It Never Ends

[st0rch]

Long story short, my ex girlfriend told me on my Bday that she has been dating a woman for the last 4 months, and has been leading me on / lying to me. The girl found out, so my ex girlfriend lies and pretended none of it happened, and then told me to "F#$k off" and that she would never speak to me again, as if it was my fault she fabricated this elaborite lie.

Anyway, I've known her for 3 years, so this pain is quite deep. I'm stuck wondering how people can be so cruel. It's not even just that she left me for a woman (that hurts too), but more that she lied, and then lied to cover up her lie and made me feel responsible even though she knows what I'm going through, and for some reason... I do?

How do I get over what she did to me, while getting over tinnitus, while conquering my extreme anxiety and the death of my brother? This feels like an endless maze where I only get stuck, cornered by my problems until their weight feels like its crushing me. Oddly enough, I've started to habituate to my tinnitus. Though whenver I get super anxious, my thoughts spiral out of control into "I'll never get over how she treated me, I'll never find anyone if I can't even go outside due to anxiety, If I had my brother I think I could make it, even if I get over everything my tinittus is still there and I will never be really happy again." Like I said, these things cause me to think of the other terrible things and I have no idea how to approach any of this.

Medication is out of the question, I refuse to take it. I go to a psychologist, though I'm not sure it helps. The worst of these problems sadly, is the anxiety. I feel disconnected from the real world "derealization", as if i'm watching a movie and its terrifying. I am anxious 24/7 for no reason, always on the verge of panic and I don't know why... The anxiety / derealization came first, for no reason at all, and it hasn't left.
Does anyone have any insight as to how to conquer the anxiety, or any at ALL for any of these problems? I want to be happy again. I have not had a day where I have been happy throughout for far too long, this isn't a life worth living.

I'm open to suggestions.

 

[Dr. Nagler]

Does anyone have any insight as to how to conquer the anxiety, or any at ALL for any of these problems? I want to be happy again. I have not had a day where I have been happy throughout for far too long, this isn't a life worth living.

@st0rch, if you want to give meaning to your life ... if you want to be happy again ... then focus on performing selfless acts of kindness for those less fortunate than you. Drive for Meals on Wheels one day a week or serve in a soup kitchen or help out in a battered women's shelter or take a panhandler to lunch instead of tossing a dollar his or her way or ... well, any number of things. Make a commitment to do it, and then keep that commitment. Just do it for a few hours a week.

To make your life worth living, make a real difference in the life of somebody less fortunate than you. And do it week after week after week.

I will keep a good thought for you.

sp

 

[Maithe Marshall]

Long story short, my ex girlfriend told me on my Bday that she has been dating a woman for the last 4 months, and has been leading me on / lying to me. The girl found out, so my ex girlfriend lies and pretended none of it happened, and then told me to "F#$k off" and that she would never speak to me again, as if it was my fault she fabricated this elaborite lie.

Anyway, I've known her for 3 years, so this pain is quite deep. I'm stuck wondering how people can be so cruel. It's not even just that she left me for a woman (that hurts too), but more that she lied, and then lied to cover up her lie and made me feel responsible even though she knows what I'm going through, and for some reason... I do?

How do I get over what she did to me, while getting over tinnitus, while conquering my extreme anxiety and the death of my brother? This feels like an endless maze where I only get stuck, cornered by my problems until their weight feels like its crushing me. Oddly enough, I've started to habituate to my tinnitus. Though whenver I get super anxious, my thoughts spiral out of control into "I'll never get over how she treated me, I'll never find anyone if I can't even go outside due to anxiety, If I had my brother I think I could make it, even if I get over everything my tinittus is still there and I will never be really happy again." Like I said, these things cause me to think of the other terrible things and I have no idea how to approach any of this.

Medication is out of the question, I refuse to take it. I go to a psychologist, though I'm not sure it helps. The worst of these problems sadly, is the anxiety. I feel disconnected from the real world "derealization", as if i'm watching a movie and its terrifying. I am anxious 24/7 for no reason, always on the verge of panic and I don't know why... The anxiety / derealization came first, for no reason at all, and it hasn't left.
Does anyone have any insight as to how to conquer the anxiety, or any at ALL for any of these problems? I want to be happy again. I have not had a day where I have been happy throughout for far too long, this isn't a life worth living.

I'm open to suggestions.

Why do you not want to try any anti an anxiety meds? Even if it's really low dose? I am really sorry about your ex girlfriend. I know it is really hard. You should slowly try to do the things that once made you happy. Take everyday one day at a time, do the things you use to..to try and get your mind off of this. I don't know your story but I think a anti anxiety medication may help? Low dose, maybe look for a group where you can talk to people with the same issue ( in person) I am really sorry I kind of suck at advice. I will keep you in my mind and pray things get better for you and everyone on this site going through a bad day, week or month.

 

[billie48]

Besides the suggestions of charitable work and taking some medications, you may want to consider getting some counselling. You need to talk to someone about your bottled up feeling. You feel abandoned by your girlfriend and you are still grieving over the loss of your brother. T is an added burden you don't need but if it is a reality, you need to face your reality. For countering your anxiety, I suggest 4 approaches, first get doctor to prescribe some meds to help relieve your anxiety so you can think more rationally and clearly. Then you need to get some exercise such as walking or jogging to help your body heal and in condition. It actually can help calm the nerve. If you can get outdoor such as hiking, camping or fishing, they can do wonder as they distract your brain from focusing on the negatives. Thirdly get counselling help to let out your feeling, your grief. This can bring healing to the mental side of thing. Lastly is the mental exercise of positivity. Try to to focus on the good side of things. Sp's suggestion of charitable works will help you see that there are many people in worse situation than yours. It also helps you feel better about your sense of self worth, that you can help out other people. You can also try to count your blessings. There are always things we take for granted, and there are people with worse lots in life than we are, those who are blind, handicapped, lonely, homeless, living in hunger & in constant danger in war-torn countries, or those who have been hit by natural disasters. So cheer up. There is always hope for a better tomorrow. All the best.

 

[Beth]

StOrch, I really feel for you. Anxiety is such an overwhelming emotion. I'd like to suggest what may be to you, and whoever reads this, a new way of dealing with it. What follows is a combination of quotes from a book on acceptance and commitment and my own views. I think you're spending all of your time trying to get away from the anxiety (and why wouldn't you?!!) when you could actualy try a different approach.

'When we feel anxiety we naturally want to get away from the pain and fix it but anxiety is there because we have in the past, suppressed emotions because we found them too difficult to deal with. They will not go away unless you face the pain because the rule is that trying to avoid pain only amplyfies it so you need a new way of dealing with it. When we feel emotional pain (which is what anxiety is) we believe that our pain needs to go before we can live again. You feel cornered by your pain and you're fighting a war in your head with the anxiety and meanwhile, missing your life. Most people find that anxiety persists in their best efforts to defeat it and every cell in our body carries the imprint of that emotional pain so when we just 'try to think positive' it never works, or only works in the short term because your body is used to a certain feeling and after a while you 'become' your pain so when you try to feel differently your mind drags you back to those anxious feelings because it is what it has been used to for so long and though it is not good for you it feels comfortable.

The answer is that if you're not willing to feel anxiety as a physical feeling, you will only feel it more strongly so get into the habit of not suppressing any worrying thoughts and anxious feelings. People develop specific means by which they try to stop feeling anxious and these habits and behaviours become deeply embedded in their life due to their effectiveness in the short term but in the long term they are sadly lacking. If you are unwilling to experience the thoughts and feelings that past trauma produces you may be stuck with chronic anxiety in adulthood. Avoidance of difficult emotions predicts a gradual worsening quality of life over time so never try to get away from emotional pain. Pain has to come out and so if you block it one day, it is just stored up in the body and will try to reappear another day which is why you may feel you're having a perfectly 'normal' day but suddenly feel very anxious. It is the old unresolved pain having another go at being dealt with.

The good news is that you CAN deal with this pain and lose the anxiety by not avoiding it and stopping it building up until you feel it's there all the time. When you feel anxiety STOP thinking and try to feel where the pain/tension/butterfly feelings etc are in your body. DO NOT THINK but breathe into the feeling as slowly and calmly as you can. Do not try to get away or distract yourself from the pain but stay with it as long as you can, acknowledge it without trying to analyize it. When you do think, think, 'there is anxiety in me'. Do not think, 'I am anxious', and it will defuse the stremgth of the feeling. If you are willing to feel every emotion as it arises instead of attempting to control them, you are accepting that they are there and the war with them is over.

Try to experience life as it is without trying to avoid, escape or change it and you will be surprised at how much things can change for the better. Emotional pain is so often only the difference between what is happening in your life and what you want to be happening in your life so acceptance narrows or closes this gap. Acceptance means getting out of your mind and into your life. At first it will not be easy and you may feel as if you are going backwards as the mind tries to trick you back into the old anxious feelings which it is used to. So life may not always be easy.....you may still hurt at times but at least you will be living.'

I do know how you feel. I have had my share of emotional problems and am still dealing with tinnitus. I had planned to go out today but the tinnitus is so overwhelming that I was ready to go, make up on etc and I started retching with fear. I find it so difficult not to react to the sound but I'm dealing with a lot of the anxiety by using the method above. I often think about how good it would be to 'get out' of this life but as I'm much nearer the end of my life than you are, Ihope I can hang on till nature takes it's course. You've got a lot of life ahead. You'll get things sorted out and be stronger for it. I agree that helping others is a good idea and there are always people worse off than ourselves but if you physically can't get up and dressed because of how bad you feel then be kind to yourself and just do what you can.

Beth.