Tinnitus Is Affecting My Relationship. Just Looking for Support.

[RonnieCarzatto]

Just wondering if any of you fellow T sufferers had your relationships affected by this god forsaken affliction. I'm engaged and supposed to be married by the end of the year. My fiancé had been trying to support me to the best of her abilities since my T onset a couple of months ago. But I can tell it's draining her emotionally having to hear me suffer, and unfortunately, I know she's not looking at this as the same kind of illness as say cancer, more of a "stop whining and don't think about it" kind of thing. My parents are the same way as well.

Lately, she's been spending less and less time with me, going out with her friends more, taking on extra activities after work, etc.., and this is all happening as I was beginning to habituate.

I felt like successfully falling asleep without masking was a major victory in my T battle, and yet, now I feel more miserable and depressed than ever. I try to be Mr. Positive and it's turning into a war of attrition now.

Anyways, sorry for the ramble. I just didn't know where else to say these things.

 

[Michael B]

The fact that you can fall asleep without masking is truly a step in the right direction. Whether your fiance appreciates it or not, you should be proud of this accomplishment and know that you are on the right path towards habitation.

 

[fishbone]

having a relationship and having tinnitus is a tough one. I had a serious relationship for about 8 years and it was tough. Your partner HAS to understand, what you CAN and CAN'T do. Be open about everything, but don't complain all day. I understand how your partner feels. It's hard to just say nothing and live with this horrible ordeal. It's tough, but you have to become stronger and not give in and complain too much to her.

I have been out of the dating scene for a bit, myself. Juggling tinnitus and keeping a partner happy is very tough. Take care of yourself first and try to make your relationship a happy one.

 

[linearb]

@RonnieCarzatto she is not incorrect to be looking at this as a very different situation than cancer, terminal or otherwise -- terminal cancer is a death sentence, so that's just a bleak weight that is borne for a period of time, then someone dies and everyone else has to move on. Nonterminal cancer that can be driven into remission is something which happens, is scary, and then can more or less be ignored by everyone moving forward.

Chronic conditions just aren't like that; they're just there, they are shitty, they are always there, and they won't kill you. Dealing with a spouse who is chronically ill is incredibly demanding (and leads to divorce in many cases). I have a close family member who was basically completely disabled by Lyme for a decade and still deals with it on a daily basis - it's been a tremendous burden on their marriage, for sure.

Likewise, my own tinnitus has certainly imposed a lot of stress of a particular kind on my own marriage. We have found ways to accept it and move forward with our lives, but a lot of that is down to the specifics of my relationship with my partner, how she processes the world, and the whole ~6 year history which we already had before this became a significant problem for me. I try to keep all this to myself as much as possible -- but be very direct and honest about it when I can't. Our relationship has certainly changed in some ways; 10 years ago we used to go to all sorts of concerts together. Now she has to do that with other people, and when we do go out, sound levels are always something we discuss. Overall I'd say we're a lot closer and that our relationship is a lot stronger than it was a decade ago, but most of that is down to positive direction that doesn't have anything to do with tinnitus.

 

[Kibakiru]

I'm the one that actually ended the relationship that I was in because I couldn't handle juggling tinnitus and a relationship. I saw how my reaction to tinnitus was affecting my own family and couldn't imagine the burden it was on him. I didn't want to talk to anybody and when I did talk, it was about my tinnitus. I didn't think it was fair to him because, in the end, If I can't take care of myself, I won't be able to take care of a relationship. Of course, I'm 16 and had no plans of marriage, but we were "childhood sweethearts" so it was a pretty important relationship to me. He was understanding and was more concerned for me (he's always been sweet like that) than himself. We're still close friends.

I hope it gets better for you!

 

[BLane]

I was a fuckin' nightmare to be around the first 5 months of T. Not only was I suffering, but my relationships were too. Then I hit the breaking point, my wife sat down and pulled a book off the shelf by my favorite artist, Frank Frazetta. She reminded me that when he had a stroke and lost the use of his right arm, he didn't give up even though he had every reason too. He learned how to do things with his left. He kept going despite his new disability.....he adapted. I found some inspiration in that and it helped me to accept my tinnitus and realize that I can adapt too. My relationships are back to normal, my awareness of T has decreased (although the volume hasn't) and my setbacks are less as I don't give T a voice/say in things. Give it time Ronnie, you got this!

 

[Jomo]

im in the exact same boat as you man....getting married this year myself. I have noticed that when I did bring up T my fiance would try to say some helpful things but at the end of the day it really just didnt do much for our relationship. Every once in a while I vent to her but i never make it a big topic. I realized one day after a long venting session that although she is there for me I needed to get a handle on this. I even said to myself what are you expecting her to tell you? All she can say is hang in there and pray things get better for you. Luckily things have gotten better for me and I dont make it an issue anymore but of course she knows that I have limitations now and has no problems with it. I do the best that I can to find ways to still do the things we like to do and so far T hasnt stopped me at all. I have a pair of custom fitted musician ear plugs and they basically allow me to still live my life. Try to focus on just having fun with the things you still can do. I know your in the beginning but the fact that you are able to go to sleep with no masking is amazing. I cant and still have no desire to even want to attempt that man lol Hang in there man and good luck with the wedding planning. I still have a lot of work to do with that lol

 

[Pleasure_Paulie]

You can get through this . I was divorced just before my T stated (perhaps not a coincidence lol) but yes I do find it hard with relationships moving forward.

 

[Michael B]

Just a thought. Consider couples counseling with a counselor who understands tinnitus. My wife and I did and we've never been closer. Good luck and congratulations.