Thought I Wanted to Share

Hi there.

I've been peeking around in here for some time, whenever I wanted some comfort because my tinnitus was loud as hell. However I've never registered to this lovely page until now, because well. I didn't want to, but I think it's my time to share my story now.

I'm 21 years old and I've had tinnitus for about three years or so. Probably because I've gone to way too many loud rock concerts without protecting my ears, but it's just a guess since I haven't actually seen a ENT specialist, because I never really saw the point in going when they couldn't do anything about it anyway. However, thinking about it, I probably should go to see an ENT specialist just to confirm that it really is my teenage stupidity that is the cause of my tinnitus.

But well. I habituated really quickly. Probably because it was barely audible. I would only hear it when I was in a quiet room, which was easily solved by listening to music and it wasn't loud enough to bother me when I was sleeping. So yeah. It didn't really bother me that much. Until three months ago where it spiked and got really bad. It changed sound to a really high-pitched hiss and I could hear it over everything. Music, tv series, traffic, my lecturer, nature you name it. The only place I could get some sort of relief was in the shower where I couldn't hear it. It would keep me awake for hours and it would wake me up during my sleep. Already suffering from depression, anxiety and ADD, you can imagine that I was devastated. I was completely paranoid that it would get worse and because of that afraid to go anywhere near places if there was just the slightest chance of getting exposed to loud music or loud crowds. It was even more impossible for me to concentrate on anything than it was before my tinnitus spiked, that being reading or keeping track of a conversation. I would obsess over the sound every two minutes to check if it was getting louder.

I honestly thought my life was over. That I would never be able to go to concerts again. That I would never be able to finish my bachelor in psychology, which I've worked so hard for getting admitted to in the first place. That I would never be able to concentrate on writing spoken word poems again. For quite a long time I was convinced that suicide was the only way out even though I knew it would hurt my friends and my family, but I just didn't think that I would be able to live with my tinnitus being that loud.

However. Here I am. Happy and well. Or you know. As happy and well as you can be when you suffer from depression. My spike has subsided a bit. I'm not back to baseline but it's tolerable now. Or at least it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, because I've habituated I guess. I went to a Rise Against concert the other day (protecting my ears with earplugs of course). I passed my exam and is now one step closer to my dream of becoming a psychologist and I wrote a spoken word poem, well two actually, and competed in a poetry slam competition. So in short my life is back to normal and I'm enjoying every little piece of it. Or you know. I still have bad days. I still have days where I think I'll never be able to make it to 30. I still have days where my tinnitus keeps me awake at night and I still have days where I'm crying my eyes out because I miss the silence, but they get fewer and fewer.

Do I think my tinnitus will go back to baseline again? Well maybe, but I'm not even sure it matters anymore, because I do think that I will be able to habituate fully to this new loudness of my tinnitus some day even if it doesn't go back to baseline. Do I think I will ever hear silence again? Nope. Not naturally anyway, but I stick to the hope that I will live long enough to see scientists crack the code as to what the many causes of tinnitus are and how to treat them, which keeps me going on the bad days, but well. All this is just to say that if you're suffering from a tinnitus spike or suffering from tinnitus for the first time in your life. Please don't give up because it will get better. Maybe not now, maybe not in a month but give it time. You will learn how to cope with your tinnitus some day!

And last but not least, I'm sorry if there are some weird grammatical errors in my post. English is my second language so my English might not always be perfect

 

Hee Rainbowsheep, thanks for your post! It contains a lot of good points. I actually think we will experience silence again in the future. I recently read the book How the Brain Changes Itself and it's just amazing to see what the brain capable of. After reading this book I became convinced that tinnitus is a brain issue which our bodies will solve themselves or for which we will find a cure. I don't believe it to be an ear issue. There are enough people walking around with damages ears who don't have tinnitus (my dad for example). It might start with an ear issue, which leads to new neuropaths ways in the brain which start to generate sounds. But if the brain is capable of changing to this new situation then it should also be capable of changing back. Secondly, for some reason I have a feeling that tinnitus has also something to do with anxiety issues or depression. I am reading very often that people get struck with tinnitus while they're already anxious. Maybe it's coincidence, but I have this feeling. If I am looking at my own situation it definitely started in a difficult time. By the way, your English is fine! Kind regards from the Netherlands!

 

I agree with you on the brain thing. My last course on my study was on the brain and brain plasticity. It is quite fascinating how the brain can change due to new experience. And yeah, I think you are right with the anxiety/depression issue to. I first noticed my tinnitus when I was really stressed out in high school, so well. Maybe it's not a coincidence.

 

Hi there!

You seem to have made a bit of a mistake in your post. Luckily, the users of tinnitustalk are always willing to help you clear this problem right up! You appear to have used a non-success story when posting, but your story has nothing at all to do with success! Whoops! You should always remember to stop posting non-success stories when the thread isn't a success story! Posting a non-success story in the success stories forum when it isn't, is poor form. You should always try to post it in the support forum!

Now, there's no need to thank me - I'm just doing my bit to help you get used to tinnitustalk culture!