Tinnitus, Depression and the Sound of the Crickets

My name is Ozgur. I'm 40 years old mechanical engineer and I live in Istanbul / Turkey.

Background
About 20 years ago, I went to a country side. It was a windy day. I still remember that cold wind. And that wind was blowing right to my ear. One day later, I noticed a fullness and murmur in my left ear. Problem did not pass, so I went to the doctor. The doctor told me that I had a middle ear infection and prescribed me some antibiotics. Few weeks later my infection went away. But a faint volume of tinnitus started. I was not hearing that during day time, but I was sometimes hearing it at bed, before sleeping. However, it was so faint that I was rarely noticing it.

The Tinnitus
But on December 2012, I got stressed for some stupid reason. My stress had continued about 15 days. Then boom! Suddenly, I think due to that stress, my once-barely-noticeable tinnitus increased incredibly ! I was shocked. The tinnitus was so high that it was constantly bothering me during day and night. I could not sleep, I could not think.

To find relief, I went to 4 ENT doctors, 2 neurosurgeons, 1 neurologist and 3 dentists.But none of them could help me. My hearing test results were well. And no one could find out why I had tinnitus. One doctor claimed that it is was due to stress, which I had shortly before the onset of tinnitus.

My poor mind was desperately trying to find a solution, but it could not solve the problem.
I was sad, sad, sad.

I was feeling jealous when I was seeing healthy and happy people who were tinnitus-free. Another problem was that, with the exception of my family and few people, no one seemed to understand what I was going through.

I thought that as a person who had read lots of self-help books and got many training, I could handle this difficult situation with my knowledge. But I just could not do that. Like as a good swimmer, who falls into the freezing sea and forgets how to swim due to shock, I could not overcome the situation. I was desperate.

I was constantly asking that the same questions to myself: "Why me? What I have done to deserve this?"

Then self-pitying started. I could not help pitying myself. And that makes all the things worse.

I took a leave of absence from work and began to rest at home.

Sometimes I was rubbing my hands tightly with desperation while I was listening that relentless sound in my left ear. I asked to myself: "Am I getting mad?" I feared that tinnitus would make me crazy.

I lost my appetite and I began to lose weight. I was not the smiling person I always have been. Tinnitus was killing me. It was not only killing me, but it was eating me alive. Depression started. (It was the first time I've had depression in my whole life.)

Sleeping was a major problem. My mind's reaction to the tinnitus soundwas terrible! And huge problem was that I could not completely mask the tinnitus with listening music with ear pods! Because I was hearing tinnitus THROUGH music! I remember how I got panicked when I first noticed that. It was as if my tinnitus was at "another layer"; therefore music just could not mask it completely. It was as if trying to clean the window inside; but in fact window was stained outside. To fall asleep I began to use listen music but when I was keeping the music level low, I was hearing that hissing sound through songs and when I kept music volume high, it was masking the tinnitus sound, but this time the music was so high that it was impossible to fall asleep. Oh my God! I could not sleep for many many nights. As another tinnitus sufferer put it once: "The bed was a battlefield". I could not even look at my bed during the day, because I had contributed so much pain with it.

One day, after another sleepless night, I went out to change my mood. It was around 2 o’clock in the morning. Luckily I found a café which was open 24 hours and drank something.

I could not go back home because I could not sleep there. So I decided to sleep in the car.

I was a cold February night. I left the engine running and opened the heater. I lied at the back of the car. I opened some music to mask the tinnitus and I tried to sleep. Soon a patrolling police car stopped next my car. The officer came to see what I was doing in the middle of the night in the back of the car. He briefly looked at me and then he continued. I could not sleep there, but I rested for a while.

And at many nights, with tired eyes, I was watching the sleeping city through my window. I felt lonely. I'm a person, who cries very rarely; but I remember one day, in the middle of the night I got down on my knees, opened my hands to the sky and cried. I begged to God to stop this terrible sound in my head. But the relentless tinnitus continued without stopping..

The situation was exactly like as the one, as famous Turkish poet once wrote:
A ringing starts in your ears, maddening
Neither the bed sheet understands, nor the pillow...

The only times where I was completely tinnitus free was the shower. I took long showers. I was so happy there, because even my tinnitus was high I was not hearing anything there. Sound of water. The hitting of water droplets was creating a sound which was having all the frequencies and thus creating “white noise.” It was my tinnitus-free haven. It was like a self-harbor for a ship after a long stormy night.

The thought that I will suffer from tinnitus in my whole life, was killing me. I thought I cannot go on. Once, I even thought about committing suicide to end my pain. The sound was so high and I was so desperate.

I felt that I was completely separated from the world. I felt as if I was in another planet!
It was as if I began a life of my own my little planet. When I was going out, I was watching people on the streets, but I felt that I was actually not one of them. It was such a weird feeling.
I knew that all was due to that terrible depression.

Looking back to those horrible days, I can say, without a doubt, that they were the worst days of my entire life.

I was so sad that I could not even watch TV or surf on the net. I stopped seeing my friends. Dating was the last thing I thing in my life. I was basically living at the "survival mode".

Nothing was good, nothing was beautiful, nothing was giving pleasure.

I had always been a person who loved to live alone, but due to depression that was impossible. At the age of 40, I began to stay with my parents, because the loneliness I felt was just unbearable to cope with. I felt much better when I stayed with them.

I was so desperate that one day, I went to my grandfather's graveyard, expecting that his spirit could help me. In my mind I tried to talk with his spirit and requested him to help me.

I imagined that he was blowing to my ear with his breath to heal me. He was whispering to my ear "don't worry, tinnitus will go away".

One day, when my sister visited me, she also brought my niece who was 3 years old. When she was next to me my mother mentioned my ear problem to my niece. And my little sweet niece, hearing that, suddenly got sad and touched my left ear with her little hand, as if trying to heal it. Tinnitus did not stop, of course, but she was so cute when she was doing that, I felt really good!

During my depression I could only read one book. I was Plato’s "Phaedo". In English, it is also known as "On the Soul". It was written about 2400 years ago. In the dialogue, Socrates discusses the nature of the afterlife on his last day before being executed by drinking poisonous hemlock. Socrates explores various arguments for the soul's immortality. I'm not a religious person. But in those desperate days when I was thinking that tinnitus will be with me rest of my life, this greatest philosopher’s views about "immortality of the soul" somehow eased my mind. It seems that my suffering mind finally has found a way to get rid of the tinnitus. Afterlife! A consolation! My tinnitus was so loud that every idea was welcomed by my poor mind! Thank you O Socrates! Even after thousands of years later you could help me.

Mental relief
Days passed. Finally the mental relief came from a psychiatrist. Two drugs he prescribed saved my life: Lustral and Remeron. . I began to overcame the depression soon after I started them. Remeron made me sleep, too. And I had relief when I was sleeping, because I was not hearing anything at all.

Shakespeare knew the best:
And by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to.

Remeron was making me sleep, but there was only one side effect! My appetite developed and I gained weight (about 8 pounds)

During my recovery from the depression, I received enormous amount of support from my parents, my grandmother and my sister. They helped me so much.

Sound-rich environment
I knew that for relief, another key was “masking”. So I tried to create a sound-rich environment as much as possible. I bought a 5+1 sound system at home. It helped me to partially mask the tinnitus sound while watching movies.

One the other hand, an iPhone app called "Sleep Bug" helped me incredibly. (As I said before, when I tried to sleep, music had not help me because I was hearing tinnitus through music.) In that app, there was a "cricket and fireplace" sound, which I found relief when I listened it. Oh crickets, those little creatures; oh their beautiful, blessing sound. That sound helped me so much. While I was listening cricket sound, I could not hear the tinnitus, as two sounds were mixing together. That eased my mind and helped me to fall asleep at night.

And Music... During daylight I was listening music with my ear pods. I found that the sounds of violin and saxophone seems best to mask my tinnitus. Their music was simply cutting the sound. Then I began to listen music from the greatest singers like Sarah Brightman, Enya, Andrea Bocelli. I found out that listening music from beautiful voices were one of the best antitodes to the T. The music was not only masking the tinnitus, but also calming my upset mind.

I also begin to listen more music in two beautiful languages: French and Italian. French has an incredibly "classy" sound and Italian is so "aesthetic" and "melodic". Here, more antidotes to tinnitus!

Black Cat
During my recovery days we became friends with a cat. Yes a big black cat. Upset with tinnitus in my ears, I was walking at the car parking lot under the basement of my apartment. Next to my car, I noticed a fur-scarf on top of the hood of a car. I thought that a woman dropped it there accidentally. I extended my hand to pick it up, but with a big surprise I noticed that the scarf moved! Only afterwards, I realized that in fact it was a big cat with beautiful green eyes. Despite my move she did not run away. After this event I became friends with her and I petted and feed her every time I saw her.

And I noticed one most important fact: My negative thoughts about my tinnitus, but not the tinnitus itself, was making me feel depressed. So the key was my controlling my thoughts.

Within few days, my mind began to adapt to the tinnitus and mentally I felt better. I moved back to my house. I finally managed to back to work after 24 working days.

Present day
My tinnitus is at same level now. It is still high, but I'm not depressed anymore.

As my tinnitus is high, I have to listen music while working in the office.And at home I use tinnitus masking iPhone apps such as "White Noise", "Sleep Bug" and "iSuppress" which give me much relief. When I'm outside at crowded streets I generally don't hear my T. And while I drive, I always listen music.

What I learned
As the saying goes, "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Yes, I'm much STRONGER and WISER now. I've been through that horrible depression. Now I know better what pain, depression and sadness means. I'm now more willing to help others who has any kind of trouble.

I know what it feels to be in agony. Among my friends, I have been always known to be person who is caring and who has very high empathy. But after the tinnitus and depression, I'm now more caring than ever, especially when it comes to people's problems. .

I'm a single man. But I want to marry one day. I know that, if my wife has a poor health or has any psychological problem, I would support her more than I support before I had tinnitus.
I know that in the future, I will be a good husband and a father.

And now I focus on beautiful things in life and try to feel positive. Tinnitus continues, but I feel good now.

I know that one day there will be a cure. And this thought - this beautiful hope - makes me feel much better.

Thank you crickets, thank you green-eyed black cat, thank you O Socrates, thank you my family,
and thank you “hope”...

 

I love this so much, due to this current spike I'm currently really depressed but reading this almost made me tear up, this is so great. So glad you're doing much better man. This post needs to be in the success stories section to be honest.

 

Hello Willie,

I'm happy that you liked what I wrote. But I'm sorry that you feel depressed.
I hope you will be better, soon.. Once again I would like to repeat the statement:
Your negative thoughts about your tinnitus, but not the tinnitus itself, is making you feel depressed.
So the key is to control your thoughts.

 

Thank you for the story. You hit home on so many notes. It has been about three weeks since a loud movie brought on my Tinnitus. I kept hoping that one morning the ringing would be gone, but much to my disappointment it has only grown louder. Primarily in my left ear but slowly but surely has found it's way across to the other. Last night I wanted to listen to crickets so I set my IPad up and plugged in my Bose head phones... without volume check (My 2 year old daughter likes to play ABC games). Ouch! The crickets felt like an amplifier blew up and I tossed the earphones. Anxiety being a huge culprit of T, the ringing became a roar. I am now sitting at my desk freaking out. Coincidentally, as I am typing this, my Coachella Fest tickets arrived via USPS. Not as joyfull of a moment as I was projecting three months ago. Any encouraging words would be helpful.

 

Great post man its very inspiring thank you

 

If you get a chance you should definitely post this is the success stories. It might get lost in the mix of the these sections. This is very inspiring and could help many people.

 

I'm sorry that you feel depressed. You will be O.K. Don't worry please.

First of all, you need to control your thoughts. American psychologist Rollo Reece May gave a simple but very good description of the depression. It is this: "Depression is the inability to construct a future".
Please notice that you feel depressed, because you constantly think what will you do in future while living with the tinnitus. This "focus" is actually a sort of mechanism of the mind. Mind is thinking about it this problem all time. Why? Because it wants a solution. It is urging you to solve it. It is trying to help you, but the side effect is that it makes you depressive.
I know myself, because I had been through those days.

Suggestion: Try to convince your mind that you will be get used to tinnitus sound more and more in time. It is a called "habituation" and it is a fact. Please thought about it as much as you can . On the other hand, please think that a cure will be found in the future. Think about this, too.

Place your depressive thoughts with these good thoughts.
And this will ease your mind and you will feel much better.
And don't feel lonely. We are with you....

 

Much appreciated Ozzy. I keep reminding myself that life is full of challenges with no promises and no matter what, we make mistakes(a little self blame for my T). I am so glad that I found this site and that I am able to communicate with others like yourself. As I felt two days ago... your quote: "I felt that I was completely separated from the world. I felt as if I was in another planet! It was as if I began a life of my own my little planet. When I was going out, I was watching people on the streets, but I felt that I was actually not one of them. It was such a weird feeling." Today I am much stronger and encouraged... what doesn't kill you makes your stronger. It's time to make lemonades out of lemons. Thanks again Ozzy.

 

Nicely written ozzy and a beautiful success story! I'm so glad you are feeling better since the last time we talked.

 

Thank you Ozzy. I really needed to hear this today. Been struggling for 2 months and always good to hear success stories.
I've been dealing with the depression associated with this and I need to remember some of your insights. I know time helps but I don't feel anything like myself anymore, this is a complete life change. I need to remember that it is the negative thoughts, not the tinnitus that causes the depression. I'm not where you are yet, but hope to be someday. Take care of that cat, I have one of my own.

 

You are welcome Joe. I'm happy that I've been helpful to you. Yes, I had been through depression. But not anymore.
Remember, gradually your mind will adapt the condition.

My tinnitus is like a hissing sound and not a constant single-tone.The sound continually changes and it is very difficult to get used to it or habituate. I habituated it somewhat, but I still hear the tinnitus sound in my ear. But more importantly my mind's reaction is now completely different than the one when it first encountered tinnitus. I'm not depressed now. And for you it will be the same. Its just a matter of time..

Try not to worry about it. Remember your mind soon will adapt.
Just help your mind by feeding it with positive thoughts.

 

Thank you ! Yes, I feel much better although volume of the tinnitus is the same.
As time goes, my mind is adapting more and more.

 

That's great news Ozzy - BTW 2 days I had a quick stop between two flights at the Istanbul Airport but unfortunately I had no time to visit the city, just saw it while flying/landing.

 

Thank you !!

Ah sorry to hear, that you did not have time to visit the city.
But I hope next time!

 

I hope so, looked stunning from above keep us/me updated about your habituation, I think it's a great success story!

 

ha ha.. but the traffic is terrible

Of course, I will keep you updated with the habituation. It is taking time..
The tinnitus is still bothering me of course, but I'm not depressed...
I'm waiting for your success story, too

 

Hi Ozgur-
I was re-visiting your story for inspiration. I'm having a rough day, tinnitus seems loud today. I missed initially that you had been prescribed some antibiotics and that is around when it started. I too took some antibiotics right before the onset of this for sinus condition. Do you think that they(antibiotics) just aggravated a condition that already existed?

 

Hello Joe,

Sorry for the late reply. I was away for a while. I hope you are doing fine. About 20 years ago I took antibiotics for the middle-ear infection. Low level tinnitus had started that time. I'm not sure if antibiotics aggravated it. But in December 2012, my low-level tinnitus increased incredibly; and it is still high now.

By the way, in your message you had told that you were having rough day. How are you these days?
I hope soon your mind will adapt. (Sooner or later your mind will adapt better. It is just a matter of time)

 

Ozzy-
Thanks for getting back to me. Some days I do ok and others like today I really struggle. I'm trying some physical therapy for neck and jaw to see if that is related to the tinnitus. To early to tell, but I don't think it will help. It's difficult to think that this is a lifetime thing. I'm almost 3 months into it and it is still rough. My tinnitus seems high now but sometimes it seeems to lower which I am grateful for. The first onset of this was terrible, felt like a chainsaw in my head. It doesn't feel quite that bad anymore, or I am getting a little more used to it. I bookmarked your responses to me about it being a matter of time but I often break down. I don't want to let this affect my wife and 2 kids who are 2 and 5. But it is difficult. I hope to be of help to others the way you are for me and others on this forum. Thank you. Do you ever use any supplements or other therapies, I know you saw a psychiatrist and were given some meds. I'm taking Ativan but have not seen a therapist other than my audiologist who works with tinnitus patients. I'm also using hearing aids with sound generators to ease the pain. I'm troubled but making it.

 

I see a lot of people get T from having an ear infection and getting antibiotics, is it the infection or the antibiotics that does this?

 

This is a beautiful story hit home on a lot of subjects but as you mentioned in your post the one and only thing that keeps me going is hope.The hope that I pray to God that the cure for my T and H is only round the corner....so I could be myself again.Everynight I dream of the old me and I dont say if only I could go back I just say I cant wait for the future.If there is one thing im grateful to T and H for its that it made me a much stronger person in more ways than I can imagine.Before I got this I was a bit of a pushover a shy quiet guy that never stuck up for myself,afraid of confrontation and afraid to stand up for what I believed in.I dont look at this as punishment I look at it as God gave me this to make me stronger.I dont want to be the old me anymore....I just cant wait for the new improved me.

 

Did doctors find anything about your neck and jaw? And do you remember how your tinnitus started?
You wrote about "breaking down". It is so normal. But remember your mind adapt this condition. At first, I thought that it was impossible. But I do know that our brain's reaction will be less and less as time goes by. It's like losing a loved one. First days the pain is too much to cope with. But by time you get used to it.

I did take many supplements. For a brief time I thought that they worked a little bit, I guess. But than I noticed that tinnitus went back to the initial level. For some people some supplements lessen the tinnitus. You can try some of them. But please be careful for your liver. Don't get make your liver poisoned with too much medicine and supplements.
And how are you doing these days?

 

Sorry for the late reply. I think it was due to infection. But I think the stress increased it 20 years later.

 

ah okay, it's wierd how an infection can give you T at least for me, there must be some damage due to the infection which is a shame. stay strong

 

Hi Ozzy.
This is a very uplifting story. Could be mine...
I have high-pitched T in both ears, or better in my head.
Tried white noise, but it doesn't help much.
Best is also listening to crickets or the neuromodulation sounds provided by generalfuzz here on the board. isuppress is also good since it suppresses T.
I am close to my 7th month with T. Still struggling, but trying my best.
Biggest challengefor me is work when you are already under stress by T, tensed and depressed.
Accepting having T and continueing life is hardest part.
Many people here telling it takes time and with 6 months, I am still a "newbie".
So I hope for the better in the future and that I can write my own success story one day.
Take care and thanks for sharing your story with us.
Martin

 

You are welcome.. I'm sure you will have a similar story.

Suffering from tinnitus is just any pain. Time will heal the suffering. Tinnitus may continue to bother you, but you will not be depressed. Your mind will adapt. In the mean time TRY to feel good.

 

Thanks Ozzy.

 

Hello again Joe.
I felt so bad, for replying late to you, earlier. I KNOW quite well, what you are going through in these first months with tinnitus. I had sent you a reply earlier, but you have not send a response.

I really want to know if you are doing fine. I hope you are better now.
Sorry again .. I must have replied to you earlier.

 

My tinnitus seemed to start when I took some anti-biotics and was under a lot of stress. I've tried some physical therapy exercises for neck and jaw but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Somedays I feel I can cope with this and other days
not so good. It also lowers your self esteem and self confidence, so that just adds to the mix of emotions. Not sure if the
supplements do anything. I will take some but not over do it. In a couple weeks it will be about 4 months of dealing with this and still not easy. I feel like everything I do, like going to the dentist or a plane trip makes it worse. But, I am coping
and working my way through it. I just overthink it and focus too much on it. I am using sound generating hearing aids.
Let me know if you get this response, I'm not sure if I post my replies correctly. Hope all is well with you. Joe.

 

4 Months.. Okay. You almost passed the critical period. Give you mind a little more time to adapt more to this condition. Create a "sound-rich" environment around you. Masking is good to calm your mind down.
The key is your thoughts. It's also important to remember that you are not alone. Millions and millions of people have it.
Just try to calm your upset mind. You are gonna make it..