Tinnitus and Birth and Rebirth

A little over a year ago, I woke up with my tinnitus that started and never stopped.

It was a Tuesday morning in the midst of the worst sinus infection of my life. Initially I laughed when my misfortune now included an alien noise in my ears in addition to the stuffiness I felt, like I had hopped off an airplane with a cold (a feeling I knew well from many flights like that in the past.) I started getting scared when I got diagnosed with an ear infection and my first GP coldly mentioned how we have antibiotics because "cavemen went deaf" with ear infections. I was justifiably terrified when I visited an ENT a week later who was unable to suction anything out of my ear but did diagnose mild hearing loss in both of my ears. And, I was in a deep cycle of depression and anxiety through the rest of 2014 that was more unrelenting than anything I ever faced in my life.

But I'm not here to talk about that--I'm here to talk about my road back from hell.

The first true inkling was a day shortly before Christmas. My wife and then 1-year-old (now 2) son were at my parents house for my mom's birthday. I was having a very typical "bad" tinnitus day, feeling very sad and anxious, needing to step into the bathroom every 20 minutes just to get away from people and take some deep breaths, and feeling a general feeling of despair (which I hid from my family very well, apparently.) Then my son, playing on a scooter, fell forward and bit his tongue. Hard. So hard that blood was shooting everywhere. (Like, horror movie level blood shooting everywhere.)

This crisis, though not at all life-threatening, forced me out of my shell and into mobilization. My wife and I drove him to the nearest ER, where we ended up spending a few hours getting him to calm down with sedation enough so the wonderful docs could pump his tongue with stuff that would stop the bleeding and heal it up.

This was the first crack in tinnitus controlling my life.

The second was on New Years Day, a few days later. I had one of my worst tinnitus experiences at the Mall of America a month earlier, where my wife and I celebrated our wedding anniversary. I had little ability to explain to my wife why I was in such a bad mood, but it really had to do with my tinnitus rising above the sound of the din of the mall, piercing every movement with a horrible high-pitched whistle that wouldn't let up. That New Years Day, we returned and... I had so much fun that I didn't notice my tinnitus at all the whole time. I went on rides with my son and, when we got home and put him down for a nap, I cried some tears of joy for finally feeling "myself" again.

Yet another crack had to do with attending a sports event (in this case, Kevin Garnett's return to Minnesota on Feb 25, 2015.) It was very loud in the Target Center that night but I wore strong earplugs and, again, forgot about my tinnitus.

It's hard to explain habituation because at first I think it starts with big "aha" moments like this and eventually can avalanche itself. But I know that by April 2015, with the help of this forum and the help of my middle ear inflammation slowly but surely settling down, my tinnitus has slowly become less and less of an issue.

In January 2015, in the midst of still feeling pretty depressed, my wife and I found out that we were going to have our second child in September 2015.

On September 30, 2015, exactly one year after I woke up with my tinnitus, our daughter was born.

I don't always believe in a higher power, but I thank God for giving me this wonderful gift--my tinnitus, that gave me a lesson in what it feels to truly suffer, gave me hope that suffering can be overcome, and for my daughter who, in addition to being super snuggly, is a reminder that life goes on and that there's beauty on the other side.

I'm a year into tinnitus and with the news about AUT63, not hanging all my hopes on being cured in the near future but even if I'm not cured, I know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. So for new sufferers out there--know that it DOES get better.

This is not to say that the extreme sufferers of tinnitus can get there easily, or at all. I know that there are millions in the world and many here at TT who are suffering deeply and I have no doubt that it's a struggle. It was and at times still is a struggle for me too. I just want to ensure that people, both new and old, know my story, that it's possible to habituate.

(Which doesn't stop me from advocacy work--please be sure to see @attheedgeofscience's Awareness post here )

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...-trobalt-for-the-treatment-of-tinnitus.11578/

Here's a video I made commemorating what used to be my tinnitus anniversary and is now my daughter's birthday instead:

Colette Rosaline - Birth Announcement #CocoRosie

 

Your doughter is your T cure

 

Thanks for posting

 

I got my first child about a year ago. Amazing thing happened -> my T went to all time low for a couple of months, probably due to high levels of oxitocin etc hormones from the happiness. This confirms at least to me, that T is in the brain and neuro chemicals play a huge role.