Family Conflicts — Not Such a Merry Christmas

It's not been such a Merry Christmas in our house.

It started well enough. But since the Christmas holidays started our teenage daughter has been becoming more and more difficult, disappearing into her own online world and being very rude and disrespectful when asked to take part in family life. This culminated in a massive row on Christmas day when first my wife and then myself lost our tempers with her. The stress of having to watch a noisy overly jolly TV show after spending the whole day together proved too much for me.

We'd been having a better year with her this year than last year. She's turned 13 and seemed to have been getting over her awkward tween stage. She's been back to her old self again, being funny, curious, happy and generally great to have around. All that went out the window on Christmas day.

I've always had problems with my anger and mood. Probably influenced by the negative examples set by my own parents. I've been taking St John's Wort and Kalms (Valerian) which helps. But kids/teens and tinnitus can still push me to my breaking point.

My wife just slammed a door on purpose to register her displeasure with me. I probably deserved it.

Just spending today quietly doing my own thing but I know I have a lot of work to restore relationships with my family.

 

If you think you deserved it then just tell them that and that if you pissed them off then you're sorry.
Life is tough, it's 100X more so with fricken tinnitus. Good luck.

 

My brother is going through the exact same with his 13-year old step-daughter. He's finding it hard to keep calm too.

Whatever, and I know it's none of my business, nevermind how bad things get with her never put her on medication, e.g., ADs or anything really. That will mess a kid up for life.

 

Don't worry it's likely to be me that ends up on the meds. Again!

My daughter has been diagnosed with mild Tourette's which can be difficult to manage. I don't think she will need meds for it though. My wife happens to be an adolescent psychiatrist so we surely ought to be able to make it through.

 

Nothing against your wife, but please don't get me started on psychiatrists...!! I've seen two in my life, and they were the biggest waste of money ever.

 

IMHO we have become too influenced by media driven false perceptions of a ‘happy family’. All families have their good and difficult times and adolescents most certainly lead to many rough passages. Unless you feel your situation is truly extreme I’d recommend chalking it up to a child stretching into scary realms of adulthood. If your own adolescence was smooth you would be the outlier. Those are tough years for most of us humans....... and personally I’d be terrified to be among today’s youth. Together with your wife define the household boundaries and make them flexible to some degree. Just work to keep your daughter moving generally in a positive direction accepting the sundry setbacks along the way. Plan on lots of groans, smiles and some tears. This is what makes a family, a family. It is not easy, nor simple.

 

For anyone wondering, just to say all is well again. My wife took my daughter shopping next day and had a heart-to-heart with her. The following day during a trip to granny's house I got my sweet baby girl back again.

 

I sometimes think there is so much riding on Christmas Day, the big summer vacation etc. It can take a few days to really settle into it. Especially when you've got people in the household working right up until Christmas Eve.

If you're lucky enough to get a longer stretch to relax into it though, then every day is like Sunday, and you all start to chill. Hope everyone is getting some rest, fun family times or just some quality "me time" this season!

 

So sorry to hear this, Muso. My holidays were stressful but fine.

No. She may have been justifiably angry, but twisting a knife in someone's chronic wound is never okay. We probably all do things in moments of anger which we shouldn't, and forgiving is great, but you should not blame yourself.

Despite less traumatic settings I came out of my own holiday travel with some of the same feelings. The good news is, really shitty families don't have these problems because they don't have relationships they care about in the way we're talking about here.

I am very glad to hear that things have improved, have a happy new year!!

 

Lovely to hear this, Mister Muso. Your sweet baby girl loves you as much as you love her, I'm sure.

 

Have you tried limiting her online time?