What Is the Point?

**warning** negative emotions involved in this post.


Hey people. I’m experiencing a crisis and am wondering if anyone has figured anything out on this topic before:

Basically, what is the point of living?

I’m only 21, and about 5 months ago I stupidly damaged my hearing with a loud power tool and no hearing protection. So far I’ve tried all the things I’ve listed in a different post, but this post is more intended for the emotional side of things.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be dead. I wasn’t depressed, but I wanted desperately to die. I remember being 7 years old laying in my bed in pure darkness and just hoping that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I remember sitting through class in elementary school and being totally happy, and excited to go home after and play with LEGO (my absolute favourite thing ever back then-still high on the list today!) but at the same time thinking how much I wished I was dead so I didn’t have to live anymore. Not sure why, I just didn’t want to live, even though I derived joy from what I did back then.

The first time I told that to my parents they were really freaked out, understandably. They thought I was depressed, but at that time I didn’t think so. I just wanted to not be alive.

I went and saw very many therapists and counsellors from my pre-teens to young adulthood. Probably over 15 different ones. I never found it to be helpful at all. All we did was talk about stuff, then they would get confused, then give me a checklist thing to fill out, then it would be seen that I’m not clinically depressed and nobody could figure out why I wanted to die when I didn’t score as “depressed” on the checklist.

The only reason I’ve been hanging on is because of my mother. I feel like I only live for her. I hate my dad and he doesn’t like me either. I have zero friends and have not been at all good at socializing, neither before nor now. I have no girlfriend, nor have I ever had one. I’ve never even approached one because I’m too damn scared. I have a bad stutter as it is already, but when there’s some amazing beautiful woman in front of me at a party or in class or what not, I never know what to say. I always want to start some conversation but then I don’t know about what, and anyway even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out. Plus I’m ugly, so that doesn’t help.

So whatever, basically I was already dangling by a fraying thread from life, and then I idiotically used a power tool to cut metal without ear plugs in an enclosed concrete space, and 5 months later I still have that ringing. Been going to doctors and each treatment I try seems like it doesn’t fix it or makes it worse. Of course, I know hearing damage is permanent so I’m not surprised if it never goes away.

That’s why I wonder; what is the point? Why should I stay alive? I’m not living for myself at all anyway, I’ve always been somehow unable to appreciate life and being alive and I’m thinking it might just be time to go. All the crap that is regular life coupled with this ringing in my ears is enough to push me over the edge. I don’t feel any happiness from any activity anymore, which was the only time I would before. Can’t read because of the ring. Can’t do anything that’s even remotely quiet because it constantly reminds me of how stupid I was to not wear ear plugs. Can’t play music or go to campus parties anymore from fear that it will get worse.

Back in ancient times an ugly, stuttery fool like me would have been “naturally selected” out. I would have either died in some hunt where I couldn’t act fast enough because I was too stuttery, or I would simply die off alone, never marrying because of my unpreferred physical appearance. Why can’t I just speed up the process in today’s world?

 

I hope you wait for at least two years after onset, before concluding that your T is permanent and committing suicide as a result.

I read somewhere (I forgot where it was) that the purpose/point of anything depends on the reason its creator had created it. Using this logic, your purpose is to provide companionship for your mom (assuming that is the reason she had you).

I suggest that you not worry about your inability to get a girlfriend. Honestly, I am convinced that you have not been missing out on anything good (unless your hands had been amputated). The advantage of your current situation is that you haven't had another person draining you of resources (e.g., time, energy, etc). I can't really think of any disadvantages.

 

Start hitting the weights, see a speech therapist, and get yourself used to talking to strangers; cashiers, people standing in line with you, chat roulette, etc. Doing those three things should give you enough confidence to start dating. As far as having a girlfriend is concerned... You're over thinking it, you've built up women to be this unobtainable entity, when in fact it is quite the opposite. I've got a friend who is fat, hairy, and somewhat annoying and he has a gorgeous girlfriend, looks aren't everything. That being said, having a girlfriend can be somewhat annoying and stressful at times, women our age tend to want constant communication, and that gets old very quickly. If I were you I'd just play the field for a while and worry about having fun... Don't lock yourself down until you get older.

 

A girlfriend is like a bathroom attendant - bizarre, useless, and pointless. You wouldn't do the things listed above in order to enjoy the services of a bathroom attendant. So...

 

Amazing sex is definitely not in the same league as the services of a bathroom attendant (unless you're going to some really freaky clubs, lol). You also don't need a girlfriend or wife to have get laid obviously. Although finding that special person that you truly connect with on an emotion, physical, and intellectual level is truly something to behold. But stay cynical (and lonely) I guess....

 

I can see why someone might find my posts about this topic to be funny. However, I am dead serious. I am in my early 40s, and it took decades before those ideas had chrystallized in my mind.

 

I was only referring to your sentence about amputation of hands, nothing else. Your post was very sensible.

 

It is not in the same league as what one can do for himself by himself.

If STDs were not an issue, I wouldn't pay more than $20 for it. When the possibility of an STD is taken into account, I would need to be the one getting paid...

I already have that person: me. I am a Lot of fun to be around (for me). Another person would be "a third wheel." In fact, after every instance of socializing I have always asked myself - was it worth it? did anyone say anything interesting or funny? The answer has always been NO! Whereas when I get to enjoy my own company, I make myself laugh all of the time, and it is pretty much as good as it gets.

For me, the concept of "loneliness" is a completely foreign concept. I just don't get it. It is like having a word for "healthy" that has negative connotations. I feel sorry for people whose default state is not "happy" - who need to do something (find another person to be around) before they can be happy.

 

Sometimes I wonder if you are actually a robot Bill....

 

I don't really have any answers but I think we were all put here for similar reasons that loving parents bring children into this world. So that we can enjoy the experience of life and have a loving relationship with them and those around us.

I don't think we were put here to be tortured or unhappy. Why do that? Marketing forces, control freaks and users between them do a good job of that by spending billions on making us feel inferior and bad about ourselves so we spend our time and money on stuff we don't really need.

It's great that you care about your mum, that's what she would want. Does your mum want you to be happy? I'm sure she does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. What are your strengths? Find out who you really are and see if you can find a way to use your gifts to help others. At the same time try to avoid those who drag you down. Real friends aren't supposed to do that. There are still plenty of nice sensitive people left on this planet to meet yet!

Any girlfriend or friend worth having in a relationship will see the beauty inside us. However we have to got to want to let that internal beauty out and stop letting others drag you down. That bit has to come from inside us.

Looking back on my experience 6 years ago, I think my T was a warning signal to sort my life out. It forced me to see the positives I had left. Half glass full. It also led me to a happier life. Once I found happiness the T faded into nothing.

I wish you well and I hope you can find that inner strength.

 

1) Death is so damn final.
2) You are very young.
3) Your life in the future could be full of happiness.

 

I am definitely not autistic. I would tell you, if I were.

 

I didn't get offended by that "funny" emoticon. I just didn't want HollowZer0 to think that it was all a joke.

 

To throw in the towel at such a young age is not cool. You have a lifetime of life ahead of you, tinnitus is horrible indeed but a person can BE resilient and overcome their obstacles. Tinnitus might slow us down at times, but only YOU can make it limit you. I don't know just how LOUD your tinnitus is, but life can still go on. There are many tools and techniques that exist for people that have tinnitus.

Affliction will hit people in all walks of life. Some are terminally ill, some lose their limbs and we have ringing in our heads. I fully understand your pain, my tinnitus is louder than the freeway noise but I still live and I still try to be positive.

You mention that you can't read anymore? How is it that I read 2-4 books a month and the tinnitus is beyond crazy loud? I'll tell you --Focus, not dwelling on the loud sound.

Also, do know that you are just 5 months out from having tinnitus, I was in your shoes and I know ust how bad it is. I had that with beyond horrible hyperacusis that was very painful. Even a needle dropping would cause pain in my ears, that's how sensitive my ears were.

Give it some time, try to reach out and get as much love and support you can. It can get better, it takes time and a positive mentality.

Take care!

 

Seriously fishbone, never stop being you. Your posts have seriously uplifted my spirits every time I've been feeling down. I'm finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, because I've given in and accepted the hissing as a part of me now. And mine is super mild, i can't even imagine what it must be like with super loud intrusive tinnitus, I really admire people like you, and I hope there will be a treatment on the horizon soon to relieve everyone with suicidal thoughts and intrusive tinnitus from their misery.

 

Yes , have to agree with your comment. There are a few people here, that have Tinnitus for a very long time ,are so helpful. Billly48, Michael L. Fishbone etc... I come here most time to read their comments. I was doing very bad the first 3 months. Slowly I am getting back to myself. Hope one day I will be fully habituated. Hopefully we all get better soon.God blessings!

 

His question was - does it Have to go on?! Why allow yourself to be tormented/or why lie to yourself that you are ok, when you are not?

I agree.

If "reaching out" works for you, it does not mean it will work for him. As far as I can tell, his personality is such that "reaching out" will hurt him in a profound way, and for no good reason.

 

You can choose the word "lying" and live with that. I'll choose the word accept and living a life. Bill your mentality is simply limiting. I'd hate to be a newcomer and actually listen to what you type on this site.....

You have 1 year of experience, I have 30 years of experience. Please don't try to preach to me......

 

You're a Legend in Your Own Mind - Long -...

Possibly Bill vs Fishbone (Not to be taken seriously)

 

I'd hate to be a newcomer and get a cliche Anthony Robbins' "You can do it!" kind of an advice. This reminds me of the movie "About Schmidt" where Jack Nicholson's protagonist pours his heart into writing letters to a stranger, only to get a cliche and meaningless reply.

 

I can bet you, that my advice is much better than any advice you have ever given on this site Bill... so don't yap nonsense to me.....

You have become a hall of famer by telling people to avoid vaccum cleaners(3,000+ posts)....LOL

like i said , don't talk non sense to me ......

 

Your point being?

For many of them making this change will likely get their T to fade sooner (or even make a difference between a lifetime of T and hearing silence again). This is something they had most likely not thought about (or that might take them over a month to learn themselves The Hard Way).

You are right - there's a big difference between practical advice and the meaningless "Nothing can stop you! live.... with Passion!" advice.

 

...

 

Please don't let ego get in the way of helping people. I've seen enough here. All the best everyone.

 

Getting involved now anyway at your age is complicated, Due to you need to know yourself now. You indicated you like legos what a great hobby and you can try to work at Legoland. You need to find either a place or job that you like for your life. Find any activities that are fun and not boring to you. Put yourself first now.

 

That's good to hear. I've still been struggling with reading and I know it's my focus. I used to read right next to the washer and dryer--heat output felt so good. And I would be so focused on my books that I never minded the noise. When I first got T I could still read, but I'm letting the louder T noise win now.

 

It takes a lot of motivation and focus to overcome this thing. I been at it for over 30 years and it was never an easy thing for me. It does get better in time, but we need to be motivated and get rid of negativity, if this is going to work.

I use to have a negative attitude at times and in the end I never moved forward in my struggle with the tinnitus and hyperacusis I was facing. I wish you lots of luck and I know you can do this

 

Just as @Suzerman said: never stop being you.

You always uplift my spirits! Even when I'm being a negative Nelly.

 

Let Me try to cheer you up, then.

If you don't Let tinnitus get you down, it Won't Get you down. My tinnitus is loud, but I can do anything I want. I Live with Passion! It's not the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away. Live, laugh, love. Did you know that it takes more muscles to frown than it takes to smile?! My credo is that life is not about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain! Do what I do - if life gives ME Lemons - I make LEMONADE.