what's the difference between a day like today when my tinnitus is a constant bother which I spend ~80-90% of my time aware of and am deeply agitated by and fearful of, and a day like sometime last month when I was aware of it maybe 10% of the time, and reacted as if it was only a minor annoyance that has no real power over me? It's not volume. I do not think there's any difference in the volume between today and days when it's not bothersome. That is, the volume does fluxuate, but during "good" periods I routinely think stuff like "oh yea! That's fuckin loud today.... huh, I wonder what's on TV?" I need to figure this out. If all my days, or even most of them, were like today is, well, I'd just go back on valium and be a calm, quiet little lamb! On the other hand, if all my days, or even most of them, were like those magical days that have happened recently, then not only would I not be contemplating slow-death-by-benzo, I probably wouldn't be here posting at all! I know that, because I remember during my last good period, my habit was to hit reddit/r/tinnitus once first thing in the morning, specifically to look for posts from people freaking out, to try to offer some calm support -- and that would literally be the only time I put into internet tinnitus stuff. So, what is the variable? A "cyclical mood disorder"? Phases of the moon? Differentials in solar flares and EMF strength? Barometric pressure? The variability and volatility of the condition itself, is a pain in the ass. But, the extreme, manic variability and volatility of my "reaction" is probably a bigger pain in the ass. Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy per se to have this variance, because one of the alternatives is "have horrible days all the time instead of some of the time". So, I know that I'm more fortunate than some people here, and I don't want to be too whiney -- this causes me a lot of pain and distress, but I've managed to do really well professionally in spite of that, and I have a lot of awesome things in my personal life which are fulfilling when things are good, and at least distracting when things are bad. (If I was just sitting around my apartment by myself instead of writing code at work today, I know it would be much worse... even if my code is shitty because 80% of my cycles are going into T-anxiety, well, I'm getting work done, and it's keeping me engaged with the world). Is there anyone else out there, who reacts like this? It seems like most people on here are either totally in hell, or "habituated" and not distressed. I seem to flip between these extremes, and it's fucking exhausting.