Two Month Update — Things Are Getting Better

Sup, ringers:

As its title would suggest, this post marks two months of having tinnitus. I got it at a nightclub, when I woke up with ringing the next morning. I wouldn't be adding anything new by describing the symptoms--initial hyperacusis (faded after a month-ish), clicking Eustachian tubes, initial ear pain, tonal spikes that happened in both ears, etc.--but the hope here is to at least have another documentation of tinnitus that has changed. Dare I say, it has improved.

It's minor now, and sure, I still check the buzzing all the time, but I have chunks of time where I can focus, I can smile, I can remember that my ridiculous thoughts of ending my life were just that, ridiculous. I had custom earplugs within a couple weeks, and use them on the metro, though not always, and walking through the noisy city where I'm living. I must say that I refused to give of caffeine, and still drink, too.

One thing I can tell you for sure is that nobody will get what you're going through. You can have, like I have had, the greatest friends and bust social support system in the world, but they only can grasp at the complex impediment tinnitus can be. Be honest with them, and the good ones will listen, even if they can't know.

But there is a tendency to reject and ignore, especially if you know the debilitating mental side affects that go along with this thing. I did it for the first month, staying in my bed, never turning the lights on, and listing through the wall as my roommate sung to music in the shower, wishing that were me.

At the suggestion of an artist friend, I went to an art shop. I walked out with some newly purchased pencils and sketchbook. Having been a jock in high school, I had never drawn before, but decided that there wasn't much left to lose. And I instantly loved it. Focusing so much on something visual made me forget about my tinnitus for chunks of time. I thought, maybe I was on to something?

Well, I got a student membership at a fine arts society, and began sketching models every day. My hyperacusis still existed at this point, and I was still insecure about talking to people, or taking my earplugs out, but I did. I forced myself. And over a period of time, I got out of my funk.

I started to stop ignoring calls from friends and family. I realised that people still loved me. Most importantly of all, I realised I was still worthy of love.

This was a long post, but I'm really trying to say that the turning point for me wasn't the mental reaction to tinnitus. It wasn't the sound getting lower. It was when I was forced to dig deep into myself and find something else to believe in. Currently, I have tinnitus in one ear. It's a hiss. There are occasional spikes where my ear become a tone for a few seconds, but really I'm just hearing the sound of an old radiator, which gets louder with loud sound. I can talk to people on the metro now. I no longer cover my ears in lectures with loud profs. Things are getting better.

I really hope this still goes away, but I'm relieved that my life has continued.

Hope this story helped.