Five Months In. Reflections on the Up-and-Down Process of Habituation.

So I thought I would give a little update, five months on the not-especially-fun rollercoaster. Apologies for the wall of text; I'm using this to vent just as much as everything else!

I've divided things into categories to give as holistic a view into adapting to life with tinnitus as possible. Starting with:

School 8/10: Struggled a lot with concentrating on lectures, not so much because of the ringing, but because of my fear of not being able to monitor it during lectures, which made me panic a lot. Not so much of a problem now, and my grades have been excellent. I actually enjoy the process of writing a lot more now because I lose track of the tinnitus when I'm working on something.

Health 5/10: I went through a period where I basically stopped going to the gym for fear of spikes. I've since started going again (with plugs), no effect on tinnitus. I would prefer to be more consistent, but that will come with time. I've managed to regain most of the weight I lost in the initial panic stage.

Relationships 2-3/10: Yeah...so my girlfriend dumped me, and that was awful...obviously. I'm still struggling to get over the feelings of anger/longing from what for me was a bad breakup. Tinnitus did play a factor, as it made me withdraw inward, and away from playing music, lifting, and all the things that I took pride in doing.

I hadn't felt myself in recent months, and became too emotionally dependent on my girlfriend (overly needy, anxious, and hard to be around). That's not to say our relationship would have been perfect if I hadn't got tinnitus, or that she and I were a perfect match either, but whatever way I look at it the prognosis would have been better if tinnitus hadn't come into the picture.

One positive thing to come out of this breakup was that I was able to channel it into making music, and I've just released a song I'm really proud of that wouldn't have come about were it not for this situation. I'm currently in the process of making a video for it, too.

Cheeky self-promotion, but you can listen to the song on spotify at this link:


My next goal is to start being more social and making more of an effort to engage with new people. It's a chore sometimes, but it's pretty hard to think about tinnitus when you're talking to someone.

I've also learned through this experience how important it is to have good friends who know you well that you can lean on and are happy to put up with you dumping your baggage on them.

Channelling all my frustrations into creating has been a real life-saver, and I would highly recommend diving into hobbies for those of you who are struggling.

Mental: 4/10 (but improving): This has been very up and down. I'm a pretty emotional fella, and tend to think with my emotions. When my tinnitus is bad, I convince myself that I simply won't be able to cope, I might go mad, or it'll just keep getting worse, etc. I've since learned through CBT and meditation that our thoughts get blinded by our emotions, especially if you're going through something as upsetting as a spike.

Every negative thought "feels" true when you are upset, but that doesn't mean they are. Trying to observe my thoughts when I'm upset, picking them apart logically and identifying "emotional thinking" has made it easier to deal with the bad times.

E.g. I'll never be able to cope with this ringing." (emotional thought)

Logical reflection: "Never" implies I know what the future holds. While I can't predict it, I know most people with tinnitus do learn to cope, I just feel as though I can't right now."

Reframe: "I'm struggling right now, but that feeling will pass eventually."

What's important is that you don't let your negative emotions/thoughts define you, and keep pushing forward until they pass - you'll be proud of yourself when they do.

There's an excellent CBT app called "woebot" that I've been using extensively to help with this practice. It's weird talking to a bot, but it's working for me.


Coping with tinnitus itself 4/10 (depends on the day, but heading in the right direction):

Up and down. There have been quieter days and louder ones. Had some spikes that dropped down, but scared the absolute shit out of me.

I had a run of good weeks last month, and there were periods of the day where I completely forgot about tinnitus. Then last week, out of the blue, I developed a couple of new, high-pitched tones that are harder to ignore than the base ringing. This was devestating, and came at a time of high stress. My girlfriend had left me, and I found myself extremely lonely, frustrated, anxious, and mostly just overwhelmed by everything.


There was a day where I felt I had hit rock bottom. My thoughts never turned to suicide, but I found myself thinking "What if I do start thinking like that?" I went to my counsellour, who was genuinely worried about me, and she said she would really like for me to go back on medication (prozac).

As upset as I was, I decided against that. I don't intend on being medicated my entire life, and I want to teach myself to cope better with bad situations internally. We scheduled an appointment with the psychiatrist for the next day and I left feeling broken, dour, and hopeless. But you know what? The weirdest thing happened after that: within a few hours, I started to feel better, and when I met the psychologist the next day I was shocked at my own good mood.

The spike has subsided a little bit, and I'm hoping to get back to baseline eventually, but what this experience has shown me is that I am coping far better with my moods overall because I have been forced to get to grips with how my mind and emotions are interconnected.

Overall:

Something else I've taken solace in is that many people I know have tinnitus (ranging from mild to extremely severe) and they all tell me that at this point it's an annoyance that they've come to live with. The biggest shock is that one of my best mates, whom I've known for seven years at this stage, has noise-induced tinnitus as well. In all the years I've known him, he had never mentioned it until I told him about mine. He said although he hears it everywhere, he literally never thinks about it. He only "hears" it when I bring it up in conversation.

I've also heard stories from people who've had tinnitus for years only for it to disappear one day, and none of the horror stories thrown about online.

Key takeaways:

Do your best to accept your tinnitus. You can't do anything about it, so you just have to let it be.

Allow yourself to be upset, feel overwhelmed, broken, but don't mistake those emotions for truth. Especially during spikes. Even when it's bad, you're still habituating, and it gets easier every time - take it from me.

Talk to the veterans on here when you're upset, and don't get caught up in negativity of those who are just starting out their journey who frequent this board the most. Billie48 and Michael have been especially helpful to me in dealing with this, and I am so grateful for their positivity and insight.

Do: CBT, Meditation, take up hobbies, stay fit, be social, be creative Stack up achievements to improve your self-worth - you'll realise tinnitus doesn't have to define or limit you if you don't want it to.

That's all for now. I won't be visiting the boards for the next few months, but I'll drop in again with updates!

Stay strong, everybody!

All best,
Justin

 

Justin, I’m 3 years in and remember the early months well. It does get better, but it’s typically very slow, and bumpy. I’m really impressed with your desire to seek out CBT and counseling. These are part of your toolkit to help you along these rough months. Remember that progress towards habituation will be monthly, not weekly. Kudos for you diving into your studies and learning to focus on your written notes. I always found writing good notes helped even if I never referred back to them. We all have anxious thoughts about our T getting worse or our ability to deal with it. It takes a long time for these traumatic thoughts to be overcome, and it’s always a work in progress. Remember that a LOT of what’s happening is your response and perception of our T. You are doing a great job of analyzing and working on your response. In time, I hope that you will find that your perception of your T changes in a positive manner also. An example ... sometimes I’ll find I’ve been in a quiet environment for a long time, working away, and all of a sudden I become aware of my T, think to myself ‘wow that’s kind of loud’, but then just switch back to what I’m doing and ignore it again. These successes build on each other slowly over time, and your non-T thoughts take precedence over the need to monitor or react to your T. Best wishes, and keep in touch on your progress. Trebor.