Riddle Me This

what's the difference between a day like today when my tinnitus is a constant bother which I spend ~80-90% of my time aware of and am deeply agitated by and fearful of, and a day like sometime last month when I was aware of it maybe 10% of the time, and reacted as if it was only a minor annoyance that has no real power over me?

It's not volume. I do not think there's any difference in the volume between today and days when it's not bothersome. That is, the volume does fluxuate, but during "good" periods I routinely think stuff like "oh yea! That's fuckin loud today.... huh, I wonder what's on TV?"

I need to figure this out. If all my days, or even most of them, were like today is, well, I'd just go back on valium and be a calm, quiet little lamb! On the other hand, if all my days, or even most of them, were like those magical days that have happened recently, then not only would I not be contemplating slow-death-by-benzo, I probably wouldn't be here posting at all! I know that, because I remember during my last good period, my habit was to hit reddit/r/tinnitus once first thing in the morning, specifically to look for posts from people freaking out, to try to offer some calm support -- and that would literally be the only time I put into internet tinnitus stuff.

So, what is the variable? A "cyclical mood disorder"? Phases of the moon? Differentials in solar flares and EMF strength? Barometric pressure?

The variability and volatility of the condition itself, is a pain in the ass. But, the extreme, manic variability and volatility of my "reaction" is probably a bigger pain in the ass.

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy per se to have this variance, because one of the alternatives is "have horrible days all the time instead of some of the time". So, I know that I'm more fortunate than some people here, and I don't want to be too whiney -- this causes me a lot of pain and distress, but I've managed to do really well professionally in spite of that, and I have a lot of awesome things in my personal life which are fulfilling when things are good, and at least distracting when things are bad. (If I was just sitting around my apartment by myself instead of writing code at work today, I know it would be much worse... even if my code is shitty because 80% of my cycles are going into T-anxiety, well, I'm getting work done, and it's keeping me engaged with the world).

Is there anyone else out there, who reacts like this? It seems like most people on here are either totally in hell, or "habituated" and not distressed. I seem to flip between these extremes, and it's fucking exhausting.

 

I'm with you! Some days I'm ok, some others I'm just freaking out having panic attacks!!! One day I think, oh great I'm getting used to this. Then, some other day I'm like I can't do this anymore!!!!!

 

I'm there with you. too. I'm having a spike today (real or imagined, who knows...). I'm only a few weeks in and just beginning to stabilize emotionally from it. My T is better than a lot of other people's and I've been getting better at ignoring it but then a day comes like today and I can't escape it. My T is still new enough that I'm always paranoid it's going to get worse. I just want to habituate and get on with my life.

 

I have had similar circumstances lately, there has been other stress in my life and I've started to chalk it up to general anxiety from stress. Maybe this could be the same for you?

 

Sounds exactly like me. I have OK days and bad days. I have more OK days now, but I still have bad days and they totally ruin me. I honestly don't know the answer. I would like to think the intensity and frequency of my bad days have started to decline...but yeah...I don't know! You aren't alone mate!

 

Would you describe yourself as a Type A personality OP?

 

I think it's our metabolism and our biorhythm which change our T's intensity. The variables are so many that we are not able to find a common rule. It's impossible because there are too many factors that work together, making our body react in different ways. It would be wonderful to understand what makes our T milder and less invasive.

 

It's called schizophrenic T. It's a mental disorder often characterized by abnormal social behavior and failure to recognize what is real. Common symptoms include false beliefs, unclear or confused thinking, auditory hallucinations, reduced social engagement and emotional expression, and lack of motivation. Take that with a gain of salt.