The Day I've Been Dreading

Must say I'm feeling awful today, both psychologically and physically. I don't think I'm ever going to shake the issues I have with my chest. I made the fatal error of looking in the mirror which I haven't done since any of this was done. It's just depressing to be honest.

 

Sorry to hear that...such a tough time, being healthy is what matters so look after yourself, you've got this far and are nearer the finish line.

Be kind and accepting of yourself, the people who count am sure couldn't care less about how you look.

In time I hope you get wear your life scars with pride x

 

Hi Ed,
Sorry to hear your having a bad day.
I had a wobble like you when came out of hospital and was just thinking about what I had been through and never saw it coming and was in a week and had recover at home.
This after op blues will pass so don't worry and look ahead and make some nice plans.
Don't worry about your chest as we don't have to have a perfect body as it's just a shell and whom we are is more important.
Always be proud of yourself and your chest I'm sure is nice to snuggle up to...
Love glynis

 

Hi @Ed209
How are you doing ?
Hope the pain is settling down for you.
Love glynis

 

The pain is getting better and I'm just gonna have to accept how I look. There are going to be days where I'll totally lose it, I know this because I've already been on this journey. I feel like I know the path well. In some respects this helps, now that I'm older and wiser, but on a primal level, something just keeps bubbling up that I've got no control over. It can be extremely distressing, and just like tinnitus, it can be hard for others to appreciate without having been through it.

I thank each and everyone of you for all you have said. I'm absolutely useless at showing any emotion, especially in the real world. People just assume I'm fine, but sometimes inside I'm completely broken. I'll always try to rise up though, because deep down I want to fight all my health problems, and I want to win. As hard as life is sometimes, we only need that flicker of hope and we can get back on track.

 

Ed,
You are one lovely person so love yourself and your body and know we don't have to look perfect I certainly don't and wouldn't change my personality for a perfect body....
Lots of love glynis x

 

Ed, I'm on 3g/day of Amoxicillin for 3 weeks because of Lyme disease (stage 1).

I won't lie, T is not happy with that, I don't know why. It might very well be the associated stress and tiredness. But we don't have a choice here so let's take it without second thoughts.

I was on Clindamycin last year too for something else and I made it.

You already have a lot to handle so don't worry too much about the drugs, I'm pretty sure it won't damage your hearing and you need them right now.

 

Thanks Glynis. Although I'd say perfect is not necessary at all. I'd take feeling normal and looking normal any day. The scars don't bother me at all. Before I had any surgery at all I could see my own heart beat through my sternum/ribs. Not only that, but if I leaned forward I could hear a squelching noise in my throat. This is where my heart was pressing against my sternum and the sound travelled up into my throats and I could hear it. I found it harder to breathe cos it always felt like there was pressure on my chest. The two failed surgeries appeared to damage my pecs, which were perfectly defined back then cos I'd spent years training. This just added to everything which is why I had permanent filler injected to give my pecs the right proportion again. Nothing I've done has ever been cosmetic, it's always been just to appear 'normal' and feel normal. Nothing ever really goes right for me though, because as you know, even that went wrong.

I'm now older and it's definitely less of an issue, but it's still there and unfortunately it's dragged back a ton of baggage that I thought was buried. I simply can't look in the mirror with becoming really depressed. The solution is to not look in the mirror, but it feels like I'm kidding myself and ignoring the problem. If I could somehow fully accept it, and be able to look in the mirror and think 'fuck it' and smile, then maybe I'd truly overcome it. It seems unbelievably hard though.

 

Cheers Foncky. I finish my drugs tonight and I've been on 3.8 grams a day (2g flucloxacillin, and 1.8g clindamycin), the intravenous amounts were substantially higher and more varied. I was on amoxicillin, flucloxicillin and metronidazole. The week prior to that I was on co-amoxiclav. Basically, I've been on a barrage of antibiotics for the last 3 weeks, but thankfully no aminoglycosides were involved.

On a personal level I can say the antibiotics haven't affected my ears, thankfully.

Hopefully Foncky your ears are just under some stress. Amoxicillin is not really known for its ototoxicity, so you should be fine. You'd have to be extremely unlucky to have a real adverse reaction in my opinion. There were times when my ears spiked whilst in the hospital, but it didn't last and to be honest it was immediately after they gave me all the IV antibiotics. I did freak out a little bit after reading all the horror stories on here, but in my case I put it down to stress.

Now you know you have Lyme, do you think this has been a big contributing factor to your problems? Stay positive, and I wish you well.

 

Hey Ed

I've read this whole thread and hope your doing better now. Your rationale posts are always great to read

 

I'm back in London again right now awaiting my next consultation. I have no idea what he's going to say.

Incidentally, on the train over here there was a girl sitting next to me who had her music on so loud, that I could hear it really clearly through her ear buds. I was going to warn her, but she seemed extremely shy, and I doubt she would have listened anyway.

 

Good luck man, I hope it's all good.

 

Cheers Jake.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to complain, I'm doing pretty good with the amox actually. Just wanted to reassure you.

Lyme is very recent for me, I'm just 3 weeks in so no symptoms yet. My hearing disorders are not linked (but most likely are for some people).

 

Yea, cheers for that. I've gotta admit, as soon as I was admitted my thoughts turned to the antibiotics they were likely to use. I knew I was in a bad way, so I started to wonder if my ears were gonna get worse. Thankfully, I came out unscathed, but it didn't stop me lecturing the consultants every time they came to change my antibiotics lol.

 

@Ed209,
Good luck and keep us posted.
Love glynis

 

@Ed209

Hey Ed, just read your thread and sorry that you've been through such a rough time. You sound like a strong, positive person, I hope that you have progressed well. How are you now? Xx

 

Hey @Ed209 how are you doing

 

Hope you're ok Eddie

 

Hey Eddie, Just wondering how are you doing!

 

Only just seen these messages as they were buried under 79 notifications. Thanks for caring guys, and yea I’m ok.

 

Thank you Ed!!! i'm glad you are okay