I'm Sorry But I'm Just Really So Sad Right Now.

I'm sorry I post so much on TT but this is literally the only place I can go and ask questions or say how I'm feel or come for support/comfort/advice/etc. because I don't want to be a burden on anyone outside of here though I'm pretty sure I'm a burden on you guys anyway and I'm sure you're all annoyed with seeing me on this board.

I'm going on my second month with the T and I have a feeling that it is permanent. In fact, I know it's permanent. And that thought just makes me really really sad. Overwhelmingly sad. And it's the kind of sadness that runs really really deep inside me so that I can't escape it. And it breaks my heart. I honestly feel like such a broken person. I've been broken since the day I was born and over time I just get even more broken and it has cost my family so much. This T feels like the last straw for me.

There's too many health problems for me to live with. I know there are other people out there with 'worse' conditions who live life to the fullest and never give up hope but they are not me and I am not them. I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot do this anymore. I'm not suicidal but I honestly sometimes lay in bed at night and pray that God will just take me now so that all of this pain will go away.

My music career will never be what I want it to be now and my health in general will never improve since the doctors that I have either wont do much to help me or can't do much to help me. I feel completely abandoned and any hope that I may have had when this first started is gone now. My hope for a better day, my hope for a cure (I don't think we'll ever really get one), my hope that one day I'll be happy. All I've ever wanted in life is to be happy like 'normal' people. And now it seems like that no matter how close to happy I get, it will never ever happen. And there's no one around that can help me. I have absolutely no one.

It sucks to be in a place where you want to give up but your brain and body wont let you.

 

Sometimes we human beings get hit by things which is well beyond what we can handle along with all the other duties we all have ie. going to school, work, raising children, and so on. Sometimes, it is best in such situations to take "a timeout" and stop what we are doing and focus on getting well. Even if this means eg. discontinuing a university study progamme.

(Severe) tinnitus is not easy to deal with. But there are possibilities out there:

1) Clinical trials (AM101 and Autifony; seems like you could be candidate for the former option - have a look at this http://www.tinnitus-study.info/us-en-home).
2) Experimental treatments (LLLT, stem cells, HIFU; costly and unproven - agreed, but at least these are potential possibilities).
3) Hearing aids/maskers.
4) TRT and other psychotherapies.

As with all things in life - the effort we invest in a project usually also affects the outcome. So if we put in an effort, we might just be rewarded for it...

If you choose to enroll in the AM101 trial in the US, but cannot get a place or you are not accepted, try contacting the following hospital about the trial, directly:

Henry Ford Medical Hospital, Dr. Michael D. Seidman.

 

I feel your sadness and sense of hopeless. Don't feel sorry that you have to post often or ask for help/support. We are here for you as often as you want to share your sorrow. I wish I can share your burden. It was something I went through a few years ago feeling no one could help me through the darkness. I was overwhelmed by ultra high pitch tinnitus, severe hyperacusis as well as relentless anxiety and panic attacks with their own horrible symptoms. I could only cope with the help of meds and sleeping pills. That was some tough time. But I hanged in there because I read about others' success stories. I know I am not them. But I could borrow strength from others.

One such person is a young jazz singer Melody Gardot who besides having severe tinnitus & hyperacusis (she needs to wear earplugs all the time), besides super sensitivity to light (she has to wear sunglasses everywhere), she was unfortunate to be hit by a SUV while biking which did massive damage to her body. With incredible pain and broken bones & damaged organs, she had to be hospitalized for a long time just to survive. To this day, she has to limp along with a cane. But she never quit on life despite much struggle emotionally and physically. She persisted in her music career and now enjoys a booming career doing shows all over the world. I hope you will find her story and her attitude inspiring and helpful in your own pursuit of your music career. Have hope and don't give up. Here is Melody Gardot's story:
http://jazztimes.com/articles/24598-melody-gardot-s-melodic-therapy

There are times in life when we truly feel we are overwhelmed. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless a few years back. But today I live an absolutely enjoyable and abundant life. Time plus a gradual switch to more positive thinking has helped. Melody Gardot's story is a huge inspiration for me to never quit and to look for the positives in life. So I hope you don't give up and give it time. All the best to you.

 

Hiya @derpytia. I am sorry you are feeling so sad - reading your post I can feel your sadness. I know exactly how you feel. Not all the time, but some of the time I feel like there is this pit of sadness inside of me, this darkness that I can't escape from. Some days are very tough. BUT - IT GETS BETTER. I know a lot of people say this to you, and I guess right now you feel like it isn't going to happen, but it will. The reason people say it is because it is TRUE.

First of all, you are NOT a burden. No one on this site is a burden. This site is set up for support, for people to ask questions and talk about their fears. If anyone gets sick of hearing of people's problems, then they shouldn't be looking on this site. Trust me, no one thinks you are a burden. We have all been in the same position as you.

I get that you feel your T is permanent. I have moments where I am terrified it is permanent. I'm sad to say that it could possibly be permanent. But you are only in your second month. T can easily disappear. I would not see T as permanent until about 1.5 - 2 years, because I have read stories about it going in that time. Heck, I've read stories about it going after 16 years! So I would never give up hope that it will go. And I also don't believe there will be a cure. However, I do believe that there will be treatment for T which can reduce the volume. I know that if my T went down by even 50% I would struggle to hear it. So I would not believe that there will be a cure, but I think scientists are working on treatments that will help us.

I am sorry about your other health problems. I don't know exactly what they are but it sounds like you have been struggling quite a bit with them. I understand that getting T feels like the last straw. I felt the same way, though it was not because of health problems but personal problems. I cannot give you advice on your other health problems, but with T the best thing you can do is ignore it. I understand that it is easier said then done. But again, it does get easier. I think our mind gets bored about T and we begin to get interested in other things.

It is okay to be sad. A lot on this site says that we have to remain strong, but the truth is we can't be strong all the time. When a person gets T I think we go through something like grief - grieving for the life we had before. So it's okay to cry, to get angry, to be sad. Have a good long cry. Usually you feel better after crying. And then I would try to watch something funny, read something you like - just do something that you love, T be damned.

As for your career, I think that would have to be up to you. I sense that you are quite lost over it. I don't recall that your T was caused by loud noise, though perhaps it is the culprit. I understand being scared of continuing with your music, and fearing that T will stop you from doing what you want. My advice is that you should do what you love. If music is what you love, then do it. There are musicians earplugs that you can get, and if you make sure that you give you ears time to relax. I don't know what music you do, but would it be possible to move to classical or acoustic? I hesitate to tell you to stop playing music because in my opinion that is giving your T too much control over your life. But as I said before, that's your call. Again, I would advise keeping up with activities, because the worst thing you can do is just sit around doing nothing, thinking and listening to your T. But again, all of this is your call; only you will know what is best.

I think it might be good if you meet up with a counsellor and talk your feelings through. I understand that you don't feel like you will ever be happy, but I believe that you will get there. However, I still think you should talk to someone about how you are feeling; I have always thought therapy should be mandatory, because what is wrong with having someone listen to you from an objective point of view? Alternatively you could go to your doctor and state how you are feeling and they could give you some meds, but I would advise meds should only be a temporary solution.

Finally I thought of this quote when I read your post. I don't know if it will help at all, but I thought I might tell you it anyway: "It's okay to be a lot broken. Everybody's broken in this life." It's true: I think we are all a little bit lost, a little bit broken. We just need to remember the good bits in our lives.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are feeling. If you can't talk to anyone else, you always have us.

 

First off, what a gorgeous and true post @citigirl13 - I wasn't feeling down to begin with and it lifted me up anyway

@derpytia I thought I'd just add my voice and say that you are definitely not alone and you are definitely not a burden. I don't know that I think there will be a cure in our lifetime for all T - because it's caused by so many things. There might be, though, we just don't know. The trick is allowing for the hope of a positive outcome without hanging your happiness on it.

Your post made me think of my own early struggles with happiness and what that even meant to me. I don't think I've been completely without any health issues since I was ten. I have a few chronic issues now along with T, but I can tell you I am really happy and managing all of them as best I can, though they are all still present. Here's one of my favorite quotes on happiness:

“Happiness does not come automatically. It is not a gift that good fortune bestows upon us and a reversal of fortune takes back. It depends on us alone. One does not become happy overnight, but with patient labor, day after day. Happiness is constructed, and that requires effort and time. In order to become happy, we have to learn to change ourselves.”
- Luca and Francesco Cavalli-Sforza

I think I loved that quote the most because it gives us the power, the choice to be happy. It isn't something that happens to us if we're lucky and true happiness is something more like inner peace, to me, rather than that excited feeling we get when something good happens. Life is always going to have difficulties and changes. If it's not T, it will be something else. Being happy, for me, is about adjusting the way I see the world and act in it according to those changes. It probably wont be easy, but you can get to a place where you feel good in time. It's not something that is forever closed off to you.

As for the music, of course it is your choice, but many of the best musicians out there have tinnitus. I think if you're feeling too down right now, then give it a break. You're so new to this and it's completely understandable to take time off and take care of yourself, grieve and adjust. T changed me, but in the long run, I would say for the better.

Take care and let us know how things are going - we're always here for you

 

Dear @derpytia: Others here already have said what I would have (and so much better!) that I don't know what I could add. Except to say you always are welcome to come here when you are down. That's one of the main reasons TT exists.

I will just add: As someone said above, you are grieving the person who you once were, so it is not surprising you are sad. I think coming to terms with tinnitus is the same as coping with a death or loss. You go through those same classic stages: Anger, denial, bargaining... and then, acceptance. I am not the first person on this board to suggest this. You are still fairly new to T, so you are in the early stages. I am one year this month and now, most days, am at acceptance -- although I still have moments where I slip back to the earlier stages. But I am so much better. And you will be, too.

Finally: Don't give up on your musical ambitions. Many, many musicians have tinnitus and still perform. I myself am not a professional but was singing with a large choral group. I had to quit when I first developed tinintus -- but then later joined a smaller group, where I have been able to better cope with the noise around me. The director there is much more hands-on, so wonderful and kind, and I have been happier and progressed much more in my technique in six months with this group than in three years with the large one. I probably will give my large group a try again in the fall. But it has been an unexpected benefit for me to be part of this supportive, amazing smaller ensemble, an experience I wouldn't change for anything. There will be other opportunities for you, too.

 

Sorry your feeling awful, but i can say that when i came to the realization that my t was forever, it was one of the hardest moments in my T journey. Looking back on it now i can see it was also a pivotal moment in my recovery. It seems like your doing talking from your emotions and not necessarily your brain. You love music we can all see that through your messages, maybe you still can do what you love once you speak to an audiologist you can no more about this. And if you sing or be around the loud stuff, you can find fulfilling work in the music industry where maybe you don't have to be around super loud noises, but you can still be around what you love. You can fulfill this passion in other ways. My fathers dream was to become a soccer play, it the only thing he did, since he was 5 years old he would play soccer sunrise to sundown. When he was 18 he dropped out of high school because he had a chance to play, a few years later he made it to a stage where many soccer lover would kill to play, in his first game he got hurt very bad. He rehabbed for year came back played just a few years before his injuries didn't really allow him to play. He gave up on everything and anything related to soccer for a long time. About 15 years later he realized it was a mistake and he got back into the game he loved. He started an amateur team in NJ as a coach they once many state titles, they got to play games against many pro teams in the USA and sent many people into the pros. He was happy again. Sorry for rambling but you see the point. Even if you cant do what you originally wanted which you don't know yet as many musician do and some say their t never got worse, there is always some other way for you to be connected to your passion.
I know i said it before, to read Dr.Naglers letter to a tinnitus sufferer, but this is the type of situation where it comes in handy.
As far as cures go, we have two potential treatments on the way with am101 and autifony which are very promising so you have reason for hope right there. If you dont start to feel a little bit better as time goes on i really think you should look into trt or some sort of cbt.

Imagine if your family member was the one going though what you are now. Im sure there is no lengths you wound not go to help them, your not being a burden on your family but being sick, thats the point of family to help you when get better when your down. Believe me you only become a burden to your family when they are not able to help you anymore.

 

Dear derpytia
Your post reflected on how I feel at the moment, I am a lot older than you are and I am finding it very difficult with the same thoughts as your self, you are not alone with these feelings, I understand what you are saying about your emotions with this condition, it seems that all sufferers have to pass through this stage. I am 4 months into discovering Tinnitus and I am in the acceptance stage, it is not easy, you will have bad days and days that are not good, you will have days that OK and then your back to the condition. My thoughts are, try to accept that this could be permanent and that you are going to come to terms with this condition and you will have your normal life back again. It is only a sound, it can not harm you, if you lived by a rail track you would ignore the passing trains. From my research it seems like the brain will start to ignore these sounds and your life will come back, it does seem that will take some time 1-2 years, when you live day by day with this condition this does seem a very long time.
I would suggest you read the positive posts, as this will give you the hope that it will be OK, and you yourself will beat the pain that you are going through at the moment.
Regards

 

@derpytia
Who says normal people are happy? No one is happy all the time. Life is a lot of work and drama. For you too express your feelings on this forum, as you so eloquently wrote, I think your own passion for your life is strong and will prevail.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much @derpytia, I really wish that I had some wisdom to offer--all I can say is, please, hang in there long enough for the miracle to happen. I refer to habituation as a miracle because I believed it would take a miracle for me to habituate. It's happening--in spite of me--and it will happen for you. You might need a little help from a CBT counselor or a TRT clinician but it will happen.
You are not a burden--you are one of us and we are here for you. I've been incredibly sad myself and sometimes I'm not strong--that's why I come here and post --so I can get the support I need. We all need support sometimes.

Try to stay in the day--don't worry so much about your future. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here yet, but today is a gift--that's why it's called the 'present.'

 

Hi derpytia, have a look at a thread that Demi started. As for your sadness, it is quite normal to have these feelings when you first experience T

You are very young, you will see a cure. Your T also could go away on it's own, time is on your side. One more thing, you go ahead and post as much, and as often as you like. We never run short of love and help here.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/the-positivity-thread.3142/

 

There's other little girls out there in world just like you. And they may come across your story so maybe you can find it in yourself to become a role model and spokes person who over comes adversity with multiple disabilities and becomes successful.

 

Hey Derpytia,

So much support and encouragement on this thread so far, not much I can add. Except I am one more person here on TT that is in your corner and truly "get's" what you are going through!!

You are NOT a burden, please don't pull away!! Stay connected and receive the support you are getting!!

Read and re-read these great responses above, and take the encouragement to heart!!

 

Dear Derpytia,

people on here are so helpful... I have good and bad days, yesterday was bad, today is better... hang on please and don't give up...

big hugs, from Canada xoxo

 

@derpytia,

Twenty years ago I was right where you are now. Back then I recall standing in the quiet outside a friends house and thinking 'how can I ever live with this sound in my head?' I recall this thought as if it occurred yesterday. But as is very common with many of us without overly intrusive T, I habituated. In fact, there have been many weeks where I rarely thought about it, except when in very quiet rooms where I would think 'oh, there it is'. I also obtained three college degrees over the next 10+ years. Imagine that?! Please do. You suggested in an earlier post that your T is not terribly loud. You must have faith that it will ease some and you will get used to it. Your brain's limbic system is in an agitated state and this reaction is 'driving the bus', as Dr Nagler would say. Put Mr T in the back of the bus. Apologies to the other Mr T (I pity the fool!)

 

@derpytia,

There is hope. Here is what a person from the London Tinnitus Treatment Clinic wrote to me on a Gooogle+ forum: "The good news is that about three quarters of people's tinnitus just spontaneously resolves within a few months, and reduces to nothing or to such a low level that it doesn't bother them." I don't want to set false expectations, but the odds are in yours and everyone's favor. And if you do have something long term, there seems to be a variety of ways to cope with it.

 

@derpytia
Even under the worst case possible scenario, we're the most likely generation to see a real treatment or cure emerge for tinnitus. The prospects of waiting years and years for something to develop is daunting, but the ball is finally starting to roll after decades. A half-century ago, the prospects would seem hopeless, but we're starting to see the very first experimental pharmaceutical developments in the reduction of tinnitus in this day and age.

 

@derpytia I feel for you and can't add anything to what has already been written so eloquently by others. I know where you're coming from - but there is a chance that your T will lessen with time, it's early days as they say. If I can add just one thing that helps me enormously, when T gets overwhelming (and I think it does at times for all of us) mostly when it's quiet and not much is happening around me - I carry an mp3 player with sounds of rivers and crickets, and at those quiet times I just play it quietly with loose, open-type earphones so I can still hear normally (and even carry on a conversation) but I concentrate on the sounds, not my T, and I regain control. It's not a cure, but it gives immense relief and gets me through the rough patch. Mostly, it helps me win against T so it's not in control - I am - and that's the aim. Do whatever you can; get involved in your music in a way that is comfortable for you (only you will know what that is); find something to take your mind off it (reading this forum and the research happening is a great lifter) and if at times you can't ignore it then push it away with some soft masking sounds. Hang in there derpytia - you're young and you can fight back and win. You must win and keep winning, every day.

 

@derpytia Please post when and often as you want. We want to hear from you and I need to hear from you so we can ride this out together. I'm in my 4th week of loud T and Vertigo. I'm afraid as you but I lived with T for 24 years and have habituated after each set back. How are you doing? Please post

 

Keep your chin up things will get better i promise ! Big hug!