Could Use a Friend... Suicidal Thoughts.

Discussion in 'Support' started by st0rch, Nov 24, 2013.

tinnitus forum
    1. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      Hey everyone, this will be my first post after just recently finding this site... I'll try to make it brief. If you have a moment, please read through this. I'm so desperate.

      This year... has been a literal hell for me. I'm 22 years old, and developed severe chronic stomach problems as well as skipped heartbeats while living on my own. I decided to move back in with my parents after 5 years. I rediscovered that my father is an extremely verbally abusive and sometimes evil person, and that my mom is now a very very severe alcoholic, and it's rare to see her sober (she is no longer the same person).

      We found my full blood brother (he was put up for adoption as a baby) on facebook. It was miraculous, he had everything in common with me and I'd never had a brother, better than the lottery... About 2 months after we had met him, he overdosed on Heroine and bled to death from hitting his head. Before he died, I started having EXTREME anxiety and panic attacks out of nowhere, all randomly after waking up one night. An illness I'm afraid will not leave as I don't respond to medicine well.

      My beautiful loving girlfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me after my brother died. Mostly due to anger issues I inherited from my father, but I think a huge part of it was the new found anxiety and panic attacks I had. I miss her every day, and she still tells me she loves me and texts / calls me, making it hard to move on.

      I moved out of my parents house, and am searching for a psychologist for the anxiety, as the one I was seeing made it clear she didn't care if I ever felt better. I told my ex to stop speaking to me so I could move on, and she started saying "but you are the love of my life" and what not... The point is, I was doing everything I could to fix myself after months of anxiety, depression, panic, suicidal thoughts, and an ENORMOUS amount of physical symptoms due to the constant anxiety.

      Yet the universe decided I had not seen enough pain, and after attending a very loud concert with a friend (the first thing I've gone out in done in months), I developed a very high pitched ringing / chirping sound in my left ear. I figured with everything else on my plate, there's no way it wouldn't go away. It has now been 5 days, and after squeezing every bit of information from the web, I've lost any hope this will ever get better unless a cure is found. Maybe I would be able to handle one or two of these life changing problems, but not all of them together. I had hope until the tinnitus struck, and now consider suicide every hour I am awake. I feel these multiple trials are meant to make me kill myself, and that every time I try to find hope for me the universe says "no, you should not feel good... time to cripple you again". I know it's a very short time compared to some of you that have had it years, but I can't say I'm hopeful it will go away, as nothing in my life seems to be good. Anyway, I've called multiple suicide hotlines, and am ready to go. The only thing holding me back is that I can't fathom hurting the ones I love, but I wish they would just let me go...

      Thanks in advance for any kind words or hope you can give me... I remember when I used to be healthy and care free, what I wouldn't give to go back.
       
      • Hug Hug x 7
    2. Sherri786
      Dreaming

      Sherri786 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2013
      Hello Storch am so sorry to hear this. I don't know what else to say but that when I first got t I was very suicidal too, and the t has changed my life in very negative ways.
      Like you I didn't want to kill myself and hurt the loved ones.

      Hang in there buddy......
       
      • Like Like x 4
    3. Sean

      Sean Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      01-01-2011
      I am sorry you are struggling so much . You really have to get professional help. Life is a struggle and every person has to fight few battles in their life.
      Main thing is you don't give up -no matter what.
      Please get professional help ASAP .i promise with proper help from a professional person things will be just fine .
      I have also been through lot in life but life is still beautiful and you can enjoy every bit of it .some times it takes while for things to get better ,but it will .Make a mission now to get a professional help ASAP .
       
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    4. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I appreciate the suggestion, and I'm trying very hard not to give up. I have been to a Gastroenterologist, a psychiatrist, and a psychologist. I was prescribed an SSRI (lexapro) that sent me to the emergency room, and have been afraid of medication since, though I feel anxiety is the root of most of these problems and medication may be necessary.

      The whole tinnitus thing is just really making it hard now. With the level of anxiety I have, it's hard not to panic over it every day. Hopefully it's temporary and will disappear? (it's only been with me for 5 days). I know I probably shouldn't get my hopes up...
       
    5. Karen
      Talkative

      Karen Manager Staff Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador

      Location:
      U.S.
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      First time: Noise 2nd Time: Ototoxic drug
      Hi, Storch, and welcome to Tinnitus Talk.
      I'm so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you've had, and wanted to reach out to you. The first thing you should do is to find a new doctor/counselor who can help you. A good doctor can make all the difference, and help you find ways to cope, whether it is through counseling, or antidepressants, or both.

      Tinnitus can seem like the last straw, because at first it is so overwhelming, and it causes you to feel anxious and depressed. But, as most of us who have had tinnitus for awhile will tell you, it does get better with time.

      I wish you well, and hope you'll make it a high priority to find a good doctor to assist you during this difficult time.

      We care about you, and hope you'll keep in touch, and let us know how you're doing in a few days.

      Stay strong!!
      Karen
       
      • Like Like x 3
    6. Karen
      Talkative

      Karen Manager Staff Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador

      Location:
      U.S.
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      First time: Noise 2nd Time: Ototoxic drug
      Oops! I just posted my comments while you were posting yours.

      Yes, since you've only had the tinnitus for five days, it is quite possible that it will subside, or maybe even go away.

      I can understand your fear of prescription drugs after the bad experience with Lexapro. Others on this forum have tried different drugs, and several have mentioned Remeron. I don't know much about that drug myself.

      Also, there are natural supplements you can try that are naturally calming. Someone recommended holy basil (an herbal supplement) to me in the early days of my tinnitus, and it helped me calm down. Other natural supplements include chamomile tea, reishi mushrooms, and magnesium. You could try experimenting to see if any of these work for you.

      Take care, and please stay in touch with us to let us know how you're doing!
       
      • Like Like x 1
    7. christine kauhane
      Sunshine

      christine kauhane Member

      Location:
      honolulu hawaii
      Tinnitus Since:
      june 9th 2013
      aloha storch ! i have had T for 4 months now and like you we all were where you are now, scared, angry, and just wanted to die rather then live with this sound everyday, but you know what it does get better i'm proof to that and so is the thousands of people here with T, it's soon for you to think you could ever get use to it , but we all did , i sure did i just accepted mine 1 month ago and since then it has played no role in my life no more ! i wont let T bring me down to nothing i have to much to loose and you will be one of us too who over comes this.... hang in there buddy .. MAHALO....
       
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    8. daedalus

      daedalus Member

      Location:
      Brussels
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2007
      Actually, the fact that you have decided to see a therapist is already a sign of recovery. :) Normally a good psychiatrist listens to you and knows you a little bit before prescribing you anything. If possible, having KIND friends you can hang out with helps. Tell your girlfriend you are looking for a solution to be well again. That way she will know you are fighting.

      Hang in there ! You have come to a friendly place !
       
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    9. AnneG
      Cheerful

      AnneG Member

      Location:
      Philippines
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/13
      Hi Buddy! First of all i want you to know you are not alone, we feel your pain and we know exactly what you're going through, Seeing your house as a mockery of your old happy life back, Walking through the street and seeing people and thinking 'Why me? why not them?' That anger you feel, that pain. WE UNDERSTAND! I too almost killed myself when my T started, i just wanted to finish the pain, the sufering. But I thought that would be very selfish of me to kill myself and leave the pain to the people i love. I thought there was no hope, that I'm stuck like this forever. Guess what? I was wrong! i was so wrong! Here i am after 2 months with T and I'm on my way to living the life i used to live before T. Take it day by day knowing that you will get through it! You are not alone! Thousands of people have been there and got themselves out of it. And count me one of them, though i haven't 100% got my self out I'm half way there i know and feel it! My T changes almost everyday which makes it extra harder for me to get used to it, now there's seem to be a low volum ring. But look at me now, i try my best to convince myself that its ok! I don't have to worry because that noise isn't gonna hurt me! Self dialouge and beliefs can impact greatly on Tinnitus. You should try talking to.yourself, convince yourself that you are SAFE! you are gonna be OK! You are not ALONE! Killing yourself would be the last thing you want to do to yourself, Plus Joining TT is a very smart thing to do, people here have LITERALLY saved me from my own death, hahaha. You will get through this rough patch, know that no matter how painful, how heart wrenching this moments are it is just TEMPORARY! You will be happy again! Happiness PREVAILS! Universe BE DAMNED! Please stay strong, if you ever need anyone to talk to message anyone of us! We take strength from each other.

      Bless you <3
      Xoxo
      Anne
       
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    10. attheedgeofscience
      Uninvolved

      attheedgeofscience Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      Childhood
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Head Injury
      For anxiety, I recommend hypnosis. Working with psychologists for anxiety issues is like masking the symptoms. With hypnosis you can get to the bottom of it via regression techniques. You need to find a hypnotherapist and not a hypnotist. Usually after 2-3 sessions you will feel big improvements, and they will continue to last. Once you have been cured with hypnosis, relapse is nearly impossible.

      For tinnitus due to acoustic trauma, there is a slim chance a 7 or 10 day course of Prednisolone could still help you. But you need to start such a course as soon as possible. So you need to see a doctor TODAY.
       
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    11. seal

      seal Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Germany
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2007
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma
      I totally agree with attheedgeofscience - i recently went to an ENT that works at a very well known clinic and he asked me if I had taken cortisone when my T started. So whenever someone gets Tinnitus (even if it's not from noise exposure) in the first days (has to be in the first days) it really is recommended to try cortisone/prednisolone as it might keep the Tinnitus from staying. I wish the doctor I went to first when I got my Tinnitus would have done something or giving me cortisone instead of just sending me away....
       
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    12. Carlo
      Balanced

      Carlo Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Italy
      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2013
      Hi Storch,
      I panicked too the first days. It's normal. The first enemy to win over is the anxiety, and you are on the good way having you been to the doctors. They will help you to sleep better too. About SSRI, they take time to start to work, usually couple of weeks, and in case of anxious-depressive syndrome it's needed to balance with specific drugs targetting anxiety. I totally agree with @attheedgeofscience and @seal; ask your ENT a course of cortisone as soon as possible.
      Take care, and stay in touch
       
      • Like Like x 1
    13. Per

      Per Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2013
      @st0rch,

      You have so much on your plate right now, too much to draw any vast conclusions. You need to sit down and evaluate the challenges one by one, starting with the first. Perhaps T is not the very firsts issue to address right now but your anxiety, cause you wrote you had that even prior to the T. I hope there are opportunities for you to get professional help on a regular basis and not just emergency plans, from what I gather in your first post you need to approach this thing on a long term basis and try to take some action in regards to your living conditions and social changes etc. T is like a drop of highly potent lighter fluid on top of all your other problems, it can really ignite everything, making it so much harder to see straight. Unfortunately T thrives in a stressful situation so you must calm down, if that means taking medications then fine.

      Stay with us bud and tell us how this evolves day by day. We know T and how it works, often much better than doctors even. Don't be surprised if you don't find any medical staff that knows T, even ENT docs are low on T knowledge. Read posts, be calm and educate yourself, and most importantly don't do anything that could hurt yourself in this situation. You really need to get a perspective and sort out the other things that are going on in your life right now, THEN you can start to deal with the T. There's a lot to read and many things to consider, so first things first. There's always someone to catch your post here on TT and we are located all around the world, the time difference allows you to get response even on odd hours. The main thing is that someone will always respond, also remember that T will NEVER hurt you in any physical manner, it's a phantom noise circulating in your auditory system. Although there are several theories on how/what/where/when etc most people agree that stress is something that should be dealt with in order to try and grasp the condition by the horns so to speak.
       
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    14. Lulubug69
      Artistic

      Lulubug69 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      9/2013
      Storch,
      Please hang on. Anxiety is the one thing that can begin to take over. I think most of us have experienced it, especially in the early stages of our T. I'm almost 2 months in. I, like you have sensitivities to medications. I faced the anxiety first. I went to my Nurse Practitioner first. She is someone I trusted and knows me very well. She recommended an herbal remedy that has helped me tremendously. There are things you can try and things you can do that do not effect you in negative ways, like (some) anti-depressants can. There are a lot of suggestions here that you may find doable, even medications that others may suggest. Finding what works for you is key. Getting anxiety under control is a good first step. Finding someone who listens to you and that you trust is number 1. Finding ways to mask the T can give you a chance for peace. Music, sound machines, while noise, pink noise apps on your cell phone can help. Some of us keep our environments noise rich. Not blasting obviously, but enough to match the T. Gives you a sense if turning it off if even for a moment. Hang in there, this is a great place to get additional support.
       
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    15. gary
      Transparent

      gary Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Macomb, MI. USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2012
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Who Knows
      Storch, you have gotten some very good advice here. I can only add that T & panic attacks will not kill you, keep telling yourself this. I know it is not easy, I have been down that road with panic attacks when I was younger than you. I found a good psychologist, talking it out with him really helped me with the anxiety. He brought out issuse I did not even know I had.

      You can also ask the psychologist to recommend a psychiatrist for meds to calm down your anxiety & T

      Hang Tough & keep posting. We are open 24/7
       
      • Like Like x 1
    16. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      From what I've read about Cortisone & Tinnitus, it sounds like it would be used for infections as it reduces inflamation & swelling. Would this be of benefit to me if I has loud noise induced (concert) tinnitus? Also if anyone can explain why I'd love to know...

      The concert that initiated my Tinnitus was last Monday night, and it is now Sunday. I see an ENT specialist tomorrow, so it will be officially a week since the event occured (though I didn't notice it until the day after). Would it be too late at this point? Also, are they injections, or oral tablets?

      I really appreciate everyone that has responded. It's no secret im in a very dark place and feel very alone. I don't know any of you, but the time you have taken to respond is extremely kind, I owe you all the same!
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    17. attheedgeofscience
      Uninvolved

      attheedgeofscience Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      Childhood
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Head Injury
      Steroids can be given intravenously or as pills, or both. Usually in Europe, it is done as a taper, but in the USA, it is often done with equal daily doses (eg. 60 mg per day for 10 days). Since you are already "late", you need to go see a doctor TODAY (if need be at the emergency ward), and I recommend that you have your first dose as an injection (as it is faster acting). The doctor may say that it is too late - in which case I would not pursue the idea further (there are side effects - so only do it if the doctor believes it can still help you).

      Do not worry about why it works and for what reasons. Of all tinnitus causes, steroids are best for tinnitus caused by acoustic trauma.
       
    18. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma

      So at 6 days I'm already too late? I work all day and late into the night tonight :(
       
    19. Lulubug69
      Artistic

      Lulubug69 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      9/2013
      I think that they meant the earlier the better. I had been on several meds (head cold) at the time T showed up for me. I was put on steroids and antibiotic. It didn't do anything for me unfortunately. But I believe my T was caused by the Advil, Sudafed that I was taking, or from the virus that caused my head cold. They just gave me antibiotics and steroids as an added bonus when I told them T had started in hopes it would reduce inflammation and take care if any infection in the eustachian tubes. Neither of which changed anything. But I would have still taken them as a precaution even in your situation.
       
    20. attheedgeofscience
      Uninvolved

      attheedgeofscience Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      Childhood
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Head Injury
      The sooner, the better. There is probably no official guideline for acoustic trauma, but the sooner, the better (24/48 hours after onset is recommended).

      I suggest you go by the emergency ward on your way to work; have a discussion with the doctor who is present - tell him or her what you know from this forum, and see what he/she recommends. Tell your employer you are going to be late, but that you will come in later.

      I wish you well.
       
    21. Carlo
      Balanced

      Carlo Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Italy
      Tinnitus Since:
      07/2013
      Storch,
      I recommend a course of cortisone injections, as soon as possible. Bear in mind that the drug can affect your sleep, so talk to the doctor to balance it, in case!
       
    22. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I know it's a shot in the dark... Is there still a chance this could go away within the first month? It's been 6 days officially as of today. I keep asking everyone I know, and many people say they suffered for weeks and eventually it just disappeared. I'm a naturally anxious person, so I will worry about this until there really is no hope anymore.

      But is it a possibility that my ears could recover (I know the hairs don't recover, but how is it possible that Tinnitus disappears in some people, other than cognitively)? I see the ENT today and will ask him about the injections as well.
       
    23. Misery
      Happy

      Misery Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      October 26, 2013
      Don't ever give up hope. I had T for months 15+ years ago after spending too many hours in a noisy club. It drove me batty, but eventually went away. Looking back, I don't really know if I just habituated to it so well I never heard it anymore or if it truly went away. Either way, it became a nonissue. I have T again after being too close to the stage for a concert, but I also was diagnosed with a sinus infection. So I can't be sure of the true cause. This began at the end of October. It already seems to be getting better for me.

      I'm wishing the same for you... :huganimation:
       
      • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    24. object16
      Magical

      object16 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      your tinnitus will actually get better with time - every day for me is a struggle, but also when I look back to 3 months ago, I was also ready to pack it in, but I didn't, and good thing, because now 3 months have gone by, and I am slowly getting more able to deal with the tinnitus, and it has slightly improved, and not as intrusive - it is still really bad, but it was a lot worse before, so while every day is a struggle, gradually bit by bit you will get improvements, so I suggest to not do anything rash. even though it may not seem like you are getting better from day to day, over the course of months you will, and months then turn to several months, and that then turns to years. Make sure you do not expose yourself to any loud noise that will make the tinnitus worse.
       
      • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    25. Dr. Ancill

      Dr. Ancill Member Clinician

      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2013
      This is all about loss of control and you should seek professional help in dealing with that. Anti-anxiety medications are also important and knowing you you have something to take when you panic, often itself will calm you down. As i write this, I am aware of my tinnitus - an intrusive high-pitched hissing in both ears but 'it is only tinnitus' and it won't kill me. I have learned to use masking sounds when I get fed up with it and am working towards long term habituation. In at least 50% of cases, the tinnitus will reduce or even go away in time.
       
      • Like Like x 1
    26. Srdjan
      Inspired

      Srdjan Member

      Location:
      Belgrade/SERBIA
      Tinnitus Since:
      early 2014 - summer 2014
      How are you st0rch, feeling better, accustomated?
      For the past few days I have been in the same place like you, but feeling better today (thanks to this forum I ran into during my agonies internet surfing about Tinnitus).
       
    27. michela
      Dramaqueen

      michela Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2013
      yes, i too want to know, how are you now storch?
       
    28. I know exactly how you feel. I hope you are o.k.
       
    29. Mark McDill
      Curious

      Mark McDill Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Papillion, NE
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Likely stress, anxiety, an antibiotic and nsaids

      StOrch
      Welcome to the group and thank you for letting us know what is going on in your life; I will be praying for you. T hits everyone hard; I'm 50 and I recall a couple of days of suicidal thoughts (and I don't have nearly as much on my plate as you do). That being said, T is no reason to commit suicide -- it gets better.

      I'll be straight forward with you, I'm a christian and when my T hit (hard) I finally learned to rest in the Lord; that means giving up all my anxiety/depression/cares (the heavy load this world/life can put on you). But that takes time (no instant remedy). God is the creator and lover of your soul; turn to Him, and learn to rest.

      Again, I have you in my prayers; you are too important/valuable to consider ending it all.

      Mark
       
      • Like Like x 2
    30. mikey13
      Mellow

      mikey13 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2/ 2014
      Yes, listen to everyone else - do NOT do it! Your life,any life,is always worth something. You're being tested now,as unfair as it is,but you WILL emerge a stronger person.

      T. will get better with time,either through healing or habituation. But it can be a slow process,but it WILL happen eventually.
       
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