my hearing has decreased, the tinnitus has worsen. Well... there are good days, weird days, bad days and hell days.
These days, it's bad or hell. Hell is when I'm in a depression "phase" (I don't know how to express it in English). I have anxiety, panic and anxiety attacks, my insomnia (that is always there anyway) is worse, I feel numb and my tinnitus makes me want to rip off my ears or stick pencils in them even tho I know it would only make things worse.
My tinnitus is coming with ear pains. It always has since the start. I have periods where I have ear pain all the time and other periods where I have a gently break from it.

Also, I can't stand the dishes that slam together anymore. This started two months ago when two frying pans slammed together. I went deaf for one minute maximum and was a little dizzy. For a month, my hearing and tinnitus wasn't really the best. I had a hard time.
Since then, I can't stand dishes. I still continue to empty the dishwasher, but I take care to not make that much of noise. Before, I could go really fast because I wasn't bothered by the sound. Now, it's like hyperacusis or I don't know.


Questioning
When I first had my hearing trauma, 8 years ago, I became deaf in my right ear for 3 days before developing fleeting tinnitus (I remember the first month being the worst, at a point I was thinking that maybe, making myself deaf would be better... I was 12 ok? I didn't do anything, fortunately). One of the symptoms was, and still is, that some sounds make my left ear have this drumming sound. Water was one of the sound. I also remember that I had a teacher who had to use a microphone because of a throat issue. After one whole class I couldn't stand the sound anymore.
This symptom is still here and some days ago, I was washing the dishes and didn't hear the drumming. My first reaction? Panicking.

Yes... panicking.

Why? I should had been happy (even though it came back the day after) but instead, I was panicking and was just shocked after that. I was running the water on and off, like I didn't believe that I wasn't hearing it anymore after all those years.

After that, I was wondering: if I woke up and I can hear the silence again, what would be my reaction? I had fleeting tinnitus for seven years, chronic tinnitus for one and a half years. My brain forgot what silence "sounds like" in... what? 6 months? Would I be panicking like I did with the absence of the drumming sound? I would do anything to get rid of my tinnitus, but at the same time, I feel like I'm now dependent on it. Like... When I was harming myself for example. I was cutting myself BUT couldn't stop. I was USED to that. So if tomorrow I woke up and didn't hear my tinnitus, would I feel like something is missing?

It's a weird feeling. Like... well.. because even when I forget about my tinnitus, it is still there, yes? Like a fan that is on, you forget the sound and when it stops, you are like, "Oh! I had forgot it was there!" So even when I forget that I have tinnitus or when it's a good day and it's noisy enough to mask it, if it stops, I would notice it immediately. I don't know if I explain this well.

What do you think about that? Like... the last part. Or even about the whole post.