Losing Myself — Considering an Exit Because of Unbearable Tinnitus

[another_person]

My tinnitus story. Trigger warning: assisted suicide.

Last year, I got a potential ear infection that caused tinnitus on my left side. I got medication to treat it, but during the treatment course, I got worried about having a brain tumor, since people online in Facebook groups said to watch out, given that sudden symptoms could be a sign.

It freaked me out. I got an MRI in which the ear protection wasn't in properly, causing ear damage and more tinnitus in my right ear.

I tried all the things that people said helped them, except that instead of helping or doing nothing, I developed a reactive central tinnitus, I assume from mixing supplements and a medication that hasn't gone away to this day.

Over the course of the last year, my left ear has healed, my right ear has improved, but my central internal tinnitus has persisted and worsened. Normal sounds like the furnace turning on, a fan next to my bed, the car vents, cause it to spike to a piercing noise. Lately, just hearing people speak can cause it to react and spike.

I've tried the tinnitus app and can't seem to match my frequency. When I do, the tinnitus goes away temporarily, but I also think the sound inside my head is higher than my ears can hear, due to the MRI incident and/or age.

But I just cannot stand this anymore. For some reason, the past month has seen it spiking to unbearable levels, to which things that I could use to mask it previously aren't helping, like a shower or going outside. White noise used to be something I used for calming, and now it's like a weapon against me.

I'm relatively still young, in my 40s with a spouse and 2 kids, also relatively young.

My life isn't the same anymore; any joy that I had is gone. I'm an empty shell of a person. I don't feel joy, happiness, excitement; all I have is this piercing and reactive frequency in my head that just doesn't leave me alone. It's agonizing, and mentally, I've reached my limit. I'm booking an appointment with my doctor to discuss MAID, and I'm sitting here crying because of it.

My spouse and I had planned out our lives, and I can't see a future trying to live like this. We had talked about the elderly people you see on TV walking down the beach and wanted that to be us one day, but I can't see it. I'm not here anymore, I'm not present. My youngest (5) learned how to wash dishes, and they were so happy and excited, and I couldn't be with them because of this unrelenting tinnitus that doesn't stop.

My spouse asked me to try continuing on, for them and the kids, but I can't explain to them how impactful this is.

This is a torture that cannot be explained, even to other tinnitus sufferers.

 

[hey]

Hello, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. From what you've told us, it seems that your ears have been able to heal, which is amazing and a wonderful thing in itself. I'm truly happy for you about that.

As for the head tinnitus, there is always a chance it will improve or that you will gradually habituate to it. There are people here who have experienced the same thing for years, so you're not alone. We all understand what you're going through, and we care about you and are rooting for you.

 

[RocketJSquirrel]

Give it time. You are still in early stages. I've had tinnitus for decades, and while I can't say it's decreased, I can say I can ignore it much more easily than before. Please take MAID off your to-do list and give yourself more time to adapt. You will almost certainly adapt to the point you can live with it, as have I.

 

[Jupiterman]

It can be explained to other tinnitus sufferers.

There is nothing you have written that has not been said before.

You have reactive tinnitus, and it also worsens easily with additional noise exposure. These factors make your condition more serious.

Do you use earplugs and earmuffs in environments where there is a risk of significant noise exposure? Doing so may help reduce the spikes, reactivity, and further worsening.

 

[another_person]

It can be explained to other tinnitus sufferers.

There is nothing you have written that has not been said before.

You have reactive tinnitus, and it also worsens easily with additional noise exposure. These factors make your condition more serious.

Do you use earplugs and earmuffs in environments where there is a risk of significant noise exposure? Doing so may help reduce the spikes, reactivity, and further worsening.

Yes, I carry earplugs with me just in case.

Give it time. You are still in early stages. I've had tinnitus for decades, and while I can't say it's decreased, I can say I can ignore it much more easily than before. Please take MAID off your to-do list and give yourself more time to adapt. You will almost certainly adapt to the point you can live with it, as have I.

Every day is agonizing. It no longer feels like living, just existing. I yearn for a moment of silence, a chance to be at peace with the sounds around me. For what it's worth, I'm a former member here who deleted their account but has now returned, so I'm not entirely new to this. My story may sound familiar to those who responded before.

Hello, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. From what you've told us, it seems that your ears have been able to heal, which is amazing and a wonderful thing in itself. I'm truly happy for you about that.

As for the head tinnitus, there is always a chance it will improve or that you will gradually habituate to it. There are people here who have experienced the same thing for years, so you're not alone. We all understand what you're going through, and we care about you and are rooting for you.

I still have ringing in my right ear that I've mostly become used to, unless I'm wearing earplugs or AirPods. It doesn't bother me nearly as much as the central reactive tinnitus, which I just can't adapt to.