New Here

Hi there,

after almost one year lurking, I just wanted to register and introduce myself. I am a 36 year old male, from Spain, with a worrisome and anxious-prone personality (english is not my mother tongue, sorry for that). I've been fighting against anxiety, OCD and depression my whole life, well, since I was 10, when I got my first panic attack while the other guys were playing football in the street. Good start.

Years passed by, and started taking a variety of medications: paroxetine, sertraline, triciclics, and occassionally some benzos, apart from tons of ibuprofen and other painkillers (yes, migraine is my friend too). Despite everything, I consider myself a person with a good physical health, the problem is in the brain.

Well, after going to a psychiatrist who gave me a ton of AD's and some CBT, I was finally able to get rid of the OCD, I can say that sometimes is as intrusive as tinnitus but at least you have some control and, in contrast, it's curable, I got over it after 3 years of treatment and don't consider myself a OCD sufferer anymore, although some rituals remain but are not bothersome.

So, with this history, I managed to be happy for few years, got a job, almost a girlfriend and after a stressful period related mostly to work, and probably a bad-healed cold, got tinnitus in May 2013. I've been through rough times, but this is far beyond anything, is just terrible and hellish. My first 6 months were the worst since today and was put on AD's again and clonazepam. In the meantime, my tinnitus, who has been a reactive and changing one since the beginning, has tortured me relentlessly. Maybe I'm exagerating a little, because after that period of time started with what I call a cyclic tinnitus. Mine is as follows: one day I have a hissing sound, and the other a high pitched electric whining, both are annoying. But then there's the volume cycles, I can go up to 2 days with a low volume that is easily masked by everyday sounds and then the loud one, reactive, I can hear it over almost everything. Needless to say that these loud tinnitus makes me very depressed and angry, and it's a big barrier for habituation, if this thing will ever come to me.

For the last months I've been withdrawing from clonazepam. I quit zoloft quite easily, but this beast is tough. My tinnitus has increased a bit during the last weeks, and I want to believe that this is due to the withdrawal (it also comes with anxiety and insomnia, so most probably are withdrawal symptoms). Don't know how long will it take to be back to the good old 2-good-days-1-bad-day routine I had months before, and don't want to panic, but it's really dificult not to anticipate. I'm pessimistic and, since I'm living abroad, alone, in a demanding work, this are much harder for me.

About myself, I work as postdoc researcher in biomedical engineering, but in a field totally unrelated to tinnitus, so my knowledge about it is more or less the same as the average person. Despite having some background knowledge about cell biology, it's still difficult for me to understand what's going on on the brain of a sufferer. I'm an avid follower of the research news subforum and I really hope that AUT00063 will help us in the near future.

So, this is me, life is difficult but sometimes is simply unbearable, and since I am a pessimistic person the day-to-day is difficult.

Thanks.

 

Welcome to TT. We have all gone through those anxiety and depression laden days with T (and H for some). So we understand your feeling and suffering. You may be alone but you are not alone here on TT. For your background you should have good understanding of T and how it works in the brain by reading up on the doctors at the Doctor's Corner. Also a member @Silvine is also very knowledgeable about how the brain works. In the most read success story called 'By to Silence' by I Who Love Music, Silvine wrote quite a bit in depth about this aspect of the brain in processing the T stimulus. Read up all the success stories to help you cope. They give good insights and strategies and people do get better. Here are some:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/from-darkness-to-light-how-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

The most read success story ‘Back to Silence’ with a simple effective strategy and with Silvine's input:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/back-to-silence.7172/

Jade’s success story with super loud T:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/6-months-tinnitus-still-going-strong-but-so-am-i.3226/

Dr. Hubbard’s success story:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/how-cbt-helped-me-live-again-dr-hubbards-story.4608/

 

Thank you billie48, although sometimes I read horror stories here that cause more harm than good, when one feels isolated is good to have people who understand our condition. Glad to be here.

 

I need to write something, so sorry for upping this thread. Right now I'm at my lowest, if you follow my "nice" updates you'll know that after the onset, the worst days of my life, if not nowadays, I had a series of panic attacks that were "efficiently" resolved with sertraline and clonazepam, two nice meds that are harming me more than helping me. After two years of mild depression even with the ssri, I decided to withdraw, it was easy and painless, my mood even lifted up a bit. It was this spring, the weather is nicer and there is lots of natural light. After that I decided also to withdraw clonazepam, and I don't really know if this has been a good decision or not. I'm on a extremely low dose, and according to literature and forums, this is by far the worst part of the withdrawal.

My anxiety is through the roof, the t is also louder than ever, it's a fucking annoying high frequency squeal that cuts through everything and is sucking my life slowly. I am a coward, and I have a family, but if not, I would have commited suicide some time ago, life is not worth, it's a torture to spend your days listening to your t, with self pity and envy of other "healthy" people. I'm probably a CBT candidate, but I don't have access to a psychiatrist... I'm working abroad with no psychological support apart from occasional skype calls with my family, and this is no life at all.

I know that noone here can help me, psychiatrist can't help me (I won't take more meds, sorry), I don't trust psychologists, and I'm young still, 37. What I have in front of me? A whole life of endless suffering? Will I lose my job, my family, everything? End as a homeless begging for charity? Die in a cold and dark street sometime in the future?

I know, I'm going thru a deep depression, but I would need the view of an external observer. What do you see? What would you do?

 

Answering again, nothing better to do.

So the depression is kicking hard, I don't know what's wrong with me. Either it comes from the dark autumn in the north countries, or because of the benzodiazepine withdrawal, or whatever. The fact is that on monday I'm seeing a psychiatrist, a renowned one, the best I can afford, and he'll probably tell me that I'm depressed and I'll tell him that the best drug for me is sertraline (zoloft) and will start taking this drug again. Probably it will make my t louder for a certain time, I will panic and come here for support, cry for several weeks and most probably things will stabilize after that and probably will start to feel better, and possibly, luckily, enjoy life a bit.

Or not. And this is what scares me most. If you read the above paragraph, this is my life right now. Between a sword (t) and a wall (depression). Do you prefer to be depressed or suicidal? What do I do? I'm not assertive enough to say 'no', my family is putting a lot of pressure on me for taking this drug, because the depression is very real and I had to take a break from my job, lying as a coward. I can't stand this anymore, I would rather be dead and buried and stop suffering.

Ah, at the end, the truth is that except your family, absolutely nobody cares about you. Not strangers, not doctors, not society, nobody. Nada. Nein. You are born on your own, you live on your own, you may coincide with people at some point in your life, and then you vanish in the dark alone again. The Universe is a sick joke.

 

Nah, we care.
Life is not black or white. We just happen to be on a gray area right now.
Go to your psych doc and if he's really that good, follow his advice, even if it means you're going back to benzos and taking 2-3 ADs for dessert.

 

Ad's are ok-ish, but benzos... Kindling and second withdrawal is not on my plans for now. Thanks for answering, undecided.

 

I am no doctor so I can't advise on the medical and drug questions. I have been on ADs during the darkest time, such as Prozac & Amitriptyline but I am off them now. I decided to use other approaches to get myself more positive and healthy, such as using positive psychology & mindfulness meditation for my mental health, as well as pursuing my hobbies as a way to enhance the healing process. I have found an active life style is definitely beneficial to the brain. I pursue the fishing and gardening hobbies with eagerness and these have helped the brain to get the kind of mental break it needs to rejuvenate itself. They also add a fun element to my life that no ADs can do. I also decide to take up some volunteering service, such as helping the local food bank on food drives and collecting donated foods.

Perhaps you can look at your situation to see what other things you can pursue to make you happy. Sometimes, if we can't live for ourselves, as long as we are able body, we can help others in ways handicapped people can't. As for my T, if you had read my success story in my earlier post on this thread 'From Darkness to Light...', you would know that it stays and rings the loudest most morning to wake me up. It used to turned me into a mental & physical mess. No longer!!! T hasn't changed. I have changed. My approach to T and my perception to it have changed. It is like CBT approach, it helps you change your perspective about T and all the distorted thoughts. I don't give a dime about T high or low. My T is still ultra high pitch dog whistle. But healing occurs over time and the body is now hardened to the same T ringing. I live a normal and absolutely enjoyable life. Instead of worrying about what T will do to me any day, I wake up asking myself what fun or meaningful thing I can do for the day. I learn to co-exist peacefully with T.

I am somebody with panic prone brain with a history of anxiety and panic disorder, and I suffered deep depression before. If a person like me can get better over time with a renewed attitude, have faith that you can get better too. People learn to move on with life, even after T. I often quote William Shatner & David Letterman. These gentlemen have bad T, Shatner was suicidal at one time, and Letterman said his 2-tone T (a high & a low humming one) were 7/24 like the Emergency Broadcast system on test mode. But they don't let T rule their lives and move on, like millions of people do. I remember saying to myself after watching this video that it is people's attitude that can make a difference in T suffering, and so I slowly change my mental approach to more positive. Hope you will learn to change your mental approach a bit to see if it will help you. Take care & God bless.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCdx8aueK9I

 

'Habituation' or passive acceptance comes to pretty well everyone with tinnitus after a variable period of time,so there is no need to think it won't come to you, randomuser.
I would think of myself as one who would find coping with tinnitus as not something I would do.....I'm just not the type, but I, and many others on this forum, have. Already 'blessed' with migraine, Raynaud's and very early onset glaucoma, I developed severe and loud tinnitus Oct. 2014. (initially with hyperacusis). Panic attacks, suicidal depression and permanent Eustachian tube problems rapidly ensued, and Xmas 2014 was nearly the lowest point I could ever reach. Antidepressants, drainage tubes and most of all, time, have now given me my life back (though the tinnitus is unchanged).
Do not believe that there is no-one out there who can help....there are, but you will have to let them into your life and try the therapies they suggest. There is no 'magic pill' and no 'magic therapy', and what helps one person does not necessarily help another. This forum should help you, too, as you will find that there are others who feel and many who have felt the same way as you do, and there is hope and help available for all.
Find out what help is available (or let others do it for you), and be open to whatever may be suggested.The workings of the brain often defy understanding, so try the various sound masking, relaxation, meditation etc techniques shown to work in a good percentage.
Don't take hundreds of supplements....the companies who market them are just trying to make fat profits from the vulnerable. Don't expect an 'overnight sensation', but DO give yourself time...the greatest healer of all.

Fungus

 

I appreciate your post @Fungus . As said, I was somewhat habituated while on benzos and zoloft, but then I decided that it was time to finish those drugs. Benzo wd is tough, to the point that my t is more bothersome and now i am just depressed. I'll ask a therapist about this.

Dont really know what to think about habituation. I'm 30 months in, and still bothers me when it's loud. Sometimes I feel I can lose everything due to t... work, family, etc, and that scares me. Sometimes I just wanna die, but it's because of the depression. Now I think that my only option is to treat depression to at least improve my mood but I don't know what will be my reaction to the drug. In the past it helped me a lot and it should work again. Nobody knows.

If habituation ever comes to me I'll be glad, life is fantastic and worth living if you are ok, but not in my actual mood "god please take me with you". Let's see. I'm anxious but patient and have plenty of time.