Testing my will to keep going.

Discussion in 'Support' started by st0rch, Apr 6, 2014.

tinnitus forum
    1. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I wanted to go to a concert, so I did. I'm only 23 years old, why do I have to live a life of solitude because of my anxiety and tinnitus. It is now going crazy and is extremely loud, I'm afraid I've permanently made it worse.

      I've always wanted to DJ and had worked so hard to get where I was, and now that dream is just gone? Do I just accept it and move on.... I can't. I am praying this isn't a permanent spike, I can't sleep right now.

      I'm not sure I want to live like this. I had all but habituated, or so I thought. I haven't gone out with friends is almost a year due to my anxiety and tinnitus. This is not a life worth living, I do not want this anymore. The only reason I suffer through it is so my family wouldn't have to suffer through my death. If I'd truly give my life for them, then I guess I'd live a miserable life for them too. I am stuck in the worst place right now. It's so dark here.
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
    2. Kimbo Slice
      Balanced

      Kimbo Slice Member

      Location:
      Canada
      I'm sorry to hear man. I'm in the same position. I know how it is to be smacked in the face by the things you love. It's definitely not fair to us or our families to have to deal with this. I have been suicidal on and off the past few months, and what has kept me going is not only my family, but someone on this forum named "Hudson," who I consider to be one of the smartest people around, is suffering as we are, and stated on another thread that he has thought about doing the same, but how silly would it be if we killed ourselves, and a cure came out 10 years later. 10 years seems like a very long time to wait but really, it goes by in a flash. Hate to say it.
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
    3. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      That's a good point. It's just said that we have to cling onto the "hope" that something we don't know will even exist in our lifetimes will appear. I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life.

      Has anyone experienced a spike after loud noise that lasts a couple days? I just want it to go back down to a manageable level if nothing else... I guess I just can't go out anymore. Silly me trying to live a normal life.
       
    4. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      A couple of days in nothing yet. You have to wait at least 1-12 weeks.
       
    5. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      For a spike? I've had Tinnitus for about 5 months now.
       
    6. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Yep.
       
    7. Emil Mikalsen
      Curious

      Emil Mikalsen Member

      Location:
      Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      10.2013 - concert
      Sorry to hear that, but i know how you feel - i'm 20 years old and i haven't done much since i got T. i regret going to the concert every day, but there is not much to do about it now. I do have a bit of social anxiety which was going really good and then i got T - setting me back years from all the training i did to get where i was before i got T.

      Stay strong, it might go away one day you never know :)
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    8. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      St0rch & Kimbo, I have true empathy what you folks are going though. You are so new to T and the body rejects this unshakable alien sensation. When the body & mind are suffering daily and the mind sees no way out, it can dangle the big 'S' word in font of us. I know because I was in the same shoe a few years back. I had loud and ultra high pitched scream in both years 7/24. It was like the dentist drill x 20 times the frequency. Absolutely an unbearable sensation like I am being drilled all the time.

      When I thought my world couldn't be any worse, then severe hyperacusis hit me too where every normal sound turned piercingly hurtful and glassy in quality. I couldn't even stand the noise of normal TV sounds, sounds in a party, driving, dish washing, social conversations, not even the soft voice of my wife spoken close to me. I had to wear ear plugs all the time. But the ear plugs blocked off all other masking sounds of the places I was in, making the harsh T super high pitch scream so dominant & unbearable. I had to choose the lesser or the two evils. But is there a lesser evil to choose? Both were absolutely unbearable sensation to my tired and stressed out body. I had to withdraw from all social contacts. No parties, no eat-outs, no movies, concerts, not even outdoors. I was staring into the abyss of living a lonely life ahead locked up in my quiet room.

      Worst still, I was an anxiety/panic prone person for years before T & H. I suffered many, many episodes of panic attacks in my life before. My brain absolutely had no chance against T & H. So these two alien beasts literally opened the flood gate of hell of relentless anxiety & panic attacks with its myriads of horrible symptoms on auto mode. So on top of the sufferings of T & H, I had to deal with all these other sufferings daily & sometimes hourly. No amount of will power could stop these sufferings from pounding on me. My nerve was totally overwhelmed and I had to survived on meds to survive each long, dark days. I thought no way and never would I be able to survive these sufferings and no way I could recover. Gosh what a hell of a life I was going through back then. Family. I bore up with all that for my family.

      Yes, like you folks, I had to survive solely for my family & love ones. They would live like 'hell' should I do the unthinkable and I would basically pass my pain & sufferings to them. I just couldn't do that to them. Also, being a Christian, I believe in after life. All the videos I watched on youtube posted by people who had attempted suicides came back to tell of very unpleasant experience in the other realm (you have to watch them yourselves as this is a bit off subject). I decided to soldier on with my temporary suffering this life than perhaps enduring an eternal one. LOL.

      While distorted thoughts back then told me T is an end game, that I would never recover, miraculously given time and by following a good strategy, starting from reading Dr. Nagler's Letter to a Tinnitus Sufferer, to reading up on CBT & positive psychology, I gradually got better. So never say never. These days, if you read my success story posted here, you know I live a normal, productive, even an enjoyable and abundant life. Am I alone? No way. There are so many people posting their success stories and what have worked for them. Go read them to give yourself some comfort and hope for the future. Don't give up and never quit the fight. Be patient and give it time. Listen to the T veterans and follow a good strategy. Have faith you can get better too. Believe it. Take good care and God bless your recovery.
       
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      • Winner Winner x 1
    9. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I appreciate you writing this. Are you saying your T actually got better?
       
    10. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      You know the most mysterious thing is that I don't know if my T got better. But my reaction to it or better say non-reaction to T is simply amazing to even myself. Every morning the T screams like before, something which would instantly trigger a panic attack on auto mode back then. Now the brain doesn't even bother to pay attention to it much and soon fade it out of consciousness when I begin the activities of the day. I used to constantly worry and monitor T all day. Now, even the brain gets tired or used to the same sensation. It doesn't consider it a threat and so it fades it out of consciousness.

      How so? Remember flights you took and when you were deep into watching a movie or reading a book, you would not be aware of the all surrounding and all encompassing jet noise in the plane. Right there is the example of how the brain can even tune out a loud noise it doesn't consider threatening. Just imagine, if one of the engines chokes and the pilot announces the plane needs to turn back, now your full attention will be on the jet noise. Now the brain thinks that noise or absence of it can threaten your survival. So it monitors it with full alarm.

      So how do you get to the stage your T doesn't bother you to the point some of us are now? Look no further. Check with Dr. Nagler and read his 'Letter to a Tinnitus Sufferer'. Check out some treatment strategies like CBT, TRT etc. Read some tinnitus books to see how you can cope better with your T, such as A Self-Management Guide for the Ringing in Your Ears: Jane L. Henry, Peter H. Wilson, or 'Feeling Good' by Dr. Burns. These are suggestions.

      You may want to get some masking going or get some medicines for your anxiety/depression. That was what I did to survive the immense sufferings in the 1st phase of tinnitus experience. You need to adopt a strategy that is suitable to you, then stick to it and give it time. If it doesn't work, be flexible to try out different strategies.

      Read up the success stories to give you some idea what strategies people have used to get better. Take action. Give it time. You will improve over time, as you won't always think in a distorted catastrophic way (like I did before), and your body will get used to the ringing even if it stays. Just believe it. So many have gotten better over time. If a previously anxiety/panic prone person like me can get better, have faith that you can too. If you are religious, pray for strength from Heavenly Father to help you like I did. Just don't give up and never say never. Take care, brother.
       
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    11. st0rch
      Creative

      st0rch Member

      Location:
      Taylorsville, Utah
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/18/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      I feel like I was getting to that point... But thought I would be ok with a little loud noise exposure now I'm back to square one. Mornings were always still a bit bad like you said, but nights were getting a little easier to bare. It's just hard to habituate when you know at any second it could get worse, and then you feel your progress is lost.

      I tried lexapro for anxiety, it made feel like I was... eh, Alice in wonderland? Scary as crap, but I got lost in my room and didn't know where I was / head shocks and all the fun side effects that people have a very SLIM chance to experience, and ended up in the emergency room. I am currently seeing a psychologist, but it seems hard to find someone that truly grasps CBT and ALL of its uses, rather than just in depression. (I'm not good at it yet, I have a book I'm reading)

      It could have all been in my head (as most things are, my anxiety is to the stage where I have every illness and everything seems unreal) , and I'm debating giving it another shot... as I know if I could function normally the tinnitus wouldnt bother me as much, but all I can do is sit at home and listen to it as my anxiety keeps me at bay now every day. I am also terrified of long term SSRI effects, as even though lexapro is considered "Safer & newer", i've read stories of the withdrawals, and have withdrawn off xanax myself. I just can't see something that basically artificially replicates the serotonin process in the game NOT having an effect on how serotonin is created after it is gone... Hence being on meds forever and having them fail me one day, and then being stuck in hell... :S

      I really do appreciate you taking the time to write this though. I'll check out Dr. Nagler's book. It's just hard moving forward knowing you may not ever be as happy as you were, and at what seems like such a young age.
       
    12. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Hall of Fame Ambassador Team Research

      Location:
      Vancouver, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      I am not medically endowed to commend on the various drugs being used to combat anxiety, depression and sleeplessness. Such choice of drugs is best to work closely with your own doctor who knows your medical history. I personally used Ativan (sub-lingual form) to help with anxiety. But Klonopin may be better for longer lasting effect. I also used anti-depressants like Prozac to help combat both depression and panic attacks. It did a good job. Later I switched to Amitriptyline (Elavil) which does a better job for cluster headache which is a symptoms of anxiety.

      Well, I am drug free now. I don't depend on meds for relief of anxiety/depression any more. Rather, I get active and go outdoors. There I can naturally unwind my anxious mind or depressive mood. I go fishing, hiking, dancing, gardening etc. etc. The pursuit of hobbies, especially new ones, has been mentioned by many T veterans (including Paul Tobey who was featured by ATA) as a great way to rejuvenate & distract the brain from focusing on T. The brain is tired and exhausted by the fear for T. It is dying to have new challenges and fresh interesting experiences to revive itself. By focusing on enjoying the hobbies, it distracts the brain from being sucked into the vicious cycle of T sufferings.

      If you read my success story on Yuku Borad I talked about having to drag my tired and exhausted body out of the bed and the house. It is not easy first, but you have to motivate yourself to get going with living your life again. It is all about our attitude. If you don't care about T and focus on enjoying your life, T can't stop you and drag you down. You need to be proactive to do something. Set up some plans or goals and follow through them.

      T is actually quite common. If you google 'celebrities with tinnitus', you will be surprised so many celebrities, musicians, politicians etc have T and yet they live a productive and meaningful life. Just think David Letterman, William Shatner (Capt. Kirk on Star Trek), Spark (the Fulcan), Barbara Streisand, Peter Townsend, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton etc. etc. They all have tinnitus. David Letterman had a show in 1996 with Shatner in which he said his T was getting worse, and it has a high and a low tone, and it went 7/24 as if it was testing the Emergency Broadcast system in his head 7/24. William Shatner & Spark both got ear damage when an explosion happened too close to them on a Star Trek set. They both had to go to the ER for that. He was hurting bad at the beginning. But later, he recovered and then served as a spokesperson for ATA. Here is the video clip for the show. I had a great laugh and it eased my anxiety for my T after that, knowing people, even celebrities can have bad T and yet life goes on. So relax and take it easy. There is life after T and it is definitely not an end game.

      David Letterman with William Shatner - March,...
       
    13. Martin69
      Artistic

      Martin69 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Germany
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      (Health) Anxiety
      And the best thing is that while watching this, I haven't recognized or thought about my T. Not one second. :)
       

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