Feeling Desperate and Very Sad

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Thorbamse, Oct 2, 2015.

tinnitus forum
    1. Thorbamse
      Doh

      Thorbamse Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      1996 - 08/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress/loud noise exposure
      Hi everyone

      My name is Thor, i'm 38 years old and i'm feeling desperate about my T. I'm not really a newbie as such, as I have had a weak hissing noise in both ears since I was 19 and a soft music-like ringing in both ears that was only noticeable at night. These sounds I was perfectly adapted to as they were of very low volume and I didn't notice them at all during daytime, not even in very quiet rooms (if I really, really listend carefully then I could manage to detect but not otherwise)

      Fast forward 19 years. I've had a very rough year stress and anxiety wise. In august 2014 I began experiencing severe problems with my knees, my job has given me a hell of a lot of trouble, my mother has had a knee replacement that went wrong plus a broken foot and she still struggles with both, my father who has asbergers is getting more and more confused and my mother struggles with this, I had a baby boy in march '14 that thank god is healthy and happy but is also a handfull and we moved to a new appartment which was very stressfull.

      To top this in january 2015 I began to have experience strange symptoms on my tongue which felt like it was made of sand and it began to be very painfull to speak, because the tip of the tounge felt like it was burning. This condition freaked me out and made my stress levels rise even more, as i've had countless visits to ENT's and neurologists, have had about 20 blood samples taken and still they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

      In july the tongue symptoms began to back off just a bit, so I was feeling a little better, but my job situation and my mothers condition still troubled me a lot. On august 1st, I decided to attend some open air concerts with a couple of friends. This was the worst decision ever made, and it tortures me to this very moment. Due to my slight ringing in the ears that i've had for such a long time, I have for the last almost 20 years taken great pride in using earplugs at EVERY concert I attended even though my friends never did. I have played in bands beforehand and worked as a deejay for a number of years, but I almost always managed to use earplugs or in some other way stay somewhat protected from the loudest of noise. I stopped playing live and as a deejay in 2011 and had my hearing checked, and to my surprise found out, that it was in fact very good and my slight "hissing" had not changed at all in 15 years. So far so good.

      But this summer night in august changed things for the worse. As I approched the area where the concerts were held, my stress suddently spiked a lot. I didn't really fell like going, my heart started pounding and I became very anxious, I should've listend to myself and turned around but I didn't.

      I got into concert area and met up with my friends and even though my stress level was still high I seemed to manage. The first concert I attended I was standing at the edge of the tent, the sound wasn't louder than I could perfectly well speak to my friend in a normal voice level. The next concert we moved further into the tent and as I found the sound level to be quite high I plugged my ears, my friends didn't even though I urgede them to.

      Afterwards one of my friends began to buy me a lot of draft beer, and as I hadn't had very much to eat I became very drunk. We went over to the open stage to attend another 2 concerts, but as I was very drunk I completely forgot about my earplugs. Well, truth be told, I wasn't completely out of my senses as my friend wanted to go way upfront close to the speakers but I told him I wanted to stay at leat 50 meters from stage as the sound would be better. At the time my intoxicated senses told me the sound wasn't very loud, as again I could talk to my friea in a raised voice, I guess it would be around the 90 decibel mark, but then again I was drunk. We enjoyed the music very much and I even had some breaks from the concert going to get new beers.

      After about an hour and a half, I suddenly remembered my earplugs and cursed myself for breaking my cardinal rule of almost 20 years; never ever attend a concert without using earplugs. My stress levels exploded and I immidiately plugged my ears. I noticed a very slight humming noise in my left ear and my anxiety went through the roof. I stayed for another two concerts but didn't realy enjoy them as I was way to stressed out. On the way home in the bus I was almost breaking into tears and went into bed, the humming noise still there.

      The day after me and my girlfriend held a birthday party for me and my mother, but it was a hellish day as my stress level as very serious. During the day the hum in my left ear subsided completely and I found some relief but that only lasted until I went to bed that night. I noticed that the slight"tape hiss" that i've had in my ears for years had ramped up considerably. It was now way louder than before, and rellay began interferring with my sleep. I can now register it during daytime and some times it changes tone to a high pitched ringing, but not always.

      My life now is utter hell. Even though it has now been over 8 weeks there is no bettering in symptoms and I still have severe trouble sleeping, as the noise keeps me awake when I wake up in the night, which I do a lot due to my stress. I've already had multiple counselling with a psychologist specialising in tinnitus, been to a ENT, been to acupuncture, been seeing a lot of other professionals and most of them tell me that the sound level I was exposed to for such a short duration of time wouldn't cause any permanent damage and it is more likely connected to my ongoing severe stress levels. I had my hearing checked, its still perfect but symptoms are still keep going. I now am very stressed out, every morning is suffering. Is this spike going to last forever? Is it a spike or a permanent increase? I can't stand it. I can no longer take a nap, when I try to relax in the evening and I tire the sound increases dramatically in volume.

      I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty because I forgot my earplugs once in 20 years time and the concert wasn't even very loud and now I have to suffer this for the rest of my damn life? I've had suicidal thoughts.. but the I feel guilty over having them because I love my girlfriend and my little son so much. But I can't go down that road, I can't let the ones closests suffer more than they already do because of my mistakes.

      I have to continue. I have sleept poorly for 8 weeks straight. Sleeping pills doesn't really do the trick as the only knock me out and do not keep me asleep for the duration of the night plus they give me a huge hangover. I feel so sad, so guilty. Guilty over not being able to be the happy partner to my girlfriend that I was only 8 weeks ago, guilty over having her experience this, guilty over maybe not being able to be the happy father for my son that I could've been. I feel guilty all the time. I cry often, especially when I look at a picture I have of my son at 3 months old sitting on my working desk. Things I used to do doesn't give me any joy anymore. I'm never in a happy mental state, neutral at best. It's so sad that it's almost unbearable.

      As I said I have already gotten a lot of from different professionals but it only works to highten my mood for a very short period of time, then I plummet into darkness once again. I don't know what to do. I feel i'm struggeling and struggeling and struggeling but getting nowhere and the perspective of having this increased T and sleep deprivation for the duration of my life seems like something I can't handle. Life could have been so great for me now, but then increased T came along and messed it all up. I can't understand how such a fairly short concert at a fairly low volume could mess me up so badly?

      I don't know what to do. I'm desperate. My GP has suggested anti depression medication, but I won't take it, because i'm afraid it will increae my T further, which would surely kill me completly.

      I feel so alone. Please some one give me a couple of words of encouragement. I'm not even looking for a cure I just wan't my T to back off just little bit, maybe to the levels it had before or a little higher.

      Thanks for reading this insanely long post
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    2. Lorenzo74
      Mellow

      Lorenzo74 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Italy
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2013
      Hey @Thorbamse

      I am sorry about your situation, and it seems you have had too much on your plate all at once, and adding the concerts and the anxiety they brought, you probably had to let go emotionally and this maybe made your T feel louder..

      I feel it is just the anxiety and the guilt that spiked your T, and once you are able to control those emotions you will probably go back to normal level...

      Forgive yourself for that mistake and concentrate on the good stuff in your life, like your baby and your partner..
      I don't know if you ever meditate but it can be a very powerful tool in order to accept things and let go... You have to "embrace" the sound and let it flow through you so that it won't feel as a menace as much...

      If you are so desperate about it all, well maybe a little anti depressant could only help you to get back on the right road, tame your negative emotions and help you rest a bit.. Then you will be more centered to fight it all off... I don't know I have never taken antidepressant in my life so I can't really say.. But I feel that whatever can help us through when in need it should be done...

      Best of luck and keep strong...

      Take care
       
    3. Gosia
      Balanced

      Gosia Member

      Location:
      France
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      earplugs/ hearing loss
      By the number of times you use the word 'stress' it seems pretty obvious to me where the core of the problem is. Maybe it wasn't at all the noise itself that messed you up but the fact that you freaked out already before and during the concert and you somehow suggested the wrong way to your brain. If you did not get further damage to your hearing it may still subside but only if you pull yourself together and change the way of thinking yo a bit less catastrophic. Is your T catastrophic ? You don't write that so I assume it's not. I'd say at this point the bigger problem is your attitude. T sucks, we all suffer but life is not that bad if you have your loving family. You can't sleep because you're still in the panic mode. I know it's hard but you won't progress until you accept the situation. It is what it is. Stop thinking about the past and focus on the future because it can very probably get better. Unfortunately, all the doctors can do is give you pills. IF you don't want them, which I understand and support, you will have to find the strength in you. Nobody else will do it for you. Read some success stories here and some catastrophic stories - both may make you think your situation is really not as bad as it seems to you now.
       
      • Like Like x 1
    4. Gosia
      Balanced

      Gosia Member

      Location:
      France
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      earplugs/ hearing loss
      I read somewhere that until depression is not dealt with, T will not subside ..I'd agree with that. You will get better in time because you don't really have a choice . But mostly assume it will go back to baseline and treat the passing days as a temporary period you just have to go through waiting for the normality. 3 months of spike after the concert can be a normal thing. But really, you need to let go a bit . Remember how big is the role of psyche in T . You may find that as soon as you feel happier for other reasons, it will already subside a bit.
       
      • Like Like x 2
    5. Thorbamse
      Doh

      Thorbamse Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      1996 - 08/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress/loud noise exposure
      Hi Gosia

      Thanks very much for leaving a reply, I sure feels god that members in here actually read your posts and take the time to answer. I do agree with what you're saying, I really don't know about my T though.. might be stress related, but as far as I know there've been ongoing discussions and debate both on this forum and among tinnitus experts whether stress can cause T or not. I really don't know, it's a very tricky syndrome, I really, really hope it will subside, if not at all then just a little.
      As far as damage to my hearing I don't know if I had some to begin with. A lot of members talk about "hidden" hearing damage, but to my knowledge my hearing is fine, even after the concert. Had it tested twice came out perfect on a normal audiogram, did another test on higher frequency, I can hear up to about 15000 and the some hz if the volume is cranked up a little, which for my age group is within normal range. But you can be perfectly sure that i'm being very careful about loud noise at the moment and in the future, although I don't use earplugs all the time, as that won't do me any good.
      You're absolutely right that I need to change my way of thinking, but it's really hard to do, as the T on top of all the other shit has really gotten to me in a very bad way. I don' t know if my t is catastrophic, I haven't written so because I don't know. What is catastrophic T? Since it's such a subjective and individual experience, I guess T that's fairly moderate to some could be of enormous magnitude to others. But I can tell you that I find it extremely disturbing, and it's influence on my sleeping pattern, ability to relax and stress levels are damn near catastrophic at the moment.

      How is it compared to other peoples T? Again I don't know. Its hard to describe it; it's like my brain is boiling non stop, it would classify it as sounding like a severe headache with sound, a metallic whining that does frequent and multiple smaller spikes lasting from a few seconds to several minutes and they are extremely unpleasant. At night it converts to very loud and menacing "tape hiss" that easily keeps me awake for hours on end. If I have a "good" T day at lot of activities and sounds will mask it, but all of a sudden the metallic brain-boiling will be heard over just about everything, and it can be very hard to find relief, as music and white noise (rainfall) will have to be played at very high volume in headphones to mask it, and then the masking will be even more disturbing than the T itself.

      I try to accept the situation, but the thought alone of never being able to go to bed again and just relax and fall asleep as I was able to do with ease just a couple of months ago scares med immensely and I worry a lot about the effect the influence of T will have on my family in the future. But I try to think positive thoughts, even though it doesn't sound like it in my first post, I know. It's not really a question of me wanting the pills or not. I'm in no way an opponent of using anti depressants, the only reason i'm not starting up is because i'm afraid they will increase my T, I can under no circumstances let that happen, I'll have to try to find the inner strength needed. I have read plenty of horror- and success stories already but again, my T might be a minute detail to others if they could try it out for a day or two, but it's a big deal to me. But I do hope I can become a success story at some point.
      Thanks again for replying

      Take care, all the best

      Regards, Thor
       
    6. Thorbamse
      Doh

      Thorbamse Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      1996 - 08/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress/loud noise exposure
      Hi Lorenzo

      Sorry it took such a long time to answer. Thanks for the kind words, I really, really hope that my T will somehow subside just a bit, but I won't get my hopes up, as I don't think it has changed at all since august 1.

      I try to focus on my family and all the good stuff thats going on, but its so damn hard, when my guilt over going to that concert and making such a gross misjudgement regarding the sound level where I was standing is tearing me apart.

      I have thought about meditation and I will probably look into it very soon, hopefully it can help a little bit.

      The only reason I don't want to try anti-depressants is because i'm afraid it will increase my T further, that can't happen under any circumstances. I just read today that AUT00063 maybe has failed.. what a bummer. I know this was probably the only hope for a lot of people with chronic T and maybe a possible treatment for me in the future too. That news kindda broke my heart.

      Anyway, thanks a lot for replying, it's good to know people actually care :)
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    7. RonT

      RonT Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      4 months
      Hi Thorbamse
      I just read your story and feel very sorry for you that things are not going well.
      I noticed you mentioned a burning feeling on your tongue , did they check your vitamin b12 levels?
      a short of b12 can give many complaints as you can read of the symptomslists on the net.
      Take care!
       
      • Like Like x 1
    8. Thorbamse
      Doh

      Thorbamse Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      1996 - 08/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress/loud noise exposure
      Hi RonT

      Actually my B12 levels were a little low when checked, but nothing to serious, and actually my tongue problems has subsided, so thats good news. But I would take 10 times the tongue issues if my f****ng T would just tone down a little bit. I hate that T. To think that I have been DJ'ing and concert attending for 20 years and avoided T because I was fairly careful and then one, 1(!) stupid concert that wasn't even that loud messes it all up for me. It's unbearable to think of.
      But I sincerely hope you are doing well. If not for everything else, I think my T experience has made me a much more compassionate human being. Not that I wasn't compassionate to begin with, but now I can identify with other peoples suffering a lot better than before.

      Best wishes
       
    9. glynis-harbron
      Feminine

      glynis-harbron Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Awareness Team Research

      Location:
      England, Stoke-on-Trent
      Tinnitus Since:
      2004
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Meniere's Disease
      Hi Thor,
      I have just read your story and I hope I can give you some encouraging support .
      Has your doctor tried steroid tablets to help settle any inflammation for you in your ears ?
      ENT can also perform steroid injections in to your ears through your ear drum so worth asking about it.
      There are Anti depressants that are a slow release one that minimise side effects and can help you a great deal in lifting your mood and as they build up in your system you will start to find your smile again.

      I was once that sad withdrawn teary eyed person looking back in the mirror .Bilateral tinnitus that's very loud and never stops and Menieres.
      I got through it over time and became a strong person full of confidence and now wear hearing aids with masker settings in them.

      I devoted my life to supporting people with tinnitus for nearly 5 years now on the BTA forum and by phone and run a support group with another lady and now help on this forum and by phone also on here.

      You will get your self back to a better place,I promise you so don't feel afraid to take medication as it will help you with talking therapy too.
      Happy talk on the phone to you if in the UK....lots of love glynis
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    10. Jose0964
      Daring

      Jose0964 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      8/2015
      Hello im new to this T thing i only have 2 months of tinnitus but from my expiriense anxiety and stress does make your T soooo much worst! So maybe walk alittle or do some kind of hobby that distracts you from the T that is the best u can do

      Remember the brain is a powerfull thing, u know how there are crikets outside making lots of noise every night right, do u hear them all the time? No right? That is the same with T ur brain will get used to it no mater how high it it and u will be able to ignore it at some points during the day

      (Sorry for my bad english)
       
      • Like Like x 2
    11. Thorbamse
      Doh

      Thorbamse Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      1996 - 08/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress/loud noise exposure
      Hi Glynis

      Thanks for your reply and sorry for the late response, i've been abroad for a week and didn't have time to answer. Initially I would really have liked to have gotten some more help from my ENT, including maybe steroid injections, but as far as I know such treatment is unobtainable here in Denmark, at least I haven't heard of any ENT's offering this treatment, which in my humble oppinion is fairly stupid, as I recall that attheedgeofscience on several occasions have referred to the potential benefits of this kind of treatment early on.
      I really would like to take a mild anti-depressant, but i'm so scared of increasing the symptoms, that it's not really an option, as far as I know every anti-depressant i've read about lists tinnitus as a common side effect.
      I really hope I can get back to being just partially like I was before, but my horrible right ear won't let me. I'm so scared and angry at this damn T that won't settle down..
      I'm glad to hear that you support peole with tinnitus via BTA, thats just great. A sincere thank you for doing so, it's really needed.
      Unfortunately I live in Denmark, so conversations by phone would be rather expensive but who knows, if I get desperate enough you might be the right person to help me through.

      Best wishes
       
      • Like Like x 1
    12. Thorbamse
      Doh

      Thorbamse Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      1996 - 08/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Stress/loud noise exposure
      Hi Jose

      No need to be sorry, your english is just fine and it's not english class anyway :) Yes, I guess stress and anxiety play a big role, the thing is I don't know if my T is massively spiking or has in fact been increased and to what extent stress plays a role in its new form. I used to have plenty of hobbies, the thing is, I don't really have the same interest in them nowadays.. its like things don't have the same value anymore, which breaks my heart, as I used to be a very lively and engaged person.
      I really hope you're right about the getting used to, otherwise I really don't know what I would do. The thing thats very sad about T and keep busy/distracted is, that even though it keeps the mind of T it also turns you into a person that is constantly "on the run" so to speak. You have to keep going all the time, otherwise the T will catch up with you. The mere thought of keeping busy all the time for the rest of my life makes me want to jump off a cliff. Right now, sitting at my working desk I come to think about how much I used to love taking a nap and sleeping for long periods on weekends. Those things are over and done with by now, and I may never be able to do that again. It brings tears to my eyes. Naps and prolonged sleep used to be how I managed stress and troublesome things, I guess not anymore.

      Thanks for replying btw, best wishes
       

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