Tinnitus Ruined My Life

[Gl0w0ut]

This may come as a surprise post to many of you since my return made me seem more happy than normal. Its true, on average my mood is more elevated these days than in prior months. Truth be told, beneath my amphetamine induced happiness is my depression, which lies in wait for the dopamine levels to come down so cortisol can come back up.

My depression these days has very little to do with my tinnitus. I don't pay it as much attention in the past so I focus on other things instead. About 3-4 years ago I had a pretty vibrant social life. An eclectic circle of friends, weekly social outings, depression was way over my head back then. I had anxiety but that was it. Slowly over the last 2 years my friend circles have eroded from friendships ending or people moving away or becoming too busy to hang out with. I'm pretty socially isolated these days. Drugs try and fill the void but my heart foolish yearns for more. What I'm about to describe is just how pathetic of a person I am on the inside. If you don't want to be depressed any more, I advise you not read any further.

I never got much affection from my parents growing up. I'm introverted and socially inhibited so I never had much success at making friends or dating. I'm constantly torn between wanting to be along and needing that warmth and affection I often don't get. Anxiety, depression, and sadness run my life some days. It's not all the time but some of the day I still experience it. I wish it were different. Part of why, as some of you have observed, I'm so kind of female users of the site is because that part of me is so desperately yearning for more. Of course, its foolish to think something like that would come from this forum but my heart is pretty vicious in its pursuit sometimes.

I'm so pathetic in those regards I hang out with people by "bribing" them with resources I have that they want. I compensate for my lack of warmth and affection by fantasizing that I have a pet lion who protects me and cares for me just so I can feel that. I'm bitter and angry because emotionally I get hurt when I find the rare person to connect with, one of which who used to use this site but no longer does. A similar incident happened again recently where my efforts to push others away paid off, and I once again reflect on my failures in life.

So how does this relate to tinnitus? Well tinnitus brought on the first bought of major depression I have ever had in my life. That matter because, as I am currently learning, the depressed brain undergoes negative plastic changes like the tinnitus brain. Many areas crucial to cognitive functioning (hippocampus, anterior cingulate cortex, dorsalateral prefrontal cortex, ventralmedia prefrontal cortex, etc.) have reduced function and sometimes loss of gray matter volume, 99% of which is permanent. It doesn't always happen, but it can. In addition, the amygdala, an area associated with fear arousal response and cortisol release is either enlarged or hyperactive in a depressed patient, a pattern which continues even after remission. I'm sorry if this depresses you all but maybe it will motivate some to drive depression into remission.

I feel now like I have lost my spark and who I am as a person. I feel like I'm in a hole that my now even more hyperactive anxiety response will easily put me back in. I feel like there is no escape. Remission doesn't mean an end, it doesn't promise no relapse.

Again I'm really sorry to say all these negative and depressing things but I feel pretty down tonight and, for obvious reason, don't have a lot of sources I can vent to. Sources that will actually listen anyways. Maybe you guys won't and that's fine. I just needed to get this out there.

 

[Wolfears]

This may come as a surprise post to many of you since my return made me seem more happy than normal. Its true, on average my mood is more elevated these days than in prior months. Truth be told, beneath my amphetamine induced happiness is my depression, which lies in wait for the dopamine levels to come down so cortisol can come back up.

My depression these days has very little to do with my tinnitus. I don't pay it as much attention in the past so I focus on other things instead. About 3-4 years ago I had a pretty vibrant social life. An eclectic circle of friends, weekly social outings, depression was way over my head back then. I had anxiety but that was it. Slowly over the last 2 years my friend circles have eroded from friendships ending or people moving away or becoming too busy to hang out with. I'm pretty socially isolated these days. Drugs try and fill the void but my heart foolish yearns for more. What I'm about to describe is just how pathetic of a person I am on the inside. If you don't want to be depressed any more, I advise you not read any further.

I never got much affection from my parents growing up. I'm introverted and socially inhibited so I never had much success at making friends or dating. I'm constantly torn between wanting to be along and needing that warmth and affection I often don't get. Anxiety, depression, and sadness run my life some days. It's not all the time but some of the day I still experience it. I wish it were different. Part of why, as some of you have observed, I'm so kind of female users of the site is because that part of me is so desperately yearning for more. Of course, its foolish to think something like that would come from this forum but my heart is pretty vicious in its pursuit sometimes.

I'm so pathetic in those regards I hang out with people by "bribing" them with resources I have that they want. I compensate for my lack of warmth and affection by fantasizing that I have a pet lion who protects me and cares for me just so I can feel that. I'm bitter and angry because emotionally I get hurt when I find the rare person to connect with, one of which who used to use this site but no longer does. A similar incident happened again recently where my efforts to push others away paid off, and I once again reflect on my failures in life.

So how does this relate to tinnitus? Well tinnitus brought on the first bought of major depression I have ever had in my life. That matter because, as I am currently learning, the depressed brain undergoes negative plastic changes like the tinnitus brain. Many areas crucial to cognitive functioning (hippocampus, anterior cingulate cortex, dorsalateral prefrontal cortex, ventralmedia prefrontal cortex, etc.) have reduced function and sometimes loss of gray matter volume, 99% of which is permanent. It doesn't always happen, but it can. In addition, the amygdala, an area associated with fear arousal response and cortisol release is either enlarged or hyperactive in a depressed patient, a pattern which continues even after remission. I'm sorry if this depresses you all but maybe it will motivate some to drive depression into remission.

I feel now like I have lost my spark and who I am as a person. I feel like I'm in a hole that my now even more hyperactive anxiety response will easily put me back in. I feel like there is no escape. Remission doesn't mean an end, it doesn't promise no relapse.

Again I'm really sorry to say all these negative and depressing things but I feel pretty down tonight and, for obvious reason, don't have a lot of sources I can vent to. Sources that will actually listen anyways. Maybe you guys won't and that's fine. I just needed to get this out there.

Right after reading your story, I had purchased a sturdy rope at my local hardware store (not the Chinese made knock-off) and now looking for a suitable tree (just kidding of course).
Do you have any hobbies?
I see your pic has a doggy in it...pets are a great way to get your mind off things and they can give you lot of affection, that you seem to be craving.
It seems like you have the tinnitus under control and this should be a major reason to celebrate...it is also a living testament to your inner strength.
Think of it this way:

If you can kick a nasty, clingy, life sucking parasite such as T to the curb, there isn't really much in life that can stop you..you have already proven yourself.
If you can deal with T, you can deal pretty much with anything...depression being one of those things.
Remember that it is mostly brought on by your current social situation and it hasn't always been that way...this is reversible.
Maybe you can sign up in a local pool or dart league, or join many of the hobby groups out there...that is a good way to meet new people.
Maybe start hanging around coffee shops, libraries or other public places where there are people..connections will happen eventually.

 

[glynis]

@Gl0w0ut ,
Your post it reaching out and takes a strong person to open is heart up on how they feel.
You can rebuild confidence and self worth and that will take you to new directions and getting more friends.
Take care
Love glynis

 

[RicoS]

Your post describes how much of the people here also feel .... your not alone. Facebook, Instagram and all other socialmedia just are fake outings to show how "GREAT" their lives are. But it is all smoke and mirrors. In my 5 years of T I have experienced so many ups and downs I lost count. But when you saw my Facebook things looked great from the outside so do not think everybody is happy and you are not.

4 times I wanted to post a success story but didn't because I was afraid my T or PT came back stronger then ever. And every time it did....and every time it knocks me down...... and every time I stand up and try again.

It is life. We do not live in a fairytale world sadly enough.... the harsh reality is there is no mercy when you suffer from T...only acceptance, masking and hoping it will get better.

T changes a lot of persons including me.... I had so many friends and lost all but 2 of them and those 2 both have T also , so they can relate.

There a lot of nice people here and this forum who hear your suffering and will talk to you. This is one of the places where you do not have to hide and can be you.

For me T is not a symptom it is a disease from hell .....perhaps they call it a symptom so we accept it easier and can say that there is nothing wrong with us if we cure the underlaying problem.

I hope you can find some rest in your head and I also had a depression and perhaps still have.... One moment feeling good and a second later the whole world is turning upside down and I don't want to be here anymore.

But I always think when I have my darkest moments..... It can't rain all the time....

 

[Gl0w0ut]

@Gl0w0ut ,
Your post it reaching out and takes a strong person to open is heart up on how they feel.
You can rebuild confidence and self worth and that will take you to new directions and getting more friends.
Take care
Love glynis

My neurotic nature seems to push everyone away, even those who just wanted to help.

 

[Contrast]

You are doing the right thing but not hiding your true feelings. @Gl0w0ut

if it makes you feel any better I never had a normal life before tinnitus except 1-2 year period in highschool.
I just accept I'll never be a normie and have hope that one day there will be a cure.

I also find happiness by losing touch with realitiy and hanging around other social introverts and mentally disabled people like myself. However I will admit that my entire life philosophy is based on the concept that failure loves company

But it's better then suffering trying to be something I'm not

 

[glynis]

You are you so thats there problem ...
Love glynis

 

[SugarMagnolia]

I hear you @Gl0w0ut ~ I'm also an introvert and T robbed me of the only social activity I had. I'm no stranger to bitterness, anger, and depression. I have no solution, but I do believe it's good to vent, especially to people who can relate to these feelings.