How Many Times Can I Fail Until I Learn?

[Opellulo]

Hi all,

I'm a fellow tinnitus afflicted currently suffering a huge guilt complex caused by the fact that this is my 3rd (or 4th?) tinnitus resurgence after I successfully adapted myself 3 times from that dread night of 2011. I post this as a way to share my experience and hopefully relieve myself a bit.

Let's start from the beginning.

I suffer from tinnitus since December 2011: I was at a party in a disco and I was too drunk to be at a safe distance from the speakers. Next day I was suffering from "normal ear stress tinnitus" (something I was almost accustomed to from many years of concerts and parties) what I didn't expected is that the cursed noise was there to stay.

I made all the standard checks and I got a far too familiar response: no ear damage, no listening loss, no treatments... Just endure and it will go away... Eventually. After around 6 months of suffering, sleep loss, depression and some very troubling suicide thought, I adapted and started to think I was effectively "cured".

Guess again, with the years I deleted so quickly the bad memories that I started to became careless and forgot to take even standard measures: I had 3 other tinnitus resurgences, all caused by too much alcohol and parties with loud music. The last one was just a week ago, where finally I dropped the ball and decided to leave this kind of juvenile behaviour behind (I am aware it's a kind of "bargaining stage" with tinnitus, but it's a good choice anyway).

My main strategy so far is "don't think of the elephant", I try to go on with my life trying not to focus on the noise until my brain starts to cope and... It worked so far: since my last resurgence at a New Year's Party 2018 I can remember only 1 or 2 times I "hear" tinnitus, and it was just a glance, I can confidently say that i lived the most part of the last 8 years in a blissful unaware silence only interrupted here and there by a couple months of tinnitus.

For this reason reading (and finally joining) this forum is so painful to me: it forces me to face something that I am actively trying to forget, it goes against everything I tried to do so far. But it is something I think I must do for two main reasons:

1 - Finally grow up and accept that I suffer the equivalent of a chronic disease that requires constant care (see the "bargaining stage" I think I am currently in)
2 - Offering a gleam of hope to many in a dark spot that I well know; It will go better... eventually.

So this is my short presentation; I will post some links I found on the internet that I haven't yet seen here (I joined now but I have been lurking for a long time) but I seriously hope I will disappear from this forum, in that case have an (alcohol free) toast for another time that I successfully adapted... Another, and I wish final, time.

JL

 

[billie48]

1 - Finally grow up and accept that I suffer the equivalent of a chronic disease that requires constant care (see the "bargaining stage" I think I am currently in)
2 - Offering a gleam of hope to many in a dark spot that I well know; It will go better... eventually.

Welcome to the forum. These are two very important points indeed. Acceptance is a powerful step to help reduce the anxiety and stress level. This then will help us habituate to tinnitus. Being more positive and hopeful that things will improve over time can also bring our stress level down. Hope is very important in the darkness of tinnitus suffering, Knowing at some point we will get better will help the mental battle to make it easier. Thanks for your positive contribution to the forum. Take good care. God bless.

 

[Opellulo]

My 2 month(ish) update:

I investigates the last accident and apparently high volume was not the principal culprit... It seems it was a mix between it, really high stress levels and having spent multiple hours under light rain in a chilly northern Spanish night. Anyway the result was the same: my moderate chirping bilateral tinnitus was back!

The first weeks were really weird: T. intensity was fluctuating, from deafening to barely noticeable and this worried me a lot since it was something new. Additionally, being affected during the winter break means that almost all the therapists were on vacation so, Merry Christmas to me!

In January I started a weekly physiotherapy session with a very good professional and to put it bluntly she brought me back to the land of the living! I had a lot of neglected preexisting condition like stress, posture, teeth grinding and also a good measure of sinusitis. My ENT didn't found anything weird (just a normal seasonal nasal congestion) so he gave me something to clear the nose, and the usual melathonin pills.

Since this last accident rang a bell on the status of my personal care, I also started to see a psychologist and hit the gym more regularly, less netflix and videogames, more infusions and daily spas. Beanie and scarf are now part of my regular attire.

...and so far it seems it's working.

I had a couple of rough nights but now I can concentrate again, i can read, wear headphones and have a 75% normal life. The main problems are boredom and dusk, where T. is still lurking, always ready, always vigilant... And the fact that my mental state is still so frail, so that a rough night can resurface very dark thoughts.

Let's see how the thing will progress in another couple months.