Advice Needed - Problem with a Friend

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by citigirl13, Feb 8, 2014.

    1. citigirl13

      citigirl13 Member

      North Yorkshire, England
      Tinnitus Since:
      This has nothing to do with T, but this problem has been bugging me for a few years now and I still have not resolved it. Since people have been so good about T advice, I wonder if anyone can help me with this.

      I was best friends with a girl - I had known her since we were little kids. We were pretty close. But then we went on a school trip looking after children, and with other people around us she kinda made fun of me. You wouldn't really notice it - it took me a lot of reflecting to realise what she was doing - but it bugged me. And looking back I realise that she actually tried to set me up e.g. telling me to ask this boy to sit with us so she would be able to say that I liked him etc. I ignored it and was still loyal to her because we had been friends for years and we had some good times together. I also found out later that she had revealed a secret to other people in school about me which led to kids teasing me about it, leading to bullying, which I kinda still haven't recovered from.

      But then I was in the bathroom and I heard her telling another girl about how I had "snapped" at her. Basically she was talking about me behind my back. I tried to forget about it and still meet up with her, but to be honest I thought: why should I be friends with her? Why am I friends with her? After all, how do I know she isn't saying things about me all the time? Sounds stupid, but I had this notion that we weren't like that - we were loyal to each other.

      So instead of telling her how mad/upset I was with her, I simply backed away. Stopped calling, texting and avoided meeting up with her. This girl is one of these people who always stays in touch, so she keeps texting and trying to meet up. I've broken and met up with her a few times. I get pressure from my dad because as I said, I've known her for years and he saw her as a second daughter. But I've actually begun to hate her.

      Thing is, it still bothers me. She texted me a few days ago and I went into another depression about how upset I was about it and why I can't be friends with her. I am at the point now where I want to stop thinking about this, stop getting upset and angry. So my questions are these:

      1) Should I let go of my anger and forgive? If so, do I need to tell her why I am so upset?

      I can't see her taking it well. If I mentioned the talking behind my back, she's likely to deny it, and where does that leave me? I can't prove it.

      2) Why am I still bothered about this, and how do I let go?

      This problem has been bothering me for years - I'm not exaggerating - so any advice people can give me I would be really grateful. Thanks in advance.
      • Hug Hug x 1
    2. Luca

      Luca Member

      Sometimes you need to call people out on their BS, if they acknowledge, apologize, and change their behavior - all is well.

      If not, don't was your time.

      Guy advice though.
      • Agree Agree x 3
    3. Stina

      Stina Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      I think ignoring works quite will with girls. You can politely text her back and say you are sorry but you have no time. She will realize herself that she has done smth wrong and she will have fear of losing you. However, dont overdo ignoring, because otherwise she will start to have negative feelings.
      I have to say though that if she talks about you behind her back she doesn't seem like a very reliable and good friend so make sure you really want to be friends with this person.
      • Agree Agree x 1
    4. Floyd Mayweather

      Floyd Mayweather Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise exposure or an ear infection, or maybe a combination :(
      From what you written she sounds sly and backstabbing and not a very trusting friend. I say ignore her. A lot of the stress and upset she is causing you sounds mean and unneccesary. Why should you have to go through that? Lots of friends can start off nice and change. They can be nice to your face but they might really be backstabbers. I was in plenty of situations similar to yours. I ignored them and felt it was the best decision. I'd ignore her.
      Good luck.
      • Agree Agree x 1
    5. Grace
      No Mood

      Grace Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Are you really young? If not, Seems childish for an adult let alone a close friend to talk behind your back. You
      Can only ignore it so much so you
      Should just eventually confront her about it if it doesnt stop. Sounds like a scene from mean girls! If a close friend of mine did that, She would probably get slapped but thats just me :) dont let people walk all over you!!!!!
    6. nogood

      nogood Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      If you think someone is back stabbing you. . Avoid telling them anything..move away from slowly. . Keep yourself busy with other things. ..
      If you stepped on a thron.. you should remove it gently. .no use getting angry at it..
    7. Jeff M.

      Jeff M. Member Benefactor

      La Jolla, CA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Oct. 2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      I am with Luca on this (again, dude advice), be direct, say your piece, let her know what's up and release it! You are allowing her to rob you of joy by keeping this bottled up inside you. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. If she truly hurt you, then she needs to know that. How things progress from there is up to her. Get it out and be done with it!!(y)

      Whatever you decide to do, I hope it goes well Citigirl!! Life with T sucks enough without having to deal with other crap! :)
    8. LadyDi

      LadyDi Member Benefactor

      Florida, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Hey @Citigirl, thanks for trusting us enough here at TT to ask this question.

      First, my opinion is only my opinion. I am a lot older than you (probably old enough to be your mom, or maybe even your gram) but I gotta tell you: girls just don't change. Gals can be so catty and mean, even when you get to be as old as I am. I had to break up with a longtime girlfriend recently because of a lot of the stuff that you are talking about: she talked about everyone (including me) behind their backs, was almost always negative, and someone I just couldn't trust or respect any more. She proved it to me over and over. Finally, I walked.

      So my advice:

      * Life is too short to drink bad wine or put up with crummy friends. Someone who isn't honest with you, who does stuff behind your back, and has done it for years, probably isn't worth your time. That doesn't mean she is a bad person. She just isn't a person who is your friend. Time to move on.

      * People who talk nasty about others behind their backs, or who can't keep other people's secrets, are out there doing the exact same thing to you behind your back. Trust me. Is that someone you want in your life? We all only have so much energy. Your friendship is a gift, and you should give it to people who deserve it.

      * I would agree that one should give more consideration to ending a long-term friendship than a short one. But it sounds like she has been a bad friend for a long time. Sometimes, you have to cut the ties even if you have known each other for ages. It can be painful. You are upset because you cared for this person, and it hurts to have your expectations and hopes dashed. It's OK. But be strong and have the courage to stand up for yourself.

      * She is your friend, not your dad's. Your dad is entitled to an opinion. But you are the one who must make the decision. Only you can decide if you can let go of your anger and forgive.

      * Finally: There might be a chance to repair this friendship and start over, if a relationship with her is important to you. But something is critical for a new start: Honesty. On both of your parts. She has been incredibly dishonest and dishonorable to you. Yet you haven't been completely honest, because it sounds like you haven't told her how you feel. Ignoring people and just drifting away is easier. But it gives you no closure, and it gives them no chance to make amends. So I would have a gentle (no accusations or blame-laying) but focused conversation with her. Own your feelings, and use a lot of "I" language ("I feel that I can't trust you, that we don't really have a friendship any more" vs. "You have lied about me and you have been a bad friend." ) If you then truly feel like the friendship is over, that there is no way to repair it, say so (again, gently and with kindness).

      Wow, sorry for the long post. And I just realized that @Luca basically said everything I did -- only much more quickly and clearly. That's men for you! Straight to the point. :)
    9. Mark McDill

      Mark McDill Member Benefactor

      Papillion, NE
      Tinnitus Since:
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Likely stress, anxiety, an antibiotic and nsaids
      So sorry you're hurting; I understand it goes quite deep (a long time friend can really hurt you) and now the wounds keep getting torn open because you feel obligated to meet up with her as if everything was 'ok'.

      I like option number one (let go of anger and forgive) with a bit of a twist. First, out of self respect I would diplomatically (but firmly) confront her with what she has done and how it made you feel and that it is not ok -- while giving her the option to come around. Second, I would let go of the anger and forgive -- for your sake. When you hate someone it ends up hurting you the most (hate is like carrying around a heavy cannon all day long, it will wear you down and do no good).

      As hard as it is to accept right now, if she doesn't come around then what have you lost?

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