So, Three Years On...

So it's been over three years now.. THREE YEARS?!
My, my time, you sure do have to be somewhere in a hurry..

First year - Regret, anger and denial
Second year - Depression, depression and more depression
Third year - Exercise, meditation and acceptance.

Of course, this is very much condensed, but it's the gist of how I'd sum up the last three years were I to catgorise it all.

Now I'm into my forth year, I'd never have imagined or thought it possible that I'd actually feel
more contented and at peace than I ever had before the onset of Tinnitus. The experience, and it's
been quite the experience at that, has taken me to places, both dark and happy, places that I'd probably
never discovered in quite so much depth if it had never happened. It sometimes takes something like this
to awaken you to a more grounded state of reality. In order to understand happiness, one must understand
sadness. Okay, I'm beginning to sound pretentiously spiritual .. My point being, it got better.

The first couple of years I'd completely given up, given in to my despair, and there was nothing anyone could
say or do to convince me otherwise. The ringing and roaring inside my head was my very own personalised sound of doom. We're talking after the first month of onset. I was the very idea of pessimism.
I'd read stories about people coming to terms with it, getting used to it, however you'd like to call it, but no, not me, not ever. How could anyone accept something like this, I refuse. Angry, Angry, Sad..

It was during my sadness, in the quietest place I'd retreated to inside my head - a small foxhole for one amid a very one-sided war zone - that I began to fully realise I wasn't ready to give up. I had taken a defensive position for a reason; there was a place beyond the battlefield worth living for. I began reading, listening to music again and allowing myself the idea of hope. It was hard, and sometimes I'd swim too far, allow the melancholic current to take me far, far out, but I'd always find my way back to shore thanks to the idea of the lighthouse, whatever it would represent, it was always there. It was there in the sadness, that I found happiness. I let the smallest thing that made me smile, take up as much of my awareness that I could.

I don't believe the advice of 'ignore it' works all too well. It's common knowledge that the more you try to put something out of your head, the more you concentrate on it. It works in the same way as the Buddhist paradox 'Desiring not to desire'. You have to instead accept it, allow it, but not to dwell on it. It's okay to acknowledge that it's there, but try to instead acknowledge something other than just that. It's easier said than done, it takes time, but time is what you have.

There's no right or wrong way to feel towards it. I for one felt a lot of guilt. Guilt that I wasn't able to 'learn to live with it', that the more I tried the harder it got, but it's okay, don't feel guilty. Accept that it's part of you, but don't accept others that can't. Although don't mistake their frustrations at times as something wholly negative, it can be tough on them too. If you feel awful one day, feel awful. If you're happier the next, allow yourself to feel happier. Take one day at a time, past and future have either gone or it doesn't exist.

I've rambled haven't I?...

It's all rather obvious, I know, but it helped me find my balance and I hope it helps you find yours too.

Peace o/

 

@Kopesy ,
Thanks for the success story. My own hearing loss and tinnitus began around three years ago too. I went through the same grieving process you did and I have arrived at a level of acceptance. I am still bothered by the noise and discomfort on a daily basis but I am done with the denial, anxiety, depression. Life with tinnitus isn't easy and I am pleased that you have learned to cope so well.

 

Kopesy thank you for posting your story and telling us of your journey. I hope things continue to get even better for you.

 

Great Story. Thanks for your help

 

I hope to get the point where you are. I am still at stage one... Onset. Just began my T within the last T weeks and it's consuming me. Giving me the shakes. Destroying my consentration and my motivation to do anything other than listen to and worry about my T. "Will it go away?" "Is this really for the rest of my life"? "Am I creating this sound in my head?" "IS this even real"? "Am I going crazy?" I need to get past this stage and I need to do it soon, because I'm afraid it will unravel me.

 

@Kopesy

I can feel how much of your inner world and struggles are in your post. Great summary of a life changed by T and with light at the end of the tunnel. Even we can not get cured, we can get spiritual healing. Thanks for sharing.

 

Thanks. You hit the nail on the head. -- I was doing ok with it until I hit a year and realized that I'm stuck with it.

All the supplements, procedures, etc gave me hope and maybe that is why I didn't freak out in the beginning as bad like many do (and I get why).

I do find that when I am making money (in real estate), my T totally takes a backseat. -- Winter stinks since business is slow and I am stuck indoors with Mr T..

I have upped my game lately with working out and exercise and past experience shows that excercise along with meditation really helps.

I still get mad at myself for how I self-inflicted myself but hindsight is 20/20 and I need to move on..

Good luck to all!