Gangster Rap Concert — No Earplugs — Tinnitus ALL GONE

This... story... sounds... like... clickbait... BUT IT’S NOT!!!

It’s a hundred percent real and it starts on a crisp cold day in the fall of 2019. It was my first day attending a dormitory at a real, public overnight college in the United States. I moved into my dormitory and had expectations of hitting it off and making friends in my new overnight dorm (as opposed to the commuter college that I had attended months prior). My fall semester began with tours of the North, South, and East campuses of my University, as well as an introduction to our semi-public-semi-privately managed arena sized stadium; all of which was laid out neatly in the center of an old industrial city in the northeastern United States.

Our day of introduction was complete with handouts advertising our university's sports, club sports, clubs, noted alumni, and a sheet of advice advertising what former college students knew that they now wished to pass on to current college students.

The fliars were handed out to members of the student body in deep blue ocean colored folders and they were filled with advice along the lines of “expand your horizons'', “try new clubs, experiment with new things'' and “You’ll make friends in the least expected places”. I took this advice in particular to heart and began my quest to establish social connections and break out of the loneliness that has always governed my life as an autistic person.

My quest began with my roommate Ashley, a male to female transitioning student who was not allowed to room with her fellow females because she had not filled out the right paperwork. I started off the conversation casually with her, asking her about such things as her dream vacation spots “Any habitable planet but earth.” Her favorite sports “No, just No.” Her favorite styles of cuisine “‘Chinese, Mexican, Italian’ ‘I don’t know, I just like food’” and whether she liked such things as Rock music “No” Rap “No” Pop “No” and finally country music “NO”. I continued asking her about whether she had found any of the local bars that students visited entertaining “No” and whether or not she had any interest in clubbing or concerts “No and No”. Following this, I asked her about her experiences with the local Greek life scene at our college. To summarize her experiences, she simply explained that during her freshman year (prior to her gender-reassignment) she had never joined any fraternities. To add to this, she stated that she had also never joined any sororities as a female student.

I passed the first four weeks of the semester by resolving unforeseen obstacles that stood in my way (two laptops died on me, I lost my wallet, and my iPhone almost broke). Defeated and discouraged, I turned back to Ashley and asked her about her struggles making friends Freshman year of college. “Friends?” Ashley replied as she quizzically as she glanced up from her laptop “I’ve only ever had one friend in my life. Not to mention one failed dating relationship” She laughed.

Disheartened, I turned mistakenly to social media, where my own loneliness became reinforced by the liked photos of frat parties and the beach selfies of the fellow members of my generation.

At that moment, I glanced down and observed what I now recall to be the worst sight I ever laid eyes on. It was a hotel door hanger sized sign; promoting a live hip hop performance, featuring Youngthug, Machine Gun Kelly, and YBN Nahmir. It had been placed upon the handle of each and every one of the student dormitories, and it looked just like this:



High off of social media, and drunk off of loneliness, I decided that I would go to the concert... Alone. (After all, why bother asking Ashley to go with me!)

My diet and exercise regime for the four weeks that led up to the concert were odd. I consumed as much chicken and fish as possible, and cut pork and beef out of my diet altogether. I found that my university’s campus had an excess of vending machines selling corn and wheat based snacks, along with a dearth of spinach, kale, lettuce, and broccoli. I had given blood approximately seven days ago on South Campus, and was taking ZERO Iron supplements. I was SEVERELY ANEMIC on the night of the concert!

I had discovered hip hop two years prior, and thought going to a real concert would be fun. My love affair started with the more socially conscious modern rap acts. I began with Lupe Fiasco and Kendrick Lamar, before moving on to Killer Mike and listening to the work he did with Run the Jewels. A look back into hip hop history allowed me to discover an unforeseen love for the works of Ice Cube (my favorite NWA member) and the political militancy of early Eminem (Mosh! White America! Sing For the Moment!).

At age twelve, I recall having seen a sign in my pediatricians office bearing that caption LISTEN UP TEENAGERS, which discussed the dangers of headphones used at volumes greater than 50%. The sign said nothing about what the consequences of headphone use higher than 50% would be. It also said nothing about concerts.

Stepping out of my dormitory and taking to the street, I set out the two blocks toward our university’s giant mega arena, which had been outfitted all for the special event. The first thing that I noticed was the relative dearth of University students at the concert. All the fellows seemed to be dressed like biker gang members and all the ladies seemed to be dressed like strippers. I glanced down, envisioning the knots forming in my stomach as I stepped towards the entrance to the stadium. A number of quick questions around yielded results as to where everyone was from. Answers ranged all the way from “San Francisco” to “Lynn, MA”. In spite of the university advertising the concert, NOBODY was wearing university gear.

My anxiety crescendoed in a staircase of panic as I mounted the steps into the concert hall. I stumbled all the way to the entrance of the concert hall... and was turned down from admission. As it turns out, our student IDs did not get us into the concert for free. In fact, they did not even get us a discount! So, I ended up having to hike all the way back to my dormitory (Still anemic, keep in mind) and retrieve my wallet and pay my way in.

It was at this point that I came to a sudden realization in my room. “I hate loud noises!” I had listened to my brother’s Jazz percussion music as a kid from age 11 up to today for three to four hours a day. Although it was Jazz, it felt like heavy metal to me. There is a reason that drummers do not need amps the way that guitarists and bassists do in rock. That is because the drums are so naturally loud that they drown out the guitarist and the bassist unless they use amps.

Due to the experience I’d had with drums growing up, I believed that the worst thing that loud music could do was annoy the listener. I believed that if loud music was actually going to harm my hearing, it would have done so a long time ago due to my brother’s drumming.

BIG MISTAKE! When I stumbled back to the concert hall, I had no idea just how loud a rock, rap, or EDM type stadium show would be. Those kinds of shows have volumes of 130-150 decibels. And I stood there like an IDIOT FOR TWO HOURS!!! LET ME REPEAT I... STOOD... THERE... LIKE... AN... IDIOT... FOR... TWO... WHOLE... HOURS!!!

I knew I didn't like loud noises, so I stuffed my earBUDS into my ears as if they were earPLUGS. They made NO DIFFERENCE. If anything, they might have even opened my ears up even further to the noise. It only took about three to five seconds before my ears started ringing!! At first, I rationalized it by thinking “It’s a concert, everyone’s ears must be ringing!”

As the concert went on, my ears began to ring even louder. I tried to leave, but I was anemic for the aforementioned reasons. I had so little energy that I fell down on the dance floor. I sat there, being a victim of Auditory Rape for two Hours.

When I finally got the energy to leave the arena, my ears were ringing so loud that I resolved to kill myself. I knew a bridge that was fifty feet above a roaring rapid that I could use. The only problem was, it was so far away that my dorm room was closer.

When I got back to my dorm room, Ashley greeted me with the question “You weren't at the concert were you? Those things can give you permanent hearing damage.”

I responded with an amount of optimism that I did not possess, “One concert.” I replied “I sat at the back and left halfway through it.”

Apathetically, and without any visual signs of empathy she informed me “That’s enough to do it.”

Immediately after I heard this from her, I took to Instagram live to cry and scream at the top of my lungs about the pain I was now trapped in. During this entire process Ashley remained quiet, straight faced, and indifferent. The first call was from my brother, Informing me that he had undergone a similar acoustic trauma which had tortured him for six months before receding into remission.

The next message was from a classmate in high school who had gone to a similar hip hop show, without undergoing any symptoms of tinnitus, in spite of the fact that he had not worn earplugs. Lucky bastard, I knew a girl I went to high school with who attended several loud rap concerts, even festivals like Jammin 94.5’s Summer Jam at the XFinity Center in Mansfield, MA. I guess it just doesn’t happen to some people. I felt mortified, humiliated and embarrassed by my own stupidity. My brother and a high school friend both informed me that “I thought you knew” about the unspoken earplug rule.

The worst part of the tinnitus was the first half week to two weeks. I could hear it in the Shower, hear it next to the roar of traffic, and hear it over music if I turned it down too low. To say I was depressed would be the biggest understatement of all time. I searched for ways to kill myself left and right. I eliminated the option of jumping off of the bridge as it was too short, and there was a fourteen story dorm at my university which could suffice. I pondered the notion of taking all of my meds at once, which I decided would be a bad idea unless I combined it with a hard liquor like Vodka. I begged my parents to help me end my life out of mercy, each request of which led to refusal at first and anger in the end.

I was scared to death of coming home to my Family’s low population density childhood home in suburban Norfolk County, Massachusetts. The home that once filled my childhood with joy and after school silence became a torture chamber that I went out of my way to avoid. Eventually though, my parents got sick of my shit and forced me to come home. When my parents got sick of their son romancing suicide, I started to romance moving to a place that had constant background noise instead. (Apparently some forum members have had success with this.) Before the acoustic trauma, I had vacationed in two places that had enough background noise that they would cover the volume of the tinnitus. I begged my parents to relocate our family to either Niagara Falls or Manhattan, New York. Both of the situations were a little unrealistic but my parents preferred them to the suicide of their son. To quote my Father “Douglas, if you die, I die.”

I thought that since I was a student at the university, that I could take up issues related to the student concert invite series with the university itself. As a matter of fact, when I ultimately did so, the Manager of the stadium even said, "Hey kid, I'm forty and I've never even heard of tinnitus." Believe it or not, when we discussed the issue, he even said "We have free earplugs available, we just never bothered to put up a sign indicating that we do."

In silent rooms, I could hear a high pitch sound that seemed like a whistle had a baby with a screaming doorbell. I then tried to turn my whole house into a fortress of white noise so that I would never have to hear the dreaded ringing. (Apparently some forum members have had success with this too.) I went to as many electronic stores as I could, buying up as many white noise machines as I could, trying to take my house back. December of 2019 through January of 2020 was easily the worst time in my entire life, and maybe (forum members aside) the worst time in any living creature's lifetime.

The year that followed the concert was the most painful of my life. I begged my parents for everything from euthanasia to a medically assisted coma. Worse yet was the shame and guilt that ate away from me for "bringing it upon myself". It is a miracle that I have healed.

Finally, around the time George Floyd was killed, I experienced major improvements. I had been experiencing minor improvements every three to six weeks, but I experienced a major drop off. I started sleeping with the windows open in the summer, and four times out of five I could not hear the noise. Over about twelve months I went from a twelve out of ten jet engine tinnitus that could be heard next to a four lane highway to a 0.5 out of ten non ringing hiss that I only hear in silent rooms.

After that, I entered a paradox whereby I wanted to hear silence really badly, but failed to be satisfied with the silence that I could hear. I would attempt to sleep without a white noise machine or intentionally read without a white noise machine in hopes that I could hear silence. I should have been grateful that I had even gotten to the silent room stage at all, as many people on the forum would eat shit just to be here. I monitored the volume of tinnitus on a daily basis, driving myself to suicidal insanity in the process. My Psychiatrist (who has treated many tinnitus patients) advised me to check the tinnitus only weekly. Everyone on this forum knows that this is far easier said than done.

The more the tinnitus quieted, the more I got started on other things. I went back to work at the local grocery market that I stock shelves at (I’m proud to have a great reputation with my coworkers to this day), took classes via Zoom at the university that I went to, and took full advantage of hiking outside without having to worry about hearing a ringing. I rebuilt my relationship with my parents, especially my father who loves hiking.

Finally, sometime between April and June of 2021, it went away AND HAS NOT COME BACK EVER SINCE. Occasionally, once every two to four days, it will come back for two to four seconds, BUT THAT’S IT, IT’S ALL GONE!!! I don’t know when it specifically went away, but I am 100 PERCENT SURE THAT IT RECEDED INTO REMISSION SOME TIME WITHIN THOSE TIME SLOTS. Generally speaking, that tends to be the end with noise induced tinnitus. A lot of people with TMJ induced tinnitus hear a pop and a click at the end of their torture, but for most ototoxic and noise induced sufferers, it just sort ends at no particular moment.

One of the sufferers on the message board describes the afterlife as being “back to the same old, same old.” But for me it is FAR BETTER than that. It feels like being released from prison, being cured of a disease, and getting a reprieve from a tourture all at one. It feels like what only tinnitus going away feels like. No adjectives may pay it justice and no comparisons may provide it with fairness. It is the kind of reprieve from suffering that only the most tortured souls on this forum yearn for.

Before I end this write up, I need to address some people on the message board personally. When I was in my darkest moments, which during the first three months was literally every single day, I would read and re-read my collection of success stories again and again and again. It would be impossible for me to have survived this nightmare without using pre-existing stories and lists that other users on the message board were empathetic and well intentioned enough to upload:

• To @Tom Cnyc, you are all facts and straightforward. Your Stories have helped many survive the terrors of this vicious condition, not just me. Every one of your stories from Shotgun man to the Sound engineer spoke to me.
  
  
• To @bill 112, you were brave to share your story of 2011 recovery with the forum. As a former noise induced sufferer, your honesty regarding what happened to you was invaluable to me.
  
  
• To @GSC, you have given me hope. Your numbered 1-25 success story list is something everyone on the message board should read at least once.
  
  
• To @Bill Bauer, you are the realist that so many people need when they need the facts about this whole tinnitus thing. Your success stories helped me when I was at the lowest of my low.
  
  
• To @Agrajag364, you helped me at a time when I needed it the most. The story of the woman who suffered for a year and recovered was such a relief to me. I was six or seven months into this monster and I felt like I had lost hope.
  
  
• To @Don Tinny, your kindness towards me is beyond my ability to repay. The success story that you shared with me gave me hope that I would see a better tomorrow. You helped me at that same dark time that Agrajag364 did. As someone who is finally in that better tomorrow, I wish you the best.
  
  
• To @jjflyman, you have been my hope in hopelessness, my light in the darkness, and a saver of my life many times. Your commitment to bringing the forum success stories, especially for noise induced sufferers is one of my many saving graces.
  
  
• Finally, to @Paulmanlike, my heart aches for the shitshow that your life has been. The terror that you have suffered through and the pain you have suffered from are things the luckiest people alive will never have to relate to. Like you, I had been suicidal before I’d ever gotten my acoustic trauma. Like you, I’ve been diagnosed by a Psychiatrist with OCD before (probably falsely, as my Asperger’s Syndrome gives me the kind of obsessive focus that can sometimes be falsely mistaken for some symptoms of the condition). If I could cure one and only one person on the forum, I want you to know that it would be you in a heartbeat.

FAQs

How long did my tinnitus last?
My tinnitus lasted from Oct 4, 2019 to April-June of 2021

Which ear did I have my tinnitus in?
My tinnitus switched ears like that of a dentist or a DJ. It was equally loud in both ears.

What did my tinnitus sound like?
It was a high pitched sound which sounded like a person whistling mixed with a doorbell ringing

Did I have hyperacusis?
No, just tinnitus.

Did I take any supplements?
No.

Did I refrain from drugs or alcohol?
I did refrain from drugs (hard and soft) and alcohol when I had tinnitus. That being said, I did not take drugs before, during, or after my tinnitus went away. I will note that my Psychiatrist Benzoed Me to sleep for a solid year and a half. Thankfully, I did not suffer Benzo withdrawal or any other side effects.

How long did the worst part of my tinnitus last?
The worst part of my tinnitus lasted in the first 0.5-2 weeks after the acoustic trauma. The second worst part lasted from October 4th, 2019 to May of 2020.

Douglas, are you sure it’s gone?
Yes, I wrote 70%-80% of this in my college dorm room with the windows closed, the door shut, and no background noise. It’s been gone for 3.5 months now, next question.

Did Ashley have some sort of a Mental Illness?
Yes, she had Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Was Ashley her real name?
No.

I understand that I have practically written a Game of Thrones/Harry Potter Length novel. Like Norway girl, I aspire to write a book someday. I’m pretty sure anyone who reads this entire thing will get that vibe.

I will answer questions that I have not answered, but after that I’d prefer to leave this place.

 

Hey Doug! I'm super happy for you.

I wanted to ask one thing that I didn't see answered in your original post.

Did you see an audiologist or have any hearing loss that was able to be measured?

Once again, I'm so happy for you. I hope more people will be able to experience remission as you have.

Have a great life!

 

How long did you maintain with white noise machines and how long did you take a break from them?

I tried early on but can't sleep to it (as hard as it is to sleep to my tinnitus, it almost seems more reactive if I use the machine to sleep to. But it seems like more people are getting healing benefits from them.

 

You should probably stick around and help others like you who will inevitably show up.
Digging through old success stories is difficult when you're being demonized at the same time.

Having someone around to help who went through it and can give real hope with a non-BS story that fading can occur is always welcome.

That won't happen if you don't stick around or reach out and help others with this.

Keep in mind, what you got is the low end of this beast if it went away. Some people have lived with suicidal levels, insane noises and even pain for much longer.
It can come back. Be careful. It is extremely unforgiving.

 

I hope you don't mind my somewhat luke warm response.

Many people have this effect (including me): if I go to a loud party, or I drive a car for 10 hours straight, my tinnitus will be completely gone for a day or two.

If I sleep with a white noise maker on, during the day I will not have tinnitus... zero.

Many people I know have this same effect. Call it (very long) residual inhibition, although a researcher that researches residual inhibition told me he has never come across such a long time (usually residual inhibition only lasts couple seconds).

I hope yours will stay away forever, of course. I'm really happy for you, just thought I would chime in anyhow, not trying to rain on your parade.

 

Hi Sentinel,

I saw two audiologists, the first one being out of an ENT office in Franklin Massachusetts and the second one being out of a hearing and tinnitus clinic based in Mansfield, MA. The first performed a hearing loss test and the second did not. When the first doctor performed my audiogram, it indicated that I (again, thankfully) did not lose any hearing as a result of the acoustic trauma.

 

Hello Rb86,

I maintained the white noise machines on all the time when I slept in my bedroom i.e. if I slept for 8.5 hours of the night I would use 8.5 hours of white noise. I also used various items around my house to keep the sound at bay, ranging from the microwave fan in the kitchen, to the shower fan when I was on the top floor, to air conditioning in the summer. There was no set interval or specific amount of time that I used white noise to. I used white noise machines for the entire duration of the acoustic trauma, even using them some nights after the acoustic trauma went away. I have not been using them as of late since I have moved back to my university dorm and the electrical outlet is too far away.

 

I am very happy for you. I also hope for a full recovery.

 

Thank you for your response. I'm beginning to think there is some legitimacy to sound therapy post acoustic incident. Several people have seem to have success, and the Susan Shore device is also using sound. In the very beginning I HAD to use a box fan next to my head as it was so terribly loud, but I eventually found white noise hard to sleep to and just try to listen to my sounds and get adjusted to them every night. Easier said than done.

 

I just loved reading your story. Thanks so much for sharing. I’m so happy that this is all over for you. Did yours fluctuate? And did the ringing ever make certain frequencies distorted?

 

"A lot of people with TMJ induced tinnitus hear a pop and a click at the end of their torture"

That sounds amazing and gives me something to look forward to.

 

Occasionally, I would get a spike in tinnitus every twenty four to seventy two hours. The spikes were the worst, they sent me into a rushed, panicked state of mind. At first, they lasted roughly thirty seconds each. Now it has been reduced to the two to four second hiss that I mentioned in the paragraph with the huge cap locks.

I never had any distorted hearing at specific frequencies though.

 

It really is crazy how everyone is so different!

My tinnitus faded greatly in the beginning weeks. Several times I thought it was almost gone but it keeps lingering. The audiologist says the characteristics of mine are not uncommon. Some people call it “reactive”, and basically it is heard on top of certain sounds and makes them sound kind of funny. Like the shower “whistled” when I turned it on. As soon as I get out of the shower and the sound is gone, then comes in from the background and can be heard ever so slightly in my head in complete silence. It’s the strangest thing. I don’t know if I have “spikes”, just has changed from one type of noise to a different more faded one. But the spikes you had I think you might be referring to “transient tinnitus?” That’s what my audiologist called it anyway.

Instead of “feeling” static, I feel now it’s more of an audible thing, if that even makes sense! Really did enjoy your story though. Your emotions during this whole process are something that most people on here can relate to. It’s also encouraging to know, even though it took quite awhile, that it can go away. I’ll be looking forward to that book!

 

Something very similar happens to me too. A two hours long train ride knocks my tinnitus out the day after. Today I am sitting here in complete silence, with no masking, and my tinnitus is even pleasant. But tomorrow it will most likely rage again.

 

Amazing success story! Great to know it can take over a year to go away.

While you were healing, did you avoid loud/moderate noises as much as possible?

When you left your house, did you wear earplugs? Or did you continue to live relatively normally?

 

Hello Beep Boop Bop,

In the immediate aftermath of the Acoustic Trauma I tried to plug my ears when I was around loud noises. My brother practiced (and still practices to this day) drumming, usually for 2-4 hours per day. At first, I thought that using earplugs to prevent further damage and allow my ears to heal was a good idea. However, when I put the earplugs in, my tinnitus actually got louder. This was because acoustic trauma tinnitus is a noise generated inside of one's ear in response to damage. Since the noise is psychically inside of the ear, the sound outside of the ear is what helps mask a sufferer's tinnitus. So, when I inserted the earplugs, I ended up making my tinnitus louder (keep in mind tinnitus is always louder in the quiet, for me earplugs=quiet.
I felt anxious and the situation was panic inducing, I could choose neither earplugs, nor drumming. So, I decided to go walking around my neighborhood whenever my brother played drums. This was a great solution, but I could only exercise it when it was light enough to go walking. When it was too late to go walking, I would walk upstairs to the second floor of my house, and I would use the distance from the sound, plus the white noise machine to drown it out.

A VERY IMPORTANT thing to note is that growing up I thought that my brother's drumming was enough to damage my hearing. I would make comments like "Oh, he's going to make me go deaf." My brother's drumming was the loudest sound I had ever heard, prior to the acoustic trauma. This was because I had nothing louder to compare it to, like a stadium volume Rock or Rap show. When I was healing up from the acoustic trauma, I DID NOT attend any ROCK or RAP concerts, I also did not attend any noisy nightclubs, and I did not use headphones. If I was going to expose myself to an equally loud event, during or after my noise induced tinnitus, I would wear hearing protection.

 

Thank you for the reply. I agree, it's extremely uncomfortable wearing earplugs with tinnitus. I recently had to wear them for 3 hours straight and was completely beside myself with anxiety. I prefer to just stay home and away from noise, but I can only hide out for so long.

Congrats again on your newfound silence. I hope that one day I will be fortunate enough to be in your position as well.

 

Hello! Your post is one of the reasons I decided to create an account here. Somehow it gives me hope that this can go away with time, and that we can go on with life.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, you were more than lucky! Truly blessed!